My boy is off to University and it's breaking my heart.

[Slinky987]

Our family is dissolving.

It's killing me.

Your DS is doing what he should be doing- going to uni and moving on.
It doesn’t mean your family is ‘shattered’ - terms are short and go quickly. I’ve had/have two DCs at uni - we are closer than we were when everyone lived at home. Older DC has graduated and staying in their uni city. DS will hopefully come home after graduation but it depends on where he can find work.
Yes, I miss them esp when they’ve visited or been home for a bit but as long as they’re happy, that’s the main thing (esp as they both struggle w anxiety)

I get it. The run-up to my eldest going to uni was actually far worse than the reality. I remember spending the summer quietly dreading it.

My dad texted me the quote, ‘There are two things we should give our children: one is roots and the other is wings’. This really helped. Imagine the alternative? If he was not ready to fly the nest and you were worrying about him being at home and missing out on what will be the best 3 or 4 years of his life.

The terms are so very short, he’ll be back before you know it.

I hear you op!
Of course you are proud of your son and happy he’s making his own way in the world but it’s perfectly natural imo to be upset. Your life you knew for the last 18 years is going to change substantially. I understand completely the feelings you have expressed. What helped me Was going to visit but also trying very hard to enjoy the freedom of dc flying the nest. DH and I have enjoyed a few city breaks and I have embraced the quiet in the house and the space with doing more crafts. I have also made an effort to go out and socialise more. I have also started a new hobby that gets me out once a week. Being a mum was and is the most important part of my identity and I make no apologies for that.

Crikey, why can’t some people just show the OP a bit of empathy and write a soothing comment, rather than berating her😕

It is harder for some people than others OP, and your reaction is not unusual. As others have said, your feelings will adjust over time and you won’t feel the same sense of loss. Of course it’s hard at the beginning, going from seeing him every day to infrequently, but it does get easier!

Please OP don't see this as the end of your family. Try and put a brave face on it. One of my friends stayed local because her mum asked her not to go away😫. Find something to fill any extra time if necessary.

God, don’t you just hate this? Growing up and moving away is the best thing they could have done! It’s the way it’s meant to be. Tell it to all the grieving parents who would give anything to be able to say this.

OP, I don’t know what I’ll do without my oldest when she goes to uni (imminently) but I really want it for her, as it’s her life, not mine. Look after yourself.

My dad texted me the quote, ‘There are two things we should give our children: one is roots and the other is wings’.

Your dad sounds very wise @NoelFurlong

Wow. Feel the feels OP but those written things are not positive and are not keeping your feelings away from him.

I'm sorry, but I agree with this ^^
Maybe it is because I know that DD wouldn't have appreciated a book of poetry though.

Some really horrible people on this thread. Good for you that you weren't affected at all by this, here's your gold star ⭐️

Op, i get it. Well I dont, but I understand how this must feel for you. You're allowed to be sad it is a huge change and it sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your lad, if course youre very sad the day to day is changing a bit ❤️

I didn't really feel like that to be honest. It was obviously quieter at home but I found their new ventures brought new things into my life too. New places to visit to see them,new people they met and even married eventually this is the start of their adult life and it's so exciting really.l to see them change and blossom. They come home to visit and that is so lovely too.

“I’ve enjoyed being your mother for 18 years etc?” Are you no longer his mother?

Hey OP
I’ve been exactly the same since my daughter went on Saturday
It’s completely taken me by surprise as I’m a pragmatic person who is very proud of her and she’s totally ready for this step.
I’ve been unfailingly positive and excited for her and when i speak to her I’ve been practical and helpful and chatted about settling in and making friends etc, not keening and wailing.

However, inside I’m totally bereft! I’ve loved it being me and my girls at home, I’ve got 2 younger children and a very full work life so it’s not like I’m not busy but I feel like you it’s a hole in our little family unit and I’m missing her so much. Other parents have told me it’s normal and it will pass but it’s so hard! I was truly taken aback by the strength of my feelings. I didn’t take her, her dad did so I’m popping in this weekend to get her some bits and bobs for her room that they forgot and extras they hadn’t thought about. I’m treating it as an excuse for a child free weekend in a hotel with my partner and won’t cramp her style, will just do a food shop and a B&M run with her but will feel better when I’ve made sure she’s got everything and seen her accomm (she got allocated off campus and I’ve not seen it).

wishing you lots of strength
its a life changing transition

Ideas yes not demands.

Are you sad about him leaving and not being there every day?

Or sad that you’re getting older and you’re losing your identity after all of these years?

Mines not there yet but I can’t wait! I feel awful thinking that way now 😂 maybe it will unexpectedly hit me like it has you.

I have to be honest that when I read your first couple of messages I did judge you for being OTT and was worried you made him leaving all about you.
But I can now see that you’ve said in person you are acting excited and happy but you’re just coming on here for support - which is a good and healthy thing to do.

My son left home 18 months ago with work and I sobbed every day for 3 days (not around him, he had no idea). Then I got excited for him. I have got used to him being away now and he is thriving so I am happy.

I don't get the need for all the drama. The comment that your family is "dissolving" is way OTT.

I understand this actually but that's because my eldest has in part become a good friend, he is such good company and DH and I had him youngish, only 2 years after we met so we both kind of grew up with him. DH was still qualifying to become an Architect when he was a toddler for example. Our eldest isn't going this year but I know I'm going to feel like you as he was away the whole summer and on seeing him walk away at the airport it was a surreal experience as it marked the end of his childhood as Yeats, wrote; “Too many things are occurring for even a big heart to hold".

I think it is ok to feel like you do and at the same time feel happy for him, they are not mutually exclusive.

You will totally get it when he goes off to uni.

From what I can read of your note you most definitely have laid plenty of guilt on him. What you have written us over the top. I say this with confidence because my Mum was exactly like you. I know my Mum 'thought' she was concealing her sadness at my going to university but she absolutely wasn't.

Granted she made sure I overheard her telling people that she was fine with it etc. But then also left me maudlin little messages and let me find her crying. She constantly went on and on about 'How many weeks until Christmas? and giving a little laugh, like she was joking, but wasn't.

It's incredibly selfish and self centered.

She is indeed still his mother and that is why she is sad he is leaving. It is a natural feeling for any parent. Well for those that will admit it.

Eh? Not sentimental? They aren't robots OP (loved your messages in the poetry book btw).

Watch this famous 80s advert (for the Irish electricity board) of a son returning home to his mum's for Christmas.

This seems like such a sad attitude to have, to say you’ll never be as happy again once your children have left home. I can’t understand it. My oldest is 16 so I haven’t experienced a child leaving home yet. Of course I’ll miss them, and it’ll be a big change. But there will be so many more exciting times to look forward to as my children become adults. I can’t imagine how proud I’ll be to see them launch into life on their own. My oldest is seriously considering studying abroad, I would never have been brave enough to do that. If he moves abroad I’ll be so proud and happy to have had a part in raising a child with that much confidence. Hopefully one day I will see my children find careers the enjoy and can be successful in. Hopefully I’ll see them fall in love and maybe have children of their own and experience that love for themselves. All so those things will bring me even more happiness than I feel having them at home with me now. I am so excited for their futures. I can’t imagine feeling like now is the happiest I’ll ever be. The thought of my children building their own amazing lives fills me with excitement, I can’t wait to see what they do. It’s such a privilege. Of course it’s natural to miss them when they leave, it’s a massive change. But I really struggle to understand the devastation some people are describing.

I am sorry you feel sad. He’s not really leaving for good. He’ll be boomeranging back in 12 weeks or so. It comes around really quickly. Make sure you have something interesting to say about what you’ve been doing when he comes back . Volunteering? Ridiculous new hobby? Trip abroad?

My parents were divorced but put aside their feelings towards each other to drop me at uni, my Mum cried and she is a really strong person, my Dad actually comforted her but I didn't feel it was a terrible thing or self centred, why would I, surely it's an expression of love for someone?

I’m so sorry for the loss of your best friend
and relocating, that’s a lot of big changes

i’ve been reflecting that my grief at my daughter going is a bit related to some unresolved grief issues I’ve got

Mine is going today and my feelings haven’t caught up yet. But deep down OP I feel as you do. So I am going to need to rebuild. If my family is dissolving then I either need to help mend it or acknowledge it and build a new and better version. But my dd loves me and her family and we love her so the foundations of the new normal are strong. We should be so proud that we have helped grow these amazing young adults that are secure enough to leave us and forge their own path now. Take care of yourself OP and all of us waving goodbye with a smile on our faces and an ache in our heart. It’s because we love them. The ache is fine, we can manage. Xxx