I hate the lifestyle that comes with having teens

[Secondtonaan]

I have 2 DC, 12 and 14 and an totally run down and fed up.

When they were younger I worked part time, we had lovely times together in the park or reading, they went to bed at 7.30 and DH and I would have a glass of wine and watch a film or make nice food and chat. I always knew where they were or who they were with

Now I have to work FT because of CoL but also to pay for school ski trips and £70 hoodies. They hove around until at least 1030 (often having a crisis at 1029) by which time I'm collapsing in bed, their rooms are full of shit and crockery I have to sort out while washing their favourite Zara tee shirt. Weekends are spent driving them from party to sports events to friends houses. I am totally exhausted and do nothing except work and be a teen concierge.

The kids themselves are mostly wonderful, doing well at an excellent local school, nice friends. Usual ups and downs but we're very close. I just can't stand the lifestyle and don't get a minute to myself.

Not strong enough for AIBU but do you relate?

I had teens and toddlers at the same time, it felt like somebody was always awake.

Why on earth are you doing all that stuff for them??

Erm... im not sure either... I think shes their mum and they are her children. I mean I dont know for sure 😕

How old is she? We didn't allow TV or internet in rooms when they were younger teens but once they get to 15 or 16, then really can you REALLY enforce such rigid rules? Especially when DH and I go on our own phones in bed for a little while? We did advise that if they were going to go on their phones in bed not to get into bad habits and it might be best if they kept them on charge downstairs instead overnight so they weren't tempted to go on them and be too tired for school next day. They did listen a bit and weren't too bad really.

There just comes an age when it would just be wierd to try to enforce particular things because they do start having to learn to make their own boundaries and sometimes along with that comes learning from their mistakes too.

Oh, and as younger teens mine only wanted to go out with us really. They were happy enough seeing mates at school or at occasional birthday get togethers or games of football in the park. As older teens their mates definitely become more important to them and parents take a back seat. It's a natural progression but it's slightly sad when you realise they see you as just boring "background" in their life, till they need help with something, or money!

Can’t they get the bus to their friends?
Close their bedroom door and don’t worrry about the mess inside.

£70 for a hoodie - bloody hell

Best to listen to this thread!!

Time to get them doing their share of chores, OP. Laundry, dishes, making dinner, all of it. Send them off to uni able to do all that stuff in their sleep - you'll be doing them a giant favour.

I remember that time but very soon you find you'll give up and they'll be old enough for you to go to bed before them. That's when it's easier because they're responsible for themselves more. You're just not quite there yet. You will get through this and find it easier.... until they start driving or going out to pubs ... 😕 I'm probably not helping.

you’ve reminded me how I kind of hated losing my evenings with dh… but now mine are 17 and 2x14 and it’s become our normal and doesn’t frustrate me anymore, but the initial loss was a strange adjustment.

I quite like this age but the mum/dad taxi is in full force with 3 teens. I got home with dd2&3 at 10pm and dh is going to collect dd1 at 11.30pm. Next month I’m hoping dd1 will pass her test and can help take the pressure off a bit.

The one thing that helps me is that dh takes the load so we are sharing. He does all clothes washing. We also have a cleaner. I also realise than in 4 years my twins will be 18 (dd1 will be 21) and 4 years will fly so it’s just a phase. I do plan quiet weekends off doing nothing in too. Vital for my sanity.

I enjoyed the teen years even though saying that will often result in a label of 'smugness' Anyone who doesn't find it soul crushing seems to be written off as 'smug' 🙄

I can definitely relate to the taxiing which was definitely tiring and never ending. They sometimes did/do public transport when they could in daylight hours but I always picked them up at night even when they insisted they'd be 'fine'. I still do for my last teen who is almost out of her teens.

Due to a childhood with NO privacy, our rooms are our own spaces and I generally didn't enter unless invited to. I don't stress over any mess because I generally don't see it day to day.
I did not chase washing. If it was in the laundry, I was happy to wash with my own stuff but, generally, they did their own washing.
I'd do a call for dishes and if there weren't any brought out, they could wash them themselves. When needed, I'd call a 'dishes amnesty', leave the kitchen and the dishwasher would suddenly fill up.
Teens worked after school/weekend jobs as soon as they could to have the 'extras' they wanted. I was happy to buy the things they wanted for birthdays/Christmas but wanting something didn't mean always getting something at other times.

I was a single parent when they hit their teens and I 'get' the tiredness and never ending ness of it all but I also made sure I did things for me. Didn't have to be much but carving time here and there IS important. And it is important that your children support that and not just expect you to 'do'
We always worked as a team and that did not stop once they became teenagers. Everyone contributed in some way and even though I shouldered all of the responsibility as the parent, I did not assume the drudgery of all of the day to day 'stuff'. I know it's tiring, I also worked full time, but let go of what you can and get them more involved. That way, hopefully, you can find that time where you are not too tired and stressed to enjoy something that is just for you. Or with just you and your DH.

How old is your dc?

The teen years are tough but I definitely wasn’t a slave to dd, you don’t have to do all these things if you resent it.

Also bear in mind that very soon they will be off to uni, my dd is 19yo and I miss the teen angst and running around now.

If you don’t start it you don’t have it to stop. Not a 70.00 hoodie has passed our threshold. Weekend jobs from 14. Nice friends we car pooled with for three after school clubs/classes a week and I enjoyed walks, solo shopping, reading while they were there if it was my turn to drive. Stuff which helped A levels and UCAS points. Bus passes for weekends. Doors closed on crappy bedrooms. If it got tough I would smile and mutter the mantra they would be ok when they were 21. They are.

Can't really relate as mine have never really gone to bed at 7.30pm, when they did they'd be up in the night.

8 year old 9pm (at best), 11 year old 10.30pm (at best), they just don't seem to need much sleep.

School ski trips aren't essential, but I often feel like I'd pay anything to get a break. So you're not alone there x

No, don't relate at all. Have a 13 year old.

I don't drive by choice; use ubers, public transport and my legs. So does DD+bike. My parents never drove me anywhere (both drive). Want to go to your mates? Get there and back yourself. And no, I didn't feel hard done by at all.

She always went to bed 10pm (non Brits), now around 11-ish. I sleep 2-ish am. None of that bothers me.

70 hoodies - fine with me. I buy more expensive stuff than that for myself, so no problem to do that for DD. But I do not buy these things all the time, in massive quantities, or just on a whim (ok, very rarely on a whim). Only when actually needed and as presents.

She's allowed to eat in her room, no probs with that. But she's been taught to take her dishes to the kitchen since she was about 4-5. And she does it. Ditto tidying the room. My parents never let me live in a pigsty, stuff strewn about will end up in the bin. So it wasn't strewn about. Once your clothes end up in the bin - you wouldn't want that happening again. Same with my DD. No mess in the house. She chose her own decor, furniture, all kinds of nick nacks, posters, etc, she loves her stuff. And doesn't want to live like a pig.

She was taught to help in the house, doing (age-appropriate) chores since she was a toddler. Now she can cook (adequately), clean, tidy no problem. I was raised the same way. You don't get to doss around, just because you're a kid.

Normal if the kids 13yo, very weird if she’s 19yo!!

Tbh even at 13 this sounds incredibly insular…

This articulates exactly how I feel, OP. I feel trapped in my house in between facilitating their sport & social lives. The late nights are excruciatingly difficult, whilst simultaneously trying to keep them off screens. It’s hours and hours of full on extra parenting. Mine don’t sleep in either.

I love them so much and really enjoy their company, but it’s definitely a lot harder than I’d anticipated.

Mine are 11 and 13 and not quite at this stage, though we do ferry them to activities a few evenings. We live in a city so they can get to some places themselves and this will improve. I like them being around in the evenings but they are in their bedrooms by 9 in the week.

It's the worry for me. 13yo has ASD, no friends, feel so helpless compared to when she was young and could organise play dates for her. School holidays, she's too old for clubs and just sits around all the time while we are working. She also struggles at school so we have to support her with homework. I'd love it if she was doing well at school and out and about with friends. So much harder parenting this age.

At the end of the day though you've said the children are mostly wonderful and doing well at school, so you're obviously doing a great job! As they say 'this too shall pass'.

Same, my autistic child has been staying up till 9-9.30ish since he was about six. And then he’s up and bouncing about at about 6.30am too, which I bet most teenagers are not.

hard agree. Also can’t go away with DH for a short break as too old to have grandparents ‘babysit’ them & too young for us to feel comfortable leaving them.. 😬

When our two were small someone once said that your start off where they eat, crap and sleep so your time's mostly your own, they then start to stay up a bit longer, as older teens they are up until you go to bed and then finally you're in bed before they come home!

Agreed! I’d love to get my autistic 6 year old to her before 9.30pm. He’s often up later than my teens. Then 3 nights a week on average he wakes up at 1am and doesn’t go back to sleep until 5am. sometimes he doesn’t go back to sleep at all and we’re up for the day from 1am.
Fun times!

Can you make your own plans sometimes? Days out every so often? I have one DC 16 and the washing is the worst of it. He does quite a bit of cooking and I cut corners. In a city so no ferrying. I’ve always made my own plans

Eek to the £70 hoodie. Thank goodness we haven't had to deal with that! Crockery...we also made it clear unacceptable so they brought/ bring that down. Ferrying around. Well we chose to live in arse end of nowhere so not their fault. Late night chats..I agree but I just embrace it as one day they won't . It's the showers at midnight and 'cooking' at 1am that can get on my nerves!