Very uncomfortable with something that happened at a party

[Biggles27]

At a big black tie party. Fancy expensive hotel. Men all in dj’s, women all dressed up.

sitting at a table with some relatives including grown up dd

a man come up, pushes a ballon into my boobs I try and push him away and he pops it thus copping two handfuls. I’m gobsmacked

he comes in to do it again, I’m pushing him away shouting no. My daughter is up shouting no. He does it again. I go up to him and say there people here are allergic to latex, you are literally risking lives. He laughs and tells me to f off

dh his highly allergic to latex and he’s pushing balloons into faces and boobs

dd looks at me, says are you ok. I realise I’m nearly vomiting and run to the toilets

peopke at the table go and have words with him

dh threatens to go speak to him but I talk him down as I I could see she was beyond anger and I didn’t want him doing anything rash

i can’t see him anymore

i I rejoin table and enjoy chatting

out the blue, there’s a balloon in my face - it’s him again. I’m now so distressed I leave the party and go to my room

hubby is now apoplectic- he knows I have never ever reacted to something like this - I laugh stuff off - redirect wandering hands, deal with stuff without getting hysterical or upset. In 30 years, he’s never seen me like this and keeps saying this is assault, we should call the police - he grabbed your boobs despite you saying no

im told he’s left the party so go back down (I’m not drinking btw)

all good, go to loo and he appears in the foyer

i freeze and run back up to the room and refuse to come back down

ive refused to go to down to breakfast

not sure how I should of handled it - last night I was so distressed I just ran

I hope you’ve reported him? It’s disappointing that so many people had had enough of him yet he wasn’t removed.

Usually the latter. We all know how low convictions for rape and sexual assault are.

its not black or white - report every thing or never report- it’s about the likely outcome and the stress and upset associated with it. It’s for OP to make the choice but if uninvested strangers are overwhelmingly going to tell her to do it I think it’s important to raise the considerations also.

Thank you. couldn’t edit but your last paragraph sums it up very well. I ‘knew’ the consequences of reporting either of them would likely not end well for me. Things have changed somewhat since then but not enough as we know the prosecution rates are tiny.

I seemed to have messed up quoting your post so hope you see this.

You can still go to the police OP. You have witnesses and you know who this creep is. Even if he doesn't ultimately get charged then a police interview will probably frighten the living daylights out of him which would be no bad thing.

I'm glad you have a lovely DH.

I posted up thread about my rapes. I was assaulted at 7, 12 and many times after that. I'm curvy with a large chest. It was fair game to most men. When I hit thirty I refused to be a victim anymore and it didn't happen again until I was 57 (sexual threat). I did report to the police and as he went on to rape a young colleague the matter is ongoing.
If the man is an alcoholic it's not an excuse. I was a heavy drinker but I didn't go around grabbing men's privates.
Sadly a few years ago I got stalked by an old landlord. His last act was to try to hurt my daughter. I had him arrested. I'll never regret that as she was very ill at the time and he tricked her. Pillar of the community type.
Don't think these people don't know what they're doing. It's a pattern. It gets worse. Imagine if that pervert touched a young girl. That's years of stress.
Report online and see what happens.
Sexual assault is very much on the police radar.

He’s tried to hide sexual assault behind something ‘funny’ so you feel too embarrassed to report it, and so it’s easy to minimise. It’s not funny at all, it’s aggressive and disgusting behaviour. I bet it’s not the first time. Please do report to the police if you feel comfortable to do so.

Interested in this idea that women lose more than they have to gain from reporting sex attacks to the police - is it the process of reporting that you feel is damaging because of reliving the incident? Or that they will be disappointed the report won’t lead to anything?

Report him. He continually behaved badly. Nail him.

Not RTFT but at @ThroughTheRedDoor has nailed it. This with bells on:

“ThroughTheRedDoor · Today 10:35

Fuck me. He sexually assaulted you in a room full of people and not one of them phoned the police or punched him (I don't advocate this, but I would like to think that of all the reasons men get punched, this would be one of them) or chucked him out?
AND theyre minimising it now because it might upset the host?
I tell you who should be upset...YOU! And everyone should be running round making sure you're ok and asking what you'd like to do in terms of reporting it.
Your dh was the only decent bloke there. Im so sorry for you. You are not over reacting. At all. If anything you're under reacting. Hope you're as ok as you can be.”

I cannot begin to imagine how this was allowed to go on. I don’t understand why bystanders, including your husband, didn’t intervene. My husband knows i can look after himself but he would still get involved as well.

It’s NOT your job to play nice or smooth things over when you’re sexually assaulted. It’s not fun or a joke unless everyone is having fun/laughing. It sounds like you’ve spent decades underreacting in order not to cause discomfort and i think you underreacted here. It’s NOT your job to make everyone feel better. As PP have said, you know you wouldn’t have let him touch your DD like this. Same rules apply to you, OP. You are worth protecting.

You know what gets me about this. Is your first thought to stop was to site allergies and not that you’ve been groped!!! You’ve obviously tried your best to down play this but this guest is an arsehole and should not be touching you boobs Joke or not.

I think reporting him to the police is the right thing to do. Remember what Gisele Pelicot said - shame needs to change sides.

It’s so difficult in current times that there are still men like this walking amongst us. What was he thinking?! It’s like something someone would do in the 70s during the Benny Hill era. Totalling inappropriate. I would have shouted at him and exposed to everyone there what he was doing. Possibly even got senior management involved to get him thrown out. What twatty behaviour!

I'd call the police. It probably won't go very far, but it will scare the shit out of him.

You did not overreact. You were sexually assaulted and menaced by a fucking horrible piece of shit. Please consider calling the police and reporting him. I hope you're beginning to recover somewhat from the shock. That sounds like an truly awful experience. Big hugs.

Hi OP I’m so sorry you’ve been through that, and would join the others on this thread urging you to report him to the police.

I’m so sorry to everyone else who has been sexually assaulted too 💐

I considered ignoring the man who flashed me and pretending it didn’t happen, but I thought of poor Sarah Everard and rang the police. It turned out I wasn’t the only one he’d done it to that day, and he was found and sent back to prison - he’d recently been released after serving time for grooming a child.

We need to channel Gisèle Pelicot and remember that all guilt and shame belongs only to the men who commit these crimes, and not to their victims.

Hope you're okay OP. Agree this is def worth reporting if you feel up to it. Low life scum needs to learn a lesson and the host needs to be aware how awful this creature made his guests feel. Don't get anyone minimise what happened.

The host of this party needs to understand that he invited a criminal to his party who assaulted another guest. Why the hell isn’t the host on your side? They are not your friend

Gosh, I wonder why OP didn't want to go to breakfast?

You’re not over reacting at all OP. Sexual assault under the guise of ‘just a bit of fun’. And you’re right about the latex allergy. I have quite a severe reaction to even brief contact with latex and quite apart from the appalling behaviour, it’s bloody irresponsible too. I’d have reported it.

Please please report this to the Police OP. This is just awful.

Why wasn’t this animal ejected?

I don’t know

OP please please report him to the police. And let it be known that you have done this. You have witnesses too.

In your position, I could probably deal with it mentally (I’m a v tough old bird) but, like you, I have a daughter. If he had targeted her, she would have been utterly devastated, being young and quite vulnerable in some ways (anxiety/depression). I cannot begin to imagine the damage that would be done to her psyche by this creep. Please, for the sake of others who are more vulnerable, get the police on this cunt.

If he can do this, in full view of other people, god knows what he is capable of.

Exactly. I'd want to know why the host didn't have him thrown out.