Need to restructure our social life now DH has a medical condition.

[Clustershower]

My DH has recently had a health issue that has resulted in him being advised that he needs to eat low fat and avoid alcohol.

I know it sounds like such a first world problem but after raising our children and now having a comfortable income we loved nothing better than eating out, drinking nice wines, having lovely holidays where we’d spend ages looking at different places to eat nice meals and drinks.

Our whole social life revolved around this, it’s all we know!

There’s definitely going to be a period of adjustment but I feel almost cheated now that we can’t really do this any more. I feel I’ve had my enjoyment taken away too as I would feel too guilty to eat and drink what I liked if he can’t.

He’s not the type to expect me to deny myself but it doesn’t seem fair.

Has anyone else had this, it’s not the end of the world but I have to admit I do feel sad about it all.

Can,t believe what i,m reading,selfish,selfish,selfish…all the best to yr husband, hope you look adter him if he gets ill

Hi op,
does he not want to go out if he doesn’t take what he is used to? Surely some alterations on his part can be a joint venture and you can spend time to try and find what you both can have?

It is a very common thing to feel I am
afraid…just be happy now! No more waiting that…”…”

Good luck!

This is why I drink kombucha - i can't stand sweet drinks

I mean, if you want to avoid sugar, chemicals and caffeine then yes, you're going to be pretty limited but if it's just sugar you're trying to avoid then you're pretty spoilt for choice.

I haven't been able to drink alcohol since December (didn't drink much before then, mind you) and don't feel like I'm missing anything. I just have whatever non-alcoholic drink I fancy - sometimes it's sparkling water or a diet coke, sometimes a mocktail or something.

Never tried it so will have a look. Available in pubs and restaurants?

Thank you. Sadly none of that sounds exciting. Perhaps I'm just fussy also I do drink-maybe a glass of wine with supper. That's hard to replace. Mocktails are too sweet for me.

I guess for me it's just a drink - it's not meant to be exciting.

Wine has never appealed to me so I've never missed it. Always had soft drinks or sparkling water with meals even when I was a drinker.

I feel for you. I really do. It’s a huge lifestyle change and no doubt you will feel sad and a bit lost. However, you might find that you get used to the lifestyle. No amount of alcohol free alternatives will give you the high of alcohol but they can be a pleasure to drink and by using a nice glass and making it a ritual, it can help things. There are also so many positives to not drinking. You might even be surprised how much you slip into the alcohol free lifestyle and enjoy yourself as much, if not more.

In terms of food as other people have said, you will find lovely, healthier options as a matter of course at many restaurants. Also, go for your coffee and cake and give your partner a tiny, tiny piece.

Try to think of the changes as a new challenge and different way to ‘be’. Acceptance will come eventually.

Must admit I love a good glass of wine but I have a very effective off switch that means I rarely drink too much, the wine just starts tasting like vinegar so there's no point and I have a cup of tea.

Can he drink any of the non alcoholic drinks that are supposed to give you a buzz, like sentia? https://www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/28331825/teetotal-buzz-40th-birthday-apatogen-nootropic-drinks-no-alcohol/

We both eat a low fat diet by choice, and my husband doesn't drink because he's just not bothered but we have lovely holidays abroad and in this country and eat out. Your habits might have to change, but it is possible.

Not easy, of course. You will both have to re-orientate yourselves in what will be a new marriage. I assume that he loves you and does not want you to change. But he will have to, and he is not forcing anything on you. It is just “circumstances”. You need to negotiate with him how you go forward. You might, for instance, offer to eat the same diet as him and see how he responds. Perhaps he offers to eat s different diet to you. Perhaps, as my wife and I once did, he takes tiny amounts from your plate and wineglass, so that he does not lose that pleasure. And perhaps you now look for other things to share and enjoy?

I don’t drink alcohol ever and fatty , heavy , rich or too spicy foods would make me feel awful 😣 I’d have stomach problems.
We still eat out , we just choose light options .
Recently for example we had some lovely Indian food and often get Japanese food 🍱.
We have a nice mocktail 🍸 and then just water with the meal

San Pellegrino Sanbitters with a little bit of clementine juice is gorgeous.
as is Crodino

I don't have personal experience of this but instead through a family friend; one of my father's close friends suffered severe acute pancreatitis a few years back, including a short coma, and now can't drink at all. I presume his diet is probably quite specific as well. This is a man whose entire social life is going to the pub and for a Friday morning fry up, and while I'm sure it hasn't been easy I can say that all of his friends and family have been incredibly supportive and he's still just as involved as ever!

He drinks no-alcohol beer and cider, though has to be careful because some brands aren't actually completely 0%, and he goes on their friend-group holidays a few times a year which are heavily food-and-drink centred. The whole group do less late nights and less drinking and instead more walking and exploring on their trips, with a big focus on seafood which I've heard has some good low-fat options. It's lead them to some new places and things they wouldn't ever have thought of before, and they all seem just as happy as ever!

That said, it's alright to be sad that things won't be how you expected. You'll figure out how to make the best of things and you won't grieve those opportunities forever, but it's not wrong to feel it. Give yourself some grace as the two of you adjust, not only is it a lifestyle change but imagine the health issues which lead up to it might have been quite scary as well.

@Clustershower I’m the one in my marriage who had a life threatening injury, which has resulted in permanent disability.

It is very possible that your husband will experience depression when the reality of his situation hits him, this is normal after a life-changing event.
Please keep a quiet eye on him.

While I understand your concerns about your social life, I do wonder whether it is your mind’s way of distracting itself? It is something to mourn, without really considering the true awfulness of your husband’s situation.
To be brutally honest: the lack of a bottle of wine and higher fat food is the least of your worries.

In our situation my husband still drinks, neither of us ever drank much, though he likes a pint or two.
I probably could drink, though it wouldn’t mix well with my medication so I don’t drink and I do not miss it at all.
Your DH can have a steak, now he needs to have it with vegetables instead of chips.
It is not the end of the world.

You are allowed to mourn the life you had, you are allowed to be a little bit selfish. Though your DH is ill and he has to be your priority, not your nice bottle of wine.

I have read your OP and my answer to my DH.
This is what he said:
”To move past it you have to accept what has happened and part of that acceptance is acknowledging the things that have changed. Use that knowledge to turn it into a positive and plan your life in the future. If you dwell on what you haven’t got? That way misery and depression lies. You are both alive, with many years ahead of you. Look at the possibilities, look at how you can both move forward and make plans on that basis. Now I am planning to go downstairs and do the ironing.”

I can’t iron any more risk of injury from iron that was his response verbatim.

You said he's fine with you having whatever, and it's you that's "feeling guilty" about doing so. I'm not really sure what the problem is.

If it was along the lines of "Can I continue to include in my diet, what my partner has to exclude in theirs?", it'd at least make sense. However, you already know how he feels about whatever you want to eat/drink, so it sounds more like indecision on your part. You're lucky in this scenario, as you have the luxury of being free to experiment with either decision without consequence.

If you're looking for one of us to decide for you, we can't. Try each, see what you prefer. You can even "moderate" your intake, if that takes your fancy.

Don’t worry too much, I don’t drink alcohol and I don’t miss it if I’m being honest.
instead of sticking strictly to juices on a day out, he can have a fancy mocktail dressed up with a little umbrella or decoration on the side. They make them look pretty these days. Trust me he won’t miss the alcohol. At the end of the day his health is priority. It’s a no brainier

OP I completely get where u r coming from - grieving for the lifestyle that was & the one you’d hoped to have in the future. I appreciate that some people can just stop alcohol/ have AF drinks etc & not miss it. But we’re all wired differently; especially if you appreciate quality wines. I’m afraid my DH & I find AF life rather flat & joyless! So I can offer no solutions on the alcohol front but u do have my sympathy. As for food, there are certainly loads of really tasty & enjoyable low fat options these days - but I’m sure u miss just being able to pick whatever u like from the menu.
So my sympathies to u. I hope ur DH’s health improves and that you find a way to navigate this & have fun in other ways! x

1

I had to give up alcohol 5 years ago for health reasons and felt so sad that my DH and I no longer had this part of our lives anymore, when we enjoyed drinking together as you did… as time passes it becomes easier but socialising is no longer as enjoyable for me sadly, especially when all our friends are drinking alcohol too and I feel like the odd one out.
You can still have a drink but I do sympathise that your social life will change, it is definitely like grief for your ‘old’ life so don’t feel selfish, he probably feels it too.
We’ve had to find other things to do together that we both enjoy, we now bike ride regularly and started running together. We still enjoy cooking nice meals together and going out for dinner, I just don’t have the wine. It’s a different lifestyle but I feel so much better for it, and as fitness has become more important to us, a nice bottle of wine is no longer centre stage for us because he knows I have to do this to stay healthy.
My DH still does out with his mates and has a good drink btw, so don’t deprive yourself of nights out when you can have a drink without him.

I think what is key is how your husband feels about this. Is he quite happy to go out and drink alcohol free wine/beer or a mocktail? Or will he struggle with this? I think this is most important.

Personally, I’m not a big drinker but I do always drink when I go out so I know I would struggle here if I was your DH. My son, OTOH is quite a drinker but regularly does detox months and is very happy to go out and drink zero percent beer . Depends on where your DH stands with this.

Foodwise, I think is a lot easier as so many people are looking for healthy options if they are trying to lose weight or support some other health aspect . But again, is it that your DH will struggle if he is put in the position of being the different one?

And are you feeling pressure upon yourself to change your habits because of your DH?