Not financially, practically, what can you do to prepare for old age

[Blanketfull]

Or illness?

DH died a long slow death. I cared for him at home until the end. We had some visiting carers but if I hadn't been there he'd have died in an institution, which is what happens for many I guess. However, before that he relied on me a lot for getting to appointments etc. He couldn't have managed in a taxi without help. He wouldn't have been safe at home alone. I doubt he'd have even gone to the hospital the first time, as he was stranded in the bath when things suddenly took a turn for the worse.

My Dad is now in a similar situation. He can manage at home because mum is there and I'm round the corner, he's not so bad he needs to be in a care home, but without mum he probably would be.

I'm a widow and my sons live a distance away. Financially I can pay for what needed, but how do I actually arrange this kind of help, should I need it?

The other thing that really scares me is the idea of being in hospital without anyone to advocate for me. Having seen the way patients without visitors were treated and the way we had to fight for basic care for bith DH and DF. E.g. being told to soil the bed if he really couldn't want for someone to take him to the loo. A patient without the use of his hands being given food and drink but not help to eat/drink it. I know that's not how it should be but I've seen enough to know it often is.

What can I do now to prepare?

I’m in a similar situation. Then there are the children’s toys for grandkids and all their stuff,including car seats.

Weight training. I am 70 next year, I swim, jog, cycle and do weights.

@MeouwKing
Not the point- OP has explained many times over it's not about staying healthy longer but about how to have a good death if there is no one to advocate for you.

I wonder whether a possible solution is to join a community such as New Ground Housing (a group of women over 50 who live separately in flats in north London but support each other)?
I’d be up for that but I’m not sure there’s anything like that in the West Country where I live.

Although my suggestion may not mitigate for the final decline…

@ElvesGetReadyI have noticed that some people like to deny the inevitability of death. It’s easy when you’re young because it seems so far away, and that’s one of the reasons it’s genuinely shocking when a young person dies. In middle age one can do ones best to stave off future infirmities and illness through a combination of diet and exercise, but as a result I believe some think that getting ill is the persons own fault and forget that everybody eventually dies of something, even if it’s extreme old age.

Many elderly people cope by denying themselves the help and support that would make their remaining days more comfortable, pretending instead that they are managing just fine ( and often as a result impacting heavily on the lives of their middle aged DCs, including setting them up for future poor health through stress ) . However once you’re at this state very little can be done about it. My pre extreme old age DPs would be horrified at the worry and burden they have put on their only DC, but self preservation has kicked in and they either do not care or block it in their minds or in DFs case don’t really understand due to dementia . Getting some support and help in before you need it and having a wide network of different aged friends seems like a good plan.

Oh and make changes whilst you’re still able.

In the long run it will benefit your adult DCs a lot more if you live in a house appropriate to your needs with good public transport links, rather than staying in a property too large so you can store their junk in your attic and house them once a year.

I can talk as I am stimmied by DH. We are mid 50s and he is going ahead with grand plans to extend our already large enough 4 bedroom house and says he will never downsize or go into a care home.

I’m single and childless and very much hoping by the time I’m older euthanasia is a legal and valid choice, once I get to the point where I can’t cope on my own at home I’d rather end it than be in a situation where I’m in hospital being forced to soil the bed and go without food/ drink! For me I’ll be prioritising quality of life over quantity of years, just because modern medicine can keep somebody alive into their 80s/ 90s despite significant physical and mental decline doesn’t mean it should.

As long as he isn’t making you pay for it @rookiemere

Haha ! No I have told him it’s all coming from
his pension fund and as his investments haven’t done so well over the past couple of weeks it’s currently on hold.

I have enough pension/ savings of my own to
contribute to the pot - sadly being run down a lot sooner than anticipated due to need to support DPs being incompatible with working full time. If I do inherit anything, I have made it clear my priority is to set up DS for the future and DH agrees with that.

I worry about this too. We don’t have children and although there are other family members I anticipate they won’t be sufficiently concerned about us!

I do wonder if considering future adverse scenarios is a good plan. So maybe something along the lines of what will I do if I fall over and break my hip and end up in hospital? Who will come in and visit and make sure I’ve got enough nighties and toiletries and can come in to help me feel supported. I think it’s reasonable to expect to pay someone who might be able to fill this role. A PA type person. Also, how will you manage if you have to give up driving? Is there a bus stop or train station within easy reach? What about taxis or community transport? How far is the GP or hospital? I had to get a taxi home from the hospital a few years ago and it cost me £25. That wouldn’t be sustainable if one of us ended up in hospital and the other couldn’t drive.

Starting to slowly buy in help in the form of a gardener or cleaner who will assist you but not do the job themselves. That way you are still doing the work but are supported and have some companionship. They will then get to know you and know if you are struggling and can potentially become a trusted friend.

Anticipate what you need before you need it. So move to the smaller property with a step free access and level access shower. Think about where you would like to move if you start struggling at home. There is a place near us which is sheltered living accommodation meals provided and rooms cleaned without the care element. If the worst came to the worst and you needed to go to a care home where would you choose? It’s morbid but I honestly think it would be worth visiting care homes. You know yourself. Why would you leave this for someone else to decide if you end up in crisis. So many people bury their heads in the sand.

Yes, it’s absolutely essential to stay as active as possible but I think a lot of people on this thread haven’t dealt with a relative who did all these things and still faded. One significant event can trigger the decline sadly.

I often think there is an opportunity here to provide some support that is empowering rather than just cleaning or care.

In terms of the practical stuff, I also think living near a good day centre is a good idea. Also, living in a two bed property if you’re a couple if one becomes ill.

@MolkosTeenageAngst the reality once you become elderly with health issues is very different.

My DPs despite being very elderly with significant health issues- DM particularly is more or less bed bound and has 4 carers a day- are very keen to stay alive. DF 92 stated this repeatedly to the doctors on his last routine set of check ups. Of course dementia means he doesn’t really have a full grip on the situation, but he certainly gets some enjoyment out of life.

Maybe for some people. I’ve been actively suicidal many times before and the thought is never truly gone but when rational I feel I couldn’t do it to friends and family and am worried about getting it ‘wrong’ and ending up long term disabled instead of gone. Once I’m old I won’t have anyone to hold onto and if there is a legal, 100% guaranteed route I’m fairly confident I will be happy to make that choice. Sounds like your parents still have each other and have you so maybe they have enough of a family network to make life worth living, I don’t see that being likely for me. Of course I know euthanasia wouldn’t be for everyone but I hope it is an option for those who are only just making it through life when relatively young and healthy, I can’t imagine I will suddenly get a zest for life if I don’t even have that going for me once elderly.

I've been thinking a lot about this thread. Particularly the issue of being old and having no one to advocate for you in hospitals. That's a real worry of mine. But I was thinking...if you had private health care would it make a difference? Do you get treated better in private hospitals?
We dont have it but if others do it might help to reassure them a bit.

I'd say that the OP @Blanketfull is being premature in all of this.

She's only early-mid 50s and could live another 40 years.
By that time lots of things could have changed or she could have made changes herself like living near her sons. They could easily be retired by the time she is very old, and able to help her.

IME most parents have one child at least to help them, either living close by OR they move to be near them.

Being isolated in old age isn't a good idea if you can avoid it.
And if you don't have family, good close friends can act as POA and advocate for you.

@JacknDiane Private hospitals are not 'hotels'- you can't stay in them with long term age-related health issues. They are there for surgery and immediate after-care.

They don't cater for chronic diseases. Most patients are in and out in a few days after surgery and recovery times.

I have found that it's good to take stock of all sorts of things when it comes to where you live. Overlooked things are stuff like good paths and outdoor lighting. How close you are to an A&E. How close you are to your GP (too close and you can find taxis aren't willing to take the fare). If you have any pets, what your emergency plans are.
I find having medical history and medications written down is helpful, and a list of what to put in a bag for a hospital visit.
Actually acting on medical advice and not just nodding and smiling when you are told what you can do to help your situation.
Attending any screening you get offered, taking up flu and pneumonia jabs.
Getting to know the neighbours.

Love this!