I hate the lifestyle that comes with having teens

[Secondtonaan]

I have 2 DC, 12 and 14 and an totally run down and fed up.

When they were younger I worked part time, we had lovely times together in the park or reading, they went to bed at 7.30 and DH and I would have a glass of wine and watch a film or make nice food and chat. I always knew where they were or who they were with

Now I have to work FT because of CoL but also to pay for school ski trips and £70 hoodies. They hove around until at least 1030 (often having a crisis at 1029) by which time I'm collapsing in bed, their rooms are full of shit and crockery I have to sort out while washing their favourite Zara tee shirt. Weekends are spent driving them from party to sports events to friends houses. I am totally exhausted and do nothing except work and be a teen concierge.

The kids themselves are mostly wonderful, doing well at an excellent local school, nice friends. Usual ups and downs but we're very close. I just can't stand the lifestyle and don't get a minute to myself.

Not strong enough for AIBU but do you relate?

All I can say is that the teen years have left me feeling as though I’ve been swept up in a tornado and thrown back down to earth as a shadow of my former self.

OP, I’m not sure what boundaries you’d put in to them being around in their home - how lovely that they are around. As for the 10:29 crises - typical! But how lovely they come to you for support. Crockery etc - deep breath. Washing - I never did my own washing at home and I don’t know how anyone manages with multiple people doing their own wash. The ferrying round…now that’s tough but the next step is lying awake waiting and that’s a whole new world of pain! The cost though…

You sound lovely, it sound a lovely and welcoming home - and perfectly normal. It is a new level of manic and I think a bolt out of the blue.

My parents never drove me anywhere (both drive). Want to go to your mates? Get there and back yourself. And no, I didn't feel hard done by at all.

Same here. It was only my dad who drove, and he did a lot of driving during the week as his job took him all over London, so he quite reasonably didn't want to spend his weekends ferrying us around. The message was, if you want to go somewhere, you make your own arrangements to get there and back, or you don't go. I enjoyed the independence and being able to make plans without needing to refer to anyone else.

For a start, I wouldn’t be ‘specially’ washing their favourite T shirt. At those ages, they can wash it themselves, and no, that doesn’t mean putting the washing machine and drier on for one item.

You've just made me remember those years, two of my children were 'harder' than the third,😅 it can be hectic but it passes and the next stage can be equally challenging, boyfriends and girlfriends, Enjoy !

Parenting never stops if you are a good responsive parent, try to delegate as much as possible, only do what's neccesary and don't fret the small stuff and don't think everything has to be perfect. Things can change on the turn of a coin, after parenting getting my children to adulthood I now find I'm caring for a severly ill adult child who has a very poor prognosis.

How I wish I could turn back time to have more of them.
I'm day dreaming.

It's just part of life, it will pass.

Is there nolt a room in the house where you can just go and read or sit or whatever.

I get the crockery in bedroom annoyance, used to have that. I remember finding a bowl of soup with a stick of bread stuck in it, growing mould. Another time a mouldy, half eaten apple on a plate. I said, "That apple was just sitting there on the floor!", and was asked, "Do apples sit?".

Life goes on. I must say I think teenagers are fun.

At 12 and 14 they can do their own laundry!

job off your list but also helping them get set up for adulthood.

honestly best thing ever is my teen doing own laundry. But that’s because he’s a he and well, there’s things I don’t need to know so he can wash that himself.

i fully get this. my DS is 13, but im actually enjoying this stage a little bit, hes actually capable of chilling and watching tv or playing card games with us.

we have a rule of not pots upstairs. things still creep up there but if it doesnt get brought down it isnt being cleaned. if it goes manky, he can clean it.

if the washing isnt brought down and put in front of the machine, im not doing it. dont complain when youre out of clothes.

if you go out without a lift then you make your own way home.

go up to your bedroom before 10. i dont care if you dont go straight to sleep, but man give me some peace 😂

the 70 quid hoodie thing i completely get! when did stuff get so expensive.
2 t shirts, some socks and a pair of trainers for christmas have cost me 200 so far!

Yep. I have 3 teens. All left school now 1 is 17 2 are 16. They have jobs after college. My youngest is a gymnast. I get home 8.30 from gym, feed my child, put her to bed, then one comes home 9.30 after work. I feed her, then another comes home at 10. By the time I’m done and they are all in bed I’m exhausted. No time alone with my husband and buckling under the strain!

I sympathise with you as you clearly find it difficult but I have to admit, my experience js very different. I think part of it is that my children are quite independent and I am quite happy to go read a book in our bedroom or watch tv on my iPad while they are doing other things. For me, it was a few years earlier I found harder - when their needs were still v high in terms of supervision, involvement etc. Tomorrow i am taking dd out for the day but when we get home I will.have no problem just chilling out. Worst case, dh might need to take ds to a party.

Can you start carving out specific time? Saturday afternoons or Sunday lie ins?

I hear you, OP. It can be exhausting. All the fetching and carrying in the middle of the night to get them from parties (live rurally) and the mess.

Agree with you about the washing. Sod's law they would put 3 things in just when you had a big wash planned.

Wait until the first one goes off to university. You'll be distraught and pick the others' clothes up almost lovingly for the next couple of weeks 😂.

Oh love - hate to break it to you but it carries on!

DD 1 - 23 in her first adult post uni job - working a month in hand so owes me £200 for train fare, comes in at 6:30-7, hogs the bathroom, then the kitchen, then wants to TALK at 9pm when I’ve finally sat down

DD3 16, moans constantly about DD1 eating all the snacks, wants £15 a week bus money for college but also lifts everywhere, evenings are basically tag teaming between both of their life dramas

then just as I fall into bed DD2 will message something vague but mildly worrying from 200 miles away at uni - not responding until the next morning with ‘nah just joking’ 🙄

55 single parent working FT with fecking menopause

parenting is relentless but I love em!

“I laughed reading this as it’s literally as if id written this myself. So relatable. ❤️
And so many smug replies about the £70 hoodie. It’s very difficult if your child / teen is surrounded by friends who have these things. And many of them do.”

Yup, completely agree. No good other saintly mums ticking us off for buying expensive hoodies for our children, nor removing endless trails of empty crisp packets & half drink mugs of tea - this is the culture we have inherited. This is especially the case when they’re studying for their final exams - for instance IB to get into something like Medicine - the amount of studying they have to undertake is off the charts. So yes, I do feel like I “service” my late teen children. At some point they’ll leave home and really appreciate their Mum, and I’ll miss them so.
I’ll be encouraging my girls to have babies at a much younger age than myself - so that they can run around after their kids with loads of energy - at an age when I was wasting it dancing the night away high at clubs & festivals. Hopefully by then materialism will have passed its peak; the population at large will be living less frivolous, consumer based lives and they won’t be frittering away money on great big heavy hoodies that take forever to dry.

Oh yes I hear you on the evenings..! It's a big change. Why does no one mention this ! And the £70 hoodies ! And the sports gear and the school trips..its so different to a trip to soft play and a happy meal!
It is good that they come and tell you stuff though...Some evenings I will just say I'm gojng to bed at 9 if you need anything come before then (3 teens).
I dont let them eat stuff upstairs much and encourage to do their own laundry and they have got pretty good at it....I dont organise anything for school for them unless they ask specifically for help.
The ferrying is totally normal..some people on here think we all live near public transport but we certainly dont. It's all just a phase (but some of this should be in the small print !!)

My 2 are 12 and 15 and it's full on

DD,12 still likes to be put to bed so that is a long drawn out affair. I try to enjoy it but its wearing

Ds.15 is constantly eating and hoovering up the contents of the fridge.

I think DH and I find the lack of an evening to ourselves the hardest thing but we've adjusted.

Reflecting back childhood is so short and mine probably are a bit indulged but it's not forever.

Your tween / teen doesn’t sound spoiled at all.

They are clearly loved and you are doing all you can to give them what they both want and need.

But if you are feeling exhausted from this then you probably do need to look at your week and try and get some time in for yourself.

My soon to be 12 year old also still likes to be put to bed. I thought we were the only ones!!

Every day I day she will be in bed by 9 but every night it’s significantly later than that!

a} have you ever let her find out that she actually has other choices than what you have decided she wants and is allowed to do?

b) bullshit. ETA.....AI.

c) if your response to the above are "no, and no it isnt!" then buckle up, the next few years are going to be fucking epic!!

I have two sons . Their teenage years were not bad . My sisters have girls and they did struggle with the back chat and had a lot of hassle thrown their way . My youngest was very chilled, he chatted to his friends online , would come and watch films with his brother and dad , also we had days that we watched our programmes too . My eldest had weekend work with my brother in-law from 16 so he was occupied a lot . I did ferry him to his friends but I didn’t mind as he did work at the weekends and needed down time. There was a no rule eating upstairs , they ate with us . The big expense really for them was aftershave as they loved to smell nice 😂. They are both in their 20s now and we still have a close relationship . I do spoil them with love and do stuff for them but that is my Italian way, as my mum did for us .

I won’t have teens do their own washing, it’s a family job, but I’ll have them rinse and put to soak the sports gear, and hang out, bring in and fold washing.
mine aren’t teens yet, but do a lot of sport. I’m making plans to take a decent book to one training and not just watch them the whole time, or for another one I can get a few things done. Most other trainings have parents I should chat to, and we watch the games, but I’ve gotten better at ducking off and not making it a total time waste.

They should be pretty self-sufficient.

As teenagers me and my siblings did our own laundry, tidied our clothes etc and made dinner. My mum was essentially our project manager.

Have you ever discussed finances with your teens? If they knew how much money came into the house and how much the expenditure is, not only would they learn how to budget, but they would also know how many hours you both have to work to buy the things they want (not always what they need).

Teenagers are better at understanding when everything is an open book to them.

Talking of books, if they read them, or comics, do you try to find time to skim through them yourself so you know how their minds are working at any time? You would be surprised how helpful that can be to understanding.

Why can’t they get the bus? They will have to presumably at uni/ work, so why not let them start now? You can monitor them if you want.

I have a baby and a teen right now and I am finding the teen far more exhausting and needy! I feel happy snuggling with baby on the sofa even though we are going through another sleep regression phrase, and my teen - whilst she is lovely and great company, is emotionally, financially and sometimes physically needy. Too cool to admit that she "needs" me, but always needs me.

I didn't expect this rollercoster, but trying to make the most of it. The baby brings out a more playful side to the teen.

Perhaps the fact that you would be happy just snuggling with the baby than dealing with your teen's issues is why she is being so needy, on top of her normal teen stuff.

She feels replaced. Unimportant compared to the baby, especially if she has had you to herself for 12 years minimum. She loves her baby sibling but she thinks (and it was said in your own words) that you prefer the baby to her. She is feeling surplanted. You love them the same, but who would you rather spend your time with?

She knows.