Is it wrong to ask for money for doing this?

[Suffolksettler]

For context:- My parents are elderly (in their early 80's) and whilst dad is in good health both physically and mentally sadly mum is not. She has various issues including advancing dementia and spends every day sitting in her recliner watching tv or snoozing.

We have carers come in 3 times a day for around 20 minutes each time. Over the last 6 years I have been going round to my parents house (they live just around the corner from me) approx 5 days a week to help. Last year I gave up work to help dad as he was really struggling.

Dad feels trapped, he moans constantly that he has no time to himself but refuses to ask the carers to come more as he says it costs enough as it is. He will not pay for a sit in service as these are usually around £20 per hour. As I say, I go round most week days and often one day at the weekend.

Unfortunately with the cost of living rising I have no choice but to return to work as money is getting tight. I have been offered some work which initially will be two days a week and potentially more at a later date. I really need the money.

Dad wants to go back to golfing on a Friday but unfortunately that is one of the days I will be returning to work so DD17 has offered to sit with mum, make her lunch, let the carers in at 2pm and do some housework and keep mum company, mum is really good and never causes any hassle. Dad will be away from 12.30-4.30. I have suggested that he pays dd £30, this will give her a bit of pocket money, she is at college Mon-Wed. She has been desperately looking for a part time job but to no avail, teen jobs are so hard to find in our area.

However, my dad is moaning and says this is a lot of money and ideally he would like dd to sit with mum on a Thursday as well, for that 'kind' of money. I have said no because a) I already sit with mum on a Thursday whilst he goes food shopping and grans some lunch, b) dd is a college Mon-Wed and needs several days a week to revise and study and c) most paid for sit in services charge at least £20 per hour and they would be strangers, at least mum knows dd and is comfortable with her so surely £30 isn't too much to ask for 4 hours? Dad keeps 'joking' that we are ripping him off!

For what it is worth my parents are very well off with hundreds of thousands of pounds in the bank.

Is it mean of us to ask for this £30 for dd to give up 4+ hours of her time? I am feeling quite guilty that I suggested it now.

I've already expressed my reservations about her doing it all upthread. Whereas your post seemed to me to be saying she should do it because that is what family does.

<<wondering if it's worth pointing out that parents choose to become parents, and have by law to care for their children, not the other way round. Nah, some posters are too thick to comprehend>>

no it's fair.
i think I started to feel that as soon as you mentioned golf
be firm
these old people can 'get round' one
a bit like kids try
(I speak from experience) !!!

OP, your Dad sounds like a typical bloke. They only think of themselves and how everything affects them. Tell him to fork out for professional carers or forget about his sodding golf. If he had any decency he'd offer your DD money without even asking, especially as he's got hundreds of thousands in the bank.

My god your father is miserable..when my Mam was alive my daughters were doing plc courses..we live in ireland..1 or both of them would go out to her on a weds on their day off..she paid their bus fare,they cleaned for her,ironed made food for her and helped her garden..she paid alot more than this and I'm talking 10 years ago now as she suddenly passed away 7 years ago..he should be very grateful for his granddaughters help and be willing to pay her xx

30 is not a lot he is lucky your dd is doing it, tell him if he’s not happy and keeps moaning to make his own arrangements.

Please ignore the ignorant people posting who've never cared for a family member to this degree. You've already been doing so much, been suffering mentally and financially.
Please also don't pander to your dad who seems happy for females to provide free or barely paid labour so he can go golfing.
I'd be inclined to reduce visits so they're less intense and only about doing lovely things for your mum. Just temporarily. Let him see what it's like if you guys withdraw help even just got a little bit.
Then he can see how easy golfing will be.

No one is denying its stressful for him, but he's got the money for making their life easier and to ease things for you, and he's being a complete tightwad.

I cared for my mum 3 years in my home with beginning of Alzheimer's and it was very hard. She completely agreed with carers , cleaning and we made lovely memories, when it was time to move to a care home she didn't care about the cost and nor did I because it was important to have quality care. Others were annoyed I had 'benefitted' from caring for her, whilst never lifting a finger and doing bare minimum. Later they suggested moving her 'up north later when she doesn't know who we are so it saves money'.
I can't describe how that felt.
Please don't let this take everything out of you, your dad will have to face that carers are just as important as golf.

@Suffolksettler Live-in carer for elderly parent with dementia here. If your mum gets AA and you are doing 35 hours a week, are you claiming Carer's Allowance? It's a pittance at just over £83 per week, but it does pay your Class 1 NI contributions. There's also Carer's Credit if you do less than 35, but more than 20. You can claim CA and earn up to £196 a week.

Has your father claimed SMI for Council Tax? Your mother should be disregarded and CT is discounted. It is usually backdated to date of diagnosis if you provide the paperwork. He could use that to pay your daughter if he hasn't already claimed.

BTW, you're doing a great job. No judgement here. Until you are living it, the internal conflict and struggle is hard to comprehend.

I hope you are successful in your bid for respite. Just done it myself, highly recommended.

Ive been in this situation no its not a lot to ask if you was to ask your patents to babysit regular they would want payment so i think its fair if anything i would have said £10 per hour family or not care is careand if hes begrudging paying for it then give up golf

OP has looked after her mum for 5 years without payment. Since her mum's dementia got much worse after she was hospitalised following a fall, OP has needed to change her mum's adult nappies. I hardly think that OP lacks morals. You, on the other hand, are coming across as judgemental and spiteful.

For him to be comfortable when his time comes, presumably. What about your poor mum? It sounds like she may be more comfortable in a care home.

My dad died in September, aged 90, and I cared for him for 6 years. He had dementia, heart failure and frailty as well as a host of other medical problems. I went everyday and my brother lived with him, so between us we managed. I went part time so I could look after him. After a fall, when he lost all mobility, he spent his last few months in a lovely nursing home. I still want at lunchtime everyday and stayed til around 9pm, talking to him, watching football with him, reading to him, feeding him and helping with his medication. My brother came most evenings after work and on his days off. My dad could get paranoid and quite agressive at times and having us there helped calm him. It was exhausting. I don't regret caring for him and feel very priveliged to have done so, but it does take it out of you. I am now wondering what to do with all my spare time, and feel guilty sometimes that we didn't keep him at home, but I know it was for the best. He received good care, and he's now at peace.

My dad would moan all the time about "how bad I was with money" without any real knowledge of modern living costs he had no mortgage to pay, to extra TV channels, wifi, mobile phone (was happy for me to buy & pay the bill so he had one) etc I asked him one day "how much does a mars bar cost" he said 30p. He was absolutely shocked when I told him the real price. He didn't check prices when shopping could just buy what he wanted & the same with bills didn't need to budget at all. Does your dad realise just how much stuff costs? £30 really isn't a lot of money, maybe he thinks as she's family she should just do it, perhaps you need to get some quotes from the care company for the level of support your DD will provide & he'll see he's getting a very good deal

I have told my father today that dd will not be sitting in with mum, he will need to find a sit in service or ask one of the carers if he wants to take up his golf again.

I meant for part time work now.

Good, stick to your guns!

I know you don't need to charge family but the poster is already helping her parents without asking for money, and gave up work. It's to help her daughter, his granddaughter. I can't help but think he's so tight for not wanting to give her it to help her when she's just young and finding her way. To give up that time and also give him time, and save money on paying for someone else to do it.

Tell him to pay minimum wage - which at her age is £30.20.

£30 is absolutely nothing. Your dad is taking the piss.

Have you ever got properly angry with him? Told him what a rude, entitled, ungrateful sod he is?

Well done for sticking to your guns. He sounds like yet another entitled man who believes women exist to support his lifestyle for free.

Them paying your DD what would have been a relatively trivial sum to them was a fair and practical solution so it's a shame he won't see this.

No teenagers do not have a weekly commitment to work in their grandparents house for free

Do you claim carers allowance? What about attendance allowance?

I dont think anyone, even the OP disagrees with you in principle - just that at her daughters age she needs a part-time job to earn some independent cash. Looking after Gran could stop that being possible so would need a little recompense. Completely think the money is fair in this instance.

My parents rarely looked after my DC so that's a moot point.

Yes, I have - often. My father is quite a difficult man. He often fails to see other people's points of view. I have been suffering with a few chronic health issues over the years which have been exacerbated by stress. The other day he wanted to give up on the idea of respite and I told him we really needed to do this because I'm feeling exhausted and stressed. He looked at me and said 'What on earth have you got to be stressed about? I'm the one living with it 24/7'. He only sees his own grief in all of this which I do understand but it does greatly impact on everyone else's life's.

He genuinely believes my sister and I can simply shelve our emotions over this as soon as we leave their house. He has no idea they are the last thing I think about when I go to sleep and the first thing I think about upon waking.