Menu (or other, even!) descriptions that make you cringe

[Serendipetty]

'Creamy' when used to describe mayonnaise. It's eggs and oil.

'Lashings of' as in 'Help yourself to lashings of ketchup' who thinks this stuff up?

Admittedly it is the cheaper places usually but I am not a snob-I love a cheap and cheerful meal, not least because I am a vegan and the chain places are unfortunately far better equipped to cater/have choice.

'On a bed of noodles'. No, no it isn't.

'Smothered with cheese'.Slathered is even worse.

I hate overly descriptive ones too. It's a simple pasta dishI don't need 'this meal will take your cravings away and satiate your hunger until next sunset! Let's try to describe the infused carrot strands, creamy peanut sauce and subtle hint of spice that will send your tastebuds through a door to Narnia!'Just tell me what's in it?!

'A Happy Hint of....' Just what?

Anyway, that's today's rant for me.

Line caught river trout (wtf? Just say trout)
Hens egg (fgs its an egg. I could understand the distinction if it were a duck or quail egg but normal egg needs no differentiation!)

This is usually on the menu with pan fried and hand cooked nonsense

Oh god, their worst one is crunchy tomatoes! Why on earth would that be the best thing about a tomato?!

The cringe when a dining companion orders by reading the precise words off the menu. MIL does this and it’s excruciating.
“ooh I’ll have the oven roasted Gloucester spot pork with crispy crackling sprinkled with thyme salt served on a bed of what is that now col con an what is that is it potato oh well that sounds fancy with roasted local honey carrots and a red wine jusss is that oh I don’t know these posh ways of saying gravy I suppose’

AAGH! JUST SAY ILL HAVE THE PORK!

I used to go out with someone who did this and it drove me insane. Even worse, he would talk about how awful it was when some would just say "I'll have the pork please".

Triple cooked. Yuck

Deconstructed desserts.

No they arent. They are unconstructed!!!

Not on a menu, but serving suggestions on packaging.

You buy a box of crackers and the serving suggestion is to put cheese on it. Even I can come up with that one…

It's absolute needed by me

I hate gravy but can tolerate jus so don't take it away from me.

I love having a choice of cream, custard and ice cream, mainly because I don't really want ice cream but want something to go with my dessert.

Locally sourced is good to know, line caught is good but I think unnecessary for a trout as the nets are normally used for ocean fishing, not rivers.

You should meet my mother. She thinks it’s terribly rude to say straightforwardly what you want in any context, including when there’s a waiter standing next to you waiting to take your order. Nice women are never decisive, for her.

So she will pretend she doesn’t know what to order and stare blankly at the menu and chirp about ‘Ooh, it all looks so nice!’ and umm and ahh, as if she’s expecting the waiter to tell her what to have, while he is of course inwardly begging her to hurry up so he can get the orders to the kitchen…

Smashed for avocado, it sounds so violent. Enrobed for chocolates. And don't get me started on anything that refers to sipping or nibbling.

I was just about to say both of these ! alongside jus ,
just the look of foam makes me heave .

I hate it when I’m following a recipe and it uses the word ‘glug’

‘Add in a glug of olive oil ’

nope

I hate when it when it just says "soup of the day". It's like getting blood from a stone trying to figure out what the soup is! No one knows, it's not written down, it's not specific set days.

On another note, your OP mentions "cheap and cheerful" and I've always wanted to open a cafe with that name.

Yep artisanal for me too. So they telling me you're selling artisan pizzas in your pub, it's a wrap of flatbread with a smear of tomato and some cheese.

The deconstructed thing irritates me too. When is it ever more pleasant to see the components of something scattered across a plate rather than assembled nicely?

Finally, chocolate soil. No thank you to eating mud.

Tbf though this is a highly legitimate way of cooking chips. It’s the way the Belgians cook their frites so they are crunchy outside and fluffy inside and can stand up to a robust ‘jus’ or mayo. I wouldnt order a steak with jus unless it said triple cooked or you end up with flabby chips innit!

Or the faux naïf manner when coming across a name for, what is now, a fairly standard ingredient while reading out the whole damn description. “I’ll have the pan fried free range corn fed chicken with… what is this…. Harry sa… Harry sa… well I don’t know what that is it’s all too fancy for me I don’t need that bit and what is this creamy po Len ta ..oh well I suppose I’ll have to try it I don’t know what wrong with a boiled potato I’m happy with anything me.. served with the home made wild mushroom velootay whatever that is” GRRR!

Totally agree. I'll change the road for anonymity purposes: but there's one round my way that really bugs me "south of the A157" (firstly: and ? Secondly: no it isn't, what a reach !)

EVO... it's fekin' olive oil.

I keep seeing recipes that tell you to 'show some ginger and garlic a good time' whilst grating it.
What the heck is that all about?
Doesn't sound very hygienic.

‘Mains’
‘Dessert’ or Something sweet’

It’s:
Starter
Main course
Pudding

Re menus:

"Triple cooked chips" (I don't want them cooked three times!)

"Deconstructed sandwich/burger" (twattery!)

"Hand picked / hand cooked " (I'd rather a machine touched it than someone's grubby hand thanks )

"Oak smoked/beech smoked " (I don't give a shit what pretentious piece of kindling you threw it over !)

"British beans/British carrots/British broccoli/British potatoes/British cream/British ketchup" (it's always "foreign" derived supermarkets too - Aldi is a big one for it ) it's like they're almost assuming we're all xenophobes "Im only eatin' British food Sandra. None o' that foreign crap "

"Loving reared, family owned British pork" (pull the other one )

‘Dust’
’Foam’

In the 80s I once saw ‘cappuccino of mushroom’ on a menu

Anything with a silly name:

"Marry me" chicken 🙄

I think this is the current problem with our bloody world: being a good cook isn't what chef's have to prove anymore or what they want to see at college: good cooks were mums and nans back in the day that cooked the world's best homemade pies and roast dinners. Now that's all scoffed at and they're looking for "originality"

Same with most things. Hairdressers: god forbid you're magic with a straight cut or can curl or style like a pro. Oh no, the weirder and odder the style - that's apparently what makes you good.

Good artists used to be people that could really draw or paint in outstandingly brilliant ways. Now it's all AI/computer aided, "abstract" ideas. Like throwing some glue on an old rusty chair and putting it on a stage!

I find it depressing. It's like we're trying to re-invent the wheel in this post 2010s era and in the meantime we're actually cancelling out real actual talent , in the form of good cooks, good hairdressers, good artists etc etc.

Assiette of desserts. Height of sophistication on a wedding menu. No, it’s all of the random left-over desserts cut up & arranged on a plate. Wow! Still, no. Give one good dessert, please!