I dont understand why anyone would want children

[Careerchangeplease]

I'll preface this by saying I can sort of semi understand why people with lots of money and time and support etc would have a more enjoyable time having kids but for the 90% of the population, I dont understand why anyone would want to have kids and give themselves

• less sleep and rest
• more work
• more stress
• less money
• more worry/anxiety
• less free time
• less relaxation/leisure time

All the stuff that comes with pregnancy and birth, pain, bleeding, prolapses etc etc Not to mention all the shit things that are happening in the world, the fact that the kids will probably never be able to buy a house, cost of living is just getting worse etc Obviously each to their own and live and let live but am I missing something?

@MellowPinkDeer Your children are trying/have tried to ruin your life? Are you being abused by an adult child? 😱

Totally agree with this about online pessimism. I have friends who absolutely love kids but decided against because of this or that worry of the future, of things that might not even happen.

Joy
love
purpose
pride
fulfilment
happiness
fun and laughter
nurturing and caring
sense of belonging and your role
Creating a family
amazing birth experience
great company
learning from your children
exploring the world through their eyes
deep sense of connection

just some to counter your list. Obviously we are all different and not everyone agrees. My children are the absolute best part of my life.

Yeah OP I'm with you. Found MN over 15 years ago and keep lurking here because i find it interesting, but parenting is not for me! I do get why people do it, the positives are just not quite clear enough for my liking while the negatives are almost inevitable. I know to a parent they are very obviously worth it.

I'm early 30s and noticed that only my male friends have become parents, my female friends like me are staying childfree, sharing Instagram reels from The Girl With The List and other childfree influencers. Obviously at this point that could change, we have time, but it's very different to my mum. She was 26 when she had me!! I am grateful my mum was open about the fact that she wasn't planning to have me, and that she saw a different life for herself. She said she wouldn't change anything, but she could easily have been happy without a child. I feel like she is only just getting to be herself now, and she deserves that. I think my major gripe with being a mum is that every mum I know, including my own, put their own needs and wants dead last.

What I want is to use that freedom my mum didn't have and appreciate the options it gives me. It doesn't mean I should replace a child with work or travel or whatever - I don't think that's possible. I have to be comfortable with the idea that maybe I am missing out on something. I don't think I am, but inevitably people will see it that way. That's OK!

Thanks for replying. Of course you prioritise your daughter, that’s natural. If I’m coming over as defensive, it’s because the overall impression I’m getting from this thread is that life isn’t really worth living without children. I absolutely do not feel that way. In coming to terms with not being able to have children, and building a different (but equally good) life to the one I was expecting to have, I’ve learned and grown and matured as a person just as much as those who have had children.

I absolutely can’t relate to you OP. Having children has been the most fulfilling experience of my life. The rewards go far beyond the challenges and sacrifices you mention. It’s so wonderful it’s hard to describe.

Sometimes good things require hard work — and you get out what you put in.

Of course life is worth living without children!!!

We had fertility issues for many years and had started planning for our potential child free life if the last round of IVF hadn’t worked.

My DH and I love our children and naturally our life has centred them. But the youngest is about to leave home so once again we are planning for a new phase of our life as empty nesters. We aren’t going to be worthless just because the kids have left home!

I have lots of friends who are child free and have interesting, fulfilling and full lives.

There’s more than one way to build a happy and successful life.

Just remember you don’t have to knock down anyone else’s choices in order for yours to be equally valid.

If you think about it OP there is an element of irrationality and denial in having children at all at this point in history because we are sadly entering what looks to be unstoppable, catastrophic climate change. It just shows how much human beings are governed by emotion rather than fact that most people are just carrying on as normal. Life is going to be very different for our kids' and their kids' generations. And yet I wouldn't let this stop me either if I really wanted a child - that just isn't how human beings work.

The love I have for my children is by far the biggest miracle I have ever experienced- it goes far, far beyond any other type of love - it’s so completely selfless, unconditional, and endless that any other emotion I’ve ever felt fades into insignificance. I’ve found many ages / stages and moments of parenting incredibly hard to cope with, but my love for my children is the one true miracle of my life and I’m grateful every single day (even the hardest ones) for the privilege of being their mum.

Having said that, I always wanted to be a mum, even as a child, it’s a strong instinct I’ve always had. However, I absolutely wouldn’t ever want to try to persuade someone who didn’t feel those instincts to have a child - for all the reasons you listed in your op - I don’t think motherhood is right for everyone.

is mums net not a site for mums? but poster has come on here who doesn’t have or want children to basically debate / argue with mums over wether they made the right decision In having children ? 🤣

love my children both are SEN, life is bluddy hard but could I imagine it without them ? No I couldn’t , they both bring so much joy into a life that was quite honestly pretty rubbish before they came along .

It’s not an easy job, but nothing worth doing tends to be easy!

I am very happy I had my 2 boys, even the difficult times have helped me become stronger as a person and understand the true meaning of unconditional love.

Thank you universe for sending those boys to me!!!

@fetachocolate Tbh, if we apply pure logic, none of us would be here. Imagine having a child in the1930’s or 40’s during the Depression and then a world war looming, or those children having their families during the Cold War when nuclear war was a very real threat. I was born in the 1970’s and that was a grim time in the UK.

There’s nothing unique about this point in history when it comes to having children in bleak circumstances, though. Francis Bacon described having children as ‘giving hostages to fortune’ in 1625. People have continued to have children through wars, sieges, famines, pandemics, depressions, in situations of enormous danger and poverty.

I agree, and I haven’t actually been knocking anyone’s choices, but rather taking issue with things other people have said about life without children.

The climate crisis is entirely, entirely unique in human history. The only thing comparable is the nuclear threat. Honestly, I envy people who don't know this.

@fetachocolate Hindsight is a wonderful thing though. Previous generations didn’t know that that their children would survive
and make huge scientific and medical advances; likewise, we don’t know how future generations will adapt to climate change or what scientific discoveries will be made. I’m not writing off humankind yet.

It is exhausting. But the sheer amount of love and joy they bring to my life makes it more than worth it.

I was being mildly sarcastic, there has defo been times I’ve the last 16 years where I’ve felt like they were out the get me though!! Parenting is bloody hard work!

It is all those things you describe but they do also bring a lot of love and joy to life. For me, I never considered not having them. I love my family, I hate the thought of not having a family in 30 years time because I didn’t have my own children. I also loved my childhood and having children lets me be nostalgic and relive bits of it through them. I love seeing my parents as grandparents, it’s like a new chapter in our relationship. Also - this is probably weird - but I have this huge sense of duty to continue the family line haha … it might be because I love history and family trees but I just can’t shake the thought that people have been reproducing for thousand of years to get me here and I can’t just “stop”.

Many reasons but ultimately unconditional love. I love my son more than anything else in the world. I love our bond and seeing his lovely personality shine through makes me swell with pride more than any of my other achievements

All of your points are true- but completely transactional. Im not saying that having kids is easy, but the wonder and miracle of creating another being, watching them grow and develop into a complete and separate person, having the privilege to support that, and yes try to be different to your own parents, experience the innocence and see the world through a child’s eyes, feel completely loved, I could go on! They are the best part of my day and life.

H

Why do we have children? Firstly if we didn't our species would eventually die out! Yes this may be a shit world to bring children into financially , mentally, emotionally & physically, without hardly any jobs for people who are already here, but me personally I couldn't imagine a life without my own 3 my 7 GD my GGS & my GGD they make my life feel so full of love happiness laughter & surprises, they are the most precious gift i have ever had in 44 years of my first DD being born.
Each to they own obviously, not everyone wants to experience the most beautiful pure unconditional love. But for me the positives they bring it greatly over rides the negatives every single time.

I have chosen not to have children. My reasons are that I need peace and quiet, I like pottering about and having freedom and sleep. And for me, from the outside, there is too much drudgery in child rearing.

However, that's. not to say that I don't understand the benefits of children. I think they can be an enormous source of joy, they give life a purpose and structure and are more people in the world to share your love with. I totally get it.

It's just not for me.

We’ve had people come over to the Mumsnetters Without Children board to tell the childfree posters they’ve made the wrong decision and will regret it later in life when they’re lonely and have no one to look after them.