500 mile round trip for a dinner - we're not mad are we?

[Decisionsdecisions1]

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols.

So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be.

The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming).

My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM.

Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

oh please, a bunch of adults taking an elderly relative to a restaurant, it's nice but it's boring for everybody.

Surely the meal is just a small part of the weekend that will only last a couple of hours, the rest of the time they will be catching up, socialising and relaxing with grandparents, maybe going out somewhere in the day. Its not all about sitting down for a 3 course meal.

My kids are adults with happy successful lives. I'm sure that will disappoint you but I couldn't care less as you are clearly being very unpleasant. Never mind it won't kill you will it.

It’s a 500 mile round trip, which is why they’re making a weekend of it. And I would imagine arriving the day before the restaurant booking is so that they can spend some time with said relative, or at least for OP to allow her DH to spend some time with his elderly mum. It’s called respect and consideration for others - something which OP is clearly trying to teach her DD and for which she is being handed her arse by some posters here. MN is really odd sometimes.

If I am in a job where there could be a work emergency, I warn my friends and family when I accept the invitation
I don't actually, but DH has one of these jobs. We do tell people he might have to be elsewhere.

Or you agree to go to a friend’s party but someone significant dies and the funeral is the same day - still going to the party?
yes, that's the same 🙄Can you find any more hyperbolic ridiculous examples.

OF COURSE, you cancel if there's a funeral - not last minute, because in this country you have a good 3 weeks warning

at the last minute if your child ends up in hospital.

Otherwise, no, it's extremely rude to dip out of social event for another social event. I said yes, but I had a better offer since, so I am going to a birthday diner instead? No I don't do that. It's interesting that you do. It's not an emergency.

If I am already booked, I offer a different date or just decline. Most people do, or no-one would ever turn up anywhere.

I have nothing to say about the OP and her plans, nothing wrong with them as such. The OP even said she wants to go!

i am not agreeing that's it's immature and that everyone would suck it up and do the same when they don't want to. IF you don't want to do something, you don't have to be martyr about it.

Like I said. It’s rude to dip out for a better offer. Not for s9 eth8ng you have to do and may not want to. Like for eg going to your 80yr old grandmother’s birthday dinner because your parents insist. Or, if you do want to go and show respect, I don’t think anyone would argue she’s choosing a more fun alternative. That’s why it’s not rude in this instance. Disappoineing, possibly for both her and her friend, but not rude.

Sometimes you do have to do things you don't want to do though. And it’s not (always) being a martyr to do so.

I disagree.

It's rude of the parents to say: we changed our mind, she did agree to an invitation, but actually she's going to a restaurant instead.

At the age of thirteen DD is too young to be left alone and there is no one suitable who can take her for the weekend. So I don’t think it’s rude to politely explain that she can’t come to the party after all because a family event has come up that she has no choice but to attend. It’s not rude, it’s life, and the notion that a thirteen year olds’ preferences should take precedence over something like this is utterly ridiculous. It’s an important life lesson - these things happen and you can’t always have what you want. Sometimes you have to compromise and put other people first.

Massively oversimplifying. No one has changed their mind. A family event has come up that takes precedence. I can’t think of a single reason why anyone would think that rude.

I assume you made a previous commitment to dance?
And now you want her to change her commitment for something none if her cousins is going to do.
Ify it would be long planned, that is different. But righ now you are telling her that her commitments aren’t important (but her cousin’s commitments are)

Can’t fathom this reply. At all.

It’s not. But you have no idea which order the invitations came in anyway. That the DD is upset because there’s a party to go to doesn’t imply it was the first invitation.

No, they aren’t. They are telling her that because she’s a child she can’t stay home alone, and therefore she’ll have to go wit( the majority and attend the weekend. The cousins are adults.

OP has explained the dance rehearsal in several updates. It’s nothing formal, just an after school club and there will be no repercussions for missing it. And the cousins commitments are important - they’re at Uni and holding down jobs to support that, and the difference is that they are adults and mature enough to make their own decisions based on circumstance. The facts as far as OP has explained them are that if DD doesn’t go one parent will have to stay behind to look after her. I don’t know anyone in our circle of friends who would allow a child this much autonomy at this age. These things happen. This is life. You can’t always have what you want, and it’s a good life lesson in respect and consideration for others.

A dance rehearsal is a commitment, no matter if its “just” after school.
Has anyone asked the grandma? both my mother and MIL would absolutely hate their grandchildren missing something important to them for a birthday dinner. They are fully aware that at 13, other things are important and don’t see themselves as the centre of the universe .
i would get a massive telling off from both of them for driving 13 hours in a weekend and dragging a 13 year old from what is important to them - so far it would ruin grandma’s birthday!

if something "comes up" when you have already made plans, yes, I stand by this, it IS rude to change your mind.

If something comes up and you are not available, you do say that you are not available.

It's VERY rare that your sister will be flying that very weekend from Australia for the first time in 10 years and it's your only chance to see her before another 10 years 😂Things happen, but come on, it's rare.

If it's a birthday diner, it can be organised another time - if it was that important, the weekend would have been booked months ago and no plans made for another birthday party.

It's not that difficult.

They may also think it’s a big ask to drop DD off at 8/9am Saturday before getting the train and not collecting her until 6pm Sunday or so, Given OP mentioned DD would have to go to friends who have weekend sports for their own kids.

Taking someone for “one night” would usually start around 4/5.

We have absolutely no idea if the friend’s party came up first or the MIL’s dinner.

Not sure why PPs are stating with such certainty that we do.

But I would be astonished if the birthday girl did anything more than an eye roll with DD about lame parents. All young teens will have had THAT moment!

Mine do, and exams.

The exception for me would be dd having friendship issues, and this party invite means a great deal for that reason?

I've just realised this is still going (I'm the OP) sorry!

It's interesting to see how the discussion veers off in different directions....I only recently realised its easy to see all the OPs posts together and would highly recommend that in long threads as keeps everyone on track as they have the same info instead of having to speculate.

It's also interesting (and natural) that people's own relationship with extended family can sometimes influence posts - I know mine do.

To settle a couple of points:

• the MiL birthday date has been in the diary for months. Dd's friends birthday was more recent but originally a different date - so dd could attend - but that friend has now had to move it, so it clashes. So dd is naturally disappointed.
• in theory we could travel up Sat morning but I'd be worried about train delays/cancellations. I also, tbh want more time with MiL rather than a flying visit. Yes thats selfish and not thinking of dd in this instance.

This thread has prompted me to think about MiL, what she's been through and dd's relationship with her. MiL lost her husband, then her own mother and was diagnosed with cancer (thankfully caught early and had the all clear after surgery and treatment), all within the last ten years. She lives alone and I know sometimes must find that hard.

Yet she doesn't complain. Doesn't moan. Gets out and about when she can, including holidays (albeit Saga type cruises designed for the elderly). When she talks about FiL its in an affectionate way with funny stories rather than maudlin.

I remember when dd was little and dd would get up at 6am and go straight into MiL's room when we visited. When dp and I finally awoke after a lovely lie in, they'd have been cuddled up reading books for hours. I remember feeing bad about this and offering to tell dd to come into us instead but MiL confessed she finds the mornings hardest as she can't get used to having breakfast alone. So she loved having dd sneak in. So I do want to be there Sat morning and Sun morning.

And this thread has also made me remember dd isn't a monster - last Xmas eve I remember getting ratty with dd for using up all the Xmas gift tags with last minute wrapping - then realised she'd use 3 tags on MiL's present because she couldn't fit it in the lovely long message she'd written on just one tag.

I don't want to always assume there's another time - it is special to us to spend MiL's birthday with her as we never do. And yes, this time I do feel dd should be a part of it. And we will tell funny stories about the time she pooed on MiL at the beach (as a toddler obvs!) and dd will pretend she's embarrassed but secretly find it funny (I hope).

Thank you all for helping me think this through and get it straight in my own head and also to remember some lovely memories.

Just being realistic that’s all

the teen probably won’t appreciate that her time is likely limited, so it’s worth a chat about it.

Op has said at least 3 times there is no one she can leave her with. The OP will know her social circle better than you!

If you’d bothered to read the OP updates, you’d see they would have to leave Friday for travel (when they may have compulsory classes) and also that they have weekend jobs as money is very tight (and we know that student jobs can be hard to come by and often zero contract).

Does rather undermine your snark when you’re just completely wrong.