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Original poster

500 mile round trip for a dinner - we're not mad are we?

601 replies

Decisionsdecisions1 · 20/10/2025 08:19

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols.

So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be.

The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming).

My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM.

Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 20/10/2025 22:21

There’s no evidence that OP told DD she could go to the friend’s party and has now gone back on it.

And honestly, which ever way round the invites happen - it’s surely obvious to most kids that their social plans can depend upon the plans of their parents. “Sorry, I can’t come any more, we’ve got to go down to Cornwall and see gran” “Sorry, I can’t come any more, mum’s taking dad to the airport and can’t give me a lift” etc etc

Zodiacrobat · 20/10/2025 22:32

ThisGentleRaven · 20/10/2025 13:15

Would an adult diner be really improved by dragging a 13yo who had better things to do but is unlucky to be the only one too young to have a say, when all the other cousins declined?

I don't believe so for a second.

As a mum, my kids well being is just as important as my MIL! and i can't see the point of the kid being there at all.

So instead of punishing my kid for something they haven't done, threatening them about all kind of nasty consequences, I would just leave them with a friend.

It's improving no one's weekend to drag her there, not hers, not her grandma, not mine. What's the actual point?

You keep saying “all the other cousins” when in fact it’s 2 cousins.

Zodiacrobat · 20/10/2025 22:35

ThisGentleRaven · 20/10/2025 13:15

Would an adult diner be really improved by dragging a 13yo who had better things to do but is unlucky to be the only one too young to have a say, when all the other cousins declined?

I don't believe so for a second.

As a mum, my kids well being is just as important as my MIL! and i can't see the point of the kid being there at all.

So instead of punishing my kid for something they haven't done, threatening them about all kind of nasty consequences, I would just leave them with a friend.

It's improving no one's weekend to drag her there, not hers, not her grandma, not mine. What's the actual point?

Would it be improved - well yes for the DGM who gets to see her beloved DGD surely?! If you can’t see that …. Confused

The “point in the kid being there” is to spend time with family.

The kid can easily behave nicely for a meal. If not then there’s something seriously wrong.

Zodiacrobat · 20/10/2025 22:42

Friendlyfart · 20/10/2025 14:18

Why aren’t the cousins going - that’s poor form. Your DD has leverage to say why should she go if they’re not.

you can read the OP updates

Zodiacrobat · 20/10/2025 23:00

TheignT · 20/10/2025 20:36

Can people stop killing off the gran. She could live another 20 years. All of my grandparents buried more than one of their children.

Average life expectancy for a female in the UK is 82.

Its not unreasonable for people to be talking about this likely being her last Big (0 digit) birthday celebration.

SheilaFentiman · 20/10/2025 23:16

Zodiacrobat · 20/10/2025 23:00

Average life expectancy for a female in the UK is 82.

Its not unreasonable for people to be talking about this likely being her last Big (0 digit) birthday celebration.

Show quote history

Exactly. And certainly less likely to be up for a dinner out on her birthday, even if she is alive at 85/90 - for health/frailty reasons

TheignT · 21/10/2025 05:42

Still killing the poor woman off. Such a cheerful approach to her birthday.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstated · 21/10/2025 07:01

ThisGentleRaven · 20/10/2025 15:11

Travelling by train is a flipping nightmare. On a lucky day, you might have the rare chance of a quiet carriage and be able to do some work or even read in peace, but most of the times, noisy travellers make it absolutely unbearable.

I could put up with being uncomfortable = and it's tiring, but it's being unable to do anything because people can't stop nattering about nonsense that kills me. If it's not between them, it's on the phone. It's painful.

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The problem is you, not other passengers. If you expect other people to travel in silence just because you don't like to hear it then that takes entitlement to a whole new level.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstated · 21/10/2025 07:14

Can't believe this is still going on....the kid is 13, she's not old enough to be left alone for the weekend, there's literally nobody else able to look after her, and more importantly, her parents want to go to her grandma's 80th birthday which, despite some of the nonsense being spouted on here, is a significant event.
Yeah, it's a shame things clash but that's life. DD will have a lot more of this, as do we all, it's a pity but it can't be helped.

No wonder we have a generation of kids coming through who believe the world revolves around them....the self-entitled superciliousness on this thread by a certain few posters is toe-curling in its embarrassment.

Wellnowlookhere · 21/10/2025 07:26

I remember sulking at 13 about having to visit relatives and miss out on my own events. I also remember these visits were some of the last times I saw them as they died soon after. She’s 13 - she has plenty of time for other plans. As for cousins not going, they are presumably quite a bit older if at uni anyway and adults - so
that is their call. My kids are made to suck it up to learn the life lesson that sometimes, we do things for others to make them happy, even if it doesn’t entirely suit us.
When did we allow children to start dictating our plans??

notacooldad · 21/10/2025 07:39

Im 60 and still get rounded up to go family events that I would rather not go to at times. However there is nothing wrong with having social obligations towards your family if there are no issues.

I always enjoyed them once I was there.
It was the same when I was a kid, I'd moan like mad, but not going was never an option. It wouldn't cross my mind to try and dip!! However nan and grandad was always pleased to see us and it in retrospect it was nice to be part of an extended family that loved you.

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/10/2025 08:24

TheignT · 20/10/2025 19:15

Usually on here we are told if you've accepted an invitation you don't back out because you get another offer. If she's accepted the invitation to her friends party she should go.

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I was thinking this

Friends party invite was first

SheilaFentiman · 21/10/2025 08:43

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/10/2025 08:24

I was thinking this

Friends party invite was first

Show quote history

Where has OP said this?

LadyTangerine · 21/10/2025 09:57

I don't think it is unusual not to want to leave a 13yr old home alone for the weekend.

However they don't actually need to go Fri night they could just go Sat am and the dd would only need to stay one night with a friend?

The cousins aren't going, it'll be dull as anything and the dd will miss her friend's party.

The family do can just be postponed until half term surely. A belated 80yr old's family get together is not the end of the world.

AnotherEmma · 21/10/2025 10:03

YANBU.

It's unfortunate that DD will miss her friend's party but it's too bad. I wouldn't be so fussed about the dance rehearsal if it's a school club and the performance isn't until next year.

Is there some kind of treat you could plan for DD during the weekend, a fun place to visit before/after the meal or en route home on the Sunday? To make the journey more "worth it" for her (even though attending the 80th bday celebration is enough of a reason).

Namechangerage · 21/10/2025 10:11

ThisGentleRaven · 20/10/2025 11:41

what I find also frightening is how many posters are incapable of imagining an independent life for their kids and teens -keeping it age appropriate of course.

It's either ALL THE FAMILY or no-one, it's just weird.

There are other threads where posters faint at the idea of leaving a 17yo home alone for a weekend.

How are all these kids going to grow up? It's not normal to insist on treating them all like toddlers, do as you are told, shut up and stay with us. Who does that?

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Why are you bringing up so many things unrelated to the thread to try and prove your point 🤣

OP has clearly explained that she has nobody to leave the 13 year old with. She and DH both really want to go, therefore the 13 year old needs to go with. what has that got to do with someone not wanting to leave a 17 year old??

You also implied the MIL is not liked by the granddaughter, even OP clearly stated she is lovely; they are close, just not geographically. It is just that the 13 year old is being, well, a 13 year old. It’s the parents job to teach her that she is not always the centre of the universe - an 80th birthday of a close relative is a perfect lesson for that. There’s nothing life altering at home that the 13 year old will miss out on.

Namechangerage · 21/10/2025 10:14

TheignT · 21/10/2025 05:42

Still killing the poor woman off. Such a cheerful approach to her birthday.

She lives 250 miles away, I think that is why people are making the point they may not spend many other birthdays with her.

ThisGentleRaven · 21/10/2025 10:17

Zodiacrobat · 20/10/2025 21:35

I fucking hate shite like this. It isn’t “martyring” to attend a lovely Grandmother’s special birthday meal ffs. Get a fucking grip.

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If that causes so much drama and people don't want to go, yes, it's being martyr to play the duty card 😂

thisishowloween · 21/10/2025 10:18

Namechangerage · 21/10/2025 10:14

She lives 250 miles away, I think that is why people are making the point they may not spend many other birthdays with her.

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OP says they often go in the holidays so it’s not like they’ll never see her again.

ThisGentleRaven · 21/10/2025 10:20

Namechangerage · 21/10/2025 10:11

Why are you bringing up so many things unrelated to the thread to try and prove your point 🤣

OP has clearly explained that she has nobody to leave the 13 year old with. She and DH both really want to go, therefore the 13 year old needs to go with. what has that got to do with someone not wanting to leave a 17 year old??

You also implied the MIL is not liked by the granddaughter, even OP clearly stated she is lovely; they are close, just not geographically. It is just that the 13 year old is being, well, a 13 year old. It’s the parents job to teach her that she is not always the centre of the universe - an 80th birthday of a close relative is a perfect lesson for that. There’s nothing life altering at home that the 13 year old will miss out on.

Show quote history

If you insist on taking my post out of the context it was written in, and ignore the posts I was replying to, I won't bother repeating myself, you can read the posts yourself 😂

You seem to take it very personally if you are still referring to it when the thread has moved on, I should be flattered 😂

thisishowloween · 21/10/2025 10:20

LadyTangerine · 21/10/2025 09:57

I don't think it is unusual not to want to leave a 13yr old home alone for the weekend.

However they don't actually need to go Fri night they could just go Sat am and the dd would only need to stay one night with a friend?

The cousins aren't going, it'll be dull as anything and the dd will miss her friend's party.

The family do can just be postponed until half term surely. A belated 80yr old's family get together is not the end of the world.

Exactly. Go up Saturday morning and they’ll be there at lunchtime, and let DD have Friday night for whatever it is she wants to do, then back home Sunday afternoon.

ThisGentleRaven · 21/10/2025 10:22

NeverKnowinglyUnderstated · 21/10/2025 07:01

The problem is you, not other passengers. If you expect other people to travel in silence just because you don't like to hear it then that takes entitlement to a whole new level.

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😂😂

Peak MN

The entitled ones are the ones who are respectful of their environment and other passengers, and not you ignoring everyone else because you need to natter loudly and disturb everybody else.

of course they are. Brilliant 😂

I bet you will be the first one moaning if a child is on a tablet playing loudly.

LadyTangerine · 21/10/2025 10:23

thisishowloween · 21/10/2025 10:20

Exactly. Go up Saturday morning and they’ll be there at lunchtime, and let DD have Friday night for whatever it is she wants to do, then back home Sunday afternoon.

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Yes they aren't even doing anything until the Sat night so why on earth go Fri when they'd don't have to Confused.
I mean yes travel can be tiring but sat on a train reading and drinking coffee not really up there with a challenging trip is it.

rookiemere · 21/10/2025 10:35

I think going on the Saturday- if DDs party is on the Friday night - is a marvellous idea. It shows DD the importance of going to family events, but also that she matters and that in these situations, compromises can often be found.

DH can still go on the Friday and OP and DD travel together on the Saturday. Often teenagers feel ganged up when both DPs are around so means they can spend some quality time together.

Of course it doesn’t work if party is on Saturday night.

FancyCatSlave · 21/10/2025 10:37

TheignT · 20/10/2025 21:49

Oh well if that's the bar we are setting there are going to be lots of unhappy people. Do you apply it to yourself, it's ok if it doesn't kill you. I tend to aim a little higher for myself and my loved ones.

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I am sure you are raising some utterly delightful little shites that are the subject of many a mumsnet thread.

I think my parenting standards are higher. Your role as a parent is not to make your children happy all of the time.

No, I am not happy all of the time. Yes I do things that I don’t enjoy because they benefit my family. All valid things to do.