Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

Don't think the OP is coming back..

To.tjw imaginary thread. Perhaps the Police are now involved, investigating Communication offences so she can't return..

It might be that your boss has been playing away and he’s confessed- you’ve just got caught up in it. Do nothing!

She doesn't have to do anything to keep her job, but there are actions such as taking a non-event to HR, which would probably be considered unprofessional by her employers (HR & Boss).

Her Boss hasn't done anything wrong.

“I’m surprised to have received these messages from your wife. Having my professionalism questioned is causing me some distress. Please let me know how you’re going to ensure I don’t get any further messages or accusations, which I’d have to take to HR.”

It would need to be much more neutral:

I received a message from your wife regarding photos from the event. I want to clarify that I was attending at the firm’s request. I’m uncomfortable being contacted about personal matters, and I wanted to make you aware.

The boss probably knows nothing of his wife phone espionage (and if he does he's probably quite embarassed). The wife might want
to embarass the husband as a form of "punishment", so instead of calling HR to let them know her husband is a philanderer making (herself look like a loony) she messages the OP with the hopes she'll "get the ball rolling". The OP will probably address this with her boss or speak to HR which will be an embarassment for him and is probably what the wife wants.

The boss marriage sounds like a disfunctional one and any adressing of the problem on the OP's part is exactly what the wife is aiming for: embarassing him at his work place.

The OP has nothing to gain by adressing the issue and a lot to loose by getting involved in her boss disfunctional marriage and that's why i would block and forget about it.

Indeed. And the PP who wanted to know if OP was wearing 'a skimpy dress'!!

As obviously what she was wearing while attending a work function in a professional capacity as a representative of her firm might give justification for a woman she does not know, and does not have a relationship with, to contact her using personal.details which she had no right to access...

Probably because boss isn't back until next week and if he has read OP's Teams message, he may not have responded.

Please do update us on Monday when you speak to him.

Is my mind going too wild to imagine the possibility of the boss sending these messages to test the waters or plant the idea of an affair with op? Because it's only human to start viewing him differently now and start to replay and analyse all communications, whether there was something untoward?

No way, unless the boss like to be embarrassed or faced with the possibility of having the OP go to HR, I'm sure he doesn't want to bring any drama to his work or put it in jeopardy (specially if he's married AND in a senior position).

there is a clear divide on this thread. Women who see this through the lense of being taken seriously as a professional person at work and people who see it through the lense of the poor wife having to tolerate her husband working with other females.

No one should have to explain to the spouse if a colleague that they aren’t having an affair. No one should have to explain their own marriage is happy (what if they were single, or in an unhappy marriage) to reassure a stranger that their attendance at a work event was just that.

this thread has really depressed me. Sexism is still alive and well.

Completely agree, it's awful.

But why is not smoothing over her bosses feelings or not covering her back considered unprofessional? Can't you see how inherently misogynistic the world of work is if that is the case?

I dread to think how a single woman daring to be seen with a married male colleague would be treated tbh. The way single women in this kind of situation are talked about on MN is vile.

All the handwringing and drama over what is quite a straightforward situation is ridiculous. Just tell the woman the truth and move on with your life. 'People who have nothing to hide, dont hide anything'.

You could say that about the man at the centre of all of this... His wife clearly thinks he is hiding something.

The OP has no control over what he may or may not be doing or have done. She only has control over what she can do. So if it were me, I would just repond quickly and to the point, explain it was a work event and then move on. Why everything has to be analysed to death and debated to the nth degree is beyond me.

Why does she need to explain herself or 'come clear' to a total stranger who has stolen her contact info?

Well she says she wants this to go away - so just answer her and move on. That would seem to be the quickest and easiest way to resolve it. Ideally the woman would respond absolutely mortified and apologise. The OP would be left with some rather awkward insights into the state of her colleagues marriage, but life could go on. If it doesnt go away, then she can then escalate to HR and make it a formal complaint against the colleague. I dont understand all this james Bond level hysteria. Sometimes the simplest response works out just fine.

It's very naive to think this. If the wife was a normal person she would address her insecurities/issues directly with her husband, instead she chooses to sneak in his phone and message strangers or people in his work place. This is someone looking for drama. Messaging the wife with explanations will only fuel more drama and the OP having to block her or go to HR to protect herself thus embarrassing the boss which is exactly want the wife wants. I believe the OP is being used as a pawn in this dysfunctional marriage.

Have to agree - why on earth would the wife believe OP? You see threads on here all the time where the wife is being wound up and told not to believe anything.

by responding OP puts herself into the drama. Staying out of t it is the best option.

What would the formal complaint about the colleague be? His choice of wife?

I suggest that you read the thread, there is no mention of her Boss's feelings let alone any suggestions that she should talk to him about the wife situation.