How to ask without offending

[bepositive247]

There is a group of friends and one of them is celebrating a special birthday.

The rest of our group have planned to take her to a theatre show in London and for a meal. She doesn’t know about a night out we have planned. We have decided that we will all pay for her, so we are paying for our own tickets and meal and have agreed to split her share of the theatre ticket and meal bill between us. That will be her birthday gift from us.

I have known her the longest and have ended up organising and booking. I was asked to provide my account details for everyone to transfer, but one of the girls hasn’t paid me or even mentioned anything about it and I don’t know how to bring this up.

I don’t want to bring this up with the other girls in the group as I don’t want to her to think I’m talking about her and if it was £50 I would let it go (even though that’s still a lot of money) but it’s over a £100 and I’ve already paid that as part of my share

I was hoping to get some advice on this and how to ask without coming across as rude

Thanks for updating us OP. Unless she was busy all day yesterday (possible) she should have transferred the money as soon as she read your message - and sent you a reply confirming she'd done so and apologising for not paying you promptly. If she hasn't done this by, say, Monday lunchtime, I'd be absolutely livid and think she's absolutely taking the piss. However, like you I wouldn't send any more reminders, partly because I wonder if she's playing some kind of power game i.e. she's going to give you the cash on the day (making you wait even longer!) as if she was always going to do that, and make you look like the unreasonable one for chasing her (that wouldn't fly, of course, because the agreement was always, you book, they transfer the money to you).

Good luck OP, I hope she pays you today and sends a fulsome apology.

OP you need to call her today.

My advice is that you do not call her bluff and say you will give / sell her ticket unless you know that someone else is queuing up to take it.

If you tell her that she may well gratefully accept and then you have the cost of her ticket and her unpaid share of the present on your hands.

She committed to this, she needs to pay you.

She’s being rude. Even if she was struggling to pay it in one go she should have communicated to you that she’d like to do part payments. She shouldn’t be just ignoring you.

who cares if you think it’s sneaky. Pay your way in life and on time otherwise you don’t really get to decide how you’re asked for the money

Sorry OP, just read this update. If this was all agreed and booked months ago for next weekend then she's definitely being a CF. Even if she has a cash-flow problem, there's absolutely no reason for her not to simply message you to say sorry and she will pay you as soon as she gets paid at the end of the month. Just blanking you is unbelievably rude! 😡

Ask for the money on a group what's app,
'everyone's paid except CF, can you let me have £150 now here's my bank details again '
public shaming is the only way that works, I know someone who pays up at the last minute hoping that her non payment is overlooked. I always ask on the grouo now

And if she says she can’t come, and you can’t find anyone else to take the ticket, who bears the cost of the ticket you bought?

And her share of the present?

Sorry OP, I think you are being very unreasonable in taking on other people’s problems, if she can’t come, tough, she committed and you bought the ticket / present on that basis.
I advise you never again to take on role of paying and co-ordinating. You don’t need to be more than politely clear in managing these things.

Just state it as it is: “the thing is, I bought the tix / present on the basis of those who committed to paying, so I need everyone to pay their share. Thank you!”

If she can’t come the onus is on HER to sell her ticket, and still contribute to the present.

But I do hope she does the decent thing and pays you now.

You paid months ago???? You weren’t kidding when you wrote about having problems with asking. She’s owed you and ignored it for months. Have you met up in the meantime and it’s been the elephant in the room? If you’ve seen her and didn’t mention it she’s decided you’re a mug/soft touch. I don’t have much hope of her paying now.

Don’t worry about offending her Op. she should be the one worried about offending you.
Why are we all so nice? She’s the problem not you.

update - I sent her a message to say if she can no longer come then I have found someone to take her place who will pay me for the theatre ticket (obviously not the share of the birthday gift)

She’s come back to me.

I saw your message about our night out to celebrate Sarah’s birthday and apologises for not paying you back yet.

I know you have already paid for the theatre tickets, but I was wondering if I can pay you back for that and the gift after I get paid next month? I don’t have the money at the moment, but would still like to come to the night out that has been organised to celebrate Sarah’s birthday as we have all been friends so such a long time.

I’ve got enough for the meal as it’s a set menu and will have tap water so I will know the cost.

I hope that’s ok. Looking forward to seeing everyone x

I feel she’s taking me for a fool now as she has ignored all the chat about transferring the money when the other girls paid and ignored me yesterday but because I’ve said I have got someone to take her ticket, she is asking if she can come along but pay me after the event.

To be honest I’ve always tried to see the good in situations, but I think she’s lost me as a friend as I don’t think she’s being a good friend to me or Sarah at this point.

100% NO.

Tell her to put it on the group chat and ask the others to have a whip round

I think that is a harsh reaction - she is skint and probably a bit embarrassed. Just accept it - it’s not really your decision to make to shut her out of the friendship circle.

.Agree. Me and my mates would cover each other in this situation (funds allowing - which they would in our group) b

Presumably you and your mates would actually respond and share this information though rather than just leaving someone hanging?

I would say you weren't willing to wait in case she doesn't pay and suggest she borrows from someone else rather than from you, which is effectively what she's doing. You could say you might have been more willing if she has communicated rather than leaving you hanging.

I would also put it in the group chat. You will end up out of pocket otherwise.

This.

She is your friend, you know if this is a pattern or if it is genuine. Previously ignoring you is not a good sign of your friendship or ability to communicate.

There is a risk she attends then goes flakey on your for months, you need to assess that risk from what you know of her, we can't do that for you as we don't know her.

If you think the risk is high and/or you cannot afford to lose the money tell her you cannot afford to wait either as you have been struggling with the initial outlay already, so to let you know today if she can transfer the money or not.

This! I just can’t imagine being so passive! It’s not remotely rude or offensive to ask someone to pay what they owe ffs! 🤦‍♀️

I think you have to tell it to her straight.

"Hi Lucy. To be honest I am deeply unimpressed by your rude and cheeky behaviour. You have had ages to find the money for this, and it is only now, at the very last minute, after ignoring my polite requests for payment, that you say you don't have it and ask for a loan. The answer is no. If you had been upfront with me about your financial circumstances and asked nicely if you could pay me back at the end of the month I might have considered it. But I'm not going to be coerced into giving you a loan, because I don't trust you to ever pay me back. Find the money from somewhere else, borrow it from someone else if you have to, but get it to me by the end of tomorrow otherwise I am selling your ticket on."

Your never going to see that money again .
You need to ask the other girls In the group if they are going to cover her bill or invite someone else
Never book anything without the money up front

tell her she can come to the meal if she can afford it but not the theatre.
Perhaps she’s had some unfortunate circumstance but she’s behaving unfairly to OP.

I agree with this 👆 Just sell the ticket on. Is it possible to get a refund from the vendor?

What on earth is a "watssap" group?

OP. This woman owes you money. You are absolutely in your right to ask for it! Just send her a message saying you need the money for the theatre trip.

Why are people so worried about asking for money that people have already agreed to pay them!

Ok so this is actual genius and I'm going to do it at some point!