Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

The posts either were not clear then or had gone off on such a tangent I misunderstood, or both.

There were quite a few people proclaiming or implying that the wife should be under the control of her husband so he's somehow responsible for her behaviour so not really a tangent. Many stereotyping, presumably because of their internalised mysoginy that the wife was assumed to be a jealous housewife with Madwomen in the Attic vibes when actually we don't know anything about the woman. Lots of defensiveness about the male boss, assumptions that he is being controlled by this "mad bitch", how could you miss all of that?

That should read, Misogyny not, "misoginy".

thats not what I got from the majority of posts.

OP deserves to have her personal data kept safe. The laxity has caused this harassment.

Well, perhaps that is because you agree with that point of view, it doesn't mean you are correct in your observations.

But you don't know it's laxity, if someone is going to take something maliciously then you can't get blamed for that.

This!

I wouldn’t engage and I would block her number.

Neither of you did anything wrong by sharing a taxi or taking a photo at a work event.

She sounds insane.

Teams message for the paper trail. HR too for paper trail so as to protect your future In The company, I would not do face to face as there’s no proof then in case you get overlooked in the future. I hope this is sorted quickly.

I would let your boss know about it and leave it there.

I need an update now. Did you take any of the advice in here? How has it worked out?

I don't suppose she will know herself how it has worked out until her boss comes back to work, which won't be until tomorrow.

Anyone else itching for Monday?

😂😂😂 feels like this thread has been going on for weeks 🙈😂

Any update on this?

Data breach. Nobody should be allowed to get the OP number from her bose's phone, because her private phone number is a personal information he should not be allowed to share with anyone, not even his wife, without an OP consent. (Yes I do understand wife took it without permission, but that is the reason he should have his phone protected by password or have separate work and private phone she would not be able to access to). Huge data breach and definitely a case to go to HR if needed.

I don't think I'd want to kick up an HR stink at this point, but it's incredibly important to have a record and a paper trail for this. Without saying too much, I've been in a position before which had an explosive potential to escalate, and I put this on record with the head of the whole area and HR without following a problem resolution framework at that stage. At a later point this provided very useful evidence and was an extremely valuable exercise in covering my own backside.

Talking to Boss about his wife would be incredibly awkward unless he brings it up first. But he should probably have the opportunity to at least be told the score: there's still a possibility that he may not be aware. If this risk is taken, it should be done with the clear understanding that OP will not be involving herself in any way with his personal business - it's crossing the line and it's beyond inappropriate. And it is a risk - he too could try drawing OP into a situation not of her making and with a clear potential to escalate. If he does so, needless to say the answer should be 'no'.

This woman has absolutely no business putting any bystander in this invidious position. To say she's out of line is far beyond an understatement.

Except she has already got 2+2 to make 5. Probably from experience. I'd contact HR and talk to him, telling him his wife is his problem and she is not going to be yours. You may need to work on the wording of that.

It's not a 'huge' data breach unless you know something we don't, have investigated this breach and you work where the OP does!

For PPs suggesting it's a data breach - from one of the OPs earlier posts it's not entirely clear but sounds to me like they swapped personal numbers so Boss's wife is looking at his personal rather than a work phone.

Prior to this event we have never had each other's numbers, we swapped them for logistical reasons, exchanged a few messages related to said event, and have not exchanged any since outside of work. We do not routinely message each other, and I'm certainly not about to start now with this going on! I think keeping things to work systems is a good idea in general.

I've been out of the UK for 10 years so am not up on GDPR and how that's changed employers duties around data protection, but would this be a data breach by Boss from the employer's perspective if Boss's wife is looking at his personal phone? From OPs post it doesn't sound like they use their personal phones routinely for work purposes and that this WhatsApp exchange was a one off.

Boss's wife taking OPs number from his personal phone and harassing her is obviously a whole issue by itself, but I'm curious about how GDPR comes into play when it's an employee's (OPs) personal phone number that's been obtained but from a personal phone rather than work systems. Does the fact that they were at a work event and exchanged personal phone numbers for work purposes (even if it was a one off) mean their personal phones are covered by GDPR?

OP swapped numbers so there's an understanding that you give permission to the other person to store your info on the phone. If boss had passed her number to others, it's one thing, but for what it's being said it seems that the wife accessed the phone without permission and got it that way. I don't see any GDPR issue worth making noise about, beyond things like you should have passwords and protect devices. OP gave her phone number for the purpose of boss being able to call her from his phone. It's not like boss then sold his contacts to a PPI claims company. It was taken by a third person with (I assume) cohercion, trickery, deceit, or unknowingly.

OP I hope you are well and it's not blowing out of proportion. Boss should understand that you had no desire to be involved and it could have indeed backfired. I hope he's not mad you didn't sort his own problems by engaging in the conversation (that would be wrong if him) and I hope he's sympathetic and feels bad about tangling you in his personal issues. He might feel embarrassed too, so it's a bit tricky because he might misdirect his emotions and rather target you and save his marriage and job status, than coming clean and either accept he has behaved / is behaving a bit dodgy with someone else and you are taking the blame, or that his wife is prone to suspicion and overreacting and is now known, or that he had indeed intentions long term and it was just stopped here, etc.

I hope he doesn't scapegoat whatever this is onto you and you have a good enough relationship with him that he wants to clear your name in both fronts. If he's not a nice person, however, this might give him a chance to deflect into you whatever it's really going on and save himself from something else. Just like when teens accept the blame for something minor just so they don't get discovered on the real bigger issue.

We have a policy that covers the use of personal phones and how work related data including colleagues phone numbers needs to be stored and kept secure. So in our firm yes, if someone gave out their personal phone number to a manager for the purposes of attending a work related event, it would be a breach of GDPR.

If two colleagues swapped numbers in order to arrange a social night out, then it would not (obviously)

I'd message back a friendly note to say that you were both at the event in a professional capacity as work colleagues & while you were sitting at the same table as your Boss you really didn't have much interaction with him & you were only in the photo as you wanted a photo with the minor celebrity & her husband happened to be there at the same time. Ask her to discuss things with her husband who you're sure will put her mind at ease & corroborate what you've said.

I don't think people who are saying 'oh just explain' have actually had such experiences. If the wife just wanted to know who that woman was, she could have asked her husband in the first place.

If someone is (whether due to past experiences or just paranoia) going through their partner's phone, checking their messages and messaging random people who are on the same photo, taken during a work event - they will not believe when they get a 'we are just colleagues' response. Highly likely it will escalate.

Exactly. From my perspective, there are certain areas of private behaviour in which I do as I like. In this instance there is nothing OP has done beyond representing the company in a professional capacity, but like hell should anyone be expected to justify that and explain their conduct to impetuous strangers.

It's an odd stance when some people are telling an OP she's morally obliged to involve herself with the intimacies of someone else's relationship merely because they've crossed a very large boundary in choosing to drag her into it. The ethos of 'supporting other women', where that may be due, evidently looks very different to different people.

I fully support OP, who has been placed into an invidious position through absolutely no fault of her own. She owes this couple precisely squat - and this is what I hope they'll get from her.

Let them sort out their own tangles, keeping them well out of his professional context. A bit of dignity and discretion wouldn't go amiss.