Menu (or other, even!) descriptions that make you cringe

[Serendipetty]

'Creamy' when used to describe mayonnaise. It's eggs and oil.

'Lashings of' as in 'Help yourself to lashings of ketchup' who thinks this stuff up?

Admittedly it is the cheaper places usually but I am not a snob-I love a cheap and cheerful meal, not least because I am a vegan and the chain places are unfortunately far better equipped to cater/have choice.

'On a bed of noodles'. No, no it isn't.

'Smothered with cheese'.Slathered is even worse.

I hate overly descriptive ones too. It's a simple pasta dishI don't need 'this meal will take your cravings away and satiate your hunger until next sunset! Let's try to describe the infused carrot strands, creamy peanut sauce and subtle hint of spice that will send your tastebuds through a door to Narnia!'Just tell me what's in it?!

'A Happy Hint of....' Just what?

Anyway, that's today's rant for me.

All this ‘hand cut chips’ or ‘hand stretched pizza’ nonsense. Does the chef want a bloody medal?
I saw something served with ‘tangy’ soy sauce the other day. If you don’t already know what soy sauce tastes like then you have no place eating out with the grown-ups!

If you are a woman in said novels, it's necessary to pad round your apartment whilst wearing an oversize shirt belonging to your effortlessly handsome boyfriend. Always the oversize shirt...

I also hate "drained" in these books, as in "she drained her coffee cup". Makes me think of a horrible smell and awful sucking sound!

I know it's not menu-speak, but 'munching' is a terrible word. See also 'chomping'.

And both ‘yum yum’ and ‘nom nom’ or ‘om non nom’ or any iteration of either are criminal.

They're often found 'curled up' with a good book as well.

They all have superfluous detail, adjective diarrhoea and a cookie cutter format. I can't help wondering if AI wrote these novels. Maybe it's been around longer than we thought 🤔

A fryer.

Anything ‘pulled’ usually pork, upsets me.

The term “Sweet Treats” used for cakes/desserts makes me cringe

One that really grates with me - “Morning Coffee” phrased in the same way as Afternoon Tea. “Oooh we stopped at a lovely cafe for Morning Coffee”
Afternoon tea is a specific thing, with sandwiches/cakes etc, whereas Morning Coffee is just a drink you have before 12pm! If you just had a cuppa in the afternoon, it wouldn’t be afternoon tea, it’s just a cuppa!

Small thing that really winds me up 😂

Also, can I take a moment to ask why Nduja is on everything? It’s just fat and regret. Salami is a valid choice - nduja belongs in the bin.

‘Eaterie’. I have a friend who uses this a lot, and it always makes me cringe for some reason.

And from estate agents, the phrase ‘close to local amenities’. Of course it’s close to local amenities, otherwise they wouldn’t be local!

.

The term cooked to your liking makes me want to leave.

Oh lordy yes.
'Buttery soft tights' I have seen recently.

😂
One of my exes used to, when we were out to eat, look at the menu for me and then read out the entire description. Bonus points if it were a place that over-described everything, an adjective salad if you will.

'Ooh why don't you have this!? Locally sourced pasta with creamy sauce, locally sourced wanky ingredient 1 with mushrooms found in the local virgin's back yard, on a bed of thickly thatched spaghetti and foamy this that and t'other'

I'd sit there cringing like, I can read! Will you please shut up!?😂

Locally sourced can just as easily mean 'the chef nipped out to the Co-op for these sausages and picked up the usual jar of caramelised onion whilst he was at it'.

In the restaurant I worked at, we did a roaring trade in freshly made on the premises ice creams and ice cream desserts. I made all of them during my shift - I started with pouring the cartons of ice cream mix into the machine, then emptied the packet of bits of brownie into the metal tub, next to the one that held the contents of massive tins of peaches, then topped up another one from the bag of bits of broken 99 flakes.

And if anybody ever thinks sous vide is a good thing - you're buying boil in the bag as sold frozen, delivered by Brakes Brothers and shoved in the back of the walk in freezer for the last three months (or six if it's 'seasonal').

I hear your "om nom nom" and raise you "nommy".

I want a descriptive menu. It's all part of eating out

Pp already mentioned the ridiculous EVOO. A similarly irritating hipster abbreviation is "guac".

Monster 🤣

'Nestled' = chicks nestling in a nest.

Have they actually thought about what it's like in a nest full of baby birds? All feathers and shit and twigs, with an aroma to match.😂

Food described as dirty or junk yard puts me right off.

Ah, now there I have to disagree with you about the 'British' thing.

I'd much rather know that the green beans I'm purchasing are grown in Britain rather than Guatemala because I care about air miles and the carbon footprint of what I'm eating. Aside from that, the shorter the distance it has travelled from field to supermarket, the fresher it is likely to be.

Oh. Deconstructed anything. It’s not semiotics, ffs.

"All the trimmings" can fuck off

Also "washed down with*. Ew