I hate the lifestyle that comes with having teens

[Secondtonaan]

I have 2 DC, 12 and 14 and an totally run down and fed up.

When they were younger I worked part time, we had lovely times together in the park or reading, they went to bed at 7.30 and DH and I would have a glass of wine and watch a film or make nice food and chat. I always knew where they were or who they were with

Now I have to work FT because of CoL but also to pay for school ski trips and £70 hoodies. They hove around until at least 1030 (often having a crisis at 1029) by which time I'm collapsing in bed, their rooms are full of shit and crockery I have to sort out while washing their favourite Zara tee shirt. Weekends are spent driving them from party to sports events to friends houses. I am totally exhausted and do nothing except work and be a teen concierge.

The kids themselves are mostly wonderful, doing well at an excellent local school, nice friends. Usual ups and downs but we're very close. I just can't stand the lifestyle and don't get a minute to myself.

Not strong enough for AIBU but do you relate?

I hear and feel this too! I'm feeling poorly with covid today. My son wanted to go out to meet friends. He was happy to ride his bike over until my overprotective Mother stuck her beak in insisting I give him a lift due to the weather! I didn't. Independence is part and parcel of growing up. Do your children have bikes? Its been a game changer for my eldest, public transport where we live is pretty rubbish!

That does sound exhausting. I don't run my teen around anywhere, well other than matches on a Saturday. He uses public transport, has done since about 11, even gets the bus to the golf course with his clubs. I just get on with whatever I'm doing 🤷. I really thought I'd spend these years staying up late/giving lifts etc but no, he never asks, and I do offer but to be fair he's always been a pretty low maintenance/self sufficient kid and I do only have one! If he's out at night he's at a friends, training or the gym, all walking distance.
Haven't cleaned his room in years, that's his job and it's non negotiable. I'm a lone parent though so he does pull his weight as I work a lot.

It's just another phase with different demands. I must admit that I quite like the driving about - it's the best time to chat. I don't mind waiting in the car for their train/school trip coach to arrive/whatever - I listen to something/faff with my phone/read a book. We chose to move somewhere less urban and the public transport is not great - but that was the adults choice, not the kids, so not fair to penalise them for it.

They do blunder about the house quite late, but I just go to bed and ignore the noises of cooking, endless hairwashing and emergency laundry. I lost my shit once or twice at inconsiderate loudness, and it's been kept at a reasonable level ever since. While I've still got them, it's still a pleasure to do things for them. I will help out with packed lunch making when they're running late or buy something they really want when/if I can. Sometimes they drive me nuts, but on the whole they are good company and amongst my favourite human beings. I feel that we've got to keep being relatively hospitable if we want a relationship long term - I do not have an easy relationship with my parents and am very aware of that passing down the generations.

@Alpacajigsaw Hmm, I don’t feel redundant with DD at uni and DS so busy. I can do far more of my own things now. Yesterday, for example, DS was at an evening event so DH and I went to see a film!

Totally relate. Mine are 14 & 17. They mostly stay at home in their rooms during weekday evenings but are party animals at the weekend so I’m always worried about where they are / how they’re getting home / if they’ve arrived home (if I’m not being a taxi). I don’t sleep well until I know they are home.

Their rooms are a state but they’re pretty good at bringing laundry down and plates too since I introduced a plate tax (they can take stuff up to their rooms at night but have to bring down the next day or it’s £1 for every piece of crockery I find in their rooms).

And yes to expensive trips and clothing. Ours earn some money doing chores in the house and garden but just had to fork out £100 today for a trip that EVERYONE is going on.

Oldest has moved out and that’s when it gets easier I find 😂

We don't live in the middle of nowhere but I wouldn't want them getting bus back from party at 1000.

Why not?

I was a fairly laid back Mum ,boundaries is just such an overused word particularly on MN .My children as adults are so grateful for their childhood and no memories of big rows etc .I was not a mug though and they respected that.
Do you live close enough to local town for children to catch bus/ walk ?
I just asked my children to give me notice for any necessary lifts ,closed bedroom doors until they got fed up of the mess/ stench of their rooms.
It does get better. I quite enjoyed late night chats if I wasn’t already in bed!
They are brilliant adults so hang on in there.X

I’m hoping to avoid some of this by living in a city 😬

The bedroom is a difficult area - yes, they should be responsible for their own space and keeping it tidy, but I always think, what if we had a sudden unforeseeable crisis and a relative had to come and collect clothes and stuff for them if they had to stay over somewhere else - how bloody mortifying would that be?

Agree it’s hard work but it’s just a different phase, we will miss them when they are more independent. I’m like you, never begrudge a trip or a lift and enjoy kitting them out in nice clothes but it’s my way of taking care of them, like when they were little, just different. Mine are a few years older than yours but they’re good company now, we can all sit quite happily in front of the tv or around the table of an evening and they are more like adults than children really.

I love my teens. I think you need to throw yourself in and embrace it. In a few years they will be at uni and the house feels empty quite and soulless. The plates and untidy rooms I hear you. I just let it wash over me and only moderately nag. Your kids sound lovely BTW.

You need to practice the eye roll.

I think you are doing too much. I adore my teens and I’m a yes mum but hell no to £70 hoodies. Mine get decent clothes but anything extra, is paid for with their jobs or Christmas or birthday money.
If they want their favourite T-shirt washed when it’s not laundry time, tough, I’m not spending extra money on electricity because they didn’t plan ahead.

I ferry mine around as we live rurally but with boundaries. Work, yes. Three parties plus rugby training too? Nope, pick one party and rugby training.

Evenings, send them away two evenings a week. Or go to bed early and have some time to yourself.
I tell mine I’m done by ten pm, can’t function anymore but if it’s urgent or necessary, of course I’ll stay up all night if I have to.

Boundaries needed here.

Yes I can relate. The endless lifts and drop offs to sports, friends etc can be exhausting.

Not eceryone can walk or have access to public transport.
Mine are same at night time they come alive when Im ready for my bed and want to have long deep & meaningful chats!
Its another stage of parenting some days its great and its lovely to see them maturing and others its hard bloody work…..
Sounds like you are doing a great job x

You mentioned a DH on your first posts, where is he while you run yourself ragged and why is he not doing his 50% parenting here?

If you're run down and fed up you do need more boundaries. It's no good for anyone if you keep giving so much that you drain yourself. Loads of good suggestions on here, many will help them learn more independence and life-skills, so are win-win.

I’m a stepmother to two teens. They live with us full time.

You need to get them washing their own clothes, tidying their own rooms and set a boundary that they need to be in their rooms by whatever time you want. Or, go up to your room yourself earlier in the evening and leave them to it until bedtime. We have a TV in our room so I’ll often chill in bed.

It sounds like they need to be a bit more self-sufficient.

I feel your pain @Secondtonaan. I personally am loving the teen years but there is very little 'me time'... apart from first thing in the morning... they dont seem too keen to chat then 😂 What I will say though is that my eldest has just gone to university and I am missing the random late night chats with her. It's just like every stage of parenthood... there are some really rubbish bits and then the stage passes.

I, too, have a 14 and 12 year old. I also have a 8, 7 and 3 year old. ☠️

Oh yes. Love the phrase "teen concierge"

Due to the age gaps and having a large family I have been parenting at least one teen since 2003. I think I deserve a fucking medal frankly.

I have three teens. They are soooo much better than when they were toddlers. I dont mind giving them lifts at all as my mother would very rarely give me a lift anywhere and we lived in the middle of nowhere. I was a very bored teen. So we also deliberately chose somewhere to live that had good public transport. No food, cups or plates upstairs, ever. And they never do it. We don’t eat upstairs either so it would be really weird.

I think you need to start saying no more. By 14 they should be a bit more self sufficient, public transport and bikes exist as do their legs

For parties again I would expect them to at least consider how they get home. Not just assume mum will pick them up

No one needs to go on the ski trip every year, and £70 hoodie can be bought from pocket money. It keeps your spending consistent.

Rattling around the house is part of having a teen. And I think it's good they don't want to just sit in their bedrooms. The 10.29 crisis again you can't do much about, and is good they can come to you. It's a phase and will pass

That doesn't mean you say no to everything, or become a cruel parent. But teaching teens to be a bit more self sufficient, and their parents lives dont completely revolve around them is a good thing

Yeah I hated the mum’s taxi years.

mine were in cadets though so they had to learn to wash and iron their uniform and clean their boots which was a great opportunity for them to take over their own laundry.

they seemed to have no problem generating enough for a full wash 😀.

Sorry OP I was gutted mine were growing out of the cute baby and toddler stage but I'm loving the teen years and really enjoying them. So much easier than the toddler stretch.

o do hear you about the bloody bedrooms and crockery though!

Yes. I’ve been thinking the exact same thing myself tonight.

We don't drive our 15 and 16 years old anywhere as they make their own way on bike or public transport but yes, it's the most stressful stage of parenting yet. Exams, late nights, attitudes, it feels relentless.