Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

No update from the Boss?

If someone reported sexual harassment by a colleague of course that would be dealt with. If the spouse of a colleague sexually harassed an employee I'd advise it was a police matter. HR has no authority with someone who is married/the partner of an employee and as far as I am concerned the employee has no responsibility for the behaviour of their partner/spouse. Similarly if a colleague asked me what I thought of someone harassing them with text messages I'd also suggest it was a police matter.

Can you give us an idea of what HR can do about someone who is not a member of staff harassing a member of staff? I could as a colleague support the OP going to the police but I can't actually do anything about someone who isn't an employee, I can't do anything about something the boss might do at some unspecified time in the future. If the OP feels she is being treated in an inappropriate way by her boss because of this then that is something I would deal with.

I would worry about being thrown under the bus by her boss - who is actually now the biggest threat to her.

Yes, they have a good working relationship now - but it's likely that if he mollifies his wife, it'll come with strings attached about decreasing contact with the OP at work. He'll do it all by the book and remain professional, but the OP might find herself quietly sidelined or excluded in ways that she can't quite put a finger on. (This is what happened to my friend, who was considered a rising star in her company with her boss's backing and then suddenly treated as persona non grata when he stopped mentoring her.)

If OP starts logging and documenting her side of the story now, she has a case if she needs it down the line.

Message as if you think it's the wife of the celeb (who I'm nosily wondering about)...

"Don't worry, Mrs Keating- I know Ronan has played away before but there's nothing going on between us, honest!"

Or something.

You are right in all that you say, but I still think that OP's best approach is not to declare hostilities until her boss does, and he may well appreciate her support and professionalism, thus enhancing her career rather than throwing her under the bus.

I rather like "doing the right thing" rather than playing politics, and in this case I think that means leaving the problem with her boss.

But I agree about logging & documenting.

HR has no responsibility for the wife, nowhere have I said they did. Their responsibility is for OP and the boss.

We can agree is that if this escalated - eg OP blocked her on WhatsApp and she contacted her via another channel/s - it should be referred to the police.

Well said

Laughing at a poster further back saying im niave....ive dealt with situations in the corporate world that would make your hair stand on end 😁

Officiousness in the first instance isn't always the way forward

Sometimes its common sense.

Really? And yet you can’t even spell naive. Anyone can claim to be Elvis on the internet.

Apologies for the typo and thanks for pointing it out. Of course it's not really the done thing on mumsnet forums to do so as it appears petty and nitpicking.

It does however give me some insight as to how you would behave in the corporate world 🤣

You do know Elvis is dead, right?

Oh no I didn’t know Elvis was dead? That wasn’t part of the joke.

Jokes are meant to be funny

They won’t be if you don’t get them.

Yeh your sense of humour whooshed right over my head

Correcting typos is more your forte perhaps?

But thank you for your input.

Because its not a minor issue a few weeks/months down the line when the relationship with your boss has soured, and when you bring up the context, HR tells you they don't think it is relevant as you have only just brought it up 'as an excuse'.

This is not an uncommon occurrence, and as HR always side with management, OP needs to cover her back.

Right 😅

Don't go to HR yet. Wait and speak with him directly and tell him what's happened so he has a chance to fix it.
I'm also shocked at the amount of people who think sharing a taxi is somehow intimate.

But how fucking awful that OP has to smooth over a domestic incident, while considering the feelings of her (presumably philandering) boss in order to keep her job (in order to be able to eat etc). How misogynistic and vile right?

MN has screeching how awful cheaters are down to a fine art when there is an other woman to pin point. But when facing up to how the behaviour of these men actually has a wider impact on other women in contact with them, its calm down, shut up and hope he's nice to you?

Why does the OP need to consider his feelings about this, to her potential detriment?

There is zero evidence of him being a philanderer. Mumsnet threads like this are rife filling in blanks and making 2+2=5.

he might be or alternatively maybe his wife has depression issues- maybe been manic depression. Maybe he’s being dealing with things for years. Maybe she’s very paranoid for no reason. Maybe all sorts of reasons that no one has any idea about. The OP has zero information about how that text came about.

I would reach out to her. If there is nothing there then you have nothing to hide. All she wants is answers to her questions, it took her a lot to even ask. Don't let her make up her own narrative because that will get out of hand and become bad. Maybe her husband is flirting with you and you don't realize it. If there is nothing to hide then why not respond?

I'm also shocked at the amount of people who think sharing a taxi is somehow intimate.

These will be the women who think that anyone who interacts with their partner in any way at all is somehow trespassing on their territory. I can only assume they have husbands who start humping the furniture as soon as they're left alone, unless they're locked up safely in their cages.

I said presumably.

But hey, lets completely ignore the point I made about the expectation OP should put her colleague and his wife's feelings above her own. Vile misogyny.

FWIW I had a boss spy on me after his wife had a stillbirth. Should I have just shrugged it off because they were both clearly having a hard time?

I’d definitely raise it with your boss on work channels so send him the screenshots on Teams like you suggested. Don’t respond to his wife and block her number. I expect he’ll be mortified by this.

Tell him you’ve blocked the number and are happy to leave it at that as it’s for him to deal with it privately but make it clear that if you hear any more from her, you’ll be taking it to HR as at that point it would be harassment.

Very sensible advice.

I'd be quite pissed off that a stranger got hold of my number by spying into someones phone without that 'someones' permission, plus she has the cheek to ask the OP for "explanations", she should be asking her husband for explanations. This woman sounds cuckoo so I would stay away from her drama and block. Understandable if she found a sex video of OP and her husband but c'mon this is a woman standing next to her husband at a work event!