Feeling so sad about kids Christmas lists

[drivinmecrazy]

Normally our kids (not so much kids than young adults) would ask for the moon on a stick and we’d strive to produce that and a perfect Christmas.

this year, like many, has been tougher than most.

so I’ve given them a £200 budget, or there about.

they seem quite ok with that but I’m feeling really mean yet I don’t know why.

For context they are 20 & 24.

help me to feel better about this please.

we could indulge them more but luckily they’re not in need or want of big ticket items this year so it would seem a waste. If they were we’d obviously stretch for that.

one DD has her birthday just before Christmas so her birthday budget will remain unchanged obviously.

still can’t help but feeling a little bit miserly cos we could stretch things.

I guess I’m remembering their huge piles on Christmas Day when they were little but it’s so not the same 😞

I think it's a sign of just how middle class and comfortably off Mumsnetters generally are when someone posts about being terribly sad at only having £200 to spend on each of their two children. I cringed on reading the OP, yet most of the criticism has been about her not recognising that her kids are adults, rather than pulling OP up on just how fortunate she is.

I couldn't imagine ever spending more than £200 per kid on their Christmas presents. Mine are very little but I think I've spent about £150 for the 2 combined. And its not because i can't afford more - I just don't think you need that much stuff (I already feel like they have too much). As adults we rarely got anything when I was that age.

This is ridiculous, when I became an adult I just asked for something I needed (under duress from parents) and never totalling more than £40. I’d prefer a day out with them or a meal out together to be honest.

This is madness. I have 18 and 19 year old DDs, they are getting new iphones for Christmas which they are also contributing towards because they are expensive and they both have jobs! I've told them that they won't be any additional gifts to open, and they are fine with this. I will probably do them a stocking but that's only because I have an 11 year DS who still believes in Santa so he will wonder why the girls don't have stockings... I was married expecting my first child at 24, I certainly wasn't writing Christmas lists and expecting present mountains from my parents. I'd usually get a perfume gift set, socks, some costume jewellery etc. Definitely no more than a £100, if that! I like the suggestion above from a PP about if you want to spend money and buy lots of gifts, than a food bank, toy bank etc is a great idea.

This is madness. It’s ok to feel weird that your kids are growing and Christmas mornings of old are gone but I don’t understand your focus on the presents. They don’t believe in Father Christmas so the presents really don’t matter. It’s just you buying them loads of stuff. There no ‘Christmas magic’ in that anyway.
The “kids” are adults. Within a couple of years they may not even be with you for Christmas Day so just shake yourself down and enjoy the day and their company.

I think there are many many things going on:

• the OP starts by saying her children are used to asking for the ‘moon on a stick’ and they have fulfilled this. This sounds really spoiled to me.
• The gifts sound innocent enough even if a little childish but ok, there is no harm in that.
• The description of Xmas day itself sounds like that for very young children- up since 6 am, singing carols, impatient for others to come down, a big pile of gifts.
• then it gets a bit stranger in that they lock the doors and it’s just them. Have your DDs never wanted to bring a partner or a friend?
• the OP hasn’t answered if these adult children give their parents gifts.

Did your kids go away for Uni? I assume they are living at home? What is their social life like? Do they do chores at home? I ask all this because I think this goes beyond Christmas and I am wondering what will happen when they are expected to move out and live independently.

Do you still do Christmas stockings? My DD and DS will be 22 and 23 this Christmas and I will still do stockings for them. DS probably not that bothered to be honest, but DD really keen and I am happy to do them. Feels nice and traditional and nostalgic. Other than that they will have about 4 gifts, but that is similar to what we've always done, so not much of a change.In total (if I'm honest about the stocking expense) it might be more than £200, but not that much more.

At the moment they are both still living at home having recently graduated and though working are not earning much. DS is paying off his student overdraft and DD is saving in order to be in a position to move out. So they still appreciate some nice gifts. Once they are more financially secure, move out, start families of their own etc. I'll cut it down to a couple of gifts and at some point no stockings. But not quite yet.

Haven't they got jobs?

And yes, my two do write a Christmas list. I ask them to, because it is useful to have some suggestions. My sisters also buy them gifts and like suggestions too. But they know they are not going to get more than 2-3 things from the list. I continued to give my mum suggestions as an adult and she also gave suggestions to us.

Sorry if I almost caused you to choke

20 and 24 🙈 Come on OP.

At that age they really don't need much, my mum had 3 kids and our present piles used to be big but now as adults we don't want much. Between us we have now given her 3 grandchildren so now they get the big piles from nanny instead 😊

Your children asked you to stop buying piles of tat. So stop.
Also 200 quid is an absolute ton of money and you are all very privileged.
Buy them one or two things they really want and then that's it.
If you still feel the need to buy lots of other things you could find out if any local charities are asking for presents for children who otherwise would receive nothing and donate to them. I know some people get a lot of joy out of choosing, buying and giving so if you want to continue that find another avenue to do so.

Also sitting around at 6 am singing carols and waiting for adults in the house to wake up is batshit. You maybe need to look at the Christmas routines now the children are adults and not cling on to the idea of everything you've done in the past having to stay the same.

What difference does that make , they are still your children and you still buy them Christmas gifts . I have adult children @drivinmecrazy and stopped the present piles a long time ago mainly as the younger one really doesn’t like getting random stuff . I also don’t price match .

20 and 24!!

At that age I was buying my parents the nice presents, not getting them.

They’re adults now so it’s natural not to get piles of presents, surely? My DS is 15 and all he’s asked for is AirPods and some clothes. The piles and piles of presents tends to be reserved for younger kids who want generally cheaper items like Lego or soft toys or whatever, not flashy gadgets.

Boo hoo. Your poor kids. My budget is £100 per person. Cannot afford more. I am sorry but for kids in their 20s £200 is a lot. And a Jellycat? For someone in their 20s?

I’m not sure this is a solution, I think that stockings for adults are actually the problem in terms of the ‘tat’ everyone is talking about - stuff being bought for the sake of buying , not because it’s actually wanted or needed. The OP’s DC have each requested 4 items which are within her £200 budget / so she should get what they’ve asked for - job done.

Because magazines are quite expensive now and most adults don’t really do print news. One likes politics and history and might at a push read a magazine but the others probably wouldn’t whereas they all liked a comic. I tried as they got older and they don’t want them. Only one would use a lip balm but I was getting them up until last year but where for tweens it’s quite a treat, for adults it’s something you put in your trolley alongside bin liners and cat food. I use those little tins of vasaline but I don’t really want or need my mum to buy me more. None use hand cream but tbh if they did they would just pick one up at Aldi which isn’t very “present like” and if I upgrade to neutrogena or Aveeno then it’s £5 for something not very exciting that you can just buy in the supermarket or if I went “present like” l’occtaine I’ve spent £80 on hand cream that nobody really wants. If you put 8 things (a magazine, a lip balm and a handcream does not a stocking make) in a stocking it’s quite easy to spend £30+ which just seems daft if I then don’t get them a £30 gift they want. My mum does it to me and I don’t want to do it to them. I’ve got 4 “kids” so spending £30 each in extras is in reality £120. If I’m spending £120 I want the recipients to to benefit from it and I just don’t see the benefit to a working age adult of a lip balm or a magazine that can be picked up in the supermarket if they wanted them (they don’t) or cute post it notes, gel pens, highlighters, shower gel and 99p home bargains face masks and other nonsense I’ve wasted my money on over the years. It’s just consumerism. Little kids like novelty toys. Older kids like cute stationary and toiletries that are an upgrade on the standard. Both like sweets, chocolate coins, a nice drink and in these age groups a small amount of money on these things can seem like a big treat. Most adults aren’t really bothered about any stuff like this and it seems very wasteful.

Of course it’s about wanting to get back to the enjoyment about watching kids be excited - that’s literally what the OP is about.

At 22 and 24, isn’t it more about the nice food and cocktails etc

I think it might be a good idea to change your expectations of what Christmas is now your kids are adults.

It might not be long before they’re off doing their own thing at Christmas with partners and their families and by the sounds of it, you’ll struggle with that if you’re struggling with this minor issue.

Your days of the early morning rush to the Christmas tree to see what presents they’ve got is over. The most important thing here is that your family are safe, healthy and loved. Be grateful for that.

Lovely stockings filled with books, eats, drinks and luxuries.
Perfect.
Make this a mind set change.
You will be buying less planet-destroying crap.
Your kids will feel heard about the unwanted tat.

Well don’t you sound like a whimsical hoot and a half.

Yes I’m aware of the fact they’re still your children whatever their age. My sons are 28 and 36 with their own successful lives and jobs and I still treat them and make sure they have gifts at Christmas. I was questioning the angst of the OP because most young people with jobs are able to buy whatever they like throughout the year.

I don’t know your financial situation - but OP has said she is able to afford £200. I think most young adults up to 21 are going to either be studying or on a fairly low wage - so there is always going to be something a parent can help out with - even if it’s money into a savings pot - especially that actually. A financial boost towards the opportunity of independence is probably what most young adults would really want if parents are in a position to help out.