I hate the lifestyle that comes with having teens

[Secondtonaan]

I have 2 DC, 12 and 14 and an totally run down and fed up.

When they were younger I worked part time, we had lovely times together in the park or reading, they went to bed at 7.30 and DH and I would have a glass of wine and watch a film or make nice food and chat. I always knew where they were or who they were with

Now I have to work FT because of CoL but also to pay for school ski trips and £70 hoodies. They hove around until at least 1030 (often having a crisis at 1029) by which time I'm collapsing in bed, their rooms are full of shit and crockery I have to sort out while washing their favourite Zara tee shirt. Weekends are spent driving them from party to sports events to friends houses. I am totally exhausted and do nothing except work and be a teen concierge.

The kids themselves are mostly wonderful, doing well at an excellent local school, nice friends. Usual ups and downs but we're very close. I just can't stand the lifestyle and don't get a minute to myself.

Not strong enough for AIBU but do you relate?

I don’t relate either. No £70 hoodies, they get public transport and are not demanding. Young dc take a lot of energy but teens, not really.

We’re just hitting this stage now and I find the loss of adult time really hard. DS is fab - age 13 we say from 9pm he has to be in his room. Not asleep but he does have to be ready for bed with teeth brushed. Then he can chill or relax. DD age 11 is still a bit of a pain at getting ready for bed and still wants a tuck up and I hate doing that past 8pm.

love all these posters who clearly live in a city saying why can’t they walk or get the bus. We live on a farm and the kids play a lot or rugby which is seems to involve ferrying them round 3
counties on a Sunday. You can’t get anywhere from our village without a good 6 mile
drive and buses don’t exist!!

On the plus side they have worked a good few farm shifts this week and earnt their keep!

Yes, this. U

They can bring plates down. They save up for clothes, Mine are 14 16 I love yhis phase, single mum, they are independent and i get alot of mr time. You have a husband right? He can do lifts.
Boundaries!

Our child is thankfully, only interested in going out with us, as a family. Thankfully I don't drive. Thankfully, she does not make any mess and food, tv or internet are not allowed in her bedroom

I do miss doing stuff as a family, as 17yo is always busy with commitments and social life and has to be 'booked' weeks in advance

So true @Echobelly. DD (20) only came home briefly over the summer, for example, as she was working in her university town. I had to “book” a long weekend to visit her as she was busy with her friends most of the time. 😂

It can be hard work and relentless at times.

But it’s not like this forever.

Dad’s taxis starts doing night work, then it’s Dad’s Removal services, Dad’s car repairs - but I’m happy to do this and proud of our trio.

Lifts are very much dependent on where you live and when it is. But they are absolutely old enough to bring crockery down from bedrooms and be doing their own/talking a turn at family washing.

Not only that, they need to, or they'll be the annoying housemate at university/shared house. They are members of the household and they need to contribute. That way you'll keep supplying the hoodies.

mine are a very similar age. I lost my evenings since having babies (for various reasons) so I’ve learnt to accept that. In general I find this age easier overall. I can bargain with them more. Plus taking plates down I find in their rooms or buying an expensive hoodie they NEED is easier for me than the constant chaos and sleep deprivation of early years. I do miss the sloppy kisses and cuddles though. And being the centre of their world.

My kids are 9 & 5 and this is my life now! My 9 year old is up watching “traitors” (he’s off school tomorrow) we have sports/clubs 7 days a week between them. We run our business which means our kids think we are flexible around there social life. My and my husband both have season tickets for premier league football teams (different ones) the kids now come with us, managed to get one kid supporting each club so don’t even get to do that by ourselves! I just think once you have kids your life revolves around them. Even in my 40’s I rely on my mum for help!!

Will add no plates in their rooms and tidy

I understand the need to drive them around - we live rurally and there is no public transport.
It’s your (and your partner’s) choice to buy them expensive hoodies or school trips.
It’s also down to you (and your partner) if you haven’t brought them up to clean their own rooms or help with household chores.

I've taught teenagers my whole adult life. I struggled the most when my own were young children. I don't like being needed, told what to do or hemmed in. I felt v trapped by small children+ full time work.
Teenagers are a doddle... if you don't have to teach them.

Mine are v well trained, with pretty crap social lives so all we do is run then round to hobbies in the week. We get to have a proper social life now they're older. They also tend to do their own thing, so we have time together if we want. Ds likes to watch films with us, but I quite like that. I find it funny when he tries to educate me, because I remember trying to educate my parents.

I see your 22:29 crisis and I raise you the following morning’s 06:30 crisis with their sibling, when something is needed for home ec or the only pair of jeans (out of ten pairs) that they could possibly wear on non uniform day is in the wash (how could you mum!)

But mostly I’m loving this phase of life. I can do things with one that the other hates, and the other will just stay home happily. Dh and I often go out for a walk or run in the evening by ourselves, and out for dinner by ourselves.

They’re so much more competent now, and can mostly manage their schedules, projects, and their sense of direction is better than mine. I got a side wall puncture yesterday and ds just got on with it, figured out where the car manufacturer had hidden the jack and had the nuts off so easily. It was so lovely not to be trying to jolly anyone through the crisis.

I love the mad conversations, and the swing from oh so grown up, to just wanting mum hugs sometimes. I love when they share their music and their shows. We haven’t got to boyfriends/girlfriends yet so I’m really soaking up this last little while that we’re still just our own little nuclear family.

This definitely isn’t my experience and mine is that age.

There are no school ski trips or £70 hoodies in this house. We are very financially comfortable and it means neither Dh nor I need to work FT anymore. But our kids aren’t spoiled. They do go on school trips and we travel as a family abroad, but we wouldn’t be doing any of it at the cost of anyone’s mental health and wellbeing.

Yes, rooms are an absolute tip, but they can’t have friends over if they’re like that so they do get tidied. There is no eating in bedrooms. There are no 10:29 emergencies because I’m long since in bed by then. 😂 They know it will have to wait til the morning.

We live rurally and we do drive them around to activities and sports training, but that’s more weekday evenings. Weekends are definitely not filled with playing taxi. We go out and do family things or we chill at home. I’m not opposed to driving anyone anywhere, but it has to be reasonable and it doesn’t take up the whole weekend. Dh and I are probably just as inclined to spend part of the weekend doing our own sports or hobbies, so we have a good balance.

I've given up caring too deeply about her room. I venture in maybe twice a week to check for bowls and obvious laundry or to empty the bin. I do no more than this after a rant that included accusing me of "moving things on purpose so that I can't find anything ever again". Yes, sometimes it means she doesn't have the top she wants or can't find socks because she's hoarding them like a personal Dobby rescue facility down one side of her bed, but on the whole my blood pressure is much better.

Give them more responsibility and take an active step back is my advice.

We stayed living in London rather than fleeing to the suburbs when we first had kids. The dcs have been getting themselves around since secondary age and if anything it's easier now as we always had busy trips out at primary age, exploring all over town and doing tons of extracurriculars, rather than sticking to the same old nearest park, so we're doing less ferrying around. DCs have always had later bedtimes (9pm at primary age) so we were used to having them around and enjoying their company in the evenings. We still enjoy the odd evenings having film nights and board games with them, just as we did in the primary years, we have never sent them upstairs before they were ready to sleep. We've never allowed food in bedrooms and that's never been an issue. I give them a clothes allowance and they hunt out their own Vinted deals.

Oh I have a 16 yo thats the opposite.
Never had a 10.29 crisis. He's in bed with lights out by 10pm. Occasionally takes a cup into his room but brings it straight back out again when its done. Is always hoovering and cleaning his room. Would never wear a £70 hoodie as thinks its a waste of money. The only lifts he has is the occasional Saturday into the city if the bus times don't work (we're rural so rare buses).
Funny how they're all so different.

but also to pay for school ski trips and £70 hoodies

No, you don't have to pay for these.

You could do what a friend of mine did when her teenage daughters wanted expensive trainers. She gave them what she felt was a sensible amunt for them and told them if they wanted expensive ones to make up the rest of the cost themselves from their own money.

You just get used to it - the extra meal at 10pm,the shower at 1am, the 'early' morning at 12pm... the teen years aren't always awful, it's just another phase of your parenting life. Not all teens are difficult! 😍

For me the bit in between toddler and teen was far more draining and exhausting. About years 2 - 5 are really tricky. I've never had early sleepers so there's no change there as they grow up.

I have teens too. I'd only give a lift at weekends if I was free. But wouldn't be a taxi on demand. They can walk or catch a bus to see their mates. Also never had to collect mugs/plates from their rooms?! They eat and drink downstairs. Make that a rule.

How do you manage 6:30 on a school day (or any day for that matter) with teens? 😱 Most days I'm standing at the bottom of the stairs shouting like a harpy at 8.

I am laughing at telling my kids to walk or catch a bus to see their friends! It’s not an option rurally. Only 3 years until eldest can drive though…

Nearest bus to our house is 3 miles and doesn’t really go where they would want to go,

I loved my teens, they were great company and usually grateful for what we did for them. But I don't miss the mess, the crockery hoarding or the staying up til late to go and pick them up from places when all I wanted to do was go to bed!! They've all flown the nest now & I miss their company - luckily they are nearby and do drop in quite often and raid my fridge for our leftovers! 😂