Is it wrong to ask for money for doing this?

[Suffolksettler]

For context:- My parents are elderly (in their early 80's) and whilst dad is in good health both physically and mentally sadly mum is not. She has various issues including advancing dementia and spends every day sitting in her recliner watching tv or snoozing.

We have carers come in 3 times a day for around 20 minutes each time. Over the last 6 years I have been going round to my parents house (they live just around the corner from me) approx 5 days a week to help. Last year I gave up work to help dad as he was really struggling.

Dad feels trapped, he moans constantly that he has no time to himself but refuses to ask the carers to come more as he says it costs enough as it is. He will not pay for a sit in service as these are usually around £20 per hour. As I say, I go round most week days and often one day at the weekend.

Unfortunately with the cost of living rising I have no choice but to return to work as money is getting tight. I have been offered some work which initially will be two days a week and potentially more at a later date. I really need the money.

Dad wants to go back to golfing on a Friday but unfortunately that is one of the days I will be returning to work so DD17 has offered to sit with mum, make her lunch, let the carers in at 2pm and do some housework and keep mum company, mum is really good and never causes any hassle. Dad will be away from 12.30-4.30. I have suggested that he pays dd £30, this will give her a bit of pocket money, she is at college Mon-Wed. She has been desperately looking for a part time job but to no avail, teen jobs are so hard to find in our area.

However, my dad is moaning and says this is a lot of money and ideally he would like dd to sit with mum on a Thursday as well, for that 'kind' of money. I have said no because a) I already sit with mum on a Thursday whilst he goes food shopping and grans some lunch, b) dd is a college Mon-Wed and needs several days a week to revise and study and c) most paid for sit in services charge at least £20 per hour and they would be strangers, at least mum knows dd and is comfortable with her so surely £30 isn't too much to ask for 4 hours? Dad keeps 'joking' that we are ripping him off!

For what it is worth my parents are very well off with hundreds of thousands of pounds in the bank.

Is it mean of us to ask for this £30 for dd to give up 4+ hours of her time? I am feeling quite guilty that I suggested it now.

Then my apologies to you - you are a complete saint and I am obviously not.

Personally, I think it is a fair price for the time your DD is prepared to commit. Dad is being a scrooge and not looking beyond his bank balance……does he want to be the richest man in the graveyard?

Ashamed as you're trying to guilt the OP, saying it's "disgusting". You know exactly what you were doing. Nasty.

I’m not judging you!
I just don’t think your daughter should be asking for the money. Like you said, you gave up a lot yourself and never charged!
if you feel your dd should ask then that’s fine, we don’t have to agree and I respect that. But you did ask for opinions. This is mine even if you disagree

OP has said that he never helped his own elderly parents when they needed it. OP gave up her job to care for her mum and is only going back to work now as she needs the money. OP did this for free for years and it must have saved her parents thousands through not needing to pay for carers.

He sounds mean and penny pinching, apart from when he is spending money to enjoy himself.

OP's dad is the disgrace, not OP.

Fuck that. OP has said that a) her dad didn't ever help his own elderly parents and b) the money that he is hoarding came from her mum's inheritances from her own family. The person who lacks morals in this scenario is OP's dad.

Op isn’t the one getting the money so why should she feel guilty? We’re talking about her daughter.
i don’t think my opinion is nasty - you don’t charge to sit with grandma four hours a week. If you disagree then that’s okay but that doesn’t make me nasty.

A simple yes or no would suffice. To tell me you think it's disgusting IS judging me .

Your dad should be offering, that’s the point, just the lack of gratitude. He regards his time as more valuable.

I would take this as your cue to step well back. Your DF has zero appreciation of the fact that you have given up paid employment to support him and is now trying to take advantage of your DD. He should want to give money to his own DGD for helping out for goodness sake. DS goes up to visit DGF once a month and take him out for a quick lunch whilst DMs carers are there, and he never returns empty handed.

I would tell your DF that the offer is off the table and he will need to make his own arrangements if he wants to go to golf. Oh and you are going to be job hunting so going forward you can no longer do certain days ( would pick anything that allows him to go out). Unfortunately your DM needs to be in residential care and you need to earn a living for your own retirement so you have to force the issue.

I think golf costs plenty and he can stay in and count his pennies on Friday if he really thinks 4 hours of care isn’t worth £30. I wouldn’t risk him upsetting your daughter.

OP was an unpaid carer for her mum for over 5 years. She has only stopped now because she needs to work for money. Her dad is a miser and the money is actually her mum's from her inheritances, not his, although he is the only one spending in on golf. Her dad also provided absolutely no help to his own elderly parents.

You are the horrible one, not OP.

Ask him how much a round of golf costs him? He will probably have a drink and something to eat there as well. So membership, green fees, food, drink…..

And remind him that £30 for four hours is less than the minimum wage. Ask him if he thinks he can find someone else to do it for that.

So your dad is happy to spend £££? on himself playing golf, but begrudges spending any money on your mum, be that on carers or your dd.

How nice of him.

Pop in at odd times no charge. Being expected to turn up regularly to stay a set amount of time, be responsible for someone andf do set stuff, deffo charge.

This is what I have been saying during my counselling sessions. It's the lack of gratitude that really stings, I know we shouldn't expect anything when helping elderly relatives but my dad has never once said thank you to me. I won't lie, it hurts.

Right, I'm off now to sit with mum so dad can go food shopping. They don't have great service round at theirs so I won't be able to reply.

Thank you for your replies and opinions. I have made the decision not to get DD involved. Dad will have to pay the carers (at £25 ph) or we will have to get a sit in service involved.

I really don’t understand older people who just sit on large sums of money that could make a real difference to their children and grandchildren.

Why can’t your DF do his shopping online ?

“Family should go out of their way to help each other” should extend to him also “helping his family” by financially reimbursing them for the hours of work and care they give.

Otherwise he believes “family should go out of their way to help ME, for free” because that’s just what families do. He isn’t at all interested in how strained you are, your struggles or your DD’s struggles. Not really helping family is it.

I think that yes this is what family do for each other, but if he's wanting it to be a routine thing as an alternative to paid care and it's stopping other people from working in order to do it then I think it's fine to ask for a contribution towards that. And yes, £30 is very reasonable provided they can afford it. I think it's important not to look at it as him swanning off for golf because people who are looking after spouses with dementia etc still have the right to socialise and have hobbies and protect his mental health as its a hard thing to go through and is probably taking a lot from him as well. I think if you're going to look for payment then you need to detail exactly what is expected for this, the regularity and it needs to be treated as a job eg not being late/ leaving early/ sitting on the phone etc. Otherwise you're just visiting as opposed to actively caring.

If you DF is baulking at paying your DD £30 for an afternoon, how is he going to react to the care home fees which sound like they will be an inevitability as your DM deteriorates.

My mum who died last month was paying £2185 a WEEK (£113,620 per annum) for her care home. If your parents have assets they will be expected to pay for this themselves.

I actually think your DF is being quite selfish and a bit entitled here. You have sacrificed a lot to help out your parents, yet he still sees his weekly golf as his right to enjoy while someone else picks up the slack, preferably for free! If he wants to be able to do everything he wants, exactly when he wants to he should be looking at full time residential care for your mum, not expecting the rest of the family to be run ragged.

Oh god what is it with these tight old men and not spending their money.
Im another one with a dad who has plenty of money to pay for a cleaner and gardener (he has a large garden) but expects me to spend lots of time doing it for free. What with chores, taking him to numerous medical appointments and doing all his admin it’s almost a full time job.
You have my sympathy.

Your father is lucky he has help from hus family. Tell him to pay your daughter. Or he pays extra for the carers. You can't give up your whole life to look after your mum.

Yep. And to that end, I'm judging @nosleepforme.

Anyway no you weren't in the wrong at all OP. What you were proposing was a set regular timeslot rather than something DD could do as it suited her, and that makes all the difference.

I would also agree that it sounds like DM will need a care home sooner rather than later. Solidarity, I too have had a relative with severe dementia.