Very uncomfortable with something that happened at a party

[Biggles27]

At a big black tie party. Fancy expensive hotel. Men all in dj’s, women all dressed up.

sitting at a table with some relatives including grown up dd

a man come up, pushes a ballon into my boobs I try and push him away and he pops it thus copping two handfuls. I’m gobsmacked

he comes in to do it again, I’m pushing him away shouting no. My daughter is up shouting no. He does it again. I go up to him and say there people here are allergic to latex, you are literally risking lives. He laughs and tells me to f off

dh his highly allergic to latex and he’s pushing balloons into faces and boobs

dd looks at me, says are you ok. I realise I’m nearly vomiting and run to the toilets

peopke at the table go and have words with him

dh threatens to go speak to him but I talk him down as I I could see she was beyond anger and I didn’t want him doing anything rash

i can’t see him anymore

i I rejoin table and enjoy chatting

out the blue, there’s a balloon in my face - it’s him again. I’m now so distressed I leave the party and go to my room

hubby is now apoplectic- he knows I have never ever reacted to something like this - I laugh stuff off - redirect wandering hands, deal with stuff without getting hysterical or upset. In 30 years, he’s never seen me like this and keeps saying this is assault, we should call the police - he grabbed your boobs despite you saying no

im told he’s left the party so go back down (I’m not drinking btw)

all good, go to loo and he appears in the foyer

i freeze and run back up to the room and refuse to come back down

ive refused to go to down to breakfast

not sure how I should of handled it - last night I was so distressed I just ran

I dont have much to add that hasnt already been said but the creep was a pest all night and should be reported. Ok it might not be something he would do while sober in the cold light of day but this needs nipping in the bud now. It wont be the first time he has done something like this.

Edited to say years ago I put some money in a charity box and the old guy collecting wouldnt let me take the sticker off him he then when and stuck it on my boob himself, it was a prod with his finger and he went "oops"!. I laughed it off at the time but I was embarrassed and feel quite mad now that I didnt say something and that was nothing compared to what happened to you

Yes report it to the police, it’s bad enough doing it once but he carried on after you told him not to. Chances are he will do this again.

Your husband should have stepped in on the first occasion! The second occasion the guy would have been filled in outside

WTF?
Of course she hasn’t overreacted. You encourage strangers to feel your breasts, do you?
Unbelievable.

You are incorrect.

I’m not sure what you mean by interested- for some reason it strikes me more as wanting a whether that is right or wrong conversation, which clearly isn’t possible with such nuanced a situation.
However yes, both and many more reasons I guess.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. What an utter utter scumbag. I had a few experiences of unwelcome sexual touching and also a horrific manipulative phone call (the man was arrested a couple of years later for doing similar to other girls/women) and it took me years to stop feeling ashamed, as if I had done something wrong. I know that other women have obviously been through much worse, but even the relatively minor things that happened to me left a lasting impression. These men really don’t give a monkeys as long as they get their thrills.

I agree that you should tell the police. A friend of my dad many, many years ago (late 70s/early 80s) had her bum pinched by a stranger in the street on her way home from work. She said something to him which he answered back so she carried on home, but then happened to pass a police officer. She took the officer back to the guy who admitted what he’d done because he didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. He was court ordered to see a psychologist and ended up uncovering a lot of personal childhood trauma and coming back to my dad’s friend to apologise for what he’d done. People that overstep others boundaries have deep seated issues, and unchecked, they can develop into increasingly serious assaults - not to detract from the already serious nature of what he has done to you.

I dont think OP over-reacted. In the circumstances I would not have hesitated to call him a pervert and make a huge fuss. I would ask the person in charge/management to eject him. I dont know if I would have called the police or followed it up.

Going back a few years I was travelling to an academic conference and had to take a middle seat on the plane. Something I hate. The man in the aisle seat put his hand unmistakably onto my thigh just after take off. Well he got more than I bargained for. I dug my left elbow HARD in his chest and called him a "bloody pervert" and threatened to "kigk his effin head in" He shot to his feet and stepped into the aisle. aI got into his seat, saying I would not allow him back. I pressed the alarm and alerted the cabin crew. So he is standing in the aisle with me calling him a pervert and everyone staring at him. They found him a seat elsewhere. As they led him away I was shouting "pervert" because I wanted to shame him. Later the purser came and enquired if I wished to make an official complaint. I asked if that would delay my onward flight and he explained that yes, it probably would, as the police would be waiting at the airport. I decided not to take it any further.

In the circumstances I think he probably got enough of a shock at a women retaliating so violently and shaming him. Perhaps it would deter him from trying with another woman.

Sometimes you have to pick your battles.

What the hell, there was a man at a black tie party walking around sexually harassing people and no one did anything?

Many years ago I’d have shouted , pushed him away .
Now I’d restrain myself from hitting him and would definitely report him to police

A very similar thing happened to me when I was a young woman, breasts grabbed in the street and I was so shocked I barely comprehended what had occured. Did not report it as it was back in the days when women who reported actual rape were automatically disbelieved, so I just did my best to forget about it. When I look back on my life there have been so many incidents ranging from being groped by a dodgy doctor when I was 15 through to being seriously sexually assaulted by a stranger on my way home from work. The worst thing is that there is nothing remarkable about the things that have happened to me. Women and girls should call them all out if they feel able to, why should we have to tolerate this horrible behaviour?

No, not asking for a conversation. “Interested” means just that - your outlier position of not reporting a man for SA (more to lose than to gain, misogynist roots, pointless as no charge) challenges my gut instinct to shout about it, so I’m interested in whether I can learn anything from the alternative pov.

Why on earth is the daughter more important than the OP?

Odd comment.

"I laugh stuff off - redirect wandering hands, deal with stuff without getting hysterical or upset."

Those days are gone. You did not over react. You have been assaulted. Report it.

If he's coming at you again and again, he's enjoying frightening you too. This sort of pervert needs stopping now before it escalates to worse. If you can, call the police and report a sexual assault. Ask your daughter and husband to be with you. Ask if anybody at the party has images or videos on their phones.
I'm so sorry. How upsetting when it should have been a wonderful evening. For the sake of other women, do what you can. Its never just a 'joke'. He's a filthy pervert who, if not stopped, might then go on to offend in more serious ways.

I think it's very strange that he essentially grabbed your breasts and you told him he was risking lives because some people have a latex allergy. It's by the by that if this was the case there shouldn't have been balloons there and if it was life threatening those who were allergic would have surely left the room.

This all detracts from the fact that he touched your breasts. Raising your voice to tell the room what a dirty old pervert he was would have been my first reaction and probably not my last.

It’s amazing how much abuse happens publically.
Please report it to the police. I am so sorry you’ve gone through this OP. It is disgusting and inappropriate. They will have to investigate and hopefully he gets charged.

You did not overreact. You need to call the police. Your daughter is seeing what happened and in the same situation I'm sure you would want her to not ignore/minimize and thus internalize. You did nothing wrong @Biggles27 .

I'm so sorry this happened to you

@cosimarama

"Interested in this idea that women lose more than they have to gain from reporting sex attacks to the police - is it the process of reporting that you feel is damaging because of reliving the incident? Or that they will be disappointed the report won’t lead to anything?"

Because the Police will treat you like a second class citizen (as a woman, you essentially are a second class citizen from birth). There's also always the danger that your attacker or rapist will come looking for you and finish the job. And, as you rightly say, the report won't come to anything anyway.

And that’s potentially after you’ve taken time off work etc to go in and give statements/ do line ups etc. more work and emotional drain for the victim.

Politeness and not causing a fuss has an awful lot to answer for. It gives predators a free pass. Whereas what we should be allowed to do is punch the guy in the nose at the first transgression.

Agree, personally I'd have glassed him in the face - but I'm old and couldn't care less anymore.

Please report this to the police , is this a relative?
You have experienced a sexual assault and I am so sorry.
This man should be stopped.