Feeling such rage at DS7, please help

[DespairInDarkness]

DS' sleep has been awful the last few weeks, waking me every couple of hours or so and it is at the point of feeling like absolute torture now.

Tonighe he woke me at 12 (barely half an hour after I'd fallen asleep), then again at 2 and kept us awake til 4. At that point I'd been on his bedroom floor for 2 hours so decided to go back to my bed. He came back through within 5 minutes and we had to start all over again.

At that point I'm ashamed
to admit I screamed/cried/begged at him to lay down and go to sleep. It took him 40 minutes, he's now asleep and i'm too scared to move, but aching so much lying on the floor. As I was dozing on and off earlier, I had visions of gettiing in the car and speeding up and crashing so I could sleep.

I just want him to not need me, to leave me alone at night, I want personal space, I want to sleep.

I don't need tips on how to help his sleep I don't think as we have tried it all at this point but I need advice on staying sane and not turning into an awful mother.

I've had 2 hours sleep and need to be up for work in an hour, the only thing stopping me from bursting into tears is the fear of waking him

My 10yr old son has a sleep disorder and hasnt slept through the night since he was 2yrs old.

We have discouraged co sleeping since he was about 7 and found other ways to manage. He has a double bed so on really bad nights one of us (usually me because he settles quicker for me than DH) can sleep next to him, often once he's asleep im able to leave him and go back to my own bed but it means I can doze whilst he is trying to go back to sleep which helps take the edge off the tiredness.

He cant sleep if its silent he needs noise so goes to sleep watching a film or tv programme and yes i know no screens is supposed to be the way to go but doesnt work for him, something low key and that he has seen 100x before so it isnt new and interesting, tv light is set to dim and sound kept low, timer set for 2hrs so it will turn itself off. He has Alexa playing wave sounds all night and a fan on no matter the weather.

He has a dim red night light on so if he wakes up it isnt dark because he gets unsettled if he cant see the room clearly and that wakes him up more.

It was years of trial and error to find what works and we still dont get uninterrupted nights but its easier to deal with

1

This is very dark but very accurate on the desperation of sleeplessness !

DS is autistic, and has ADHD. He has had sleep problems forever. When he was really little I would sit in his bedroom and read him to sleep with something very boring (to him) and then if he woke in the night DH would swap places with him and he'd sleep in our bed. That way everyone got some sleep.

He's 16 now, and hasn't co-slept since he was about 8 or 9. He sorts himself out now when he can't sleep - getting a drink or something to eat and reading/watching YouTube.

It doesn't last forever, and it worked for us when it was necessary.

Actually yeah, my DS also had this and was later diagnosed ADHD. I think that was part of his obsessive thoughts, looping around and making things worse.

We tried everything. Weighted toy, sleep hygiene overhaul, mattress in room, anxiety exercises, personalised aromatherapy sprays and loads more. It needed a combination of the above to be enough to help him.

My son has more going on though and ended up under CAMHS. The sleeping problem was one symptom bit he's never slept properly. Hes anxious and has ADHD. We also found out eventually that he was being bullied.

My husband had less patience than me and was making things very difficult but he did listen to the advice on the sleep course and we were finally able to work as a team.

Against all instincts and usual advice we were also advised by his mental health team to let him have device to calm down if he needed too...with blue light turned off and to only use calming things like audiobook or calming game.

It was a long slog but at aged 11 he finally was able to cope on his own at night, every night. He does a lot of exercise too and without that the wheels tend to come off again.

Don't try to do this on your own. There is specialist support out there and they support the whole family to cope. We had support from open door and now's the time to change but not sure if these are just local to us.

Do you have a spare room? You could then take it in turns with DH to get a full night's sleep while the other deals with your DS night wakings. We've had this on and off and you absolutely need to share the load. DH often used to just go through at the first wake up and sleep on a futon next to DC bed. I would say prioritise sleep however you can. He's slept through before so I'm sure he will again.

What time is he going to bed? Could be going too late- overtired or too early- not enough sleep pressure to sleep through.

DH was also better with boundaries. He'd say calmly - OK I'll sleep in your room but any messing around and I'm gone. He'd also just ignore any requests/ chatting. Have a cup in his room. He wants water he gets it himself.

The second and third paragraph in this post describe behaviour associated to an anxiety disorder.

I would strongly recommend seeking professional help.

There are antihistamines which help quell night time anxieties but obviously it’ll be best to approach your & DS’s GP for help in this area.
Other things can make sleeping difficult, such as having too much calcium in blood, this is something else only a GP would be able to investigate.

You have all my sympathy OP. There is only so much you can do!
This is a long post from someone else who has been through this and survived .

First - you need a night off. DH has to be on duty and accept a night without sleep. You need ear-plugs and a closed door!

It might be time to consider 'needs' and 'wants'.
It isn't an ideal world. Not all 'wants' can be met.

(Keep in mind that your needs are also his needs. He needs you not to be imagining a car-accident as relief. )

I don't think that his sleep is itself the problem. (It is pretty normal to wake up at intervals. He might always do so. I do. ) It is essential for all humans to (eventually) learn to 'self-sooth' and go back to sleep again after waking. It is a vital skill and one he needs to learn at some point. Some learn it easily - some find it harder.

At the moment he is handing all the responsibility for night-soothing back to you and getting angry and distressed if you don't fulfil that. He wants you to make things better for him at once. He doesn't even want to find his own way on this (having you do it is what he is used to) .

However, it isn't just naughtiness that is making him ignore your agreements. He doesn't have the skill he needs to deal with night. Work on what helps sooth him and on motivation for this new skill.

Things he might find soothing.

(Think senses - sound/sights/sensations). We failed with cuddly toys but succeeded with a 'worry box' (for symbolically putting fears and worries in for talking through with Mum tomorrow) and music. Well-used story tapes worked for me.

Help him work these out for himself and (with him) talk to other people in the family (or friends) about what they do when they wake and feel worried or just can't sleep.

In the day-time, help him notice how it feels to be anxious and how you can relax away this feeling.

Play-act waking at night (again - do this in the day) and work through some strategies- a drill to use when stressed :)

Perhaps get him to delay calling you. Just a short time at first. Then perhaps he must listen the whole story or close his eyes and count clock-ticks or groups of imaginary sheep :). Anything to have delay in a cosy place with shut eyes.

Collect special rewards you can give him for learning this new skill. (Every morning if necessary!)

I posted earlier in the thread to say that my DS co-slept with me and eventually grew out of it. But actually having read some posts on the thread about anxiety etc and seeing a psychologist it struck me that in fact with DS he did have anxiety issues although we didn’t really realise until he was older. He developed daily migraines and missed a lot of school around GCSE years. He eventually asked to see a psychologist himself which definitely helped. I wonder if we had recognised anxiety earlier we could have sorted it earlier.

He is 24 now and seeing a counsellor again at his own behest as he was struggling with a relationship break up. I think knowing how it helped when he was a teen meant he was open to counselling again when he recognised he needed help.

So it may be worth trying to go down that route with your DS earlier rather than later. Especially as he does seem school related. My DS’s issues were too although he didn’t recognise it as stress then.

Sleeping on the floor is never going to work, put a proper plan in place and explain to th what’ll happen and stick with it, no junk food or screen time after school.

Why does everything have to come down to "they must be neuro divergent, anxiety etc".??? We are creating a generation of people who will be unable to cope with life.

Your child is taking the piss. Women up and just keep putting him back to bed.

@DespairInDarkness the fact he said he was happiness all together in terms of worries may be true but it also may be that actually he either can’t quite vocalise what they are or doesn’t want to worry you because that doesn’t sit right with everything you say about going to school does it? That one line doesn’t match

Does get a relaxing hot bath before bed ?
He may be a genuine insomniac - there are people who don't/ just can't sleep.