500 mile round trip for a dinner - we're not mad are we?

[Decisionsdecisions1]

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols.

So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be.

The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming).

My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM.

Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

Well, we don’t know it was for a start. But Dont you sometimes have to dip out of a social event? For example - ypu agree to go to a friend’s party and there’s a work emergency. Do you tell your boss ‘no, sorry, I have a prior engagement’? Or you agree to go to a friend’s party but someone significant dies and the funeral is the same day - still going to the party?
Some events mean you have to skip something you want to do for something you don’t. The ‘first invite wins’ rule is about not cancelling because you got a better offer, not because something important you can’t avoid crops up.

So it’s not just the parents who should prioritise a teen party - it’s the whole extended family? Nonsense.

And there will be other teenage parties and other dance rehearsals.

Of course it doesn’t work if party is on Saturday night.

The dance club is on the Friday. See OP’s post where she is looking at taking the last train on the Friday so that DD could still go to dance club.

I don’t think it’s in the least unreasonable to travel the day before the dinner and back the day after the dinner - gives time to get settled and ready (and also means any train delays don’t make them late for the dinner)

The family do can just be postponed until half term surely.

The cousins at uni don’t get half term, though they may get a reading week.

But what if the do happens at Xmas and DD has a Xmas gathering to go to with her friends? What then? Eeek!

It’s life that things clash.

The whole thing is ridiculous. 6 hrs on a train for a 250 miles trip, no cousins going but forcing a 13yr old to, 13yr old missing her friend's party. Parties at that age are important.

The parents need to organise themselves better, go on the Sat and let the dd stay one night at a friends. If not then yes rearrange the family do for when the cousins will also be there. It is not rocket science.

Bollocks. DD just needs to suck it up for one weekend in her teenage life.

Why? Her cousins don't have to to go why should she have to?

We have older relatives there is not a chance they'd expect anyone to miss out for a family do.

What her cousins are doing is irrelevant.

This is DD’s grandmother who by OP’s account is a nice person who did lots of childcare for dd in the school holidays and always made a big fuss of her for birthday and Christmas.

There are no guarantees after 80 and it’s unknown how many more birthday parties she will ever have.

DD can pull herself together and show up for her GM.

Parties at 80 are quite important too. I’d argue 13 year old ones aren't, they just feel like they are. There are 2 adult cousins. I’m sure they aren’t really the deal breaker for whether a 13 year old will have a good time. There are good reasons they can’t attend. I think your compromise has some merit and is similar to something I suggested right at the start but it does risk the parents missing the dinner if there are train issues.

They are adults with employment responsibilities.
The 13 year old has to go because the parents want to go and there’s nowhere for her to stay.

Her cousins are at university and may have exams etc, and certainly have to be in compulsory tutorials etc. It is not as simple for them to just leave university unless it is an emergency.

DD is 13 and does not have these factors and can easily go.

You sound very immature and perhaps even whiny.’Why should she’ kind of approach, a lot like a teenager. When in fact this is DD’s grandmother, and she is elderly and dd can hang out with friends etc at any time.

Dd should be taught to value these special moments with her family, if she can’t manage small talk for a few hours then this is the perfect opportunity to learn. Teaching dc to make the right decisions regardless of what others are doing is a key life skill.

They havent tried to sort out somewhere for her to stay.

We don't have the same parenting style, that's for sure.

Universities arent prisons. Students go out, visit friends, visit family. Do they have tutorials at weekends?

They haven’t anyone to ask. And if they aren’t comfortable with it that’s their right anyway. They’ll be a long way away dependent on the train system if they needed to get back. Whether you or I would be happy to ask a friend/be that far away is irrelevant.

I'm in my 70s. Parties were much more important to me at 13 than they are now, probably because I'm an adult now and I was a child then.

They have jobs. Which they need to keep in order to pay their rent. Plus they are even further away than the OP so the journey would definitely require missing some university content - against, you or I might make a different call but they are adults and it’s up to them.

You sound very immature and perhaps even whiny.
seriously? 😂

Dd should be taught to value these special moments with her family
oh please, a bunch of adults taking an elderly relative to a restaurant, it's nice but it's boring for everybody. They chose to make an entire weekend out of it, their right of course, but it's not a Hallmark movie, it's just a boring weekend, nothing "special".

I am a middle age mother, no way would I spend an entire Saturday "making small talk for a few hours" 😂, let alone force my kids to do that. Waste of everybody's time.

I might go for the weekend, but I most certainly wouldn't spend the entire day before the restaurant doing nothing. Who does that, unless they are very elderly and need their rest.

Exactly.

Maybe You’ll feel differently in another 10 years. Again, irrelevant because the OP finds this one important, wants to go and therefore the DD will have to suck it up. People are allowed to make decisions that are different from those you would make.

I might go for the weekend, but I most certainly wouldn't spend the entire day before the restaurant doing nothing. Who does that, unless they are very elderly and need their rest.

Errr… the MIL, who is elderly, hasn’t made any plans for the daytime. There’s nothing to stop OP, DH and DD doing something during the day, with or without uncles/aunts. That’s the benefit of going Friday night rather than Saturday morning .

They have just they think 2 nights is a big ask which is fine as they only need go for 1 night.

Maybe the OP was just say8ng the family won’t be doing anything with t(e old person because she needs to rest? That’s how I read it. Lots of people have suggested they do something as their own family unit that day.

But they don’t want to do that. They want to be sure they are there in time for the dinner despite the vagaries of the rail network.