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Original poster

My boy is off to University and it's breaking my heart.

342 replies

Slinky987 · 20/09/2025 02:31

Our family is dissolving.

It's killing me.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 20/09/2025 08:34

PracticeBestPractice · 20/09/2025 08:12

A ship is safe in harbour but that's not what she's built for.

What a wonderful saying.

Beachtastic · 20/09/2025 08:34

If you love poetry, OP, then you're probably familiar with Kahlil Gibran's On Children

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

DefinitelyNotDainty · 20/09/2025 08:35

I felt exactly like this a few years ago - it unexpectedly hit me like a tidal wave of emotion. I remember sobbing over her PJs in the laundry basket!! The good news is it doesn’t last long and establishing your new relationship and family dynamics is amazing.

take care of yourself today OP xx

LightandAiry · 20/09/2025 08:36

NewGirlInTown · 20/09/2025 08:27

Absolutely this.
Cut out the dramatics. Don’t you have anything else in your life?

Show quote history

The OP is expressing on here that she's finding it hard on an emotional level. It's something many parents feel when their kids leave for the first time but adjust after a short while. This is a bit harsh.

I wish my 23 year old ds could move away though! I've gone on to another stage.

Original poster
Slinky987 · 20/09/2025 08:38

Right. I'm not wailing and keening all over him!!

I'm sharing in his excitement. I had a couple of happy tears at our 'last supper' yesterday night when my husband & I talked about how much we've enjoyed bringing him up and how happy we are that he's off into the world.

But my strong emotions around him leaving have taken me by surprise, hence the thread.

I don't need therapy, and I'm letting him go with love and confidence!!

But it has unexpectedly broken my heart. And I just came in here to talk about the deep sadness I'm feeling.

OP posts:
Indianajet · 20/09/2025 08:39

Is he your only child?

Namechangerage · 20/09/2025 08:40

Slinky987 · 20/09/2025 05:39

Because he's off and I know that adult men aren't sentimental about their childhoods.

I'm not sentimental generally. I've been hit by a wave of uncharacteristic emotion.

Show quote history

This is very dramatic and it does come across in your letter. Don’t guilt trip him, you’re still his mum, so no need for the past tense.

My DH is very close to his parents, a lot of men are. You’re spiralling and maybe should get some therapy.

Original poster
Slinky987 · 20/09/2025 08:41

Indianajet · 20/09/2025 08:39

Is he your only child?

No! But our first to go.

OP posts:
Citrusbergamia · 20/09/2025 08:42

Beachtastic · 20/09/2025 08:34

If you love poetry, OP, then you're probably familiar with Kahlil Gibran's On Children

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Beautiful poem. My friend sent this to me when both DC left home at the same time, 3 weeks ago, to go on their separate journeys abroad for the next year or so.

Oof it's bloody tough but now, for the first time in 23 years, I have a bit of 'me' time so I'm focusing on that and tucking away the sadness I momentarily feel at any given moment of the day...

Your DS will fly OP! But I get it. Its the beginning of the end of your family life as you've known it for the past 18 years. It's hard, I know.

FlibbertyGibbitt · 20/09/2025 08:43

I felt sad when my youngest went. Cried on the way home. Rang him lots, he came home for the October break which was great….. well for a couple of days he was tidy, cleared up after himself etc. That soon stopped and I was glad when he returned to uni 🤣

He soon met his now wife and now living in his uni town, expecting their first baby, has a fab job and is a happy bunny ( his nickname)

So yes , new beginnings for you all. Feel sad for a bit and then rejoice that he’s moving on with his life and this is what you’ve nurtured him for 💐

Motherbear44 · 20/09/2025 08:43

I get how you feel, I have been there, but those feelings will evolve. I sent my two off to university - and we have a three hour flight to get to uk. I made myself adapt.

I had already started masters level study to give myself some focus when they were gone. It was the best thing I could have done. They were home so soon. It felt like I had only just changed the bedding and they were back again. Then we were thinking about how to celebrate graduation.

Then traveling, job hunting, looking for a new home and becoming parents themselves. It is all the circle of life. It does not end when they get their a level results, it actually gets more fun.

So be kind to yourself and find new ways to fill your days to demonstrate to your offspring that you will manage without them. Adapt to FaceTime and WhatsApp. Welcome them back at Christmas with a big hug and you will see that your family is still strong.

Original poster
Slinky987 · 20/09/2025 08:43

Namechangerage · 20/09/2025 08:40

This is very dramatic and it does come across in your letter. Don’t guilt trip him, you’re still his mum, so no need for the past tense.

My DH is very close to his parents, a lot of men are. You’re spiralling and maybe should get some therapy.

Show quote history

I don't need bloody therapy!!

(I mean, we all need therapy, it's a good thing but I don't need therapy about this. I'm just sad and I think it's ok to be sad sometimes).

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 20/09/2025 08:44

I am envious of you OP. Would love for my autistic son to go to university with the friends he had in primary. Sadly his abilities are very limited and he will stay with us for the unforeseeable future. So I'm sad too. I'm morning for the independant, exciting life he could have had..

Frankenbetty · 20/09/2025 08:47

That book and poem is super cringe! He’ll probably think wtf!!!

TheReformedSlob · 20/09/2025 08:47

It's unfair to try to make OP feel guilty for her perfectly normal feelings.

Donotgogentle · 20/09/2025 08:48

PracticeBestPractice · 20/09/2025 08:12

A ship is safe in harbour but that's not what she's built for.

I love this.

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 20/09/2025 08:49

Well he may hate it and be back home at the end of term. But if not he will be back in 3 years

Skyflyinghigh · 20/09/2025 08:51

Oh I feel for you so much OP. My youngest moved out this year and I felt like you do now. I was so excited for him to finally be fleeing the nest and have his own life but utterly bereft when he went. He has no idea how I really feel as that’s for me to keep to myself but it’s a natural feeling. You are allowed to be sad, you are allowed to cry and feel empty but you will adjust. Your relationship with him will change but will still be good.

RampantIvy · 20/09/2025 08:52

They have reading weeks they can come home for.

Not necessarily. DD didn't.

The summer is 4/5 months long. So hang in there.

Except that many students going into their second and third years like to stay in their university city after they have moved out of halls because they have already started to pay rent on their accommodation, might have found work locally and/or prefer to spend time with their new friends.

@Slinky987 you need to think about how your son feels. If he is happy then you can be happy. Theur is nothing worse than getting a message at 11pm from your student DC asking if it is OK if they ring you, because it is always because they are feeling down. The phrase "you are only as happy as your unhappiest child" is so very true.

But please don't make him feel responsible for your happiness.

This ^^
Also, please don't guilt trip him into contacting you all the time. You want him to want to contact you, not feel like it is a duty.

I didn't feel sad about DD going to university. I was excited for her. She had taken a gap year (not gap yah) to work and volunteer and she was more than ready to fly the nest. I knew she knew how to look after herself - cook, clean, do washing etc. However, I remember feeling a little flat after she went, so I decorated a couple of rooms in the house to keep busy.

@Slinky987 you will get used to the new normal - honestly.

Tumbleweed101 · 20/09/2025 08:52

I’m not quite there as my youngest is still at home and just started college but her siblings are mostly moved out with boyfriends and are working. They spend less and less time at home.

It is a strange time, one of those life changing times for us as parents as we have finished the biggest part of our ‘job’ in raising them to become independent adults. They still need us though, it’s just that they need us in different ways.

In a way I’m finding my family is growing again and reconfiguring as their partners are settling to become part of the family. One day maybe grandchildren will arrive too. Recently my daughter’s boyfriend arranged a birthday party for her and I got to meet all his side of the family - his parents, grandparents and siblings and mix with my family I realised that the family was growing again, adding new branches. Different and evolving.
In time the same will happen with your son. Take a breath and enjoy the quiet lull and look to find yourself again in this gap.

dottiedodah · 20/09/2025 08:52

I have been there OP! As a SAHM I felt the loss so keenly.Luckily my DH had a dinner/dance at a local hotel to DS .We felt so much better after a weekend up there.Seeing where he was living ,meeting his housemates ,getting a feel of the local area.We usually had a visit every term ,and he would come back down as well.Honestly OP it goes so fast and it will be Christmas before you know it! Maybe try and see if you can manage a weekend up there if possible .Just the Travelodge /Holiday Inn(We knew the staff by name at the end of 4 years)and Supper at Harvester/Spoons whatever .xx

CrumbleTum · 20/09/2025 08:52

Wow. Feel the feels OP but those written things are not positive and are not keeping your feelings away from him.

Lanzaroteorgrotty · 20/09/2025 08:56

I totally get it. I was surprised at how sad I felt when my eldest left for university. Be reassured, they do come back and before you know it, it will be Christmas. Allow yourself the time to just feel sad, it’s okay to feel like this. As long as you’re not putting it on him. Hopefully, you can go and visit.

Just be happy for him, which it sounds like you are. What helped me, was focusing on my own interests and hobbies and passions. Wishing you all the best.

topcat2014 · 20/09/2025 08:57

We are trainee pensioners today as I dropped DD off yesterday. (Only DC). We brought a friend of hers on the trip so no tears allowed.

On top of a year of work shite etc. I'm not keen on 50s but it's better than alternative

Hoppitydragon · 20/09/2025 08:57

I get what you are feeling.

My DS left home at 18 to go live with 3 of his mates in a flat about 20 minutes walk away. I sent him away with love and excitement but it was close to Christmas and whilst I was putting up the tree I suddenly realised that it was the last time I would be hanging up some of his ornaments. Cue a huge sobbing mess!

It hit me very hard at the time, also very unexpected. I would say it took me a good six months to stop feeling sad at unexpected moments, to stop cooking too much food, to get used to the silence in the house.

I'm over it now, DS calls in regularly, he's living his best life and we are enjoying ours ( in a much quieter and tidier home)😬, but that first six months hit hard!