Not financially, practically, what can you do to prepare for old age

[Blanketfull]

Or illness?

DH died a long slow death. I cared for him at home until the end. We had some visiting carers but if I hadn't been there he'd have died in an institution, which is what happens for many I guess. However, before that he relied on me a lot for getting to appointments etc. He couldn't have managed in a taxi without help. He wouldn't have been safe at home alone. I doubt he'd have even gone to the hospital the first time, as he was stranded in the bath when things suddenly took a turn for the worse.

My Dad is now in a similar situation. He can manage at home because mum is there and I'm round the corner, he's not so bad he needs to be in a care home, but without mum he probably would be.

I'm a widow and my sons live a distance away. Financially I can pay for what needed, but how do I actually arrange this kind of help, should I need it?

The other thing that really scares me is the idea of being in hospital without anyone to advocate for me. Having seen the way patients without visitors were treated and the way we had to fight for basic care for bith DH and DF. E.g. being told to soil the bed if he really couldn't want for someone to take him to the loo. A patient without the use of his hands being given food and drink but not help to eat/drink it. I know that's not how it should be but I've seen enough to know it often is.

What can I do now to prepare?

Challenge ageism, in yourself and others.

How are you talking about, thinking about, older people? They're the ones who can tell you what it's like to be old. Are you listening, or are you judging them for not trying hard enough to stay young?

You make a good and sobering point OP. For many older people there comes a point when they are hospitalised and have a grim time with nobody to advocate for them. Perhaps a serious conversation about this with your sons now will help most. If they will take on LPA and be ready to set aside time to come and make sure you are getting proper care when certain events happen, that might reassure you. Also you being willing to live closer to them if you become unable to manage.

Others have talked about how to stay young, but that's not what I'm asking about.

I'm talking about my experience of supporting people who have done everything right, but still finding themselves in a position where I don't know what would have happened to them without support from someone like me. In DH's case cancer, and in my Dad's case living to a long and active old age, but still facing an inevitable decline in the end.

Lift weights.

Walk everywhere.

Keeping up your muscle mass as much as possible for as long as possible is so underrated. It will help you keep your independence, balance and protects joints.

Stop drinking or smoking/vaping completely if you are.

Yes, yes we all know what we should be doing to live well for as long as possible and I do that pretty well, but there is still likely to be a period of illness and decline in the end, even if we're lucky enough for it to be short.

Get used to having people in the house, employ a cleaner/housekeeper before you need one. Yes I know it’s a double edged sword as it’s good to do these things while you can, but my experience with my DPs shows that if you leave it too long, you become resistant to change including strangers in the home. Instead if you have a trusted regular person, they will likely be able to offer additional paid for support like shopping etc. when it is needed, and it’s going to feel less intrusive as you are used to them being around.

Sorry, it wasn't meant to be a lecture.

In my culture its common for people to still be very independent at a late age. Its generally put down to staying very active, staying working and being healthy.

Give up alcohol now, it is truly one of the worst things to consume if you want to live a long healthy life.

Give up smoking / vaping now too. Again, really bad for us.

Stay active

Eat a balanced diet and take a good multivitamin

Plan a future proof home

Write a will

Annual blood work

Stay abreast of technology because so many elderly today are wholly excluded from so many simple day to day tasks because they can’t use tech.

I think try to cultivate a wide network of friends that you visit in hospital and take to appointments etc. Embrace technology, adaptations and care when offered - many of my relatives make their lives so much harder than they need to be. Consider moving somewhere set up for old age or close to family, ahead of needing to. But I agree it's a scary prospect to be totally dependent.

Keep as fit as you can!

Our beloved dog died 6 weeks ago. I'm not ready for another yet but I'm still walking. I've surprised myself as I used to say I'm lazy and wouldn't walk if not for DDog. I miss her terribly but walking has helped me mentally.

We're in our mid 70s and luckily fit and well. It'll be a 7+ dog next time though.

But do we all know and also do ?
I listen to Peter Attia a lot, I recommend trying a few of his podcasts.
You need to build muscle and Vo2 max. This isn't the odd walk or yoga. This is serious muscle training and especially in those areas that are most useful for older age eg lifting up from sitting to standing unassisted, grip strength for handles that sort of thing. It's also doing uncomfortable training such as interval training to build VO2 max so that in later life you dont get out of breath going up stairs. Balance so you dont fall.
There are some good supplements that you can take that have genuine benefits. As a woman ensuring you have good bone density etc.

Other practical steps, not necessarily downsizing but a house that works if you do have restricted mobility so that has kitchen, bathroom, a room that can be a bedroom all on one level. Having a separate space for carers or relatives is ideal but that can be on another level.

I 100pc agree in terms of advocating. My best friend who was single and no kids had terminal cancer and we all had to advocate for her, especially her siblings. It was awful at times but we all rallied round. So talk to your friends about what you want and what's important. We all knew what she felt about things so we were able to advocate well for her (I think) especially in those last weeks when she was barely conscious.

You're right- this is a real challenge and has worried me for ages after semi-caring for aged parents and friends. Having a live in carer who could be full on in hospital too helped a lot- and cost weekly more than I take home. I think back to isolated elderly people in my youth- typically they first depended on neighbours and volunteers, then ended up in decent, council funded care homes.

It's really interesting how many people think they can avoid ill health by looking after themselves. We know there are things we can do to help, but the end is still going to come with a decline.

DH was very fit and active, but still got cancer, which led to 6 months bed bound and in pain before his death.

My Dad always walked everywhere, had an allotment, played golf and was an amazing sprightly older gentleman into his 80s. Then he got prostate cancer and the treatment has ruined him.

My Grandad lived independently until 88, his neighbours would on occasion call to say you'd better come and deal with your Dad, he's up a ladder again, but he still needed to move in with my uncle for the last 2 years of his life. He was still fit and well for his age, but declining, and he had an illness and spent a lot of time in hospital in the end.

Taking care of yourself isn't going to mean you live well until the day you die. Im thinking about how that period can be managed if you don't have (basically) a spouse to do it.

As someone who's cared for old relatives

do not live out in the sticks and expect all care to fall on family members because you refuse to let anyone else in. So so many old people refuse to move or have a house too big that has rooms unused out in the arse end of nowhere. Rural living is no good for elderly people who rely on others for transport. It's incredibly frustrating.
my grandad lived out in the sticks, alone, in a big house. In the end we said to him he either pays to have a wet room and everything he needs downstairs or he moves, or goes into assisted living. He could afford to do any and all of those things.

he essentially paid thousands and thousands for his house too big basically become a bungalow with the whole of upstairs rotting away, as I refused to clean it and he wouldn't get outside help in. In the end we had to be firm and I guess cruel to be kind, and we started saying 'no' to things. In the end he moved to where my parents are 10 doors up. He wanted us to sort the house and make it tip top for a sale. We did bits but again reinforced that he chose to live rurally and the more we did, the less he did. So it was mostly paid outside help, a lot of things went in the skip or were sold.

I did my best for him, as did my mum.
my parents (only in mid 50s) are active and healthy but have moved to a town with excellent transport links and facilities and have downsized now us kids have moved out and sorted LPOA. And I'm incredibly grateful.

Honestly, I'd research which are the most reliable and reputable care homes locally.

Trouble is, care homes are not unchanging entities, and are only as good as the current staff. Staff turnover in the care sector is incredibly high, and it only takes a shortage of staff/an influx of staff not suited to care work (many)/a manager who doesn’t set a high enough bar as far as safeguarding and basic compassion are concerned, and the culture of a home can become toxic within a very short space of time.

Agree OP, but I think it's human nature to think death and decline is something that happens to other people. I think the real truth is that there isn't an awful lot you can do when you get to extreme ill health, but to maintain quality of life before that then my main advice would not to let pride get in the way. My DM is basically house bound because she thinks wheelchairs, scooters, blue badges, are not for her. And similarly won't adapt her house or accept care

To a certain extent it is luck of the draw. My dad had advanced Parkinson’s and no matter how he tried to fight against it - swim, gym, bridge club - eventually he ended up in a nursing home, in a wheel chair, not able to manage his clothes or even able to use the toilet.

On the other hand my aunt, his sister, lived to be 95 and lived independently in her home (with stairs) until the last couple of months of her life. She didn’t go to the gym, she didn’t swim, but she was able to take herself into town on the bus for her weekly shop.

It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do what you can re diet, exercise, company etc in order to give yourself the best chance possible. But it’s no guarantee.

Of course and of course we should do what we can to take care of ourselves, but I was asking what step should be taken to prepare for when we do need help.

It's fascinating that so many responses have been here's what you need to do so that it doesn't happen to you. For most it still will, even if it's later and/or for a shorter period of time.

I think some people- including my DH - genuinely think you can avoid ill health in old age through diet and exercise, despite the barely living proof of my DPs. At some point the mind or body just stops functioning properly, sadly for my DPs because they kept themselves healthy it looks like the mind is packing up first.

The only changes they could have made over the past 5-10 years that would have helped greatly is getting used to having some help around the house .

As pp said, we can do everything we are advised re exercise, diet and social connections etc. but no one knows what's around the corner. No one. Luck is a big part of it too.

My SIL is married to a man twenty one years older than her. She is about to turn 70 and he is now 91. She has lots of bits and pieces wrong with her, none life threatening for now, but somewhat debilitating, such as knee and hip problems and some other stuff. She is much less active than her husband. He on the other hand despite a great age sea swims every morning at 6 am, he tends to his large garden and grows spuds, fruit and veg and tends to a greenhouse. He walks his pooch twice a day, to look at him you would think he was twenty years younger, no wrinkles, slim, and so on.

I asked him what his secret is, and he said "luck and genetics". His brother died at 101 last year and never did a bit of exercise in his life and drank alcohol every day until he died.

Yes. My parents are reluctantly considering a gardener now, but that's as far as it goes.

I've had cleaners at various times, but now it's just me and I'm retired I don't need one. I also, even as a busy younger person grateful for the help, didn't particularly enjoy having someone else doing my cleaning and found it very difficult to find good ones.

@Blanketfull TBH I think all you can do is keep as healthy as you can and have enough money put aside for a top class care home or carers who come and live in (or several times a day.)

You can't always guarantee good health to your 90s.
My DH has terminal cancer, diagnosed in his early 60s, despite being active and physically fit and it was only discovered by chance (no symptoms.)

I hope in time to move closer to my children who are currently an hour or two away but it's a very difficult journey on very busy motorways.

Some of my family (aunts, uncles, father) lived long lives right to their 90s and ended up being in hospital for a few days before they died, or died at home (almost in their sleep.)

There's no magic solution but you can only get the practical stuff in place.
We did out POA a while ago, we've got a great FA who supports us with financial decisions and inheritance planning. I think that's the best anyone can do because the future is unknown.

Do weights and load bearing exercise such as jumping every day. The thing that often gets women is a hip breakage / brittle bones. Jumping helps prevent that - scientifically proven

I don't think anyone needs more advice on keeping fit. It can hold back the years and ageing BUT it won't make you immortal!

I think the OP is asking what would happen to her when (like all of us) we become ill and death is on the horizon. The practical side of being cared for without having to be in hospital long term.

That's how I saw it but maybe not?