Need to restructure our social life now DH has a medical condition.

[Clustershower]

My DH has recently had a health issue that has resulted in him being advised that he needs to eat low fat and avoid alcohol.

I know it sounds like such a first world problem but after raising our children and now having a comfortable income we loved nothing better than eating out, drinking nice wines, having lovely holidays where we’d spend ages looking at different places to eat nice meals and drinks.

Our whole social life revolved around this, it’s all we know!

There’s definitely going to be a period of adjustment but I feel almost cheated now that we can’t really do this any more. I feel I’ve had my enjoyment taken away too as I would feel too guilty to eat and drink what I liked if he can’t.

He’s not the type to expect me to deny myself but it doesn’t seem fair.

Has anyone else had this, it’s not the end of the world but I have to admit I do feel sad about it all.

There are loads of people having a brilliant time without alcohol. It isn't joyless!

He can have steak and salad, or just coffee. I wish we had more healthy restaurants and smoothie cafes

My god, you can both still go out!! I don’t drink and I’m not boring and stay indoors 🙄. There’s plenty of alcohol free drinks to have nowadays rather than water or a coke.

@Clustershower OP - you are being dramatic - the fact that he'll need to eat healthier and not drink is not a huge adjustment or change to your lifestyle.

I don't drink, don't eat meat, and in general eat very healthy. My partners have always enjoyed wine, and eat meat. And we have always done just what you do on holidays - look for different restaurants, explore cuisines and locations. We share some starters that we both like, and pick other dishes as per taste. He'll have his wine/cocktail/etc. I'll have a mocktail or a soft drink.

The enjoyment of a nice dinner is food, location, company, etc. And you can continue doing it as a couple. It is perfectly fine for one of the people to drink a glass of wine, while the other one is not drinking.
I have been going out with friends who drink all my life - and it's really not an issue.

The adjustment, of course, needs to happen - but it's mostly for him. Depending on how much he used to drink - stopping drinking completely may be the most difficult part of the adjustment. But - it's not something that needs to change your enjoyment of travel, or your lifestyle.

And please - don't make it harder on him by saying that you too will not drink in solidarity. This will make him feel guilty - in addition to dealing with his condition.

It really isn't that simple. I've recently had to go on a similar diet and 90%of restaurant food is off limits. It's extremely limiting from a social point of view. Everyone wants to meet for a meal and/or a drink and it gets pretty boring and disheartening to know you're going for an evening of sparkling water and maybe one thing off the menu that you don't even want.

So I've stopped going as much because it's honestly not that enjoyable. And it means not seeing certain friends. Yes, they weren't "best" friends, more like acquaintances, but I still had a good time.

DH now socializes a lot without me which is shit.

I basically need to find some hobbies and some new friends which is hard to do when you're middle aged.

Not the end of the world but hard nonetheless.

Travel also needs to be adapted and we can't go to nice restaurants. Imagine a weekend away in Rome when you can't touch wine, pizza, pasta or ice cream and you have to get out the salad you made in your Air BnB and eat it in a park. Enjoyable but not the same.

Nothing to cry over.but also you can legitimately feel a bit sad about it.

As others have said, give your head a wobble. It could be a lot worse.

Think Lower fat, healthy options, less alcohol.... you can still have holidays you know eating like this ? Mediterranean diet ? ?

I had the same issue, lost 6 stone, reversed my fatty liver and high blood pressure and I'm loving life as i'll hopefully live longer. I still eat well, drink wine at weekends but better quality so I enjoy it more but less of it.

If you really can't think of a way to enjoy yourself that doesn't involve food or wine, I feel pretty sorry for you.

@Clustershower I've been teetotal for a few years. I'm not sure how drinking alcohol would add to my life, and I'm not sure how your DH's life will be worse without being able to drink alcohol.

OP we had a drastic and picky menu change due to DH's complex medical diagnosis a couple of years ago. I had the same sinking feeling as you when it first happened but we've adapted and found different ways to enjoy food.

Some of the things we've done that might work for you -

I've been making my own piccalilli and experimenting with tarting up low fat mayonnaise into something more tasty. And on fish - something we'd become quite basic with over the years. Now eating much more of in a lot of different ways. I'm also experimenting with baking in ways that avoid flour, haven't had much success yet, but it's a work in progress!

DH has focused on mocktails and makes a mean ginger mint refresher and on salads, which allow huge variety.

We do miss the foods we used to love, and the wine! But we've been really enjoying all the foods we've discovered since. Fish has been a big revelation. We ate it before but only salmon and tuna and the occasional trout. Had kind of forgotten about it, I guess. Now we try all sorts and are loving it.

Eating out is a lot harder. If we try and be spontaneous there's a reasonable chance DH won't be able to eat a full meal. So we eat at home more. Make the effort to set the table properly, light candles, play music, etc. Enjoy the process. We mainly use recipes off the Internet, but we still have a bunch of glossy recipe books that give us ideas and inspiration.

Nevertheless, we have found a few local restaurants that work well so we savour them. If we're going on a break somewhere we put in the effort to identify places we can eat ahead of time, and we have had a bit of a focus on picnics. We have a nice, well provisioned picnic basket in the back of the car and can put together a great lunch from a supermarket anytime (Have had a few rained out meals stuck in the car which were only fun in the "OhMyGod, do you remember when..." sense. But then we've had the odd awful restaurant meal, so it's probably not any worse overall.)

We go out for coffee and ignore the cake. It was a big deal at first but with time we don't miss it so much most of the time. Looking on the bright side, my metabolism has slowed so much I needed to give up the cake anyway, so it's been kind of useful to have DH as the push on that front. DH has taken the opportunity to become a bit of a coffee snob and recently invested in a fancy espresso machine for home and I'm looking at pour over sets - another food focus that we weren't as into before.

First thing, it is ok to be sad a bit about the changes you have to make. And, venting those feelings on MN might be the best way, because this isn't something to discuss with your DP. Kw.

However, I'd hope you'll find out the adjustment won't be that bad.

About the wine relax - we've found out that to share a nice bottle, we don't need alcohol. We got a taster set of natural lemonades (combing different fruits with spices and so on) and now we enjoy opening of a smaller bottle of orange with bergamot.

I get the whole feeling a bit down at having to change and give up something you enjoy. If someone told me I could t run anymore or I became unable to do the sort of mountain biking I enjoy, then I’d struggle for a little bit and miss the things I did. But, I would see it as an opportunity to discover new ways to enjoy myself. You can do this too. Try things you wouldn’t usually have tried because your default would have been to go for a meal. Go on adventures or do more experience type things together such as health retreats or spa days. You could do more cinema trips or try salsa dancing, try a pottery class and have a laugh. If you look, you may be able to find a whole host of other ways to have a great time together. It’s all mind set. And remind yourself daily to be grateful that you have the chance to do this.

Honestly my DP has had to change his diet due to medical issues - it's made no difference at all.
For the first few months we were probably overly cautious and double and triple checking every menu but it quickly became easy to navigate!

Also there are loads of really really nice non-alcoholic wines on the market, and if your DH is so inclined Morgan's do a nice non-alcoholic rum, there are also some really nice non-alcoholic beers and gins too!

Wow! That is so sad! So many wonderful things to do together, so many fabulous places to see. Theatre, opera, musicals, Jazz, festivals, gigs, art exhibitions, swimming, surfing, gym, sailing, golf, cycling to name just a few. I wonder why your main focus is around eating fatty food and drinking alcohol?
I would treat this as a warning, food and alcohol induced illnesses are awful. Be happy that your husband is not seriously ill and enjoy living your lives.

All the same things you do for fun but with a non alcoholic drink and with salad instead of chips on the side of the main. It really is that simple.

The thing is he’s got no choice, he has to make diet changes so it just has to become the new normal. It can be a thing to be dreaded or a thing to be excited about. OP and her DH get to choose which mindset they’re going to go into it with.

This time last year a very blunt nurse told me I had Diabetes, she needed to show me how to inject 8nsulin and then I either had the choice to look after myself properly and make the required changes or in a couple of years she’d be seeing me on the cardiac ward or helping me adjust to having lost my eyesight or foot. She was that forthright. Since then I can count on one hand how many slices of cake I’ve eaten, I’m 5 and a half stone less than I was and my diabetes is in remission. Life is a hell of a lot better now than it was a year ago and if cake was the price then it was a bargain.

As others have said, you don't need to change what you eat too much. When I was pregnant, I didn't begrudge my partner having a beer or eating some soft cheese. There are no medals for martyrdom. If it won't bother your husband, it shouldn't worry you. You might have to avoid the odd restaurant over the years if there is no suitable option for him, but that would be true if he was diabetic, vegetarian or had celiac disease. At home, as others have said, use it to have food adventures with things you wouldn't have tried otherwise. I honestly don't think that this will negatively impact your quality of life.

Dp gets pancreatitis and the pain of it put him off eating out so you may find your husband is less bothered than you!

There are an abundance of low or no alcohol wines or beers for him to try. We had great fun trying them all (my favourite is Kylie’s non alcoholic fizz!).

@567OverwhelmedFTMI am in a very similar position to you and know exactly what you mean. I can maybe eat one thing from a menu if I’m lucky and only really drink water when I’m out and maybe a herbal tea. I am lucky in that my friends are accepting and we go somewhere I can eat something or we do something non-food related.

I don’t even want to go to Italy at the moment as I couldn’t bear to see everyone else tuck in to their amazing pizzas (have been twice when eating normally pre all my digestive issues). We have gone abroad and by the end of every holiday I’m in digestive pain or have diarrhea.

Sounds like we should go away together or be friends - am also middle aged, couldn’t have coped with this as a younger adult.

Try eating at some of the five star hotels, they are always happy to help out with special diets where I live.

Have they suggested alcohol might have caused the attack?

Out of interest, how long has it taken you to lose a stone? I could do with living weight, and suspect not drinking may be yhe way to do it. And well done!

OP, Japanese food is often low fat eg sushi. How about doing a cookery class together?

I also think you’re looking at it a bit all or nothing.

It reminds me of Larry David telling how before his divorce his then wife was upset because he stopped drinking coffee and drank tea instead. He would say to her, what difference does it make what’s in my mug, but she was upset they weren’t drinking coffee together.

This is such a tiny adjustment that it is going to become second nature after a couple of months. A low-fat diet is not really a major lifestyle change. You can still travel and eat in great restaurants. He just needs to make different menu choices.

DH and I both have different medical food restrictions and we still manage to enjoy good meals.

things that may not work anymore are tasting menus and prix fixe menus. As someone with food allergies I admit it can be frustrating to not be able to go somewhere because the menu just isn’t compatible.

I think I’d feel the same way in your shoes OP. We love to share bottle of wine and be spontaneous with food too. I’m sure you’ll settle in to it and it won’t be as different as you’re anticipating but it is an adjustment. You know it’s worth it for his health but can understand feeling a little flat initially to the change. Restaurants are so varied I bet you’ll be surprised by what options you can find.