How to ask without offending

[bepositive247]

There is a group of friends and one of them is celebrating a special birthday.

The rest of our group have planned to take her to a theatre show in London and for a meal. She doesn’t know about a night out we have planned. We have decided that we will all pay for her, so we are paying for our own tickets and meal and have agreed to split her share of the theatre ticket and meal bill between us. That will be her birthday gift from us.

I have known her the longest and have ended up organising and booking. I was asked to provide my account details for everyone to transfer, but one of the girls hasn’t paid me or even mentioned anything about it and I don’t know how to bring this up.

I don’t want to bring this up with the other girls in the group as I don’t want to her to think I’m talking about her and if it was £50 I would let it go (even though that’s still a lot of money) but it’s over a £100 and I’ve already paid that as part of my share

I was hoping to get some advice on this and how to ask without coming across as rude

OP posted this at 10:39 this morning:

"Thank you everyone.
I have been overthinking it and need to get a grip.
I’ve just sent this - Hi Lucy, I’m just double checking if you did the transfer for Sarah’s birthday as I can’t seem to see it on my account. If not, then here are my details again. Looking forward to seeing everyone as it’s been ages since we all got together x"

Any reply yet?

thank you to everyone who has replied and given me advice on this.

just a quick update- she read the message I sent as there’s two blue ticks. No reply back from her. No money in my account yet.

I won’t send her anymore reminders as I feel my message was clear. I’ll just have to wait and see if she gets back to me

But if she doesn’t pay, then what? I think you should give her a few days then say can I check you’re still coming? If not if you can let the others know and we’ll rejig the costing. You don’t want to be left to pay her share

I really think you need to involve the others now. Otherwise you're going to end up paying for this person and not knowing til the day if they're coming or not.

Well done on the chase, but absolutely sending you strength to rechase ... If nothing by lunchtime today then just a quickie to follow up ...
'I know you are busy, we all are, and yours is the only payment outstanding. Please send by midday on Monday 22nd as my credit card payment is due. If things have changed let me know so I can cancel your meal and return your ticket. No dramas.'

And remember YOU are not being rude, she is rude to have put you in this position

No!!!!!! You should follow up soon - she clearly either is having trouble paying or is a cf. Either way, don’t let it be your problem. Your first message to her was too tentative. You need to follow up in a day or two with ‘I definitely haven’t received payment from you, please send today so that I can buy tickets/pay deposit’ or whatever.

I'd make a WhatsApp group and ask her on that , publicly make a list of those who've paid up . I've felt like you being awkward to ask , but reading similar on here it's what's worked for me ,

What does she owe you for? Her share of the birthday girl? Or have you also bought her ticket?

If you’ve bought her ticket then you have easy leverage as you simply say ‘hi x I know talking about money is tricky. Please tell me if there’s a problem. However if you continue to ignore this I’ll sssume you’re not coming and cancel your theatre ticket. I can’t afford to be 100 out of pocket.’

You need to follow it up directly and if she still doesn’t reply/pay then you need to do something else.

Tell her that without a reply you’ll assume she can’t go now but she’ll still need to cover her ticket/meal deposit unless someone else can take her place.

Is there someone close to her that can give her a nudge too or might know why she hasn’t paid? Is she waiting until she gets paid again?

If nothing still then it’s group message time.

Yeah good point, it might just be the birthday girls ticket which does make it more awkward.

If that’s the case then the rest of the group can hopefully all cover the shortfall.

If you want the money, you’re gonna have to ask. Plenty of posts with ideas of how to so just go for it.

the payment is for her ticket to the theatre show plus the share of the birthday girls gift. I have already bought the tickets and sent the group a message a few months ago to confirm I had bought the tickets and showed proof of payment as I don’t like any misunderstandings about money and didn’t want anyone to think I was asking for extra. Everyone said thank you and confirmed they had done the transfer to my account - except this one person.

I made this booking after the whole group agreed to plan this event and agreed to the price of the ticket and gift.

I will send a message out again later today as others have suggested and say if you can no longer make it, then let me know asap so I can ask someone else if they want to come instead.

The ticket is for next weekend, so not much time left.

I have taken the advice given on the thread and I have asked for it. My friend has read the message and is still ignoring me

“I will send a message out again later today as others have suggested and say if you can no longer make it, then let me know asap so I can ask someone else if they want to come instead.”

Whether she can go or not, she agreed to the cost, so still owes you. You shouldn’t carry this cost. She needs to pay you.

However, if you only text yesterday, give her time to pay. She may have been out when she read the message, and will pay when she has five minutes spare.

Well done for asking for the money. How long have you been waiting for it? What would you do differently next time?

Seriously why are you taking on the burden of finding a replacement as this leaves you at risk of being significantly out of pocket?

Its irrelevant to the payment to you if she can’t make it - she needs to pay up - and if she doesn’t want to out of pocket then she needs to take responsibility for finding a replacement.

I wouldn’t send that message OP. She still owes you. Don’t give her a way out.

I also think that you need to look at your self confidence given the title. Do you feel ‘offended’ when asked to pay your bills?

If you think someone else might want to join, ask them, and if they say yes, text Lucy again saying, "I have someone else who is interested in joining us, please transfer me the money today and let me know when you have done so otherwise I will give your ticket to them."

You phone her today. If she doesn’t pick up don’t leave a message just try later. If she still doesn’t pick up you leave a message asking is there a reason why she hasn’t paid, can she call you to explain.

If she still ignores you then you message the rest of the group, explain what’s happened and see if anyone can suggest someone else to come in her place and if not you’d appreciate them making up the shortfall between them.

Then it’s not just your problem it’s everyone’s.

It’s offensive that she hasn’t paid and has now ignored you! Friend?! Really?! I’d ask her to let you know either way and if she hasn’t got back to you by the end of the day you’ll put it out there to see if anyone else wants to go so the money isn’t wasted. If you’re worried about offending the. Just say it nicely such as - hey, if you can kindly let me know about the ticket money by the end of day that would be great. Don’t worry if you can’t make it anymore but do let me know so I can offer it to someone else or see if the others will split the bill with me. Hope you’re ok x
boom

This 👆

This is a great idea if she ignores your first request like above 👆