Feeling such rage at DS7, please help

[DespairInDarkness]

DS' sleep has been awful the last few weeks, waking me every couple of hours or so and it is at the point of feeling like absolute torture now.

Tonighe he woke me at 12 (barely half an hour after I'd fallen asleep), then again at 2 and kept us awake til 4. At that point I'd been on his bedroom floor for 2 hours so decided to go back to my bed. He came back through within 5 minutes and we had to start all over again.

At that point I'm ashamed
to admit I screamed/cried/begged at him to lay down and go to sleep. It took him 40 minutes, he's now asleep and i'm too scared to move, but aching so much lying on the floor. As I was dozing on and off earlier, I had visions of gettiing in the car and speeding up and crashing so I could sleep.

I just want him to not need me, to leave me alone at night, I want personal space, I want to sleep.

I don't need tips on how to help his sleep I don't think as we have tried it all at this point but I need advice on staying sane and not turning into an awful mother.

I've had 2 hours sleep and need to be up for work in an hour, the only thing stopping me from bursting into tears is the fear of waking him

I hope you have managed to sleep now.
Im awake as full of flu.
But my youngest was like this. I slept on the floor by his bed so often . And fully felt like i was going a bit crazy some nights. It really takes its toll .
In the end it was a mix of more consequences during the day .(no tv/treat and such) . And being consistent at night. Taking them back to bed tucking in and saying night . Then back to my own room. No other chit chat .
Also I got what I called a special sleep teddy . That I made a big deal about keeping him company and looking after him in bed. Tucked them in together .
This all worked . Now they have a quiet audio book on as they fall asleep. Seems to do the trick for a restful sleep.

My son used to wake and come into my bed in the middle of the night and sleep between us. It never affected my sleep as I was in my bed. I didn’t discourage it. It naturally stopped when he got a bit older. I actually miss those days he wanted his mama and he’d hug me tight. I have to beg for a hug now he’s a teen! I used to do what you’re doing with my daughter when she was very little, it was torture until she began to sleep through the night. Your sleep is important so you need to sort a solution that works

Maybe your son could benefit from seeing a child psychologists?

I am sorry you are going through this. Sleep deprivation is torture. It seems he has gotten into the habit of interacting with you when he wakes up. We all wake up mutltiple times per night and we all fall back asleep wihtout realising or remembering it. In the case of your son, it appears he can’t do that without interacting with one of you.
You need to try to break that cycle because co-sleeping, a mattress in his bedroom, or even a baby monitor that allows him to see you, is just a temporary solution. He needs to learn to go back to sleep on his own.

Have a conversation (I know another one) about how you don’t use his toothbrush or his fork or take a bit of his apple. Some things and activities are solo ones. Sleep is one of those.
You can support him with a special lamp, a special toy and try to implement the best sleep hygiene possible. This means no screens of any kind during the day (for neuronal excitability) , including morning before school, eliminate processed foods, kiwis at dinner, calm activities

Is there a night light on in the room ...does he have a good supper before bed ?...is he getting plenty of exercise in the day? .I mean plenty ..lots of opportunities to exhaust himself..?does he have a good evening routine ? ..supper ,bath,teeth , storytime.the same every night .?
Is there water by his bed ..?
Has he got books to look at if he wakes early in a morning.?
Have you got awake up bunny alarm clock .?.you set it at night ,and he knows to stay in bed untill the bunny wakes up in a morning at the time you set .
Have you done a reward chart with a marble in a jar or similar for every night he stays in his bed? ..with something he really wants after a week of not waking you up.
Are you consistent with bedtime and how you respond to him ..it needs to be the same response every single time he wakes you .. eventually he will give up bothering,if he knows he will get put straight back in bed.
I had 3 under 3 ,one of which had SEN ..no way would I of survived on the amount of sleep your getting..you have to mean business, you need a plan and you need to stick to it ..
You could ...try putting the mattress on the floor in your bedroom.. telling him if he gets scared he can lay on the mattress in your bedroom..but he must not wake anyone up coming in ,or the mattress gets removed ...then every morning he hasn't woken you up ,stick a marble in a jar for a weekly reward.

After this latest update OP, id suggest that any time he wakes you up for something ridiculous like this, you get up, and leave his room for 5 mins. Shut the door so he can't get out and let him scream if he needs do. Then go back in and lie down. Basically letting him know calmly that if he does that, no mummy lying next to him.

Magnesium glycinate supplement (this type specifically) has helped my child massively with sleep. Also second the vitamin d comment

My Ds (now 25) slept in with us until he was 9. We just had to let him in the end. we bought a massive bed and he would crawl in at night. The only condition was that he was not to wake us. I just couldn’t handle the constant waking up. Dd never wanted us in the night. Bizarrely he’s totally forgotten this was even a thing.

I absolutely would not be doing this.
@DespairInDarkness
You then have to break that sleep association all over again.
If he is anxious then he needs help with that.
But I would still be very very firm about him sleeping in his bed.
If he wakes he can quietly read but not wake you-he's 7 not 3 .

You cannot go on like this, to be so desperate you want to crash your car?

Please do not blame yourself
Riot act would have been read here, no sleeping on floors and a lock on his/ your door.

Currently you are confirming the sleep association, his waking you is ok, you will sleep on his floor and of course he keeps doing it.
Firm, we sleep in our own beds, rapid return

I also agree with the poster who said it can set up for insomnia as an adult.

When he is cheerful and says he wont wake you, then it's time for you to take the lead and tell him exactly what will be happening, not allowed a 7 year old to be in charge.

Can you make his bedroom more attractive than you are? My son slept in our bed from 2 -6 years until I bought him a bunk bed and it was even on another floor but he loved it, no longer found us so attractive and was gone permanently!

He shouldn’t be waking you if he can’t sleep. I don’t understand why he’s waking you up repeatedly.

He probably doesn't know. Stop asking him as you will embed it all more. He's probably getting scared of being scared, and scared of disappointing you.

You know he's scared, it's enough.

Your sleep, and his, will be helped most by accepting he is who he is and adapting. A mattress in his room is a good idea, he can then get you.

But moving him out of his bed is the wrong step, you want him to feel safe in his bed! You have the mattress.

Stop trying to win a single battle, focus on the long game.

Put him in your bed. Stop lying on the floor - I’m sure that’s contributing to how you feel.

Look, I’m afraid you don’t get to be this autonomous person who is never touched at night when you have children.

All children are different and some need the regulation of another person with them at bedtime. And that is ok.

In the west, there is this obsession with babies and young children sleeping alone as soon as possible but that doesn’t work for some children and they shouldn’t be screamed at or shamed for it.

My children have all needed to sleep in my bed at various times. They all grew out of it and I think it has helped them to be emotionally stable.

I know this is the worst feeling when you feel almost drunk with too little sleep. We solved a few issues like this with a Yoto Player - when he wakes up in the night, he has to choose to listen to something for a bit rather than waking us up and so far, Kate Winslet reading the Magic Faraway Tree is a lot more soothing than me shrieking and shouting so he drops off quickly. Also have storm sounds on Alexa when he goes to sleep at night - it masks the sound of house noises and keeps him asleep. Good luck - this is truly so difficult to deal with and keep going x

Because he's only five and scared, it's pretty common.

My DD was a horrendous, anxious sleeper who woke us up constantly so I do empathise massively but by 7, if she woke me up when I’d already gone into her room and if she ‘shouted in my face’ in the middle of the night I would have told her off to be frank. I can see why you don’t want him to start coming into your bedroom if that’s not where his behaviour will end, if he’ll start waking you up even whilst he’s there etc. We used to let DD in our bed but then completely ignore her, so she’d have the comfort of being close to us but DH and I wouldn’t so much as look at her to make sure she didn’t start thinking that time was a time for fun and interaction. If she’d continue to wake us up once she was in our bed, I probably would’ve told her she wasn’t allowed to come in if she did that anymore. Take back control of this situation OP, as a PP said even if he’s shouting and screaming all night stay firm and make the situation predictable for him.

Can he read independently? In the end I just let my DD stay awake if she woke up during the night and she could read books all night if she wanted to. Once I sort of removed the pressure of ‘you HAVE to try and go back to sleep’, which clearly she was finding extremely difficult, she stopped bothering us. They really don’t want to be the only one finding it hard to sleep, they want an ally in it so it feels less lonely - hence him waking you up! But next time he wakes at 3 or 4, I’d just say he can stay up in his room.

Title says he is 7

Essentially even if he is scared, all the flip flopping from sleeping on the floor/ in Ops bed/
Op up and down sets the association that if he's scared his mother will get up and soothe him
Sleep wakes which we all do are normal and teaching self soothing is the way to go.
Firm talk that he is to stay in bed, read, listen to something and rapid return will set the expectations not doing all different things.

It equals the message -it's safe to sleep in your bed

Just to say I hope you are ok, and it's completely understandable to lose it with him sometimes when you are so sleep deprived and frustrated. Sleep deprivation is horrible. Have a good conversation with your DH as soon as you can, to let him know you can't continue to cope with this and what you need him to do in terms of offering relief so you can catch up on sleep.
My DC was like this at 7 and behaving in scary ways with attachment etc. I was told 7 is an age of specific psychological development, when a child realises they are autonomous and growing up into an adult, and apparently it can cause all sorts of issues til they get past it. Worth looking up.

My DC is now the most lovely young adult. The phase passed. This will pass for you 💐

I was just going to say this.

Anxiety and sleep are wrapped in each other. My friend has terrible issues with her sleep due to anxiety.

He might need help with some coping mechanisms at night if he is feeling anxious.

I couldn't cope with it either op. Don't feel bad, you're operating on lack of sleep. Maybe try drs first. Or youtube videos self help on this topic.

Yep I’d co sleep too.

That sounds utterly exhausting for you @DespairInDarknessand you have my sympathies.
Does his dad take turns to get up with him to give you a break?
I’d be tempted to take him to your GP so they can investigate whether he’s deficient in something, or can refer you to someone because you can’t go on like this.
Personally, I’d be a bit firmer with him but I appreciate that that is easier said than done. No telling you how to lay down etc! And firm words this morning. Does he have consequences the next day and if so, what sort? I feel for you

OP you have my sympathy on the sleep front as I have insomnia and my 5 year old wakes a lot (previously every hour but now just a bit in the night and needs me). Talking about boundaries during the day doesn’t help, I find sleepy child and awake child are different and have different needs and ideals. I think you need to seek professional help to be honest to get to the root of this, otherwise even if it calms down, as it may rear again.

Really surprised by these responses. He's 7. I know lack of sleep is torturous but all the rules and boundaries don't seem to be working

He's anxious and he has told you that. It's not like he's just messing around being silly.

My advice would be to work on the anxiety, during the day, not linked to your conversations about bedtime. You think it's about school. Have you tried journalling/drawing together and talking things through. There are plenty of books to help support an anxious child. Resolving the anxiety will help him in so many ways, not just his sleep

He's 7 so old enough to understand.

There's being scared and needing a adult which is fine, but demanding and screaming isn't fine. He needs consequences for his behaviour. Let it escalate in the night if it needs to, he needs to see you are broken. This situation isn't sustainable and the screaming on your face is choice behaviour from him.

Op isn't enforcing rules and boundaries though
The child is ordering her to lie a different way fgs
Absolutely no way would I allow this.
He sounds incredibly anxious but allowing him to wake his mother, then tell her to lie a different way, get different water etc is ridiculous.
He's crying out for an adult to put boundaries in place to make him feel safe.

‘There will be consequences’

Please don’t punish him for being anxious - he can’t help it! You can’t control how your child feels. But you should respond in a way that validates his feelings. Don’t make the mistake of telling him his feelings are invalid. You are the adult.