Is it wrong to ask for money for doing this?

[Suffolksettler]

For context:- My parents are elderly (in their early 80's) and whilst dad is in good health both physically and mentally sadly mum is not. She has various issues including advancing dementia and spends every day sitting in her recliner watching tv or snoozing.

We have carers come in 3 times a day for around 20 minutes each time. Over the last 6 years I have been going round to my parents house (they live just around the corner from me) approx 5 days a week to help. Last year I gave up work to help dad as he was really struggling.

Dad feels trapped, he moans constantly that he has no time to himself but refuses to ask the carers to come more as he says it costs enough as it is. He will not pay for a sit in service as these are usually around £20 per hour. As I say, I go round most week days and often one day at the weekend.

Unfortunately with the cost of living rising I have no choice but to return to work as money is getting tight. I have been offered some work which initially will be two days a week and potentially more at a later date. I really need the money.

Dad wants to go back to golfing on a Friday but unfortunately that is one of the days I will be returning to work so DD17 has offered to sit with mum, make her lunch, let the carers in at 2pm and do some housework and keep mum company, mum is really good and never causes any hassle. Dad will be away from 12.30-4.30. I have suggested that he pays dd £30, this will give her a bit of pocket money, she is at college Mon-Wed. She has been desperately looking for a part time job but to no avail, teen jobs are so hard to find in our area.

However, my dad is moaning and says this is a lot of money and ideally he would like dd to sit with mum on a Thursday as well, for that 'kind' of money. I have said no because a) I already sit with mum on a Thursday whilst he goes food shopping and grans some lunch, b) dd is a college Mon-Wed and needs several days a week to revise and study and c) most paid for sit in services charge at least £20 per hour and they would be strangers, at least mum knows dd and is comfortable with her so surely £30 isn't too much to ask for 4 hours? Dad keeps 'joking' that we are ripping him off!

For what it is worth my parents are very well off with hundreds of thousands of pounds in the bank.

Is it mean of us to ask for this £30 for dd to give up 4+ hours of her time? I am feeling quite guilty that I suggested it now.

I think your father (and most of the posters here) have missed the point that your daughter needs a job. That job could be sitting with your mother or something completely different, but she doesn’t have time to do both.

If he doesn’t want to pay her then he needs to understand she will have to work elsewhere or he could see it as a win for everyone. He will get to go and play his expensive game of golf and pay a reduced rate for someone to sit with his wife, your daughter will earn a bit of money and spend time with her grandmother and your mum will enjoy a bit more time with another family member.

I don’t think she should be paid for sitting with her nan. I’d literally do anything for my nan. However, if it interferes with her taking paid employment that she needs your father needs to accept this.

Sounds like a good solution to me to help your Dad get out and also your daughter to earn some money. He's being mean quibbling at paying £30 for 4 hours work.

Tell him if he doesn’t agree to £30 then you will advise DD to charge the going rate of £20ph.

your dad is being mean and tight fisted. I guess that is why he has money in the bank!!

encourage DD to know her value and politely but firmly tell him it is a good price for him to play golf.

The whole family lacks morals then.

Sorry no tips or advice but you sound like a saint. I suspect that you don’t have the spare time or cash to go and play golf! Please just think about that what your dad is demanding that you facilitate his hobby.
selfish and unhappy people can make you feel guilty for absolutely anything. Why didn’t you win the lottery to help them? Why didn’t you have 97 children who could provide a rotating support and care system. Why didn’t you go to medical school and develop a cure for dementia? The requests will always be utterly unreasonable as the source is misery and a self centred embittered attitude. I’m thrilled you have a supportive counsellor. Sound like you need one. X

Is it moral to be so judgemental of different family circumstances?

How much does his golf cost per visit? Surely membership + a game + food + drink + petrol money + clubs and balls is a helluva lot more than £30 a week?! Ie more than £1,560 a year?

ask him how much his membership costs and a game?

When did he last buy A set of golf clubs and how much were they?

@Algen I can’t imagine taking money to sit with a family member.

Well, lucky you.

Yes. Lucky me

But the daughter needs a job and her grandparents need another carer for when he plays golf.

Maybe you're not short of money but this family is and OP is already giving her parents loads of her time for free. No reason her child should do so too, not when she is actively looking for work.

I think it's the right call not to get DD involved - bet your DF would cancel the care visit when she was there or something, as he seems to think he should get more out of DD for any money paid!

Being paid for house work isn't so bad. Being paid to sit with your gran makes me feel very uncomfortable. I could not accept money for this. Do you plan on charging your DD for childcare if she has children? Did your parents charge you for childcare?

Lots of people don’t expect childcare from their parents.

Your dad is incredibly out of touch and being very mean. He needs to pay your daughter and I would suggest more than £30.

I've supported my children in their volunteering for years. I would not let my 17 year old full time student commit an entire afternoon every week to being an unpaid carer.

Our local young carers charity supports young carers until their 19th birthday. They work with them to mitigate the significant impacts being a young carer has on their opportunities in life, and give a break from the significant extra burden they carry. Being a young carer affects their exam results, their chances of going to uni, it puts barriers in their way with learning to drive, do hobbies, make and maintain friendships. We all want to bring up our children up to be nice, generous, considerate adults but asking a sixth former to commit a whole afternoon every week on top of being a student - and sacrifice any hope of getting a job because she wouldn't have time for that on top - would be effectively electing to turn her into a young carer. There is so much more to this than #bekind.

Maybe OP wouldn’t be asking for her DD to be paid if she had her own income. It’s worth remembering that OP has sacrificed paid employment and NI contributions presumably to prop up this arrangement and allow Grandad Scrooge McDuck to continue to count his money.

They are not her responsibility
Your dad is taking the piss ,
Pay her properly, £40 per day is more acceptable,or your dad pays the carers instead for more hours ,or misses his golf

I find the concept of young carers completely wrong and believe it should be outlawed.

Op
Don't get yourself in a financial mess to help them out ,or assuming their money will come to you .
I know of a few people where every penny went on care home fees

Ask him how much his round of golf is!

What would £30 do to reduce that burden? If I thought my DC would be disadvantaged in education, learning to drive, making and maintaining friends they wouldn't be at all.

Would you DF accept a live in carer? Especially if he is saving up for care home fees, you could sell it as being like a care home, but at home.

If he thinks he is already paying a lot for care with three visits a day, I shudder to think what he'd say to the full time cost!