I did well in many respects in a strict girls’ boarding school in the 70s. It was a bit like being in the army. You just followed orders as they came in. Prep time was silent, long and unskippable. The headmistress was slightly demented and had a heavy walking stick which we were never really sure she wouldn’t use. In some ways it was awful for me, but it gave me cast iron understanding of expectations (and how hard they were to meet). So while the process at the time was painful, sad and full of self loathing, I had the skill set to survive when a life curve ball turned me into a homeless, unemployed and deeply depressed teenager.
My brother (also with ADHD) would have shrivelled and died in a place like that. He could barely cope with the confines of a fairly lax state school. And he had me and my skill set to look after him when the same life curve ball knocked him for six too. Whereas I had his very “live in the moment” mindset to keep me sane during the Bitter Years.
My sister on the other hand needed a much more gentle approach and protection from bullying. She flourished in a PRU after school refusing (caused by the same Life Curveball). On paper it looked like the worst of all worlds. But she ended up with loads of one on one attention. I think the teachers there must have been delighted to have somebody so biddable (as long as you didn’t try to make her go to school) teachable and desperate to learn, and she went on to get a hard science PHD.
We are very different people despite our diagnosis in common. So I can’t really come up with an ADHD friendly school idea because what worked better for one of us, was horrendous for the other two. I spiralled downwards in the same state school my brother attended after I left boarding school. It was so noisy, chaotic and not at all “army-like”. I was hyper vigilant all the time cos my senses were overwhelmed, and most of the teachers didn’t have the sort of expectations I could stress myself into trying to get close to. So I stopped bothering.
And that’s before you factor in my Uncle, his daughter my cousin and both her kids, who are also very different people despite, or maybe because of, the ADHD we have in common.
I didn’t even realise my son had ADHD when he was little. His is much less obvious than mine. I homeschooled him in desperation because he was miserable in our local school. However I outsourced the actual teaching to an online school. While it has done lots for him in many ways, I still wonder if the lack of rough and tumble in a school setting delayed his ability to feel confident with his peers in all settings, rather than just organised sports and clubs.
If you ever find the right formula give me a shout. My maternal line is still chugging out a fresh supply of +ADHD members at a steady rate. We seem to have fewer without it than with it.