Need to restructure our social life now DH has a medical condition.

[Clustershower]

My DH has recently had a health issue that has resulted in him being advised that he needs to eat low fat and avoid alcohol.

I know it sounds like such a first world problem but after raising our children and now having a comfortable income we loved nothing better than eating out, drinking nice wines, having lovely holidays where we’d spend ages looking at different places to eat nice meals and drinks.

Our whole social life revolved around this, it’s all we know!

There’s definitely going to be a period of adjustment but I feel almost cheated now that we can’t really do this any more. I feel I’ve had my enjoyment taken away too as I would feel too guilty to eat and drink what I liked if he can’t.

He’s not the type to expect me to deny myself but it doesn’t seem fair.

Has anyone else had this, it’s not the end of the world but I have to admit I do feel sad about it all.

OP I totally get where you’re coming from. DH and I are massively into food and drinks and plan holidays and days out around restaurants and tasting menus. My DH has also had to cut back recently though not as strictly as your DH. Some practical options we’ve found are:

• three meals a day when we are on holiday rather skipping breakfast in favour of lunch then a special calorie and fat laden dinner.
• research galleries and museums that open late. Light meal then gallery or vice versa.
• a lot of high end restaurants are pivoting to lighter lunch menus or a la carte. Your DH might feel like he’s missing out less.
• where its a genuine medical issue I’ve found a lot of restaurants really happy to adapt and fish will come with a citrus dressing instead of hollandaise, salad instead of a rosti, etc.

It is a total change but we’ve got used to it eventually.

I have physical disabilities which have massively limited my social life and even though I’m seven years down the line, adjusting hasn’t got any easier for me and one of the main barriers/challenges/ things that make so self conscious and makes me feel unable to enjoy things the way I used to, is that my husband and close family act like they have to suffer too. I know it’s well meant and I know they’re to be supportive but some of ny family have they said they feel like it’s not fair if they tuck into foods I can’t, or if they enjoy the alcohol that u can’t have. I end up either feeling bad and like I’m the reason they’re miserable and not having fun, or that I have to act grateful and thank them for denying themselves things they like for my benefit.

I do sympathise. Whilst of course you can find low fat food and alternatives to alcohol, it does feel , how can I put it, just less fun, especially on holiday.
I found it hard giving up smoking because of the social side, and I barely drink at all as post-menopause it just doesn't agree with me any more. I can't sit and share a bottle of wine with DH anymore , as it makes me feel too sleepy. I do feel life is less fun, we don't go out as much, there's less hilarity.
But having recognised and acknowledged that this is not what I or you or your husband would have chosen, all you can do is to find ways of enjoying what you can do, and move on.

This. I had to do similar. The problem wasn't me struggling with it but friends saying it was joyless and I needed to live, then being martyrs about what they were eating and drinking when I really wasn't bothered.

I think looking it as an adventurous quest to find the most exciting, delicious low fat food out there and planning all the fun things you'll be able to do as your husband becomes healthier.

Mediterranean and Middle Eastern food/countries to visit a good place to start. Vegan too. There's so much out there.

I wish your husband a deliciously fun return to health :)

What helped for me, as trite as it may sound, was to reframe my thinking about 'good' food. So I made a real effort to think more positively about healthier foods in restaurants and at home. For example, how lovely and fresh an 'elevated' salad is, especially with the addition of herbs like dill and parsley. How gorgeous a simple oven baked side of salmon with slices of lemon, herbs, capers is. Thinking more creatively about the elements of food that I like (which is usually the herbs and spices) and how they can be pulled into new dishes. Replacing a carb-heavy side (e.g. fries) with an additional vegetable on the plate, which again has been cooked thoughtfully, not just boiled and thrown on.
I've also found restaurants more willing than I'd anticipated, to make changes to a menu item if asked.

If it helps to give you perspective.. my son was diagnosed at a young age with Coeliac. This is seriously limiting and we have had to adapt in so many ways to make sure that his health isn’t compromised. We try to ensure that he’s able to attend all activities/parties etc, but it means packing special food, teaching him not to dip into collective bowls of sweets etc, and having to be different from his friends (like when a mother decides to randomly send a cake in for the class for a birthday etc). It changes things for you but it doesn’t mean you can’t still go out and socialise, you just need to adapt to the new reality.

What about trying the CBD drinks together in the evening?
I've not tried them myself but understand they are meant to relax you a bit?

I don't think you are being dramatic at all, the concern over his health combined with learning what he can and cannot do to stay healthy must be overwhelming when you haven't had to consider it before.

Has the Dr said if low/non alc beers and spirits are ok? I know someone who cannot have these as even trace amounts of alcohol can trigger. He might need to stick to true 0.0% certified alc drinks which there are more and more off. Lots of experimenting will be needed which could be interesting and fun. Think how much you will save in taxis!

Eating out will be awkward to begin with but still possible, but I'm sure once he gets used to looking for the right type of food and once he has asked staff a couple of times for medical reasons he needs food cooked with minimal oils, and wants sauces/dressing on the side he will get used to it. Perhaps he can call ahead to restaurants to see if they can cater for him.

Perhaps a bit of a mindset change might help. I don't drink anymore. Even a single glass made me feel dreadful. I upgraded my diet at the same time. High on lean protein, fruit and vegetables, lower on fat. I don't miss my old eating habits at all. Enjoy exercising together or Spa treatments. Perhaps Yoga or meditation.

Whilst it’s a shock don’t be so dramatic about losing a way of life, you won’t. You still goon holiday, you still eat out, he’s just careful in what he eats, plenty of low fat stuff out there. As to alcohol, you have a glass of wine, he has non alcoholic wine and no one knows

how do you think the millions of people who have stomach and bowel issues that require special diets manage? Do you think they stay at home, and don’t do anything?

No we don’t, we go out but carefully choose what we can eat,

Just stop feeling sorry for yourself

Sorry, forgot to say taste buds do change ... Things that he loves now will become sickly to him if he sticks to it ... And craving fruit and salads isn't a far off dream ;)

he needs to eat low fat and avoid alcohol.

I don't even understand HOW this stops anyone from going out, going on holiday, going to nice restaurants. It prevents wine tasting, but apart from that?

You can sit and chill without booze.
If that's ALL you did, it will do you a world of good too by the sound of it.

Why does he need to know?

Thing is once you've had acute pancreatitis there is no drink in the world that's worth risking that again. I also had it for no known reason. I can't actually remember what the pain was like because your brain blocks it out, but I know it was the worst thing I've ever felt and I never want to feel it again, and that I was vomiting from pain and couldn't talk. Things I'd previously considered very painful, like a torn ligament, aren't even on the same scale. I've heard doctors say its the equivalent of being stabbed in the abdomen which sounds about right.

I've a friend with a gastric band, friend on mounjaro, friends with dietary issues. I'm low fat, gluten intolerant myself. We all go out together and have fun.

My husband hoovers up fatty foods, while I eat fish and salads. It doesn't bother us at all.

I have to agree with this. I am sure you are able to relax and enjoy yourselves without alcohol.

And if not, that’s probably something you might want to address?

This. I rarely drink if we go out in the evening and never have alcohol at lunchtime. It makes me feel muddle headed since the menopause and I don't like that. I am well on the way to losing a stone to get back to being a size 10. I choose the lowest fat option available ( e g chicken tikka rather than chicken tikka masala). My husband always has a beer or a glass of red wine when we are out and , as he is tall and slim, he eats whatever he wants . My exhusband was an alcoholic with no gall bladder ( surgically removed) and a tendency to get pancreatitis. If your husband is starting to get pancreas issues then he very, very much needs to stick to the diet. I believe there are few things as excruciating as pancreatitis.If you do the same you may well find that you feel an awful lot better

You just need to rethink the type of restaurants you visit - not so much pubs or pizza for example but more Lenanese Turkish, Japanese.

I hardly ever drink these days because it makes me feel awful. It's worth experimenting to try something he likes. I like kombucha.

It's a tad dramatic to say your social life needs to change. You absolutely can still go on amazing holidays, you can also eat out at nice restaurants. Making healthier choices whilst out isn't going to stop you having an enjoyable social life.

With all due respect, I wish my DH had been told that instead of being diagnosed with inoperable stage 3 colon cancer which has metastasised to his liver at 37! I think you need to think about what you are focusing on. I don't want to be rude, but a change in diet is very minor in the grand scheme of things

This. I rarely drink if we go out in the evening and never have alcohol at lunchtime. It makes me feel muddle headed since the menopause and I don't like that. I am well on the way to losing a stone to get back to being a size 10. I choose the lowest fat option available ( e g chicken tikka rather than chicken tikka masala). My husband always has a beer or a glass of red wine when we are out and , as he is tall and slim, he eats whatever he wants . My exhusband was an alcoholic with no gall bladder ( surgically removed) and a tendency to get pancreatitis. If your husband is starting to get pancreas issues then he very, very much needs to stick to the diet. I believe there are few things as excruciating as pancreatitis.If you do the same you may well find that you feel an awful lot better

Same here - if that's how someone has been socialising for the last goodness knows how many years, it would be very difficult to change.

Me and DP would really struggle if one of us couldn't drink or eat certain things, our whole friendship group revolves around these things. Being a designated driver wouldn't cut it.

Sorry, posted twice!

I understand, OP. He’ll have to be careful from now on. For anyone confused, my brother had severe pancreatitis. He has about a third of his pancreas left and it is now very very delicate. Any slight slip on his part will cause another pancreatic attack.

His limitations now are:
No alcohol ever
No beef
No cheese
No butter
No bacon or sausage
No egg yolks (egg whites are fine)
No biscuits/ice cream/sweets
Nothing fried
Nothing cooked in too much oil or containing too much oil
Very limited sauces or dressings (most contain too much butter/oil/cheese/other fats)

It’s quite limiting and makes eating out difficult because even something that seems healthy might have been cooked in a way that will make him ill. Any flareup could end up being bad enough that his remaining pancreas is no longer functional/sufficient and he needs a transplant. He’s trying hard to avoid that.

Obviously it does impact his wife and their lives/activities as well. He didn’t really eat at their wedding because he didn’t want to risk having an attack and ruining things. It’s gotten easier for them over the years but it’s always limiting.

Good luck to you both, OP. 💐

You have my sympathy, and I feel like a lot of people on here just don't understand (actually, what do they do for fun?) what it's like to be food & wine-centred when it comes to downtime, holidays, and socialising. Maybe there is a book or podcast that might help?