Not financially, practically, what can you do to prepare for old age

[Blanketfull]

Or illness?

DH died a long slow death. I cared for him at home until the end. We had some visiting carers but if I hadn't been there he'd have died in an institution, which is what happens for many I guess. However, before that he relied on me a lot for getting to appointments etc. He couldn't have managed in a taxi without help. He wouldn't have been safe at home alone. I doubt he'd have even gone to the hospital the first time, as he was stranded in the bath when things suddenly took a turn for the worse.

My Dad is now in a similar situation. He can manage at home because mum is there and I'm round the corner, he's not so bad he needs to be in a care home, but without mum he probably would be.

I'm a widow and my sons live a distance away. Financially I can pay for what needed, but how do I actually arrange this kind of help, should I need it?

The other thing that really scares me is the idea of being in hospital without anyone to advocate for me. Having seen the way patients without visitors were treated and the way we had to fight for basic care for bith DH and DF. E.g. being told to soil the bed if he really couldn't want for someone to take him to the loo. A patient without the use of his hands being given food and drink but not help to eat/drink it. I know that's not how it should be but I've seen enough to know it often is.

What can I do now to prepare?

I have lots of ideas, but I fear in 20 years I'll be just as guilty of being an unreasonable old bat as my DPs and PILs have inadvertently been.

Keep up with friends and social life so you have someone to notice you and you can look out for them too.

Keep up with technology enough to communicate and stay in touch with life.

Best way to avoid hospital, try to avoid falls. Make your home safe.

Have some back up plans. Be able to use taxis and get things delivered. Put safety features in place before you get to a crisis.

Don't tell everyone you dread being "put in an institution". Say you would be just as happy in a nice care home. There are kind and friendly care and nursing homes. Don't put that obligation to care for you (unpaid) on your nearest and dearest and wreck their health too.

If you are sitting on six figure savings, spend a bit of it making your life easier such as getting a taxi to appointments rather than expecting family to drive 2 hours to take you.

And yes to will, LPA and funeral arrangements.

There's a balance to be found between being a bit prudent and failing to enjoy the moment for fear of the future. Remember to enjoy life.

@Mumptynumpty
am I being dim??
’Not walking on your bones’
can you explain?
ta

Honestly, I fully intend to tell the kids to put me in a home ASAP if I lose my marbles, it's really not going to make much difference to me and I don't want them to feel they have to look after me.

It's not losing my marbles that worries me, it's being physically unable to care for myself. DH was mentally competent but completely bedbound for the last 6m of his life (at 54).

Even in hospital that's a problem, as he was unable to defend his belongings from wandering patients with MH issues. It was really traumatic, but he did have me to stick up for him.

I think you’re right to be worried. So I’d aim to shorten that period of life as much as possible. Write an Advanced Refusal of Treatment letter and take it to your GP to put in your notes. Sort out PoA for your sons and make sure your attorney knows your wishes.

I agree

Do strength training.

We’ve just had a small extension done with a downstairs loo and walk in shower room. That way if we can’t manage stairs at least we could put a bed in our dining room and live completely downstairs.

we’re also trying to future proof our house, installed solar panels to reduce electric bills in the future, things like that

I would say make sure your house can accommodate sleeping downstairs and has a loo and preferably a walk in shower. Think about tripping hazards. Don’t have a garden in several levels with steps for example.
Keep up to date with technology. Live somewhere with good public transport and close to a good hospital .

I agree about having an advocate in hospital. So many nursing staff now don’t even do basic care.So good friends and family members if possible. Updated will and power of attorney sorted.

Declutter ruthlessly.

There are loads of useful suggestions for when youre still able but not quite as able as you used to be, but I'm concerned about when things are worse then that. When you need someone to speak up for you.

I also agree with all the lifestyle things to try and stave it off, but that won't protect you indefinitely, and not necessarily at all. Dh was very healthy until he wasn't, and my Dad was one of those sprightly older gentlemen everyone thinks is amazing, until he wasn't.

Hi

i was just wondering if you had any advice specifically in regard to neuro plasticity & strokes? What helps most etc

TIA

I think talk to your sons, tell them if it happens that you need them to hire an advocate/personal assistant for you, perhaps more than one. It’s the sort of work that might be advertised informally on local Facebook groups, but maybe carer agencies could help - if you can find an agency you can save the details.

I may be in this situation, and this is what I plan, if so.

My ideal would be somewhere with a room downstairs preferably with ensuite to use for guests now (but that I can move into if absolutely necessary as I think living in a home with stairs is good for you when you can manage them) with additional bedrooms/bathroom uodtsurs gif guests.carers.

I'm 'only' 55 & had a stroke earlier this year very fortunately it hasn't affected me cognitively or speech & eating. But I live alone & it's been quite challenging.

having no one to advocate for me when I was in hospital was hard enough. But seeing how others worse off than I was, was heart breaking and I did what I could on their behalf or did things for them, but it's not easy as another patient. Having another stroke & being one of them scares the living fuck out of me, but there's nothing I can do about it.

There's a limit to what you can do to 'prepare' because you don't know what your 'issues' will be, but decluttering makes life easier, having your paperwork well sorted & filed helps. Having good friends/neighbours helps. Having contacts on hand for things like neighbourhood transport helps. Having an established supermarket delivery has helped me a LOT.

One to keep in mind for your parents when one of them is left alone (sorry xx) is 'Your Stride' watches, they're inexpensive watches that have falls alarms on them, easy to use, & easy to call for help even if they haven't had a fall. The only downside to them currently is they aren't waterproof, but that may change by the time one of your parents needs one.

I've just put that in my basket!

I have a notebook I did myself ages ago, but I may use it to check I've covered everything!

I was going to suggest this.
Talk to your sons about this.

When my grandmother was in a nursing home she was in a different continent.
We hired someone to come in a few hours per day to sit with her, read with her, make sure her favourite TV shows were on, check she had eaten, that her laundry had been done etc

My grandmother thought they were ladies from her church who were volunteering.

Keep fit and keep your brain active

And make younger friends who will hopefully be able to advocate for you

This is a great idea

(also v sweet re church volunteers)

I helped to care for my elderly father when he was dying and I was there as he died. I won't forget that in a hurry. I found my elderly mother dead as well, but her death was more swift. I would prefer her death to his, as it was swift and unexpected. I was told by surgeons that I have a terminal condition. They gave me an estimated 5 years and in that time I have somewhat reversed the prognosis by refusing to believe what they have told me. It is a case of mind over matter, coupled with some clinical misjudgement on their side. If I ever felt I was near the end then I would get myself to Dignitas. I would never, ever, under any circumstances want my kids to see their parents dead like I did. It isn't something you get over and it follows you around in your thoughts for the rest of your life. It also gives you new insight into the elder years. Dying in an NHS hospital is my definition of pure hell. No way am I going on some death pathway (whatever fancy name they want to apply to it these days). As someone who has had sarcoma and a whole bunch of other vascular injuries in the past five years, my advice is not to prepare for old age (apart from the pension to pay for it). No one can be sure they'll get there, and if they do they might be in reduced functional capacity to where they are now. Think of age as being just a number and make a mental note to do all those things you wanted to do in your lifetime. Then do them as soon as you can. Putting stuff off for another month, year, decade is as much of a killer as old age when you finally have the time to learn surfing but cannot manage it within a body affected by advancing years. A hospice nurse once told me that her dying patient cohort would often speak in their last weeks of life regrets. It wasn't buying a fancy car or the best sofa, it wasn't having the biggest TV or the most money in the world. They all spoke of regrets in how they treated people, family fallouts, places they never visited, languages they never learned, or careers they never pursued. So the best option, I think, is to concentrate on what you have now, don't dwell on the past and plan whatever time left to be filled with productive and pleasure filled moments of personal happiness whatever shape or form that comes in. Don't put off until tomorrow what can be enjoyed today, so if you are lucky enough to reach old age then you can look back at a fulfilled life knowing you did it your way.

Downsize to an accessible apartment (with a lift or ground floor) or a single level, smaller home. Get a walk-in / wheelchair-in shower installed. Rip up carpets. Make sure doorways will accommodate a wheelchair.

Look for somewhere small, with no individual garden to maintain, and parking conveniently available. A communal garden might be nice, or a balcony where you could grow plants. If you have extremely green fingers, try to get an allotment.

Two bedrooms are a good idea - a carer could use one, or visiting family could stay with you.

Get PoA for finances and health sorted.
Make a will.
Make your relatives aware of any 'do not resuscitate' wishes you may have.

Keep active. Eat lots of veg. Cut back on alcohol. Stop smoking. Keep your friendships and make new friends if you can. You will find as you age that you'll encounter an increasing number of widows and older divorced women who might like to be part of a book club or a theatre / cinema club, or yoga, or whatever.

I have this exact issue . I won’t have immediate family when I’m very old and so don’t know who would advocate . I have a good social circle of friends now but who’s to say in 20/25 years what the situation will be . I imagine as people get their own problems / needs they retreat into their own lives more .

That's what I would like to do, but unfortunately I won't be able to afford to.

I have no close family so will have to start making plans for the future at some stage.

Get into the habit of shopping online for home delivery of most things, including groceries. Get in touch with whatever aged care services may operate in your region to find out what kinds of home help are available if they become needed (always best to be well informed before such need arises). Employ a gardener and cleaner when needed and be prepared to make that your standard procedure.

Research voluntary euthanasia services for your region and the legal conditions and practical arrangements this entails.

Some of the challenges I’m facing are what to expect from other people and how that will work practically. If you have a long hospital stay, is someone expected to be there several times a day to make sure you’ve eaten? And what if you don’t feel hungry and assure them you’ll eat later? If your short term memory is impaired then will you remember that you saw a physio that day and to do the exercises? If you’ve ended up on a busy medical ward with lots of other patients and their visitors what is the genuine alternative? If you fall at home alone and can’t get up then what are you going to do about that? Do you expect other people to cancel their plans to be on call to help you? If you’ve lived a fairly healthy and uneventful life are you going to manage taking lots of prescribed medication or are you distrustful of pills? Figure out how to use the NHS app and see what’s already on there. Don’t assume that you can pick up a phone and have someone waiting on the other end. Don't assume that other people will know your medical history (but don’t spend all your time complaining about your ailments). Consider writing a list of all the things that you take for granted and then review how well you can do each of these every year. You might think you are coping well when you aren’t. If you have money, consider how you will use it if you can’t login etc - do you expect others to foot the bill, and you pay them back later? Try to understand what end of life care planning involves and bear in mind that you might still feel that you are not in that stage, especially if you are in a ward surrounded by people you feel are worse off than you. Sorry for essay, this has been therapeutic!

My mum has point blank refused to walk so much as a mile to the shops in her life, and it's come back to bite her now she's 72 with zero muscle mass and fitness.
So I'm keeping fit (I always have) and doing strength training.
I also think it's important to maintain/forge community links, and keep your brain active. I'm too good at watching mindless tv when I'm not working or at the gym, so I need to get a hobby that uses my brain a bit more. I'm better in the summer as I like gardening.
Declutter your house. My inlaws place is a nightmare and awful to recuperate in after operations or illness.
Live in a town, walking distance from amenities. My inlaws live on a busy A road in the countryside, with no pavement, bus service, shop or pub. They have a large garden, bottle gas, a septic tank, a sloping driveway that they have regular falls on, and live 3 hours from their children (they retired there - the middle class dream!) They're losing confidence with driving, and the ability to afford a car, and can't afford taxis. They're fucked and I don't know what the future holds for them.
None of it gives you any guarantees, but hopefully gives you better odds overall.

I have a good circle of friends too, but give or take a few years they're pretty much the same age as me.

If a younger friend or neighbour posted on here about their elderly neighbour who was becoming very reliant on them, what would the advice be....? Advocating for DH was a FT job at times, who would take that on or someone outside immediate family?