Not financially, practically, what can you do to prepare for old age

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Or illness?

DH died a long slow death. I cared for him at home until the end. We had some visiting carers but if I hadn't been there he'd have died in an institution, which is what happens for many I guess. However, before that he relied on me a lot for getting to appointments etc. He couldn't have managed in a taxi without help. He wouldn't have been safe at home alone. I doubt he'd have even gone to the hospital the first time, as he was stranded in the bath when things suddenly took a turn for the worse.

My Dad is now in a similar situation. He can manage at home because mum is there and I'm round the corner, he's not so bad he needs to be in a care home, but without mum he probably would be.

I'm a widow and my sons live a distance away. Financially I can pay for what needed, but how do I actually arrange this kind of help, should I need it?

The other thing that really scares me is the idea of being in hospital without anyone to advocate for me. Having seen the way patients without visitors were treated and the way we had to fight for basic care for bith DH and DF. E.g. being told to soil the bed if he really couldn't want for someone to take him to the loo. A patient without the use of his hands being given food and drink but not help to eat/drink it. I know that's not how it should be but I've seen enough to know it often is.

What can I do now to prepare?

How do you get a DNR on file? Ive told my husband but not sure he would follow through with it. My family has a strong horrible history with dementia. I do NOT want to go like that.

So many of the things needing put in here rely on having the money to do it.

What about us lesser mortals who can't throw money at the problem??

We're fucked, aren't we..

My DM has one of these but it was suggested by the doctor during her last hospital admission. I don't know how you sort it proactively before you have a serious health condition or if it's possible. I think it is ultimately a medical call with wishes taken into account rather than a free choice as such.

Money definitely helps, but a lot of this is attitudinal.

My DPs are living a miserable life despite having huge sums in the bank as they refuse to get in the level of support that would make their lives easier - they have even turned down free care! Yes they can choose their own care home, but they are so resistant that by the time they do finally agree to go - or indeed if - they will be past that point.

You can be jealous of me if you want - I should inherit a good amount at this rate - but frankly I would rather they allowed me to spend their money on their comfort and allowed me to live my own life rather than dragging me down with them.

Getting the elderly money to spend money on their own care or any other help that is needed is definitely a real issue. I feel for you, I had no life for five years caring for my DM, she’s in a nursing home now thank goodness. Looking back she sapped so much energy from my own family and definitely from looking after myself. Now I can go back to be being a DD when I visit her twice a week.

Thank you @FastTurtleI have been providing increased support for almost 7 months now and I can’t imagine this situation going on for years. It’s all such a shock as well, before they were just about managing and they kept stressing that they didn’t want to be a burden and I had my own life to live and just throw us in a home when the time comes. Well the time has come and I don’t think they need a home but DF92 with undiagnosed dementia has hysterically become DM’s carer as she is now bed bound, DF could do with someone to do the cooking and washing so he can go back to pottering. But will either of them accept that - dear me no - but happy to accept my time and effort because that’s free to them.

So I take all preparations with a pinch of salt.You don’t know how you’ll be when/if the time comes. Useful and more or less free things are having financial POA well in advance and putting any savings and current accounts into one financial institution. A wet room might have been helpful for them and that does cost about £2000.

My parent's GPs sorted theirs. You ask your GP for it.

This sounds so familiar. Sending solidarity. And it does raise ethical questions because my DM would absolutely have said the same until its her actual reality and it's easy to think our earlier wishes are our true wishes that should be honoured but who can really be judged of that? My DM has not lost capacity but she does have an element of personality change #!& I think lodd of inhibition.

I don't think living in a bungalow is bad for your health if you are active. Just trotting up and down the stairs a couple of times a day doesn't keep you fit.

I will easily be able to keep on top of it internally once it's all finished and if I need to do I can pay for the yard work.

I didn't want to have to move when I was much older. I've moved so much in my life and this last one was the hardest and I'm not elderly.

As others said, I got GP to do it and it's on my medical record at the surgery. When you're admitted to hospital they usually ask (maybe next of kin if you're out of it!) who the GP is and it goes from there. My LPAs also have a copy as they will probably be by my bedside waiting for me to pop off to get their inheritance LOL. only joking, but I'm sure it's happened!

@user1471538283 you’ve done really well to make that move. I get a bit tired about hearing people say you get “bungalow legs”. Living on one floor makes practical sense. Also, stairs can be risky eg in 2023 over 850 deaths of those aged 65+ were caused by falls on stairs. Stairs are the leading cause of accidental deaths and injuries in the home

What's this about bungalows being bad for you! Surely those who live in flats (with a lift) are not all decrepit 😊

My SIL’s DM recently fell down the stairs and broke her hip, she’s unlikely to ever return home now.

This! Some of us manage to live in countries where bungalows are the norm and we are hardly all unfit slobs who can't manage a flight of stairs if we encounter one! I have heard of several people who have injured themselves coming down stairs, which seems far more dangerous for the elderly.

Not me, but know someone who has had her house refurbished to plan for the future. Things like a downstairs wet room.

On a kind of related note, what can you do to convince your aging parents to do the same? My mum has discovered the Swedish Death Cleanse thing. But my dad is a luddite and has never even had a bank account. If my mum dies before him, he will be absolutely fucked. He does not even know how to use the washing machine.

Living will and enough money to get to Switzerland….if you can see it happening. I’m married but no kids or close relatives, if he goes first, I’m fucked.

Sadly unless you can bring yourself to leave him to it, if this comes to pass it’s you who will be screwed trying to support your DF. Every crock decision ends up being the adult DCs issue and you have no choice in those decisions and have to involve the old person in its resolution.

For me I really want to make sure any lack of keeping up with the times on my part don’t result in stress and issues for my DC when I am in old age. I guess that means both parties should be au fait with the finances, bills etc.

My MIL told me how very difficult she found it when her husband died. She was in her early 60s at the time and had never dealt with any of the household or financial stuff (never been allowed to). She was an incredible woman - not only did she learn how to deal with all of that but she also learned how to use a computer and she was very intelligent and resourceful. She had very little education but I think if she had been allowed to finish school and to go on to university she could have done anything.

I miss her.

This was my mother . My father did all the paperwork and organised everything. She was like a child. Couldn’t use a computer. It has all fallen to me to sort out.

I've read a lot of great advice on this thread. But my question is how do you downsize when your adult kids are renting and still need somewhere to stay now and then? Our house is a 2 bed small mid terrace. We all fit in at a stretch. Downsizing would mean no room for them. Kids these days can't get on the housing ladder when there's no inheritance in their banks. And the need to move away for jobs.

That's the situation we are in. It's impossible to downsize. They all come back for Xmas and we still have a lot of their stuff in the loft because they have no space for it. They also come and stay during the year from time to time, and because they live some distance away, need to come for several days to a week at a minimum. They can't afford hotels.

I guess it depends on the parents and the DC’s ages. My MIL kept her house so she could host at Christmas etc . She refused to move even though a much smaller property near amenities would have been more suitable for her. Unfortunately she then spent a good few years not being able to manage the house and climb the stairs safely. She had a fall, went to a hospital, then a care home and then a nursing home. I do think 10 years in a much smaller home would have given her a much better quality of life.

@JacknDiane I've always thought that unless your family live very close to you it's impossible to downsize!

We have a 4 bedroomed house and it's not big enough. DH and I have a bedroom each. DD2 lives 6 hours away and when she comes to stay she needs 2 bedrooms, 1 for her and 1 for my youngest grandchild. That is 4 bedrooms taken up for a start! If we wanted my DD1 and her family to stay we would need another 3 bedrooms. If my DHs DD came to stay with her family that would be another 3 bedrooms. She lives 6 hours away as well - but in a different direction. It is impossible to get everyone here at the same time. DH and I could share at a push but my room is a single with no room for another bed. The spare room is a double with just enough room for a travel cot - no room for another bed. The small spare room is only just big enough for a single bed. We could put 2 on the sofa in the sitting room, which would give us room for 6 people in no particular comfort - OK for a night, perhaps 2, but no longer than that, and that isnt enough for all of us. Families don't get smaller as you get older, they get bigger! Usually.

Ideally, I think, a house that can have the upper floors (or a separate wing(s)) shut off so they need minimal heating and only need cleaning etc. before and after guests arrive would suit us. Then we would only need to look after our own living quarters in the meantime.

I get what you say but it does sound a bit daft, thinking you have to maintain a too-large house year round for the odd occasion you have family staying as guests. There are other options.

Thanks, I just wish he would think ahead. He wont.
His SiL died recently. My mum saw my dad's DB in a supermarket with one of his daughters. She was showing him how to go shopping. He had no idea what to do or even how to pay for things with a card.