500 mile round trip for a dinner - we're not mad are we?

[Decisionsdecisions1]

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols.

So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be.

The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming).

My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM.

Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

My kids do a lot of sport and we HATE to miss matches, but some occasions are too important and, for me, a big family birthday like this is one of them.

I think it's very common for kids/teenagers to do sports, dancing and other hobbies which take up a very large part of their free time.

There's nothing wrong with that most of the time, and for many, it's their world and a large part of their social circle and even their identity.

However, they need to accept that, if they routinely fill every spare minute with their hobby, the hobby will be the thing that has to give when an occasional important family (or other) event comes along.

No less than three times, in three separate posts OP has stated there is no one suitable available to look after DD for the whole weekend.

At 13 she won't realise the significance of granny being 80. At that age you mark allll the 0 birthdays because - well - will she make the next one?
I was going to suggest you travel part of the way Friday, stay over, finish journey Sat am so you're not arriving at midnight. I used to drive a similar distance once a month to my aged parents and it was too much to do the journey on Friday evening.

I’m shocked at your daughters selfishness. It’s her Grandmother and she’s 80 years old. I had my Nan’s 90th a few weeks ago and all the children/ grandchildren and great grandchildren came and travelled from all over the country.

Can people stop killing off the gran. She could live another 20 years. All of my grandparents buried more than one of their children.

Well not all the grandchildren are going to this one.

Or she may not, best to make the most of the time together

I’d take DD but is there a way you can shorten the trip so she can make either her friends birthday or the dance rehearsal. 13 is a tricky age and it will be more important to her than you realise to be at these occasions and not be the one missing out. I’ve done journeys the same length there and back in a day before, London to Newcastle to visit a friends new baby. It’s not ideal but you don’t need to be there the whole weekend you could travel the morning of the meal and get the train back first thing the next day. It won’t be tiring you’re just sitting on a train!

Must have missed it - it's a long thread.

This.

shes 13 not 3.

She makes conversation with the adults, and takes a book for if she gets bored. A neurotypical 13yo should be able to understand the planet doesn’t revolve around her.

We can say that about anyone and tie ourselves up. Good way to develop anxiety.

The planet doesn't revolve round her gran either. She's already had 79 birthdays, is this one such a big deal that she'd want her GD upset? Not if she's a loving gran.

It's such a breath of fresh air to see someone that actually genuinely likes their in laws and wants to go and see them! I thought it was just me that liked my in laws (and I am fortunate enough to have great parents too) 😂
Personally I would make your daughter go, but if your MIL is not able to do much during the day, I'd compromise and arrange something that your daughter would like to do during your free time. That is if your daughter is not like my soon to be 13 year old dd who thinks everything is boring!

13 year olds sometimes have to
do what they are told. This is one of those times. She doesn’t appreciate her grandparent at that age. She will later in life.

We did similarly long journeys as kids to see family. Looking back on it they were great times. At the time I am sure I was a miserable cow. It didn’t kill me.

I think you’re missing the point that the OP wants to go and if both parents go then the daughter has no choice but to join them.

I fucking hate shite like this. It isn’t “martyring” to attend a lovely Grandmother’s special birthday meal ffs. Get a fucking grip.

She's 13. She has to suck this one up.

I know, it’s an utterly bonkers viewpoint. The epitome of immature selfishness.

They could ask a friend if she could stay for the weekend. At least let the poor girl know they've listened to her and tried

She’s 13, she does as she told, she’s got plenty time to learn how to be “independent”. And well mannered - it would be good manners to turn up to her DGM 80th with a smile on her face.
Teaching kids to do what the hell they want and to hell with anyone else and their feelings, is the route to chaos, not a kid being expected to attend an 80th party.

Oh well if that's the bar we are setting there are going to be lots of unhappy people. Do you apply it to yourself, it's ok if it doesn't kill you. I tend to aim a little higher for myself and my loved ones.

And the feelings if her friend who is expecting her at her party, does she matter?

Did you even bother to read OP’s updates before launching into another one of your mindless rants?

Why? Really, why? When OP herself has said she wants to go!

Op explained about lack of funds.