I hate the lifestyle that comes with having teens

[Secondtonaan]

I have 2 DC, 12 and 14 and an totally run down and fed up.

When they were younger I worked part time, we had lovely times together in the park or reading, they went to bed at 7.30 and DH and I would have a glass of wine and watch a film or make nice food and chat. I always knew where they were or who they were with

Now I have to work FT because of CoL but also to pay for school ski trips and £70 hoodies. They hove around until at least 1030 (often having a crisis at 1029) by which time I'm collapsing in bed, their rooms are full of shit and crockery I have to sort out while washing their favourite Zara tee shirt. Weekends are spent driving them from party to sports events to friends houses. I am totally exhausted and do nothing except work and be a teen concierge.

The kids themselves are mostly wonderful, doing well at an excellent local school, nice friends. Usual ups and downs but we're very close. I just can't stand the lifestyle and don't get a minute to myself.

Not strong enough for AIBU but do you relate?

@TartanMammy Yes, your social life def. improves when they’re teenagers!

my son likes to kiss my nose and tell me I’m very small

@Straightjacketsandroses I can so relate to this as I’m the smallest by far now in my family, they tower over me and sometimes pick me up to demonstrate. 😂

Its the late evening pick ups that seem to be killing me at the moment. This week I've had 2am (School trip!) On Tuesday (wed morning!), 9pm Wednesday evening, 10pm tonight, tomorrow is 9pm... then Saturday I should be home by 6.30. I hope DH is doing DDs rugby match on Sunday... they can be anywhere in Yorkshire which is quite a large area!

I'm nowhere near this phase but wondering if I can get them to go to their rooms at 8pm every night! To read / play computer game etc before bed. I need my living room to myself in the evening!! Definitely need a bigger house with two reception rooms - one for adults, one for teens.

I'm with you op. I have twin 14yr old sons and the puberty and everything that comes with it happened at the same time with them.
I lost both my children and all the nice days out, fun family holidays. They don't want to spend time with their old Mam and I understand it's part of their growing up but i do feel like an empty nester before they've even left.
They do want to spend time with me to unload their angst, just like you say, as I get into bed at the end of a long day.
I miss those early years so badly.

I don’t think it’s fair that some people saying you have no boundaries . You sound very much like me. I love seeing my dc happy and would do anything to facilitate that including being on call to drive them anywhere on an evening/weekend . My DS17 recently passing his driving test has been a game changer I will say but I’m not ashamed that I put them first .
I do miss the younger years where we spent weekends at farms, softplay and parties together but chatting to them and being there for them is amazing.

Tbh I find the opposite. I've felt much freer during the teen years because you don't need to supervise them all the time. Yes there's a fair bit of giving lifts, but apart from that they require very little effort. They're good company when they are at home, but it's also nice to be able to go out without them. They've been very low-cost by usual teen standards, I think, though the university years are proving expensive (dd at uni, ds will go in September). I don't at all wish they weren't here in the evenings. Oh and they've done their own laundry for ages.

Growing up, I think I got a lift to school twice, never to college and never to go see friends, ATC or anything. I can actually remember the one time my mum came to collect me from a friends when I was 18 was because I was so badly hungover I couldn't walk!. She just tipped me out of the car, on the driveway at home where I sat for a couple of hours, still unable to get up. Mum just kept an eye on me from the window..

While it's lovely being a kind mum, it's actually not doing them favours in the future, esp when it comes to tidying up bedrooms and the crockery! Catching a bus now and then, esp when safe in the day time will teach them some independence and confidence too. These are simple things that you could ask them to help with and things will get easier for all.

Can you share lifts with others my DIL does this with hers for rugby. Working well.

You can give kids a lovely time and have some boundaries.

Get a washing/chores rota.
Set some rules about crockery/food upstairs.
Plan the driving so it is not excessive.

You can either choose to keep doing what you're moaning about or you can choose a different way.

It doesn't matter what other parents do. You're moaning about something you've chosen!

I totally get that I'm very lucky to have basically easy kids. My worries are not that severe. Just had a shit day today and feel it's been a long time since I had much joy in life. Hope all ok with you.

Teenage years are tough but then they become adults and have their own kids and you get to do it all over again. At least you can give the grandkids back for a break though so it’s not all bad!

"Send them to their rooms at 8-9pm"? Isn't that rejecting them?

I have one that is 18 and as we live in a City, quite centrally, he is pretty independent and either walks everywhere or gets the train, public transport. My only worry with him, is when he doesn't let me know that he's staying the night at his Girlfriend's but he's great company, very laidback.

DD is a mid teen and needs running around to parties but I don't mind really as she did a lot more after school clubs and Saturday drama etc at Junior school, far more running around. I have the opposite problem of my DC hanging out in their rooms loads as they listen to music, DD has design projects to do in her room and is a keen artist so she rarely sits around with us.

Dd loves clothes but prefers vinted etc. mind you that can be very expensive like vintage jeans etc.

I miss knowing where my eldest is and books at bedtime.

Can’t understand why teens are allowed to have meals in bedrooms, if they can’t bring crockery down and wash it up!

Yes I'm no approx 40000 WhatsApp groups for various car share activities!!!

It’s so true about the 10.29 crisis.

I remember the 10.29 crisis.

Usially related to food tech….

I had a really good relationship (and still have) with my parents when I was a teen. We lived semi rural and I was expected to use the bus but would get picked up from 10pm onwards if it was a party or had a late shift at my weekend job when I turned 16. My mum taught me how to wash and iron when I was in about Yr 9 and I made our family a tea once a week from Yr 8. I was surprised when in first year of uni I had to teach my flat mates how to use a washing machine or cook a simple meal. It seemed boring at the time, but I'm grateful for the life skills xx

I understand op and I think the answer is to do some stuff for you, even if it’s just minor things. Do you have anything coming up to look forward to? Could you book anything in?

Thanks for your nice words as well.

Fear not! You have the glorious older primary years. That sweet spot.

OP you have made a rod for your own back! Probably too late to change things now, but you’re not doing them any favours by being so tolerant and lax.

It won’t be long til they’re driving, and then moving out for uni, and you feel redundant :(

I hear you @Secondtonaan. Our youngest went off to uni this September (the other one is also away at uni) and in many ways- the ones you’ve listed- it’s bliss. It does feel like an invasion when they come back though 😅

Hard, enforced "no eating in the bedrooms" rule really saves a load of trouble with lazy/forgetful family members (not only teens!) Can be exceptions for something like a snack where they just throw away the package/paper, and of course they can have their water bottle or whatever - but there shouldn't be a reason to take plates, bowls, cutlery, etc. in. Certainly no more than one set at once.

Sorry, I was trying to be funny.

They are very well mannered, work hard at school and get good results, eat healthily and lots of other things where I've set boundaries but in terms of the day to day there are a lot of factors at work!!

Same. When the play dates finished I was happy, thinking all finished now. Now more ..now it’s even more.