Not financially, practically, what can you do to prepare for old age

[Blanketfull]

Or illness?

DH died a long slow death. I cared for him at home until the end. We had some visiting carers but if I hadn't been there he'd have died in an institution, which is what happens for many I guess. However, before that he relied on me a lot for getting to appointments etc. He couldn't have managed in a taxi without help. He wouldn't have been safe at home alone. I doubt he'd have even gone to the hospital the first time, as he was stranded in the bath when things suddenly took a turn for the worse.

My Dad is now in a similar situation. He can manage at home because mum is there and I'm round the corner, he's not so bad he needs to be in a care home, but without mum he probably would be.

I'm a widow and my sons live a distance away. Financially I can pay for what needed, but how do I actually arrange this kind of help, should I need it?

The other thing that really scares me is the idea of being in hospital without anyone to advocate for me. Having seen the way patients without visitors were treated and the way we had to fight for basic care for bith DH and DF. E.g. being told to soil the bed if he really couldn't want for someone to take him to the loo. A patient without the use of his hands being given food and drink but not help to eat/drink it. I know that's not how it should be but I've seen enough to know it often is.

What can I do now to prepare?

Lift weights so you don’t become frail

Also, in case this is relevant to someone, I am 38 and have a health POA due to a condition that can impact my insight. No sge related criteria

Be on at least reasonably cordial or hopefully friendly terms with neighbours. This doesn't come easily to me but y'know.

Same goes for a local taxi firm, pharmacy and takeaway etc. I say all this more as a reminder to myself because I'm very private, stubborn and independent. I'd rather keep people at a distance. I'm polite but I've never been very good at that sort of thing.

I've also got a lot of health problems. The two don't mix. I'm a prime candidate for being Thora Hird in the, "Cream Cracker Under The Settee" play by Alan Bennett.

Nobody would know I was here.

Honestly, I'd research which are the most reliable and reputable care homes locally. My dear SiL did this on our behalf when my parents moved to live near her. It meant that when my mum and dad could no longer care for themselves, we knew exactly who to contact, first for really loving home visits and then for an excellent residential home. If you visit homes or day care providers, interview them, chat to local friends who need them, you can then make it clear which ones you'd like to use if necessary.

Research PoA, set it up with your adult children in the event of you becoming incapacitated but also explain to them what it means. I signed PoA agreements without having a clue that they had to be activated, or how arduous a process this would be.

And the usual stuff like massive decluttering, ensuring your house is suitable for any decline eg a walk-in shower on the ground floor (in a design you actually like) A garden with raised beds and easy access.

And of course plenty of strengthening, weight-bearing and balance exercises, as these decline anyway but way more rapidly if we don't put effort in.

This is great advice. Be nice to neighbours, and build a relationship with a good taxi firm.

I'm on my way there now at 68 and on my own too, but have put some things in place - for now anyway.

LPA done together with DNR and funeral instructions. My will reviewed, papers all in one place, executors know my wishes. Box ticked and I don't have to think of it again.

Installed d/s loo and shower. I don't use the shower bit, but might in the future. I use upstairs loo most of the time for the exercise, unless I'm ahem bursting ha ha. Got house renovated and insulated, new kitchen and walk in shower instead of bath upstairs, so all up to date and hope it will last until I'm out in a box or packed off to Shady Pines.

Got a parallel hand rail on the stairs. Honestly this is so good, it gives great confidence especially coming down with the support of both hands. I'm fine and fit as I want to be, but you just never know.

That's more or less it. I don't care about being in a NH if that's the best thing, I don't want multiple carers in and out all day, but I'm saying that now - who knows what I'll be like if the time comes!

Weight training 2 to 3 times a week. Practise functional movements like push ups and getting on and off the floor. Eat well to reduce risk of disease. Keep brain healthy with games, volunteering, social interaction, friendships.

Some have onsite carers or you can have something like home instead. Some even have a care home on the same site. The trouble is they are £££.

@Namechangedasouting987 you’re right but I genuinely don’t know what to do about the advocacy side of things. Dh is 15yo older than me so unlikely to be about. I have one dc but she’s planning on emigrating. I have no other relatives at all.

Going through this with older relatives. No one knows how they will age and how long they have left. And doing all the "right" things like exercising etc doesn't stop the march of time or sheer bad luck kicking in. These are the things I am learning along the way...

Home: future proof as much as possible e.g. oven at worktop height, doors wide enough for mobility aids, dropped kerbs if you need them. Be honest with yourself about whether you have a lot of "stuff" and whether it just needs to go.

Finances and legal: engage an advisor to simplify things, put PoA in for finances and welfare, advanced directives. Make sure people know about this.

Funeral: leave clear instructions.

Social: Just get out there and enjoy yourself. Meet people, go to clubs, take up a new hobby, learn a new language. Don't just hang around to rot.

I'm in roughly the same situation, in my 60s

I'm focusing on fitness - I run, cycle and practice martial arts which help with aerobic capacity, strength, flexibility & balance.

I eat 30 different fruit & veg a week, and cook from scratch, including all our bread. Avoiding UPFs definitely keeps us healthier, leaner and lighter

I've been updating the house for the last decade. Tidied up the kitchen and bathrooms. It's been rewired and had a new roof, all new exterior windows and doors and a log burner. It's cut heating bills and makes the house more saleable.

I'll stop work sometime in the next year or two, and spend more time working on the parish council and fund raising for the youth club which will hopefully keep my brain busy too.

You can be as fit as a fiddle but old age/ill health comes to us all at some point. I would agree that reviewing your living accommodation is vital. Downsize and/or declutter whilst you can. Could you accommodate a downstairs bedroom and suitable bath/shower room arrangements or would your home take a stairlift? Living in the middle of nowhere may not be practical. Make sure you can walk to a shop or easily get food shop delivered. Stay up to date with technology where you can. Put POA and similar health provision in place. Make that Will and generally future proof your life as best you can

Make sure your house is in great condition and low maintenance.

I'm planning on downsizing to a flat, modern but not new build. Either on the ground floor or with a lift- I don't want to find myself stuck up a flight of stairs that I can't manage.

Have a file with my will, funeral directions and all the legal stuff somewhere easy to find for whoever has the job of sorting things after I die.

Health wise, I'm lifting weights, building core strength and working on balance.

Organise a POA well in advance (hopefully!) of needing one.

Join the U3A (the one in my city is very active) and make sure I stay in touch with people.

Pps have given lots of really good advice. Of course, it goes without saying that nothing is foolproof. But it's about mitigating risk whilst increasing chances of things being as good as possible, and that means acting now, not waiting until things go wrong. Healthy lifestyle, both physically and mentally; maintain as many social contacts as possible; good planning - Powers of Attorney, researching support systems such as cleaners, carers, companions. Remain honest with yourself. Things so often are worse than they should be because people have a tendency to pretend they're fine and that they're coping.

In older age it is things like put a note in your fridge or just inside your door aimed at ambulance crew so they can contact someone.

In terms of someone advocating for you in hospital, in a care home or with carers, I think that is incredibly hard to find unless you have a younger friend or family member who lives near and is willing to do this.

I don't have kids and my husband is older, my siblings are same age, so I expect to end up in this situation.

I am going to write a note to myself to be nice to people, but stick up for myself, to know it is natural to get anxious about small things. I am also going to secrete painkillers somewhere so I at least get pain relief. My Mum is on loads of them, went in for a hip op and they took away her supply and gave her a tiny fraction of her normal amount to cope with the pain. She raised it with the nurses who made Mum cry. My sibling went in with her usual dose and explained. They then upped it.

The obvious one OP, you have sons who live a long way away, is moving near one of them possible? If either of them is settled in an area, I’d be tempted to move nearby while you are young enough to join clubs, volunteer, possibly work still, and build a friendship network in that area. Often older people wait until they are frail and have to move near their adult dcs, by which point it’s harder with health issues to build a network and so rely heavily on their adult DC/ their spouse and grandkids for social interaction.

id also suggest a ground floor shower room, ideally wet room.

I don't think that's obvious at all. I lose my networks and social life, which as others have said is so important, and who's to say if boys will want to stay where they are indefinitely.

And I would definitely move somewhere with good public transport if necessary. I know elderly people who didn't and found it very difficult to cope when they stopped being able to drive.

In terms of having someone to advocate for you in hospital, google “end of life doula”. Like a birth doula but for dying.

Well if your mum was active until 80 that shows it does work as some people can barely move in their late 60s. Her efforts paid off.

Well that’s why I said if they were settled. If one had bought a family home and said this was roughly the area they planned stay in to raise kids.

Yes you’d lose your current network, which is why so many people put off moving near their dcs while they are active. It’s just by the time they do move later on, it’s when they aren’t active anymore and so building a new network is harder.

Not a rush decision, but if one of your sons did put down roots somewhere else, worth you seriously considering.

I'd say it's pretty impossible to cover all bases. Personally I am not downsizing because I like where I live. I intend to stay here and should the need arise pay for carers, cleaners, gardeners. Obviously if I lose capacity it's a different ball game but I have POA and will sorted. I do have family 10 minutes away so I guess it makes it easier but we have to live life to the fullest whatever that may mean.

Keep fit, eat healthily, take part in things in society - they won’t stop everything occurring but you have a better chance of longer better health.

ensure you are living in a manageable accommodation situation, perhaps consider somewhere with a manager or warden, one storey, wide doorways etc. have access to facilities locally, access to public transport.

get help as you need it,

Do a living will. I’m intending to refuse all vaccinations etc if I’m bedbound or in institutional care. I’ll also look into Dignitas etc.

NHS hospital care in old age is a terrifying prospect too 😬