Feeling such rage at DS7, please help

[DespairInDarkness]

DS' sleep has been awful the last few weeks, waking me every couple of hours or so and it is at the point of feeling like absolute torture now.

Tonighe he woke me at 12 (barely half an hour after I'd fallen asleep), then again at 2 and kept us awake til 4. At that point I'd been on his bedroom floor for 2 hours so decided to go back to my bed. He came back through within 5 minutes and we had to start all over again.

At that point I'm ashamed
to admit I screamed/cried/begged at him to lay down and go to sleep. It took him 40 minutes, he's now asleep and i'm too scared to move, but aching so much lying on the floor. As I was dozing on and off earlier, I had visions of gettiing in the car and speeding up and crashing so I could sleep.

I just want him to not need me, to leave me alone at night, I want personal space, I want to sleep.

I don't need tips on how to help his sleep I don't think as we have tried it all at this point but I need advice on staying sane and not turning into an awful mother.

I've had 2 hours sleep and need to be up for work in an hour, the only thing stopping me from bursting into tears is the fear of waking him

You aren't a bad parent OP, more an exhausted sleep deprived one.
Start by not comparing to others and do what works best for you.
Take care

I have no advice to give @DespairInDarkness but lots of sympathy. Both of my children were like this all the way through primary school (they are 18 and 15 now) and I was at the end of my tether on many, many occasions! I 'slept' on their floors more nights than I can remember, felt the rage that you are feeling and tried everything I could think I of to try and improve the situation but nothing worked! They were just really bloody awful sleepers! I know this doesn't help you now but it WILL pass ❤️ I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and please don’t feel guilty about any sleep deprived thoughts you may have. I would have given my children away to random passers-by at times just to get some sleep!!!

If he’s an anxious boy play therapy might help x

One thing that we end up doing... I'd forgotten about this... was have a mattress on the floor in our room so that when they woke up in the night (after I had sat with them for the entire evening to get them to sleep in the first place!) they just came in to our room and would sleep the rest of the night on the mattress. Wasn't ideal in any way but at least everyone got some sleep.

You cant rely on a 7yo being able to understand whats happening.

Oh this sounds absolutely hellish OP! I feel so sorry for you.

My children were terrible at sleeping and staying in their own beds. My dd was one of those kids who needed me to lay on the floor holding her hand and would wake up as soon as I tried to move. It's torturous!
We just ended up with them climbing in our bed in the middle of the night which was a slight improvement but it was four of us in a normal double so me and exdp never got a great sleep.

It wasn't as bad as what you are going through though. Him waking you up while you are sleeping in his room is terrible.

What job have you got where you don't finish working until 11pm but have to get up for work again at 6am?
I'm not surprised you are at the end of your tether!

Aw poor little lad, waking up in the night scared and just wanting reassurance but to get shouted and screamed at by the people hes looking to for comfort. Just bring him into your bed temporarily. Its a phase they all go through. Alternatively, if hes got room, get him a double bed in his room so on the nights hes feeling scared, one of you can get in with him. What about putting both children in the room together?

This sounds awful, I hope he settles soon. Is there anything going on in school, is he struggling there?

This!

No not all children go through this phase.

I didn’t, my siblings didn’t and my own children didn’t.

The OP isn’t a bad parent because she shouted.She intimated she had thoughts of self harm because she is so sleep deprived after continually getting up to attend to her DS. It doesn’t serve mother or child to be in a situation like this.

It doesn’t help a child, growing up thinking they can’t self soothe. It actually makes them more anxious. And no, I’m not someone who let a baby cry out. I co slept with all my babies until they were three. At which point, they settled into sleep themselves and never woke during the night. I’ve never had to deal with kids waking at night and expecting to come into my bed.

Babies need a parent to sleep with, not kids.

I don't need tips on how to help his sleep I don't think as we have tried it all at this point

Unless the child is neurodivergent, I suspect this is more of a parenting issue than a problem of the child.

This sentence suggests this thread is more for venting than identifying solutions. Reflect inward.

And it's a silly mummy martyrdom myth that children need to be in your bed. Mine are 3 and 1, and have never slept in bed with us. Perfectly happy, functioning children. People peddle this nonsense to justify their inability to take alternative actions.

I quite often get both of oura off to sleep in my bed then sleep in theirs. This works as they have someone next to them. And I get a decent night alone in one of their beds.

How about trying the two children sharing a room?

Its OK to feel rage when you cant sleep. Its hell.
But please dont direct that at a child who has difficulty sleeping himself. He is not doing it on purpose. He is struggling. You are the parent and you need to work this out so that you can all sleep.

From what you have written it does sound like anxiety that was triggered by school. You cant expect it to go away at half term. It may be just one of the factors. You may want to look into what influences ability to sleep.

Also, you seem to be the one who is dealing with the situation while your husband just sleeps? The child has two parents.

Yeah do it, I had to do this with DS until he was 8, it sounds dramatic but it saved us all because we all got sleep, it wont be forever but having no sleep is torturous, you can't go on like this...

I just bed shared with my kids because all this is some unnecessary self-flagelation for rules society made up.

Thank you all for the advice and supportive messages.

The wide variety of responses makes me feel quite validated in not knowing what to do too, as there's been everything from "he's got you wrapped around his finger, put a lock on his door" to needing to take him to a psychologist.

I think my next step is going to be carrying on with the mattress on his floor (him sleeping on his own is way beyond the realm of possibility right now) but reinforcing the boundaries of needing to be quiet and not waking me when I am there. Also appreciate PPs saying boundaries should actually help if it is anxiety.

I'll also try a couple of the things mentioned (weighted blanket and sleep gummies - even just placebo effect might help). With the weighted blankets though, everything I read says to only use 20mins at a time/not keep them all night? If so, it might not be much use.

If all continues to fail I certainly will consider a psychologist, if it is anxiety it can only help and I'd like to tackle it sooner rather than later.

I know what I described in the night with the water and shouting makes him sound like he is naughty, but this has always been his response to anxious situations (lashing out/being horrible), I genuinely don't believe it is naughtiness. He is truly lovely the rest of the time.

Regarding good sleep hygiene, we are already doing everything. He's always had a good routine, healthy diet, plenty of exercise, barely any screen time. Never had sleep crutches until this all started. We have also been doing occasional journaling and the kids have been asking to do bedtime yoga every night which has been lovely.

I got his journal back out today and we were chatting in bed a while and decided to do a few pages. On the "worry" page he could not think what to write and just wrote "nothing, just happiness all together" and seemed to mean it!

I do also see what PP are saying about putting him in with DS2 but this would make me feel really selfish, it shouldn't be DS2's problem to resolve. He also sleeps so peacefully I'd worry he would get disturbed by DS1.

Onwards and upwards, we'll try to get through the day and go to sleep at the same time as him tonight. He doesn't usually wake for the first 3 or 4 hours but this could be because he knows we are still up and the house isn't deadly silent.

My watch says I got 2h9mins sleep last night, it is actually insane.

I'll repeat - read about night terrors.

You're getting some quite judgemental posts from people who have no experience of the position you're in. It's like on fussy eating threads where people whose child eats everything consider themselves the experts when often all they've done is be luckier. There is nothing like having more children to teach you that sometimes it's just luck.

I wonder if you could try a sleepover with his brother over half term, just for fun. No pressure, just see if they are up for it. Nothing lost if he ends up coming in with you anyway. I totally appreciate that it is not your other son's problem to solve, but he might well have a totally different experience from the one you do. Having more dad time at night and less of you might not go amiss either.

Also, for your sanity, please consider booking into a hotel for a night and leaving your husband in charge. You'd probably sleep 12 hours straight. It would be so good for your brain. Your whole family need you to stay well and functional.

Night terrors are usually quite different to what OP is describing though. For night terrors, DC isn't fully awake and is in a wild state of panic and fear, can't communicate and move around like the OP's DS is able to. There may be some overlap, but it's not the same thing and won't have the same solutions.

Not sleeping fine.
Him waking you up to move a certain way is not ok and I would explain before bed there will be a consequence for that the next day and what they will.

You sound like such a lovely caring mum. Well done for meeting his needs when you're running on empty. I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to offer my support and to say that you little boy sounds like a really lovely kid with genuine anxiety, not a monster.

Actually maybe I do have advice. My son used to be very very anxious. I took him to the GP because he constantly complained of stomach ache at school to the point he was being sent home, and the lovely GP identified that it wasn't stomach ache, it was butterflies in his stomach linked to his anxiety.

We were already doing things to manage his anxiety - and yes, gentle, loving boundaries are good things, and predictability of routine and your presence, so you're doing all the right things - but the GP also prescribed gaviscon for him. A proper prescription, that we collected together from the chemist. He was prescribed it at a quarter dose, for every time he got 'tummy ache'.

The placebo effect is real. It sorted it out. I am so grateful to her. You don't tell anxious people there's nothing to worry about and expect it to go away. You take it seriously. I think the sleep gummies are therefore a great idea.

He's now 17 and not an anxious person at all. This too shall pass, OP.

Have you tried getting your sons to share a room or have sleepovers in each others rooms. This worked well when my two were small. We ended up with one sleeping room and one playing room and they separated into a room each at their request when they were older. They just wanted someone near them at night and happy for sibling. It didn't work when they were ill or for nightmares though!

Prior to that I had a proper single mattress made up on the floor (stored under his bed in the day) and I went up to bed with him and slept there from early to get as much sleep as possible. The focus was just to get as much sleep as possible to function until they grow out of it.

Why are you sleeping on the floor? Just let him come in your bed. Look at it from his perspective, he is a child, he is waking up scared, he is asking for your help. All he wants is to be close to you. Just help him by letting him sleep in your bed. He doesn't understand why you are pushing him away when at night he is most scared.

This sounds exactly like my 9 year old DD, even down to the having to sleep a certain way to face her. My daughter is on the waiting list to be assessed for ADHD and autism. Do you think this could be a possibility for your son?