I dont understand why anyone would want children

[Careerchangeplease]

I'll preface this by saying I can sort of semi understand why people with lots of money and time and support etc would have a more enjoyable time having kids but for the 90% of the population, I dont understand why anyone would want to have kids and give themselves

• less sleep and rest
• more work
• more stress
• less money
• more worry/anxiety
• less free time
• less relaxation/leisure time

All the stuff that comes with pregnancy and birth, pain, bleeding, prolapses etc etc Not to mention all the shit things that are happening in the world, the fact that the kids will probably never be able to buy a house, cost of living is just getting worse etc Obviously each to their own and live and let live but am I missing something?

Love.

simply love. To give love, to feel the most intense love possible.

also biologically we’re designed to want to.

your replies seem like maybe you need a little more love in your life. Very spiky and aggressive replies

I 💯 understand your post. Unless you’ve experienced a mother’s love, you couldn’t possibly understand 🙂

I wasn't sure if I wanted children. I didn't really know any, and only heard negative things about partenhood, like those you've listed.

Similarly to a pp, my life can be divided into sections: childhood, uni/years with my ex-boyfriend, single 30s, and motherhood/wife 40s.

I did loads of travelling in my 20s/30s. I still travel with my 4 year old and it's great. So far motherhood is the best time of my life!

Simply, having children was the best thing I ever did. They make my life complete. They give me so much joy. I love them more than anything else in the world.
If you don’t have children it’s just something you will never understand.

There have always been super-wealthy people and poor people - if you were born into a poor family in the 19th century you had pretty much no chance of getting anywhere near a comfortable life. The idea that it's all so much worse now is odd. Regardless of whether your child will ever be wealthy or not, there's nothing to say that they're going to have an awful, poverty-stricken life.

Where has this grinding pessimism come from?

I just don't find it that bad. I'm not mentally exhausted form my children. Work- yes, but my not my children. The years where they require so much are short really. I have more sleep and rest now than I ever did. Its not all doom and gloom. My children are great to be around. They help out with jobs, take out the rubbish, wash the windows etc. They're not particularly messy, maybe they leave the odd thing lying around, but nothing to get worked up about. The only thing I will say is I do put them first, and I would go without if needed. That said we are in a good financial position.

One of life's great adventures

Why do child free people always think that parents are constantly worrying? I don't worry constantly about my children. If you are an anxious person, you will worry regardless.

And I don't put their needs above myself all the time. When they were little, yes. Now not so much.

Anyway am just back from DS's graduation, and it was one of the best and proudest days of my life. Yes, yes it's his achievement not mine, but I can still be proud.

@CharlotteRumpling I’m similar and MN makes me wonder whether I’m weird for not constantly worrying about my children!

I”m diagnosed with GAD so in theory, I “should” be a really anxious parent, but for some reason, I have faith and confidence in them that they’ll make good decisions and be fine long-term.

Is that unusual? Should we be worrying more?

Why do child free people always think that parents are constantly worrying? I don't worry constantly about my children. If you are an anxious person, you will worry regardless.

I've read on here "it's like having your heart walking around outside your body "it's like watching your child trying to cross a busy motorway.". Some parents obviously do worry.

Well, MN is full of deeply anxious and paranoid people. I wouldn't take it as a barometer. And those of us who don't worry wouldn't start threads on how we don't worry that much

Heart walking around outside my body sounds so excessively dramatic.🙄 Mothers run countries, perform heart surgery, stop riots, build bridges...how would we accomplish anything if we were constantly worrying and obsessing about our children?

My DD lives and works in a developing Asian country. More power to her, I say.

Your list equates to a clinical assessment of child rearing as if it was just that, devoid of emotion and a clinical assessment. Yes it is not easy some of the time.

Raising a family is way more than your list, its cherishing, nourishing, heart lifting moments, time, family, feeling. Feeling more excited watching your children get excited say about Christmas than your own memories as a child. It’s feeling them grow inside you, seeing the joy of you and your DH/x making one being, seeing them develop and grow.

In Summary it’s not so much a decision or act, it’s an answer to love.

Really quite annoying and patronising when people say things like this - I don't have children but do understand why people have them. Human beings want love and to feel love. One only needs to have been a (loved) child once to understand how strong that bond is.

You could ask the same about anything that takes time and effort, like pets, sports etc.

Having children is like unlocking a new level of life, it’s a love you never knew possible, it’s being part of a community you can only observe from the outside without them. It’s special days out as a family and re discovering the magic of Christmas. I wouldn’t feel I had experienced everything in life without having my child. And as a parent of a child with a disability you could times your list by ten for me, it’s still not the minutest fraction against the joy and happiness my child has brought to my life.

there's nothing to say that they're going to have an awful, poverty-stricken life.
I only stated that my child would never be wealthy.

Where has this grinding pessimism come from?
A lot of looking into how the world works and questioning everything. I’m a curious being! I’m actually optimistic that something can be done but it could take decades. Mostly because it’s so hard to get people to think past the “they would move!” and “everyone would just be lazy!” rhetoric.

Rationally you wouldn’t, if you just make a list like that.

But having children has just scratched some very deep, existential itch that I almost didn’t know was there. Like “oh right THIS is the point of it all”. Which doesn’t mean it’s not exhausting and exasperating and difficult because it is all of those things. But it feels just very fundamentally important in a way that’s quite hard to explain.

I wasnt even very maternal or broody before I had children. It felt like it might be the biggest mistake of my life. But as soon as I had them I knew.

children are pretty annoying tbh, expensive, suck the joy out of stuff. Try and ruin your life.

you live and learn, eh?

if I had my time again, knowing what I know now. I possibly wouldn’t have had any. Especially into this world in which we all now live.

Board game nights, hugs, that feeling when you hear them talking about ‘their mammy’,, weirdo chats at three o clock in the morning when they had a bad dream and they decide they want a chat, road trips, trips to the beach, the digging of sandcastles, the walks, trampolining, the first time they pedal on a bike, the first time they breathe underwater and look up to make sure you saw, the ‘mammy why don’t you sit down’ thing, the first time they read or say a word, the hilarious mispronunciations, family film night or going to the cinema to watch cartoons, the feeling of their hand in yours, the weird in jokes, the time you finally get to laugh after you’ve all had the worst holiday ever, the feeling when you realise they’re independent, seeing yourself or your parent in them, the general craziness. They’re literally the best thing and most worthy thing I’ve ever created and they’re my right arms

edited to add when you’re in Aldi and you hear one of them say ‘my god that’s a ridiculous price’ the way you say it😅

Just to echo what other people have said- logically and rationally it doesn’t sound like a pleasure and I certainly knew I was too selfish in my early/mid twenties to give up some of those aspects you listed as I was thinking very logically then.

however… the biological desire to contribute to the survival of the species kicked in during my late twenties and I have absolutely loved having children and never knew I could love someone else so completely and unconditionally - life just expands to absorb everything, sometimes you are up early and think you’ll never sleep properly again and then you blink and they are teens and bringing you cups of tea in bed after your lie in!

As is the way in life, the hard times usually make the good times even better.

This may sound twee or farcical but having kids has literally unlocked a whole new world for me (with regards emotions, experiences, love, appreciation).

Pre kids was life, post kids is life 2.0

They're hard work, but so is anything worth doing.

Having them around is just incredibly enriching and fulfilling, and has added dimensions I didn't know exist.

My sibling doesn't want children and I secretly feel sorry that he'll never experience this. Of course I'd never tell him this. And I assume he pities me when he sees me running around after the chaos at family meet ups!

but am I missing something?

That we are humans and they are the continuation of our species and we love them?

My DC have ADHD and ASD and I have zero regrets about having them. Obviously I have worries about them and the world around them that I might not have if they were NT but they're brilliant and the world is a better place for having them in it.

but am I missing something?
Yes but it seems you've made your mind up that having kids is a shit idea

It's a bit of a pointless argument but it's weird that you state with such confidence that your child would never be wealthy. While it is true that wealth breeds wealth and most people are wealthy due to inheritance and/or nepotism, a significant proportion of wealthy people started out poor. Anyway, the point I was making was that being wealthy doesn't really matter - plenty of people aren't and they have perfectly good lives.

The level of pessimism that I see (mostly online) genuinely worries me. If people give up to the point that they just won't create a new generation that pretty disastrous IMO. It's a self-fulfilling level of hopelessness, in that, if one generation just decides nothing's going to get better, then nothing will get better.

There's parts of parenting that are awful. I had a really difficult pregnancy, I had a very fussy baby and the physical and emotional stress was overwhelming at times. However I really don't regret any part of it. Life has completely changed but there's so many wonderful parts to seeing your child grow and develop. I definitely wouldn't be able to go through it again but I'm very happy my life as it is now.