I hate the lifestyle that comes with having teens

[Secondtonaan]

I have 2 DC, 12 and 14 and an totally run down and fed up.

When they were younger I worked part time, we had lovely times together in the park or reading, they went to bed at 7.30 and DH and I would have a glass of wine and watch a film or make nice food and chat. I always knew where they were or who they were with

Now I have to work FT because of CoL but also to pay for school ski trips and £70 hoodies. They hove around until at least 1030 (often having a crisis at 1029) by which time I'm collapsing in bed, their rooms are full of shit and crockery I have to sort out while washing their favourite Zara tee shirt. Weekends are spent driving them from party to sports events to friends houses. I am totally exhausted and do nothing except work and be a teen concierge.

The kids themselves are mostly wonderful, doing well at an excellent local school, nice friends. Usual ups and downs but we're very close. I just can't stand the lifestyle and don't get a minute to myself.

Not strong enough for AIBU but do you relate?

Send them to their rooms at 8-9pm

They are 12 and 14yo. 10.30 is a normal bedtime for kids this age. You want to banish them from communal living at 8-9 so they can sit in their rooms on their phones for a few hours😳.

It’s all normal OP. You get the busy hump when they are little, then a nice period of calm when they are old enough to be self-sufficient in many ways and don’t yet really have their own social lives, then it’s back to the toddler busy hump but in a different way. Just as the toddler years pass, so does this, they will be driving in no time, and then you won’t see them.

Everything described here is standard teen stuff. You may think you’re posting supportively to a teen but it comes across as being deliberately unkind and unpleasant. The poster says her teen is ‘lovely.’ I’ll assume that’s down to her good parenting skills. Babies needs are simple, teens are not.

They hove around until at least 1030 (often having a crisis at 1029

Ahh I remember those days. Exhausting!

The OP writes that she would happily snuggle up with her baby but cant because her teen is being so demanding, without wondering whether her wanting to "snuggle up" is making it worse for her teen.

She says that the teen is now being more physically demanding, needing touch and cuddles etc. Could that be because the baby is taking all of mums physical attention I wonder?

Maybe she does but it doesn’t stop me from finding a show we can watch in common and snuggling with her and leaving the baby with dad. Or going out and having family days where she is at the centre. We also do a lot of cooking and baking together. She hasn’t been abandoned - but yes, she is aware that she now has a baby brother that takes up all of our attention and we openly talk about this and even joke about it.

The thing with teens is that they also choose to spend less time with the parents - whilst I have a very clingy baby right now and you obviously cannot leave them alone the same way a teen can be left in their room. She opts out of family time sometimes to go and chat or hang out with a friend. And she actually has a very busy schedule - which I become the chauffeur for.

When I say emotionally needy I mean things like being a listening ear when she has drama from friendship groups - listening to her day means so much more to her than it did when she was in primary school - and I enjoy listening and we’ve always had deep chats - she’s a smart girl. Whereas the baby just cries, you feed, change or cuddle and that’s it - they are off entertaining themselves with a toy or box or something - so I do feel like I use more emotional energy with my teen - because you are more of a therapist. Whereas the baby is physically exhausting.

I spend a lot of time with both of them, but I do find teens a lot more exhausting than a
I would have predicted - I assumed teens needed you less - it’s my opinion and reality right now.

I am surprised by how much my teens need me, and most teens I know are the same (the ones that don’t are usually self harming or other coping strategies) They need a hell of a lot of guidance, talking things through, support and in my case affection. Small children and babies are a doddle comparatively. I love my teens but it can be mentally draining.

That's a late bedtime for 12 and 14 year olds. My 16 year old is in bed with lights off at 10pm.

Those are very long days for all of you!

How often do you drive them to see friends?

Ah OP enjoy them while you can, they’ll be moving on to their next stage of life all too soon. Sounds like they’re good company and like being with you, cherish that. And you can go out now without needing a babysitter.

You do need some rules about them helping round the house more, they definitely need to bring pots down from their rooms.

Surely being a young carer is not something that is really celebrated and this is why Children In Need etc. recognise the situation as challenging and the children qualify for charitable help? I wouldn't want my teens to do separate laundry as I do lights, darks etc. And there isn't the capacity for everyone to live like a house share in our house. DS coped when he was in Europe for 2 months this summer, as I did when I went to uni, my Mum or Dad (in his home as they were divorced) didn't teach me how to use a washing machine, they both just did it for me until I was living independently.

Equally, I was pretty messy in my uni hall room, I knew how to cook but regularly didn't, I preferred to go out and use the money for clothes than proper meals (sometimes) I only had raspberry conserve left one week and pretty much ate that for dinner with smarties, I had conserve spoons, unreturned glasses and laundry building up in my room but I don't think it is unusual to not care about this stuff, you have other priorities at 18,19. Even early to mid twenties I lived in a shared house with three men, one being my now DH and I think in part as it was a three storey home so the kitchen was at the bottom of the house and out of sight out of mind, the washing up regularly built up, I was the cleanest and would wash up my own stuff as I went along but one friend regularly ate cereal from saucepans or frying pans as they were the only clean items on the kitchen. He was doing a postgraduate chemistry degree and had no time for domesticity. All of us now in our forties are described as clean freaks by our teenagers or children. I just don't think it follows that all this stuff has to be taught in teen years at home or they are doomed to a lifetime of grubbiness!

Equally, I've just bought some £110 shoes for DS as he never asks for clothes and he needs them for his new job, no point on buying cheaper shoes. I honestly don't care, my Mum did the same for me and still does

If DD hadn't put a wash on yesterday, DHs rugby kit wouldn't be glittery right now.
But on the other hand... It profound have been the same outcome who ever put the wash on as we didn't expect DDs new bed socks to shed glitter like that.

The thing I find frustrating is how little energy I have.

I'm a single parent so I do All The Things, but I'm mid 40s and my energy is absolutely tanking. In the holidays I say goodnight at 9pm and I'm asleep but in term time I'm always nagging at them to at least get upstairs, at which point they want Deep Chats. I'm physically exhausted all the time.

But I love it way more than I ever thought I would love having teens. They are just so fun!

Neither do l.

We never made ours do much except cook.

They all live in pristine houses now.

I have an 11 year old and this thread is great for managing my expectations about the years to come.

Anyone any advice on getting teens to go to bed? DS has to be up at 6.30 for the school bus now, which is earlier than he was up for primary. So really he should go to bed earlier, but that seems difficult to achieve for tweens/ teens.

I think this is more commonplace in the real world than on MN. All our friends now early to mid forties were the same, I mean lots of those friends visited the house share I described above after a night out to continue the night and there was endless bottle everywhere and filled ashtrays, takeaway boxes etc. We all have houses that are clean and nothing like those days!

Were not 'was'.

Where do you live and what ages are your kids?
I find this comment so so bizarre.
My teen has just had lots of 16th birthday parties to go to. Most finish 11-12pm and all have been in houses. Most houses are nowhere near a bus stop, lots are on a country lane. Even those nearer main roads firstly the busses have stopped running and secondly even if they were running no way would I want my 16 year old daughter walking around at 11:30pm getting a bus- probably alone.
And yes, I want her to go to parties, being 16 only comes around once- it’s a fabulous time of coming of age, so many crazy and fond memories I have of myself at 16. It comes and goes in a flash- before you know it you are middle aged, creaky, less attractive and cynical. But walking alone at night is a no.
Some people on here have some really weird ideas.

I don't relate, sorry. I won't explain why not because it doesn't matter.

Yours will fly the coop soon enough.
I do strongly recommend being around one's teens a lot so they end up talking to you.

I remember the delight when dd passed her driving test and my weekends no longer revolved around driving her to work and to see friends.

I agree, my youngest is mid teens, started going to parties, one for Halloween coming up but despite living in a city, there is no way I would want her walking home or getting the bus at 11 at night. DH will be collecting her and a friend tonight from a party. My eldest is 18 and does pretty much only use public transport or walk as many pubs are walkable but I would definitely collect him in the car if he wants to be collected. The difference is him being an adult so he gets to decide really, plus he was with mates or girlfriend.

He rarely will take me up on a lift as he's very independent. The only one recently was the other night as it was torrential rain here and he only had a hoodie on. The lift was my idea as I don't want him getting soaked and ill!

DD is 18 now and just gone to uni. I miss her! It is another phase that feels like it lasts forever but when you look back it has gone in the blink of an eye.

You have to set yourself some boundaries and pick your battles to stay sane. It does get better and you end up with a different relationship with them.

I half agree and half disagree.
I have 3 young teems and a 7 year old so very little me time.
I do however love the dinnertime chatter about school gossip.
I love the late night one on one chats with them and I taxi them everywhere but love the fact that they have a social life and would rather pick them up so I know they're home safely.
Any expensive clothing or trainers they can have at birthdays and Xmas.
It's just another stage but it is hard.
I'm run ragged but not too soon they'll be leaving home to lead their own lives