Is it strange to be a couple long term and never marry?

[Benny91]

As me and my girlfriend are both 33 and are seeing people around our age obviously get married and are feeling strange about it as we’ve been together for 7 years! Is it an absolute societal expectation or norm that if you’re a long term couple that you must marry?

Is there any other couples on here that are in a similar situation to us?

If you are married, what made you want to marry?

It just makes me depressed at the moment that everyone’s getting married and we both don’t know what to do going forward.

I just did some deduction. The minimum cost is c£140. You cannot afford to get married. Ergo you and your DP cannot spare the £140 to get married.

Just a logical conclusion I reached after assess the facts

My brother and his wife are in the process of having 3 weddings to 100% guarantee that their marriage is recognised.
They have married in the UK
They have married in the US
And they are having the wedding they want next year in the location they want.
Expensive way of doing it, but they have covered their relationship on at least 2 continents 🤣

@JG24 Yes. Divorces are no fault.

I wasn't fussed about getting married but I wanted children and it was important to my partner to be married first. As it turns out my husband died at 38 and being married made sorting out all the legalities of our home and his pension much easier. His parents have been awful to me and I definitely think they would have challenged me in court over my home if we weren't married.

Hummus like the sound of that! Lots of parties and also legally watertight in every jurisdiction what’s not to like !

A legal marriage in one country is recognised in the others it’s just CPs that cause issues as other countries don’t understand them

35 years with other half and not married people are surprised when we tell them

We’re not married and have children mortgage etc. we really want to do a basic registry office ceremony but it’s family dynamics getting in the way. Both families would be very upset, as would children. Would have to keep it very secret and not sure we are brave enough for that. Have really bad anxiety so don’t want a wedding or any fuss. Massively avoiding the whole situation but need to wed for IHT purposes. Don’t know what to do but really really don’t want a proper wedding or all the fuss even a basic celebration comes with. Sometimes it’s not as simple as just not being able to afford the ceremony it’s the politics that come with it

It’s just go to the local council and do it. I see the outcome of those that die suddenly unmarried and if you are over the threshold the tax is brutal. It seems so unfair bereaved survivors end up paying tens of thousands in tax totally avoidably. Or you have to arrange a deathbed wedding which is fucking awful and stressful. If you e got no assets fine but you have bring unmarried is mental unless you are widowed or have children already.

@ItsAWonderfulLifeforMe The fallout if you die and aren’t married is much greater than any angst of getting married! A town hall wedding can be no frills. You can leave out family and celebrate separately when you are ready. Marriage gives each partner more protection and your dc. Not being married jeopardizes the financial situation for your dc.

We were together 10 yearś before we got married. My DD and her partner have been together 19 years, have 2 children, and are not married.

I don't think 7 years together is all that long. Although I'm not sure why you are so unsure of whether you want to be married. I think a lot of people do it for the big wedding and the fuss of it and then it frequently doesn't last. The wedding is not the important bit of marriage, the commitment is. Some people like to formalize that commitment, some don't.

If you are fully committed to each other then making my a decision about marriage should be fairly easy. In our case we had both been married twice before and neither of us wanted to make another mistake, but we eventually realised that we both wanted to marry each other so we had a low key wedding with just our family as guests. We could, equally as much, just have decided that we didn't need to be married. We have now been married for 9 years and we are very happy.

Yes, this is the Big Thing, if you have enough assets for it to be a factor. And TBH given house prices now, you certainly don’t need to be by any means ‘rich’.

There have been posts recently about unmarried couples who once age/illness creep in there may be issues re inheritance/care/family working their own agenda. Marriage takes away some of those issues.

My main thing is why do you have kids and a life together and live together if you're not married

I do this- why wouldn’t I?

My main question to you would be why aren't you married? (assuming yes to the kids thing). You've started a family together, living together and are a partnership. If this is your life partner, the one for you..... Get married. Solidify your relationship legally.

Because I don’t want to be married. My nearly 40 year relationship is pretty solid!

And why is that? "Because I just do!"

DP and I aren’t married. We’ve been together for 22 years.

I know far fewer married couples than unmarried ones and that includes families with kids.

It’s pretty much only on Mumsnet that I see so many people being so very pro-marriage.

My main question to you would be “What’s any of this got to do with you?”

I’m pretty sure @CurlewKate, a grown woman, knows better than you do what works for her.

If you have wills in place and have things set up appropriately, there is really nothing complicated about dying unmarried unless you are very wealthy and have a complex estate.

Thing is you don’t need to be “very wealthy” especially if you have a house in the south east to exceed the iht thresholds which have been frozen for years and are likely to remain frozen.

It’s later on in life when it becomes a potential problem, eg inheriting from parents, all of a sudden you are way over the IHT threshold. It never occurred to us until we were in our 60s and the previous generation were dropping like flies, that’s when we did a CP.

Well, yes. Presumably you want to be married “because you just do”?