I hate the lifestyle that comes with having teens

[Secondtonaan]

I have 2 DC, 12 and 14 and an totally run down and fed up.

When they were younger I worked part time, we had lovely times together in the park or reading, they went to bed at 7.30 and DH and I would have a glass of wine and watch a film or make nice food and chat. I always knew where they were or who they were with

Now I have to work FT because of CoL but also to pay for school ski trips and £70 hoodies. They hove around until at least 1030 (often having a crisis at 1029) by which time I'm collapsing in bed, their rooms are full of shit and crockery I have to sort out while washing their favourite Zara tee shirt. Weekends are spent driving them from party to sports events to friends houses. I am totally exhausted and do nothing except work and be a teen concierge.

The kids themselves are mostly wonderful, doing well at an excellent local school, nice friends. Usual ups and downs but we're very close. I just can't stand the lifestyle and don't get a minute to myself.

Not strong enough for AIBU but do you relate?

One of lifes ironies... we live 5mins walk from their school. The school covers our 5 village and several others... so we live no where near their clubs or their friends for lift shares.

But we knew that when we moved here and when they got into clubs miles away!
However its the later nights that have just sort of snuck up.

We are going to be working out if the bus is a realistic option for Explorers around Easter when DDw will start doing it in the light rather than on cold dark nights then walking to the Scout hut along an unlit road alone. (Scouts was OK, that was in our village!)

Oh yes. The taxi years. I don’t think me and my husband did anything at the weekend for about 5 years. My kids were generous with dad’s taxi too. So half the time when they were being picked up there’d be some extra kids that needed lifts. We were also the sleepover house. Fun times!

Why can't they do their own washing? They are capable of grabbing something else from the washing basket to shove in with their own stuff 😐 they don't always have to peg it out if they're not there when the cycle ends but if they are there they can do it.

Or you could continue to do it and continue to complain about it I suppose?

He's lovely and feels much the same as I do!! And he does more lifts as enjoys driving (I prefer drinking)!

He see does have a much bigger job then me though and I WFH a lot so get involved more on the day to day

I had a friend with much older children and when she was asked how her and her Dh get any time together she said there was a cut off time for the children to be in the lounge. I think it was 9pm. She said that space was then hers and her Dh's to watch whatever they wanted, chat together without the children being around.

She said they have the kitchen, dining room and their bedrooms they can be in. They can entertain themselves. We took that onboard for ourselves and our children. But my children have their own lounge so were happy to be off in there together gaming, chatting, whatever.

We have dinner altogether, watch some tv shows together then they go off and do their thing and we do ours on the nights they don't have anything on with their mates.

Laundry was a central location job, so all uniform in one basket except white shirts that went into whites, darks, and lights. Toddlers can put clothing into laundry baskets. That meant there was always a full load to be put on and tidy bedroom floors.

For me an untidy room just shows they have no respect or value what they have been bought. Is it different if they spend their own money on it? So that £70 hoodie is probably on the floor and they just walk over it. This is the first thing I would tackle. Sit them down and talk to them. They are not toddlers, they need to look after the things they have been bought.

Not having your evenings is exhausting. No time to recharge. Only in bed. I have a 4, 10 and 14 year old so really no time at all as the 4 year old still gets up early and the 14 year old does similar wandering to your two. find myself regularly screaming “just go to bloody bed”.Then I feel horrible after.

Send them to their rooms at 8-9pm? What, are they not part of the family then?

Teens can be a pain but personally I found the 12-16 stage often quite fun in terms of stuff to watch on the telly in the evening with them. I watched all of Stranger Things with mine, and stuff like that. When they were around 15, Breaking Bad was brilliant to watch the second time round with them seeing it for the first time.

I found the upper 6th form stage quite annoying. They think they know everything, their friends become far more interesting company than you ever could be, they're not interested in spending much time with you unless it involves taking them out for free food, dpending on personality they might see no need to think very deeply about their future plans till very lastl minute causing you anxiety, and tthen start going out till all hours and also giving you anxiety there.

They stay up later than you and keep you awake (light sleeper) then lie in at the weekend till noon moaning if you wake them up by hoovering or something. Quite good fun on adventurous family holidays though at that age.

No way would I buy mine 70 quid hoodies. I don't buy myself 70 quid hoodies so why should I buy them any? If they want stuff like that that they aren'tt'n going to look after they can get a job and buy it themselves, that's my philosphy.

I do recognise some of it but I have to say I loved it.
DD at Uni now and I miss the chaos, still have DS here for now though

Oh, I couldn't do that. Small child at one end of the day and teen at the other...

I'm loving my son being 14. I was dreading the teen years but actually 13 and 14 have been his best yet (I know it could still fall apart). He's matured. Far less aggressive. Has made two lovely friends who are a good influence and a pleasure to have in my house.

I don't drive so no taxi option. He cycles or gets the bus. I am a single parent on a slightly tight budget so he knows no £70 hoodies (though my parents sometimes treat him, and my ex spends money on his bike). I love being able to meet friends for a couple of hours not needing a babysitter. This phase is a dream compared to some earlier awful years.

I hear you too, I think its to help us separate from the little child they were a few years ago, if they stayed that cute you'd never let them go! They can be really lovely but also they don't really get that you are not just mum at that age and they still need and expect a lot of support. They probably are old enough to be doing more for themselves now and around the house so you give them a lift if they do x so you get some time to yourself.

All my SC were doing their own washing and changing their bedding by the time they were 14. They each had their own wash day.

I worked ft as did my husband and I didn’t have time to do all the things for them I had done when I was pt and the kids were younger.
I’m guessing you think you are being nice to your kids by doing all this but imho you are not doing them a kindness in the long run. Sometimes setting boundaries and sticking to them is the kindest thing you can do though it does take commitment on your part.

They also need to learn that you have value as a person and have needs too.
i suggest sitting down with them and explaining how you are feeling and asking them to suggest ways they can help. Set up some regular chores and ensure that there are consequences if they aren’t done - it doesn’t have to be too drastic.

Genuinely, why do people have kids if they don’t enjoy your company? “Hope they board so I get nights off” “send them to their room at 8pm”. It’s really sad.

I'm collapsing in bed, their rooms are full of shit and crockery I have to sort out while washing their favourite Zara tee shirt.

I mean stop fucking sorting this stuff for a 14 year old!

No crockery in bedrooms.
Tidy up or you and DH binbag the lot
Laundry rota - they do their share.

I'm presuming you don't have teenagers

We are quite firm with being in their bedrooms at 9pm. I have literally just told my oldest two , right time for bed upstairs now please I need one hour of peace a day. They did say well you've been working all day 😂 yeah sure that was brilliantly peaceful!

The rest of it i have no advice. We have just moved to a village so now taxi around even more. I try to only buy expensive clothes at Xmas and birthdays but that only really works because I have summer born children so have an even split in the year so I tell them to wait for xmas/birthday. I do feel like im back at the toddler stage where they are clingy maybe its just my kids. Also I don't do the laundry my husband does it so he just moans about it to them 🙂

I recognise some of this but there is no way I am sorting out their rooms. Honestly just stop going in there.
I really like that we sit together watching tv of an evening but we let them have devices till 9pm so get grown up time till then.
I think you just need to make a few small changes and you will be much happier.

I worked full time throughout and I definitely find the teen years easier. We had very little help and I could not leave them to go for a walk by myself for years. I used to walk in the lunchtimes at work. I got run down as I was either at work or minding them.

Now that they are teens, I can watch tv in peace. I can go for a walk. When they were in primary I had to supervise all homework in the evenings. Now they are in their rooms doing homework or I take them to sports. They come in to talk to me for a while. This is a huge differemce to when I was supervising 2 sets of homework every night, doing school projects etc.

I lnow I have to drive them places but I am not constantly watching primary age children jumping, doing damage and breaking things.

They cook meals for themselves. I cannot judge with shopping as they may bake at 9pm. I am oftrn running out of ingredients. They do clean up after themselves. I get hoodies for Christmas and birthdays.

It is a bit dear but I found 2 sets of nursery fees for the primary years very dear.

All over the country, there are young carers, younger than your two, who are perfectly capable of doing the laundry. There is no good reason why your DC cannot do the same.

As for £70 hoodies and suchlike, there is no reason why these cannot be 'earned' via household chores.

@Secondtonaan but also to pay for school ski trips and £70 hoodies.

Well no, you don't have to pay for that.

Weekends are spent driving them from party to sports events to friends houses.

I think it's really weird for teenagers to be ferried around in a car.

Do they not have feet? Can they not walk?

It depends where you are - I'd certainly hate to be giving lifts, but I live in London so the kids can use public transport.

I do miss doing stuff as a family, as 17yo is always busy with commitments and social life and has to be 'booked' weeks in advance - I didn't really see that coming, as I think I kept doing quite a lot with my parents until I left home, although I did have a social life too. But I suppose it's a better problem to have than a teenager who never leaves their room, which I do hear a lot of parents worrying about.

Luckily neither teen the least bit interested in 'trends' (one of the perks of neurodivergent kids, I guess).

I can't really relate. My kids were a lot of work as babies and teens, but now they are older they do their own laundry, cycle or use public transport, cook meals for us, give me time for my own hobbies and interests but are also genuinely interesting to talk to, and are excellent at finding bargain clothes on Vinted/in charity shops etc.

We live in London and don't do much ferrying at all. Both teens are/were very independent on public transport, including Lime bikes. They routinely get home past midnight by themselves, no drama.

They ask others if they have anything else to put in. It can always be put on a airer or washed in the evening and hung out before school in the morning. Most machines have a half load function and it gives them some responsibility. My son did his washing from about 14/15 and also made one of the families evening meals in the week. What life skills have you taught him so far other than if he sulks he gets to do what he wants. Your his parent not his mate.

I actually don't relate! Having teens is the best! Having young children was the real tough part for me.

You have permission to go to bed before the teens you know. You don't need to jump up and wash their clothes, or take them somewhere if you're already busy. They dont need expensive things. If it's safe for them to get the bus, they can learn to do that every so often.

boundaries are ok to have.