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Original poster

How to ask without offending

196 replies

bepositive247 · 20/09/2025 07:51

There is a group of friends and one of them is celebrating a special birthday.

The rest of our group have planned to take her to a theatre show in London and for a meal. She doesn’t know about a night out we have planned. We have decided that we will all pay for her, so we are paying for our own tickets and meal and have agreed to split her share of the theatre ticket and meal bill between us. That will be her birthday gift from us.

I have known her the longest and have ended up organising and booking. I was asked to provide my account details for everyone to transfer, but one of the girls hasn’t paid me or even mentioned anything about it and I don’t know how to bring this up.

I don’t want to bring this up with the other girls in the group as I don’t want to her to think I’m talking about her and if it was £50 I would let it go (even though that’s still a lot of money) but it’s over a £100 and I’ve already paid that as part of my share

I was hoping to get some advice on this and how to ask without coming across as rude

OP posts:
skippy67 · 21/09/2025 17:15

Dontlletmedownbruce · 21/09/2025 17:04

Absolutely ask. It's easy forget especially these days when a bank transfer takes two seconds. I got multiple reminders in a group about something a while back and I remembered paying, so ignored them. I eventually got a very overly polite direct message, turns out I hadn't paid. I suspect a call came through while on my banking app because I absolutely remembered checking the bank account. I was mortified and really wished they had just messaged me immediately. It's a bit insulting to think they thought I'd be insulted when I'm the one at fault!

Have you read the thread?

LemondrizzleShark · 21/09/2025 17:33

I would put a message on the group WhatsApp

“Oh no guys, unfortunately CF is really short of cash this month and can’t cover her ticket and meal! But she’s still very keen to come if we can pay for her.”

“Obviously I can’t cover her whole share so if everyone can transfer me an extra £25 that will cover her share as well as BirthdayGirl’s. Or I could get a refund for her ticket, but we need to decide now”

Offloadontome · 21/09/2025 17:37

This is why I never book anything until I've had a deposit or full payment from everyone. If they don't pay, then I can't book them a place and they don't go.

OP I would message her back and say that unfortunately you don't have the money to sub her, your credit card payment is due and you need the money pronto, so she either pays up or you sell it on.

She's clearly not going to pay you back, as she ignored you until you said you'd sell it on! She's not embarrassed at all. Don't be a mug.

OhFeyreDarling · 21/09/2025 17:49

Yep one CF there, if she knew she was struggling to afford it she should either of said she can't go or asked if it was ok to send you x amount each month until you're paid.

Ignoring your messages and just not paying you knowing you're out of pocket is a proper shitty thing to do. I'm skint a lot of the time but would never do this to my freinds.

Reply with 'sorry but I need the money as I'm out of pocket now, we did all agree this months ago and would have been happy for you to pay me x a month if you'd have said. Can I sell your ticket on and you just do the meal?'

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 21/09/2025 18:29

skippy67 · 21/09/2025 17:14

It's the "looking forward to seeing you all" that is taking the piss. Basically she's saying, I'm not paying but I'm coming anyway. OP, sell her ticket on.

Show quote history

have To say I agree with this. She doesn’t sound particularly apologetic in her message. I would be stating the exact date I could pay back or even suggesting instalments. Whether you sell it on or not is entirely up to you - you may be able to get the money back for the theatre but obviously won’t be able to get money back for her share of the gift so might still end up out of pocket plus depending on what kind of show it is it might not be that easy to sell a singular ticket for it but it’s up to you.

Seeing as she’s said she’s keen to go I think your best bet if you don’t want to do her any more favours is say I’m sorry I need the money - can you ask the other girls to chip in for you. But totally agree with @skippy67 she isn’t coming across as someone that is genuinely apologetic or values the time and effort you’ve gone to to organise this

NewYorkSummer · 21/09/2025 18:37

skippy67 · 21/09/2025 17:14

It's the "looking forward to seeing you all" that is taking the piss. Basically she's saying, I'm not paying but I'm coming anyway. OP, sell her ticket on.

Show quote history

I thought that too. The woman is absolutely taking the piss.

Littlemrsconfetti · 21/09/2025 18:39

Robertplantgoddess · 20/09/2025 07:52

Make a watssap group and then a generic reminder to everyone

Yes include a deadline also otherwise you won't be able to afford yo book for anybody who hasn't paid!

ParmaVioletTea · 21/09/2025 18:42

Even her plans got the meal are a bit cheeky. She says it’s a fixed price and she’ll just drink water. But there’s the tip, and s share of the birthday person’s meal, plus the kinds of extras (bread, olives or whatever) that happen with a big group meal.

I would be sceptical ….

whatasillygoose · 21/09/2025 18:42

DaisyChain505 · 21/09/2025 17:04

I would just reply and say I’m really sorry Lucy but I need the money myself. Would you be able to find it elsewhere or would you just like to join for the meal and I can sell theatre ticket to someone who can pay now?

This. She’s taking the piss to ignore you until now and then be even more flaky. If she was saying the end of September then that might be just about ok between friends but not the end of October!

Shayisgreat · 21/09/2025 19:19

I mean, people tend to get paid around the 25th-29th of the month (if they are paid monthly) so why can't she pay you until next month? If she gets paid more often than that, she can afford to pay you earlier, right?

I'd ask her when she's getting paid so that you can put a reminder in your diary on that date to check if she's paid you. If she hasn't, ask her for the money again and kick up a fuss then if she doesn't agree to pay immediately. I'd probably also make sure a few people in the group were aware of what happened so that it doesn't get twisted back on you.

But if I wanted to stay friends with her (and the group) I'd agree to let her pay me at another date.

AngelicKaty · 21/09/2025 19:21

sugarapplelane · 21/09/2025 16:17

I agree.

They knew what the poster meant. They were just beaning spiteful in pointing out the typo.

Show quote history

😂 I see what you did there! 😉

AngelicKaty · 21/09/2025 19:27

OhFeyreDarling · 21/09/2025 17:49

Yep one CF there, if she knew she was struggling to afford it she should either of said she can't go or asked if it was ok to send you x amount each month until you're paid.

Ignoring your messages and just not paying you knowing you're out of pocket is a proper shitty thing to do. I'm skint a lot of the time but would never do this to my freinds.

Reply with 'sorry but I need the money as I'm out of pocket now, we did all agree this months ago and would have been happy for you to pay me x a month if you'd have said. Can I sell your ticket on and you just do the meal?'

This with knobs on! 👆 This is the CF who'd originally suggested a girls' weekend away for the birthday celebration and OP reined it back to a meal and a theatre show. Imagine how much money OP could be down if they'd gone with CF's weekend idea! 😱

TallulahLikesHoola · 21/09/2025 19:36

whatasillygoose · 21/09/2025 18:42

This. She’s taking the piss to ignore you until now and then be even more flaky. If she was saying the end of September then that might be just about ok between friends but not the end of October!

Show quote history

100% this, so she's not budgeted from even most recent pay to pay her share? Wouldn't be surprised come Oct there'd be a pet/car/plumbing emergency...

TammyJones · 21/09/2025 20:03

AngelicKaty · 21/09/2025 19:27

This with knobs on! 👆 This is the CF who'd originally suggested a girls' weekend away for the birthday celebration and OP reined it back to a meal and a theatre show. Imagine how much money OP could be down if they'd gone with CF's weekend idea! 😱

Show quote history

Probably thought op would cop for the lot. (And had no intention of paying anyway - ever. )

Sandunesandseashells · 21/09/2025 20:58

Quite a bit of emotional blackmail in her last message, OP. If you’ve want to reciprocate, you could respond with “my dilemma is that I need your theatre money to pay for my meal and part birthday girl, so you leave me no choice but to sell the ticket if you can’t borrow from elsewhere”

StewkeyBlue · 21/09/2025 21:25

Sandunesandseashells · 21/09/2025 20:58

Quite a bit of emotional blackmail in her last message, OP. If you’ve want to reciprocate, you could respond with “my dilemma is that I need your theatre money to pay for my meal and part birthday girl, so you leave me no choice but to sell the ticket if you can’t borrow from elsewhere”

Only do this if you can actually sell the ticket.

Because if you can’t you’re up the creek.

Tourmalines · 21/09/2025 22:58

No, do not accept any promise of a late payment from her. The fact that she has not paid you for months, the fact that then she ignored your message and left you on hold, and the fact she wants to pay you after the event are red flags . The likelihood you will get your pay is about 30 to 40%. Don’t risk it.

welshmercury · 22/09/2025 08:37

bepositive247 · 21/09/2025 14:01

update - I sent her a message to say if she can no longer come then I have found someone to take her place who will pay me for the theatre ticket (obviously not the share of the birthday gift)

She’s come back to me.

I saw your message about our night out to celebrate Sarah’s birthday and apologises for not paying you back yet.

I know you have already paid for the theatre tickets, but I was wondering if I can pay you back for that and the gift after I get paid next month? I don’t have the money at the moment, but would still like to come to the night out that has been organised to celebrate Sarah’s birthday as we have all been friends so such a long time.

I’ve got enough for the meal as it’s a set menu and will have tap water so I will know the cost.

I hope that’s ok. Looking forward to seeing everyone x

I feel she’s taking me for a fool now as she has ignored all the chat about transferring the money when the other girls paid and ignored me yesterday but because I’ve said I have got someone to take her ticket, she is asking if she can come along but pay me after the event.

To be honest I’ve always tried to see the good in situations, but I think she’s lost me as a friend as I don’t think she’s being a good friend to me or Sarah at this point.

No way. She will not pay you next month. Where will she get the money from? Sell the ticket on to someone else.
she will tell the group you excluded her.
don’t let her come. Money up front or not.

welshmercury · 22/09/2025 08:39

She could have been paying in instalments in previous months but will magically have money next month.

I would confide in a good friend that’s coming and say you are out of pocket. So you can’t get bad mouthed in the group. You will probably find that she has done it to others

OneCleverPinkFawn · 22/09/2025 08:46

I'd just text her directly at this point. There is nothing wrong with you bringing it up and not wanting to make this convo a part of your group chat.

OneCleverPinkFawn · 22/09/2025 08:48

Oh, just saw the update. Apparently she had no intention of paying anyway. Her choice but she's also free not to come then. More so, she wouldn't be welcomed there.

Zempy · 22/09/2025 09:48

What have you said back to her @bepositive247?

I would say you need the payment in order to attend yourself, so she will have to borrow it or find another way to pay you. Otherwise you will replace her.

Justsaynonow · 22/09/2025 12:30

MonteStory · 21/09/2025 16:39

‘Hi x, unfortunately I can’t afford to be out of pocket this month, I was really assuming I’d have all th money back by now as it has been xyz months since I bought them.
How about you skip the meal, use the money for that to pay me for the ticket? I completely see you want to be there and I really want you there too. But the only way for you to go to the show is to pay for a ticket. I need the money by Tuesday, otherwise I’ll pass it on.’

Yes - she HAS money (for the meal) which could be used to pay back the OP. She's choosing to put her money toward a meal and social event for herself while leaving an unapproved debt to OP dangling in the wind. And I agree with the other PP who said she probably wouldn't have enough to contribute to the tip etc.

Gossipisgood · 22/09/2025 12:42

If you have a group chat put a reminder in there to all attending that you've paid the deposits/full price of tickets etc & that your CC bill is due in so can you have everyones money in by xx date to save you incurring costs on your card. If this girl hasn't paid a day or so before the date you've given send her a personal reminder asking if she saw your post & remind her that payment is due so can she please send it through to you. If you're happy to, maybe mention if she's skint you'd be happy to split the payment into two, half this month & half next month but only suggest that if you an afford to wait month.

MonteStory · 22/09/2025 12:58

Gossipisgood · 22/09/2025 12:42

If you have a group chat put a reminder in there to all attending that you've paid the deposits/full price of tickets etc & that your CC bill is due in so can you have everyones money in by xx date to save you incurring costs on your card. If this girl hasn't paid a day or so before the date you've given send her a personal reminder asking if she saw your post & remind her that payment is due so can she please send it through to you. If you're happy to, maybe mention if she's skint you'd be happy to split the payment into two, half this month & half next month but only suggest that if you an afford to wait month.

The event is this coming weekend. The OP has already asked the woman privately and basically been told ‘well I don’t have enough but I want to come so you can just wait’