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Original poster

How to ask without offending

196 replies

bepositive247 · 20/09/2025 07:51

There is a group of friends and one of them is celebrating a special birthday.

The rest of our group have planned to take her to a theatre show in London and for a meal. She doesn’t know about a night out we have planned. We have decided that we will all pay for her, so we are paying for our own tickets and meal and have agreed to split her share of the theatre ticket and meal bill between us. That will be her birthday gift from us.

I have known her the longest and have ended up organising and booking. I was asked to provide my account details for everyone to transfer, but one of the girls hasn’t paid me or even mentioned anything about it and I don’t know how to bring this up.

I don’t want to bring this up with the other girls in the group as I don’t want to her to think I’m talking about her and if it was £50 I would let it go (even though that’s still a lot of money) but it’s over a £100 and I’ve already paid that as part of my share

I was hoping to get some advice on this and how to ask without coming across as rude

OP posts:
Robertplantgoddess · 21/09/2025 15:04

SouthernBelle21 · 21/09/2025 15:00

What on earth is a "watssap" group?

OP. This woman owes you money. You are absolutely in your right to ask for it! Just send her a message saying you need the money for the theatre trip.

Why are people so worried about asking for money that people have already agreed to pay them!

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WhatsApp. Now I'm sure it's clear for you.

dilemma2516 · 21/09/2025 15:13

SouthernBelle21 · 21/09/2025 15:00

What on earth is a "watssap" group?

OP. This woman owes you money. You are absolutely in your right to ask for it! Just send her a message saying you need the money for the theatre trip.

Why are people so worried about asking for money that people have already agreed to pay them!

Show quote history

How pedantic

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 21/09/2025 15:29

@bepositive247 just seen your update. I understand why you’re annoyed. If she’d just been upfront with you and said she couldn’t afford it earlier it wouldn’t feel like she was taking you for a mug. Ultimately as another pp has said - you’re all friends and you will have to use your instinct for this one. You’ve already paid and already out of pocket - how easy will it be realistically to sell the ticket on at short notice and how much effort will that be vs taking her word for it - if you genuinely believe it and being out of pocket for a little while longer. I would probably do the latter if she was a long-standing friend and give her the benefit of the doubt for maybe being embarrassed and burying her head in the sand.

if you truly don’t believe her or can’t afford to be out of pocket you can see if she would ask all the others to chip in for her theatre ticket / gift and then when she has the money she can pay everyone back - much less likely to piss off with everyone’s money and everyone will be down £20 rather than you being down >£100

you’ve done a really nice thing by organising this birthday for your friend - try not to let this dampen the mood. 🤍🤍

AgnesMcDoo · 21/09/2025 15:32

I think she’s skint and if you are good friends you should be more sympathetic

Zempy · 21/09/2025 15:36

I would respond saying no. You need the money now. If you don’t get it by the end of the day, the place is going to other person.

You will never see that money and it will ruin the event and your friendship,

ParmaVioletTea · 21/09/2025 15:37

AgnesMcDoo · 21/09/2025 15:32

I think she’s skint and if you are good friends you should be more sympathetic

I think if she were a good friend, she'd have said she was skint & couldn't go. She's being a terrible friend.

LadyLindaT · 21/09/2025 15:42

I may have misread this, completely, but my first thought was "There's always one." One that puts more effort into trying to pull a fast one, than it would have done to be up front in the first place. Nice, kind people tie themselves in knots trying not to offend people that really aren't being very kind in return. In my past experience, it was to do with hidden jealousies in a group dynamic.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 21/09/2025 16:06

Gonk123 · 21/09/2025 14:05

I think that is a harsh reaction - she is skint and probably a bit embarrassed. Just accept it - it’s not really your decision to make to shut her out of the friendship circle.

Good grief, the OP booked the tickets months ago. She's had plenty of time to get the money together or ask nicely for a loan if she was really in dire straits.

She's just a common or garden cheeky fucker. It's not the OP's job to subsidise her. If she wants to be included she can ask the rest of the group if they're all willing to spot her a tenner.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 21/09/2025 16:07

ParmaVioletTea · 21/09/2025 15:37

I think if she were a good friend, she'd have said she was skint & couldn't go. She's being a terrible friend.

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And she certainly wouldn't have kept leaving the OP on read until the OP suggested re-selling her ticket.

Notthatgameagain · 21/09/2025 16:17

Maybe she was trying to get the money together and hasn't been able to. I agree it's not the best form from her. However , if this has not happened before and you can afford it then I would pay for her in the hopes it is repaid.

sugarapplelane · 21/09/2025 16:17

dilemma2516 · 21/09/2025 15:13

How pedantic

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I agree.

They knew what the poster meant. They were just beaning spiteful in pointing out the typo.

FeliciaFancybottom · 21/09/2025 16:23

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 21/09/2025 14:19

I think you have to tell it to her straight.

"Hi Lucy. To be honest I am deeply unimpressed by your rude and cheeky behaviour. You have had ages to find the money for this, and it is only now, at the very last minute, after ignoring my polite requests for payment, that you say you don't have it and ask for a loan. The answer is no. If you had been upfront with me about your financial circumstances and asked nicely if you could pay me back at the end of the month I might have considered it. But I'm not going to be coerced into giving you a loan, because I don't trust you to ever pay me back. Find the money from somewhere else, borrow it from someone else if you have to, but get it to me by the end of tomorrow otherwise I am selling your ticket on."

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Fuck me, I'd hate to have you as a friend.

sugarapplelane · 21/09/2025 16:27

SouthernBelle21 · 21/09/2025 15:00

What on earth is a "watssap" group?

OP. This woman owes you money. You are absolutely in your right to ask for it! Just send her a message saying you need the money for the theatre trip.

Why are people so worried about asking for money that people have already agreed to pay them!

Show quote history

Why are you being such a bitch?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 21/09/2025 16:31

FeliciaFancybottom · 21/09/2025 16:23

Fuck me, I'd hate to have you as a friend.

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I'm not friends with cheeky fuckers.

sugarapplelane · 21/09/2025 16:33

bepositive247 · 21/09/2025 14:01

update - I sent her a message to say if she can no longer come then I have found someone to take her place who will pay me for the theatre ticket (obviously not the share of the birthday gift)

She’s come back to me.

I saw your message about our night out to celebrate Sarah’s birthday and apologises for not paying you back yet.

I know you have already paid for the theatre tickets, but I was wondering if I can pay you back for that and the gift after I get paid next month? I don’t have the money at the moment, but would still like to come to the night out that has been organised to celebrate Sarah’s birthday as we have all been friends so such a long time.

I’ve got enough for the meal as it’s a set menu and will have tap water so I will know the cost.

I hope that’s ok. Looking forward to seeing everyone x

I feel she’s taking me for a fool now as she has ignored all the chat about transferring the money when the other girls paid and ignored me yesterday but because I’ve said I have got someone to take her ticket, she is asking if she can come along but pay me after the event.

To be honest I’ve always tried to see the good in situations, but I think she’s lost me as a friend as I don’t think she’s being a good friend to me or Sarah at this point.

I think you need to go back to Lucy and ask her why it has taken her so long to let you know she was struggling. If she had told you when you had bought the tickets you may have been able to come to an agreement on a payment plan or such.
But leaving you out of pocket so late in the day is just rude. I think she was hoping you may not notice and so get away without paying.
It isn’t fair that you are now out of pocket.
Same thing happened to me once. I bought tickets for something and a friend asked if she could pay in a couple of months. Her DH earns a fortune, but because they keep finances separate and she doesn’t earn much she’s always skint. I said that I needed the money straight away as I was out of pocket so she asked her Mum for a loan! That didn’t put her DH in a good light.

MonteStory · 21/09/2025 16:39

‘Hi x, unfortunately I can’t afford to be out of pocket this month, I was really assuming I’d have all th money back by now as it has been xyz months since I bought them.
How about you skip the meal, use the money for that to pay me for the ticket? I completely see you want to be there and I really want you there too. But the only way for you to go to the show is to pay for a ticket. I need the money by Tuesday, otherwise I’ll pass it on.’

Keroppi · 21/09/2025 16:49

Well, you know if she is flaky or liable to not pay you next month? Don't rush to reply to her as she's blanked you.
Could you tell her you're low on funds by this point in the month and are out of pocket, so you can't cover her full share - but you/her could ask if the rest of the friend group could all chip in £20 etc odd each to cover her until next month..
The potential shame of that may make her pay up from other sources or pass it over
I wouldn't be too forceful about it as it'll just get twisted into you being nasty. Ask/explain the situation to one of your closest funds in that group and see what they say, approach it as a problem as you're low on funds and can't afford to cover her completely.

I'm a mug/easy going so if I could afford it I would cover her and ask her when she gets paid and tell her to pay up by that date.. if she blanks me when it's pay day or past it, I'd be telling the whole group and blocking her. But that's probably petty!

SwedeAtTheFinnishLine · 21/09/2025 16:55

*"They knew what the poster meant. They were just beaning spiteful in pointing out the typo."
*
What on earth does "beaning spiteful" mean @sugarapplelane I can't possibly decipher this riddle!

😉*
*

MinnieMountain · 21/09/2025 16:56

@MonteStory makes an excellent point. Go with that.

menopausalfart · 21/09/2025 17:01

I wouldn't pay for the CF. Say no, I'm unable to cover for you. You don't owe an explanation as to why.

ParmaVioletTea · 21/09/2025 17:01

FeliciaFancybottom · 21/09/2025 16:23

Fuck me, I'd hate to have you as a friend.

Show quote history

But the friend is happy to exploit @bepositive247 . She’s had notice and time and was told how much it would all cost. She’s could have said she couldn’t make it. She could have come clean and asked her friends to sub her.

She’s behaved badly.

Why is @bepositive247 the rude heartless one? Your response is pure reverse the victim and offender!

DaisyChain505 · 21/09/2025 17:04

I would just reply and say I’m really sorry Lucy but I need the money myself. Would you be able to find it elsewhere or would you just like to join for the meal and I can sell theatre ticket to someone who can pay now?

Dontlletmedownbruce · 21/09/2025 17:04

Absolutely ask. It's easy forget especially these days when a bank transfer takes two seconds. I got multiple reminders in a group about something a while back and I remembered paying, so ignored them. I eventually got a very overly polite direct message, turns out I hadn't paid. I suspect a call came through while on my banking app because I absolutely remembered checking the bank account. I was mortified and really wished they had just messaged me immediately. It's a bit insulting to think they thought I'd be insulted when I'm the one at fault!

GreatWhiteWail · 21/09/2025 17:12

Seriously not OK behaviour by her.

If this was genuine, she could pay you something now, couldn't she. But she wants you to bridge her the whole amount for, what, 5 or 6 weeks? (And I am 100% CERTAIN you will need to chase her again for that).

That's really poor form of her. To not give you a heads up in advance, ignore you, and then throw in the emotional blackmail at the end about how much she wanted to be there before you'd even had a chance to say anything.

She has no respect for you.

I would text back to say you're sorry but your finances don't allow for loans like that with no advance warning.

skippy67 · 21/09/2025 17:14

AgnesMcDoo · 21/09/2025 15:32

I think she’s skint and if you are good friends you should be more sympathetic

It's the "looking forward to seeing you all" that is taking the piss. Basically she's saying, I'm not paying but I'm coming anyway. OP, sell her ticket on.