I dont understand why anyone would want children

[Careerchangeplease]

I'll preface this by saying I can sort of semi understand why people with lots of money and time and support etc would have a more enjoyable time having kids but for the 90% of the population, I dont understand why anyone would want to have kids and give themselves

• less sleep and rest
• more work
• more stress
• less money
• more worry/anxiety
• less free time
• less relaxation/leisure time

All the stuff that comes with pregnancy and birth, pain, bleeding, prolapses etc etc Not to mention all the shit things that are happening in the world, the fact that the kids will probably never be able to buy a house, cost of living is just getting worse etc Obviously each to their own and live and let live but am I missing something?

😂

I’m going to try answer each point although fundamentally it does just seem very obvious that everyone enjoys different things. I can’t imagine training for a marathon but I get others might find it fulfilling!

Sleep - fair enough, I’d like more, but I’m also aware this is just for a short period of time so I’m willing to sacrifice a few mornings in bed to have amazing little people in my life - a few years is actually short enough in the grand scheme of life!
More work - it’s rewarding, same as doing any task you love I suppose? I can’t imagine a life with no work, be it parenting/working for money/volunteering etc.
more stress - yes, but also more joy (for me). Money wise - I have enough and if I didn’t have kids sure I’d probably have more designer handbags…. But material things don’t particularly bring me a lot of joy, whereas a hug and my child falling sleep holding my hand really do.
more worry - absolutely, pieces of my heart walk around outside, but worry is part of love. I worry about my parents, my husband, my friends - but living a life devoid of companionship for fear of potentially losing said companionship…. Isn’t rational.
less free time - I enjoy spending time with my kids , it’s not a chore, they are really good company!
less leisure time - I do fun things with my kids and I enjoy it. Being with them doesn’t make the activity awful for me .

I think if you don’t want or enjoy children of course parenthood seems like drudgery, but if you want and love your children, spending time with them makes you happy.

in terms of the world going to crap, I hope I’m instilling values and drive in my children to make the world a better place.

@Psychologymam this!!

totally agree - spending time with your kids IS leisure time.

and sure I’d have more money if I didn’t have them, but when you have them you realise you want to spend your money on experiences with them and their future. You realise what life is really about ❤️

Only on MN would a post as harmless as this trigger a bitchy reply 🤣🤣 going out with friends “all the time” was what I said. That’s pretty universally read as partying. I got bored being off my face at 3am every Saturday night and boozing all the time. It’s called growing up. My friends haven’t got bored of me yet..I still have them all and I spend plenty of time with them with and without my kid, most of them have kids too so we do loads of things together with our kids. Everyone’s happy with this arrangement so you don’t need to worry about my social life anymore mum 🤣

That poster seems to have been really triggered by this thread sadly, and is replying in a defensive and odd way to my posts too, so I would just mentally file under ‘ignore’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

I thought they sounded triggered too. Also “shouldn’t neglect friends or be reliant on them for your social life” is a contradiction!

Love outweighs a lot of things.
I know people who have stayed with husband or wife throughout an illness, despite the fact that it was difficult and costly and limiting and in fact, did not always end well.

If you value a life without the negatives listed in your post then don't have kids for sure. But for many, the counter list does provide enough to tip the balance.

Kids or no kids.
Doesn't really matter to anyone else in the end.

It's how you approach life that's important.

I meant to type “or be reliant on your daughter for your social life”. I read a good few of posts on here from UK’s who say they don’t have any friends, and I wonder why that is I haven’t been triggered by this thread, I have expressed some different opinions to some posters and that’s been interpreted as my being dogmatic!

Not UK’s, mums.

Exactly!! I have 2 children, I wouldn't be without them, never ever wished I hadn't had any children. However I have no problem understanding or appreciating some people would prefer to be childless and would be happier that way because people are different and want different things, this thread is so odd. Are we all supposed to be convinced that we didn't really want our kids after reading the OP? 😂

Plus you could say it about anything - if you love skiing and spend lots on equipment and holidays, you could make the argument you’d have more money without it - what’s the point of collecting money if you don’t plan to use it on things/people you enjoy!

I agree, but I still really wanted my daughter and love being a Mum. I can't explain it either.

If i was to have kids nowadays no chance would I do it. Every second child is either adhd or autistic. Sorry but that's not the life for me. It's stressful enough working with them. Which actually was the main reason I quit.

These points are all fair and very true. I’ve lost a lot of these by having my son but he also gave me a completely different outlook on life and seeing him experience the world with brand new eyes and being part of his journey is really wonderful. I was 39 when I had him with a very good career and established. He gave me a new sense of purpose.

You don't have to understand it. Having children is a choice just like there is a choice not to have children. You chose not to which is also fine not everyone wants the same things. You don't have to judge anyone who chooses differently to you. I mean you're not a parent nor do you want to be one yet you chose to join a parents forum to ask why they chose to be parents.

Hi, the early years are hard but my children are now 18 and 23 and a joy to be with.
They also choose to spend copious amounts of time with us, Grandparents and Aunt, Uncle etc.
I know, not every parent has this but genuinely - we also love spending time with our adult children.
So for me, the early years hard work was worth the enriching relationship we now have

Good question. I had the exact same thoughts before having kids. In the end, FOMO (and seeing other people enjoying motherhood) definitely played a part, and now I have two children. To be completely honest, right now I do feel less happy than I was pre-kids. But I’m holding onto the hope that as they grow older, I’ll see more of the benefits - like not being lonely in later life, and having that family bond. Who really knows how it will all turn out though.

I have never once regretted having children, they are the loves of my life and they make me laugh every day. The exhaustion of young babies doesn’t last long. I can only speak for myself, but I automatically put them before myself in virtually all decisions without question. To me that’s what parents do and it is not a hardship. There was a point when I didn’t think we could have children - it took years and a fair amount of fertility treatment. I would have had a very different life - not worse or better, just different. Parenting is a choice I would make over and over again.

You do seem very defensive though. I certainly don’t rely on my daughter for my social life! As a 35-year-old woman, my idea of a social life isn’t playing mummies and babies, colouring in and going to trips to the park to play on the swings 🤣 I still do all those things with her though, and enjoy doing them, because we have a lot of fun together, I love seeing her enjoying herself and I love every minute of the time I spend with her. And yes, I’d prefer spending the day with her over a night out drinking with friends. There’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t get to see her every day, her dad has her almost half the week and I miss her a lot when she’s not with me. That’s also completely normal. I have plenty of friends who I socialise with when I don’t have her and she has plenty of friends her age. But when she’s with me I’m always going to prioritise her because she’s my daughter and I love her and that’s what she deserves

Its the love. That's what you get.

Its love and bond and connection unlike any other.

Most people form relationships for the relationship rather than for a host of pragmatic reasons, like those in your list.

Its the same with kids but to the power 1000.

I used to not want kids but then ended up with kids and now I am like, ' oh I get is now, its the love'. My eldest is 12.

You know your on MUMsnet???? 😂

The counter points people have given about how much you love them etc still dont outweigh anything I've talked about

This is one of the saddest things I have ever read.

yep, not a very sensible or sensitive post to put on mumsnet. Also honestly just pointless and self indulgent of OP.

Objectively, if you put it on a pro con list or did a financial spreadsheet then you're right, it's a bit shit. That's not really how life works though, we get immense emotional connection from our children, I love seeing them grow and achieve and live, I am genuinely happier seeing them do something they love, than actually doing it myself. The same can be said to an extent of caring for anything, pets require exercise, effort, money and basically give you nothing other than strokes. Being into anything, or looking after anything is the same.
Some people have the drive to care for and raise a little human (biology also gives a huge hormone hit from doing this) and some don't. I love having/caring for my kids, as well as loving them (if that makes sense) but I do know some parents who do find the whole thing a big cost, effort, drain. So I don't think you're wrong as such, it's just that you can't boil it down to "but you have to wipe their bums, and pay for all their food and they don't really do anything for you". It's not a material/objective thing. It's clearly not for you if you're not getting why people do it, which is fine, but lots of people love being parents and they're not wrong either.