Not financially, practically, what can you do to prepare for old age

[Blanketfull]

Or illness?

DH died a long slow death. I cared for him at home until the end. We had some visiting carers but if I hadn't been there he'd have died in an institution, which is what happens for many I guess. However, before that he relied on me a lot for getting to appointments etc. He couldn't have managed in a taxi without help. He wouldn't have been safe at home alone. I doubt he'd have even gone to the hospital the first time, as he was stranded in the bath when things suddenly took a turn for the worse.

My Dad is now in a similar situation. He can manage at home because mum is there and I'm round the corner, he's not so bad he needs to be in a care home, but without mum he probably would be.

I'm a widow and my sons live a distance away. Financially I can pay for what needed, but how do I actually arrange this kind of help, should I need it?

The other thing that really scares me is the idea of being in hospital without anyone to advocate for me. Having seen the way patients without visitors were treated and the way we had to fight for basic care for bith DH and DF. E.g. being told to soil the bed if he really couldn't want for someone to take him to the loo. A patient without the use of his hands being given food and drink but not help to eat/drink it. I know that's not how it should be but I've seen enough to know it often is.

What can I do now to prepare?

I purposely bought a bungalow (which I love anyway) but after seeing my DGM struggle with a massive house I was determined it wouldn't be me. I'm also constantly decluttering because her house was full of stuff and large furniture.

I also live in a village with amenities so I can walk for groceries, the doctor, the post office and there's regular buses.

The one thing I'm trying to do (not very well at the moment) is manage my stress and anxiety.

Living in a bungalow before you need to is apparently one of the worst things you can do for your health.

I am so sorry your DH had such an awful experience.

But that’s not going to be needed for most of us I hope ( which is all I can do). If one of my DPs are in hospital it will be me advocating for them and I would like to think I would make sure they got the pain relief they needed. That’s why I wish they would give in on the small stuff so I have energy for when it’s really needed.

Would your DCs not be there for you in an emergency requiring hospitalisation, or at least at the end of a phone ?

I don’t know. I’m too young to have experience with this yet myself but the elderly people I know who seem to be doing best so far are the ones who have cultivated links with their local community and have people nearby who would check on them or notice if things were wrong. The easiest way is if their family is local but it doesn’t have to be. Maybe they have lived in the same area for a while and got to know it well before becoming infirm, making good neighbours, attending local groups, having an allotment, volunteering with a charity etc. Or they have a religious community that looks out for them.

That’s still a mainstay of many elderly people’s lives and a way to make younger friends which hasn’t really been mentioned. Are you religious? If so is there a weekly service you could go to nearby (in person, not on Zoom)? The kind of thing where there’s a cup of tea after and a sense of companionship, you might need to search about a bit to find a good fit.

If not religious anything that gives you a regular commitment that gets you out to be social, perhaps volunteering at a charity shop or community group. Soroptimists International and the WI can be another source of friends and you can look out for each other.

Living alone is overrated, I think. When I retire if widowed I would want a Golden Girls type situation with similar age housemates who keep my feet on the ground, share expenses and keep me in touch with a social world. Or perhaps if I were lucky enough to own a big house I’d have a lodger or become a landlady for a group of university students- bring in a little money and enjoy their comings and goings and their younger take on life. And certainly to get used to people coming and going, getting a cleaner, paying a neighbour’s kids to help you with the garden, seems like it would be helpful.

End of life I don’t know. I think a lot of people die in hospital who wouldn’t want that but it’s hard when hospice care is so hard to get now and families live distant/ have work they need to do. Nobody really has much control over how they die, do they.

Yes, probably, as much as they could, living at the other end of the country.

I'm so sorry to hear your DH suffered in that way.

However, I'd also say try not to let that experience make you 'catastrophise' about your own life and demise. It's not always as bad as your H experienced.

It sounds as if the hospital was particularly bad.

To be honest, if that was you, your sons would have to step up.

I don't know your age or theirs, but it's not impossible that they could be quite old by the time you die . (I'm in my 70s and my mum is in her late 90s and at the other end of the country.)

Whatever their circumstances, they would have to try to be with you, by taking holiday from work and 'juggling' as people do. My DH was driving a round trip of 500 miles in a weekend to see his elderly mum before she died in addition to international travel for work .

You might also have close friends who can help you out if and when you need it.

I know you don’t want to move near your children now but if you needed a nursing home would you move to one near them then?

my siblings and I don’t live near my parents but I have a nursing home very near me in mind if one were widowed and needed nursing home care.

Also when my mum was unwell and hospitalised earlier this year my siblings and I coordinated being there with my parents until I could get my mother moved to a hospital near me and my Dad stayed with me until my mother was well enough to go home.

She had health insurance so moving to a private hospital close to me was an option.

Have you shared your fears with your children? You might be able to come up with plans together.

I think the answer to your question, OP, is if you experience a period of decline and have no family support (I don't have kids so will likely be in that boat), you will be cared for by the State and it might be really shit.
I'm not willing to worry too much about it yet though. A lot of people have shit lives all the way through, and I've not. I've had a great life overall, so far, and yes, perhaps the last 5 will be awful.

I'm estimating you're in your late 40s or 50s @Blanketfull ?

If so, you have- statistically- a lot of years ahead. maybe 20 or 30 before you really need to worry.

You could move, in time , nearer your sons- that's on my agenda at some point partly as I'm now on the other end of this - a daughter with a 90+ mother at the other end of the country. I don't want my children to have to do what I'm doing now.

I know about "bungalow legs" but it's not the only factor. Yes you lose the exercise of using stairs but that could be compensated. My MIL had several serious falls down the stairs in their tiny 2-up-2-down house with no downstairs loo, the last of which landed her in hospital for the last 3 weeks of her life.

On the other hand my auntie lived to almost 100 in her little flat.

You have to take a balanced view or you will be at the mercy of every "apparently do this one thing to live to 100" meme.

I posted similar up thread.

Still so many posts about keeping fit and eating well. A bit patronising really, as others have explained, however fit and strong you are it comes to an end. Often unexpectedly.
Late cancer diagnosis, accident, stroke. All these can change the life of someone in old age who was previously super fit and well.

I think the real issue is having no one to advocate for you when you’re in hospital. If you’ve got nobody to check on you when you’re an impatient you’re well and truly stuffed. That’s the essence of what this thread is about

I'm getting old, something l wish l had done. Got an automatic car last time, instead of manual. I'm told they are much easier to drive, but I'm not sure l could cope with the change now.

Yes and that and the 'care' youre receiving at home. Some carers are angels, some are not.

DH's last car was an automatic. I hated it and never got used to driving it. It felt like it had a mind of it's own!

@Blanketfull I have been through similar to you, fighting for good care for my elderly father and also my husband. My husband has a chronic, painful condition and he has phoned me in the middle of the night when he’s been an inpatient asking for me to come in and advocate for him as he was being ignored. He a doctor too but it makes no difference when he’s ill.
I’ve also had first hand experience when I was in hospital with Covid pneumonia. It’s like I was invisible. I had a terrible headache and asked very politely many, many times for paracetamol but I was ignored. In the end I asked my husband to phone in the ward and ask if I could have paracetamol ( he wasn’t allowed to visit due to Covid rules at the time) I eventually got it with much distain and eye rolling. I now have a hospital bag packed with paracetamol in it!

Live somewhere with a railway station. Not a tiny village with one bus a week.

Keep abreast of technology so you can use the NHS app and shop online.

And hope that we get safe driverless cars ;)

Late cancer diagnosis, accident, stroke. All these can change the life of someone in old age who was previously super fit and well

But maybe they'll take you off quickly rather than you having a long drawn out decline. My aunt died of a stroke - it didn't kill her immediately but she was only in hospital a few days. She was fit and well until then (mid 80s).

And on the medication point, yes take your own medication and keep it secret! My mum took painkillers in with her when she had an op and they mixed them up with their supply and so wouldn't give them back. And they locked them away and lost the key for hours. So hide them in your toiletry bag.

@dynamiccactus brilliant advice re secret meds

@Mitochondriapowerhouse I was also in hospital with covid. They never managed to get my drugs right. I had taken mine in but made the mistake of telling them. They locked them in the drawer so I couldn't help myself. The trouble is that most hospital admissions like this are unplanned and emergency so you are not prepared or you are too ill to pack a bag.

@isitmyturn I’m sorry you went through that. It really is worthwhile having a small bag prepared. I’ve got one somewhere but I can’t remember where I’ve put it 😂 this thread has reminded me to seek it out.
When I was in hospital I just felt like a nuisance, it was awful. I normally take care of my appearance and I’m friendly but because I was ill I think I just looked like I was a feeble old dear. They even asked my H on the phone if I was “all there” implying I had dementia. No, I didn’t have dementia, I had a blinding headache and no one would give me any paracetamol!

OP - throughout your posts on here, it’s pretty clear you had a really traumatic time with your DH, and like many people who have seen someone die in a particular traumatic way, you seem certain you’ll go through similar. I’m pretty convinced I’ll die slowly of dementia given family history.

It also seems you are pretty certain that your sons won’t step up when you are at the end. Why do you think that?

If it’s the distance, then as you seem terrified of having no one when you are dying, you really should consider once they have settled in an area, you think about moving close to them.

Practically - we future-proofed our home before we needed to. We put in a downstairs shower/utility room. We put (fairly attractive) grabrails in both our showers. When we chose the toilet for the shower room we chose a slightly higher one. When we upgraded our kitchen we ensured that all the bottom units were drawers, to make it easier to get things out of them. When we had the floors done we ensured they were flat with no thresholds at the doors. We have looked into roofing the conservatory versus getting a stairlift if one of us is no longer able to get upstairs - that is something to do later.

I am so glad we did all that - it was all in place when I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2023. I didn't have a good time during treatment and have still not entirely recovered, so all those things came in really useful.

I have applied for PIP (probably should have done it before) and we already have somebody who does a couple of hours cleaning once a fortnight. If I get that I will apply to the council to put a handrail on my front steps.

Once I reach retirement I will apply for DLA, and the council has lists of agencies who can help with care, cleaning etc. If I need those before I retire then I can still access them.

I'm not allowed to drive at the moment, I don't know if I will ever be able to do that again, so at present DH drives me. However if there comes a time when he can't drive we will use taxis when necessary and get the bus when we can.

All these are practical things I think.

Another one those talking about cars has made me think about. If you think about how often you change cars, so roughly how many cars you’ll need between now and mid-70s, I’d consider getting an electric car sooner rather than later so you are used to them, the charging technology etc.

Strength train, keep socialising and go part time instead of retiring

I think a good idea is to get help before you absolutely have to. Cleaner, gardener etc.