Help asking to bring baby to a wedding

[Fedup2910]

So ladies, I need your help to try and ask my friend to bring baby to wedding.
DD 9 months is EFB, I have been trying to weeks to get there to take a bottle but she won’t. My mum is coming to look after both my kids.
Realistically I can’t leave DD 9 months for like 11 hours without milk can I?! So she’ll need to come, I’m thinking for the ceremony and then wedding breakfast, and then home between breakfast and reception, I’ll supply my own food for her and remove her if she was to make noise.
It isn’t completely no kids at wedding, it’s no friends kids, only family kids (one of which is the same age as my baby).
I don’t think I’m being unreasonable to ask? I just need help composing a message.
Only other time I’ve left my baby was for 5 hours to go to the hen do.
Only other alternative is I drive home a couple times in the day and leave the wedding to feed her which I don’t really want to do as it’s half an hour each way.

All these people saying no need for milk.
milk is their main food until 1.

We wanted a child free wedding - our wedding was not baby or child appropriate - nothing for them to enjoy. We and all the guests enjoyed themselves. No one declined the invite although.

for me, I didn’t want them as we didn’t have any room and most of the weddings I have been to it was the same reason. We didn’t have space for high chairs and no other space to sit them. We were already over capacity with adults. A breastfeeding baby would have been fine but I had zero ability to seat nor feed any child.

when my children were small I was thrilled to not have to attend with them. It was a night off we could relax with friend and family. The weddings we brought them due to being bridesmaids were a pain as my DH and I had to tag team in the hotel once they had to go to bed. Was a bit miserable during the day as I was just looking after them rather than engaging with the other guests.

If you are taking the baby home between the breakfast and the reception why don’t you leave baby with your mum while you go to breakfast and reception and then come home to feed. You can do a couple more feeds before you go back to the reception. That does not entail more driving. Whilst you adore your baby not everyone at a wedding will feel the same and other guests with similar age children may have declined the invite or made arrangements for a sitter at the venue. Different for family

At 9 months old a BF baby can be left (not EBF as assuming they eat food as well?). My youngest was this age when I went back to work - absolute boob monster! I was out of the house for 13 hours - managed fine with food and some milk in a cup (just then fed all night!). I wouldn't ask a friend to take them at this age (9 weeks, yes as they rely on milk, but not at 9 months).

I understand the difficulty of leaving a bottle refuser for any length of time OP as both my sons absolutely refused to take bottles of any kind (and I could have opened a bottle shop with the number of different ones I tried!) plus to further complicate matters they were both cows' milk allergic. It makes leaving a baby a lot more difficult than if they will take a bottle and it can be stressful for whoever is looking after them but it can be done. I had no choice - I needed to go back to work so I had to find solutions.
By 9 months your baby may well still be breastfeeding a lot but they're not 100% reliant on breastmilk so you breastfeed feed your DD before you go and leave other foods with plenty of fluid in them , such as yoghurts or stewed fruit, plus water to drink. If it's only half an hour to the venue you could go home for a feed in the middle of the day, or meet your Mum somewhere mid way. What's the venue like? Are there gardens/a play area at or near the venue where your Mum could take the children and you could get her there?
To be honest, I'd probably decline the invitation or just go for part of the day to avoid a lot of hassle but I'm not much of a party person so I wouldn't mind not staying for the whole day. I wouldn't ask outright to bring the baby if it's been made clear that she's not invited. If the bride asked why I'd say "oh you know, baby is still breastfeeding a lot and I'm not comfortable with leaving her for that long." If she then offered, that would be one thing, but I wouldn't ask. It is thebride and groom's day and whether it is what we'd do ourselves or not, it is up to them who they invite. Saying a wedding is child free or family children only and then making exceptions can be difficult. I've seen plenty of posts on here over the years when someone has made arrangements for their children to be looked after so that they can attend a "child free" wedding only to find other people's children there when they get there and it, not surprisingly,causes offence and upset. If your friend makes an exception for you then there may be lots of others who also want to bring their kids. Personally I'd go for a polite decline or try to work out something with your Mum to meet up midway.

I've got DC, even when they were young I massively preferred childfree weddings.

Exactly this. There is no reason you need to actually be at the wedding for 11 hours go for 5 and take it from there if your mum is managing with her and she is eating her meals/snacks and drinking water or whatever from a cup then stay but if not and she really needs her milk then say your goodbyes and leave early. It’s disrespectful to the bride and groom to even think about asking them when they have already made it clear that children are not invited.

I had a bottle refuser AND at 9m he was barely eating. He didn't really accept food until 12m.

I still would have been able to sort myself out enough to say, go for the ceremony, dip out to feed somewhere well out of the wedding, then go back in for a bit, then home.

Or just not go.

We had a crèche at our wedding for the ceremony, and we were clear that kids over 6m had to go in the crèche, and parents could stay with them, but we weren't having them in the ceremony. The two newborns were quiet, and everyone else either didn't bring their kids or left them with the fully qualified nursery staff.

When my 8 month old started day care she was EBF. She ate her breakfast lunch & dinner for them but didn’t drink any of the bottles of my milk I sent in or anything for that matter! (Did start drinking water with her meals there when she settled) She survived & adapted to only BF morning & the evenings on my working days. I continued this until she naturally stopped at 16 months. Your baby will be fine for a day.

This.
It’s such awful manners to ask the Bride to change her planned wedding for you.
Why don’t people recognise a sense of entitlement when it jumps up and bites them on the nose?
If you choose not to leave your baby, then like with any other reason for difficulty attending, you politely decline and wish them well.

OP I assume you know that EBF means your baby ONLY has breast milk, nothing else. Surely your baby is not EBF at 9 months old?!!!!

My youngest was a complete refuser of all bottles, cups and containers (and water and food!) until he was just about 20 months. He would have needed an NG tube if I had have left him for full days.

I think in this situation I would either decline or drive home / ask someone to remain nearby and meet them every couple of hours, if baby isn’t well settled and filling up on solids. If they are eating well, see how long you can manage without being needed to nip home and maybe take a pump for your own comfort if it’s longer than expected? (If they start to get fussy someone could tell you and you could make a move to leave and then return?).

Definitely wouldn’t ask, would just politely decline or suggest options to make it work.

I would tell the bride you can’t go due to the no children policy. It’s a shame, but that’s the couple’s decision.

I think all the PPs saying a 9mo doesn’t need milk all day must have had babies who chowed down the solids - mine is 10mo and eats a pretty small amount of solids! I guess we have to assume the OP knows her baby best - shocking 😂 No way would I be making loads of effort to pump milk and use bottles just to accommodate someone’s wish for a childfree wedding!

Had to laugh at a PP saying the idea of their childfree wedding was for guests to have fun, not be with their children - I must’ve missed the memo that fun and children are mutually exclusive 😂 My baby loves a boogie!

Mine never took a bottle, but from 7 months would have formula from a sippy cup.

Do you need to go to the whole thing?
I’d skip the breakfast and either leave the reception early or only only attend the ceremony

Obviously letting your friend know in advance that you wouldn’t be attending the breakfast if you did that

Ask. If not t possible then get a nanny or decent partner for the day who can take the baby away between feeds

Gosh you must be fun at parties

I think you can’t ask as it would put the bride in an awkward position. When I got married a few years ago we had no kids ourselves and wanted a child free wedding (apart from nephew and godchild who were page boys but then swiftly left the wedding after the ceremony!) We felt so so bad to draw the line there however alllll of our friends seemed to have kids/ many with very small babies around the time of the wedding. It just felt not fair to say yes to some and not others without then having literally about 20 kids at the wedding so we just had to stay firm with our decision. Now I have kids myself and have EBF i totally get it’s not ideal though and feel for the parents.
I have read before (it was lactation consultant guidance about what to do if your baby doesn’t take a bottle and they go to nursery) and suggested that if they don’t take a bottle try a cup of milk and also serve food with lots of milk in it eg mash potato and if it’s only one day they may be ok.

don’t ask what an uncomfortable position to put the bride in

I never get the “we’ll take them out soon as they cry “ it’s too late then they’ve already disturbed everyone

I ebf my son and he would not take a bottle. But from 8 mo he would sip milk from a small plastic cup (like a shot cup 😂but made for babies - amzn.eu/d/4YIvea4)

He would also eat some food. So it was possible for me to leave him with his Dad or a grandparent for a few hours if needed.

Is it possible for you to book a room at the venue so your mum and baby can be near by so you can pop back in between the service and the wedding breakfast, then after the wedding breakfast.

My baby is also 9 months and exclusively breast fed. He won’t take a bottle either!

I left him overnight with my mum the other day for a period of approx 18 hours. He was fab! He had plenty of food/snacks and water. He didn’t search for my milk once apart from the minute he saw me which is of course to be expected.

Maybe do a trial run before you decide? They may surprise you xx

We had childcare issues for a wedding and it was close friends who we spoke to regularly we gave them our options for them to pick what suited them and the wedding best;
Myself, dh and both kids come
Dh come without me
Myself dh and kids stay at the hotel and they don't attend the wedding but we tag team out to look after them (wedding was in hotel)
They chose dh come alone so I stayed home with the kids and He went to the wedding (made sense as he was the original friend of the groom although all friends now)
I'd explain the situation to the bride, say it's too long for you to leave the baby and what would she prefer - that way you're not asking her to say no, you're giving her every thing you can do and she can choose what she'd prefer. I wonder if the baby can stay nearby and you can pop in every 3 or 4 hrs to feed her, or you can do the ceremony but not the evening etc Think of all the options and see what she'd prefer on her day.

My son was a NIGHTMARE in a church 8m-18m. Pure nightmare.

No screaming involved. Bouncing, cooing, banging things together - if he didn't succeed in escaping us and crawling/running away at lightning speed.

He has calmed down a bit as we reach 2, but generally his attitude to anywhere new is to suss out the boundaries at the earliest opportunity.

There are so many ways babies and toddlers can be disruptive that doesn't involve screaming.