Friends are becoming grandparents & it's disconcerting, how did you feel?

[MyMarmite]

I'm in my mid fifties with adult children and some of my contemporaries and friends are starting to have grandchildren. I realise this is normal but it's making me a bit sad.

We've had no children at home for the past few years and it's been great to emerge from years of parenting to have more time for friendships and our own lives again, although we both still work, part time.

I don't think our 3 adult children are likely to have kids any time soon and I'm really grateful for that, I'm not ready (although I realise it's not up to me at all) but there's a part of me thinking oh no, are we all destined to just get through the really hard bits of having small children and young adults (arguably much, much harder than small children) only to lose ourselves all over again to grandchildren?

It feels like a waste of female potential or something. I'm not sure I'm articulating this very well but it feels sad that some friends are about to become grandparents in cases where they've just said goodbye to parents as well, having cared for them in later years. What about them? What about their time? Or is it fine to just never get this?

Does anyone else feel the same? I realise it's not about me when my friends have grandchildren and I'm happy for them if they're happy but I also still feel slightly odd about it.

One of my friends is just about to become a grandparent, her dd might just have given up her career aspirations, I hope not - but I haven’t given it much thought.

Loads of our friends are grandparents, don’t think I will be any time soon, not fussed one way or another. Our friends gp status doesn’t impact on us at all. No idea what you find disconcerting about it, seems a very odd and self absorbed take on it to me.

I can imagine it would feel disconcerting. You’re still very young in terms of becoming a grandparent. It’s not self absorbed, it’s just notice a passing of time and a new phase of your life.

Surely it depends how much of a role they will take in their grandchildrens lives.. if they are lined up as childcare 5 days a week then I would also be concerned (unless that is what they wanted to do of course) but if it's having them for tea once a week and the occasional day out then I don't see the issue. Having grandchildren doesn't have to be a caring responsibility in the same way your own children, or elderly parents, are - it is more likely an enjoyable role supporting people you love. I can imagine it is quite a strange new life stage for your friends to be in through!

Am I missing something?

Why would you need to lose yourself all over again just because you have grandchildren? Why would you lose all 'your time'?

Feeling sad for your friends because they are becoming grandparents is a slightly odd reaction.

Having grandchildren is not something I have given a great deal of thought to. My DD's are both adults and I turned 50 last year. Neither of them are at the stage in their lives where they are thinking of starting families. Both have good jobs and long term relationships but I don't see grandchildren in our immediate future. But if we DID suddenly get a surprise announcement how wonderful. Adding to our family would be amazing and a blessing not a hindrance.

As a grandparent there is nothing set in stone to say you have to suddenly look after them while the parents work, spend all your time babysitting and helping out and get bogged down in grandparent duties, losing your freedom and all your spare time. It feels strange you are drawing on any negatives of having them and not thinking about all the positives to having them and how they could enrich your life and make it better.

You set your own boundaries of what you want to do and how hands on a grandparent you want to be. It doesn't have to affect your own lives too much at all if you don't want it to.

As a fairly recent grandparent (granddaughter is 3) I'm very much enjoying having her to stay once in a while and having fun and then, enjoying, just as much, handing her back to mummy and daddy.

I get it, from the generation below. We had a lovely few years of adult family affairs, long boozy lunches etc then as soon as kids arrived it became chaotic. Lovely and different but not the same. I think that period of having adult kids but before getting elderly must be a bit of a life peak.

You'd be young to become a grandparent too, just hope your friends aren't signing up to 5 days if childcare a week so they still have time for nice meet ups.

I’m also not sure why they would lose themselves to being grandparents, are they offering to do full time child care? Otherwise I can’t see how their lifestyles would change? Except the addition of some lovely new babies and children they can hand back and pop off to their boozy lunch when they wish,

Both sets of grandparents for my kids are not involved at all. They see them a few times a year at xmas/birthdays that it

Yeah i'm guessing you must see 'Becoming a grand parent' as 'becoming a freely available and enthusiastic child minder' ?

I don't see any other reason why you'd be worrying about becoming a GP in relation to recent freeing up of time/commitments.

If/when the time comes just set your stall out early and gently re: regular child care.

Is mid 50s 'young' to become a GP?
(re previous post) I would have thought it was about average.

I am and i'm a first time GP now 😊

I've seen my inlaws virtually bring up their daughters 2 kids. Literally run ragged by it.

Whereas at the same time having very little to do with one of their other kids kid's. Same area geographically - different needs and expectations within the family.

I have two adult DCs and two years ago became a GP.

You can offer to visit or host your DCs and DGCs as much or as little as you want to.
You can offer childcare or not, that's up to you.

I have not felt sad at all about it. For me, being a GP is wonderful, life enriching, loving, hilarious a bit knackering at times and rewarding all at the same time.

You absolutely don't have to lose yourself. DH and I do childcare for our DGC but we also have a wonderful life together where I work part time in a job I love, go dancing every week, see my friends and DH has some great hobbies and sees his friends and we also have lots of holidays together and with our DCs and DGC.

I would say that being a GP is what you make it. You don't have to have one and lose the other.

@Wildfairy I don't know how much childcare my various friends will be doing, if any. And I realise it's none of my business too. I have one friend who is a bit older than me - 64 - who does childcare for 4 grandchildren, for 3 full days a week.

@Complet, good point, maybe it's a life stage thing? "If people my age are having grandchildren then I must be quite old?" That would be understandable I think.

@Cyclistmumgrandma - that sounds enjoyable, I should probably realise there are amazing parts of it as well, as there are with parenting!

@Wirdle , I'm glad someone understands the feelings, thank you

@Sunshineismyfavourite what a lovely post, that's nice.

I know a couple of acquaintances who are grandmas in their 50s, but not many. My DCs are just starting out in their adult lives. Can’t see grandkids on the horizon for another 10 years at least. I’d quite like to be a grandma though, have a play and hand them back, do a bit of babysitting etc. I’m def not going to be regular unpaid childcare in my 60s though, I’ve got health conditions that would preclude that really.

I find it disconcerting that people I went to school with are becoming grandparents but that's because I'm 42 and my own daughter is only 3.5. My own grandma was 45 when I was born but I feel like it's was more normal back then (plus my mum was young and I wasn't planned).

I’m 44 and have several friends who are already grandparents. My dc are still primary and secondary age. And I have friends who are my age and TTC.

Honestly, none of what you’ve said resonates with me. I don’t know any grandparents doing childcare, with the exception of one school mum friend who is a massive cokehead and parties most weekends, hence her parents have her kids a good part of the week. 🙄 But my mum has never done any childcare. Nor has my MIL, exception being once she took my dc to school when I was in hospital having surgery. But definitely don’t see any grandparents providing significant childcare in my social circle.

That said, I’d love my dc to have children one day and I’d be very happy to help with childcare. But maybe that’s because it has never been my whole life. Dh and I both have always worked and had very full lives away from being parents.

I kind of know how you feel. When I was 24 a few of my friends started to have kids. It suddenly hit me that the “next stage” of life was starting and I didn’t feel ready for it. I didn’t have kids until my mid 30s. You are just seeing the future and you aren’t quite ready for it yet. It’s normal

I also wondered if it just made you realise the passing of time, and made you feel old, like your friends are all now moving into th4 grandparent era. But oddly you couple that with the we both still work part time, where as most people in their mid fifties work full time and are not slowing down for retirement. So I’m the same age, but I’d see the more elderly sign as slowing down or stopping work to be honest.

I do understand what you mean OP. I think 'active parenthood', for want of a better phrase(!) lasts a lot longer now for a lot of people, with adult children living at home much longer into their 20s & 30s. Plus you're still working for much of it, maybe also caring for elderly parents too.
So it does probably feel like you've only just got your home and full independence back to yourselves, time to maybe retire, to feel completely free to holiday, enjoy hobbies, and spend time with friends etc, and then the idea of grandchildren rears its head.
I understand others saying you can do as much or as little as you want, but the reality for a lot of people is that they want to help their children when they're in the tough years of having young kids, and also they do want to become grandparents...just maybe after a few more years of being free.
I get it.

I am in my mid 50s and someone I know of the same age has just become a great grandmother. Her granddaughter is younger than my daughter. That makes me feel very odd 😳

I don't feel the same, in fact I'm fairly neutral about it all.
I too have adult DCs who are in no hurry to have kids.
I don't fret or wish I had grandchildren, it's not up to me I'll happily take what comes.
I have several friends who are DG's who are over the moon in their role. The only thing I hear that is negative is that they are already sad thinking that the DG's will in no time at all be growing away from them.
I think that today with many DG's still working, travelling, enjoying life with friends and having days out etc , that many are not rearranging their lives in order to be with the DG's .
Some are setting boundaries, except for emergencies and when it is really necessary to help out.
Not everyone feels that way but I imagine there are quite a few that do.
Somehow they manage to maintain a healthy relationship, maybe even healthier than if they were into demanding more time with the Dgs as some people do, which often puts a strain on relationships.
It's all about balance isn't it.

I think it’s weird too! I’m early 50’s

I’ve now got a couple of friends with grandchildren although these weren’t planned pregnancies.
I’ve also got older friends in their 60’s who are desperate for grandchildren ( in the same way they really hoped for their own kids in their 30’s)

I’ve just got used to the fact mine is an adult it would be odd to have a small in the family again. Completely get it.

Like you I feel uneasy with it.. but for different reasons. I don’t worry about having ‘me’ time when the time comes as I fully intend to enjoy my life and travel, grandchildren or not! I hope to have the best of both worlds.

A lot of my friends are becoming grandparents and it’s like a club which I’m excluded from.. I’m bombarded on a daily basis with photos and videos of kids I don’t know, and at restaurants my friends can’t talk about anything else.

When I do get to be a grandma (hopefully) I won’t be subjecting anyone to any of this.. unless asked to!

You can be whatever grandparent you want to be.
You might choose to be like my mum, who when told that I was pregnant with her first grandchild, just said "oh". And that set the tone for her whole relationship and (lack of) involvement with them. But then she'd always said she couldn't wait for me and my brother to get to 18 and be independent, so ...

Or you can be like my MIL who was thrilled at the news, shed a year and loved her grandkids with every fibre of her being until she died.