Friends are becoming grandparents & it's disconcerting, how did you feel?

[MyMarmite]

I'm in my mid fifties with adult children and some of my contemporaries and friends are starting to have grandchildren. I realise this is normal but it's making me a bit sad.

We've had no children at home for the past few years and it's been great to emerge from years of parenting to have more time for friendships and our own lives again, although we both still work, part time.

I don't think our 3 adult children are likely to have kids any time soon and I'm really grateful for that, I'm not ready (although I realise it's not up to me at all) but there's a part of me thinking oh no, are we all destined to just get through the really hard bits of having small children and young adults (arguably much, much harder than small children) only to lose ourselves all over again to grandchildren?

It feels like a waste of female potential or something. I'm not sure I'm articulating this very well but it feels sad that some friends are about to become grandparents in cases where they've just said goodbye to parents as well, having cared for them in later years. What about them? What about their time? Or is it fine to just never get this?

Does anyone else feel the same? I realise it's not about me when my friends have grandchildren and I'm happy for them if they're happy but I also still feel slightly odd about it.

I became a grandma at 45, when my eldest son was 24 and my youngest son was 14, so I never had a time when all my children were adults and there were no babies in the family. I was working full time so don't think I wasted my ' potential ' - though I worked in childcare so really children have been my whole life! Now retired and a widow, I enjoy helping out with my younger grandchildren while still having a full social life.

Well, because plenty of them are expected to do free childcare. As mentioned earlier, I have one friend who does several days childcare in her 60s.

It's like every stage of life and every life event: there's wide variations in what happens and when it happens! There may be positives and negatives in all options. The key to a happy life is focusing on the good aspects. Be mindful of what things you have control over and act accordingly. If you have no control, don't dwell on those things. Like the serenity prayer suggests.
If your young adult children dont have dc, then enjoy the activities you can do as a result. I know people who have wasted time wishing for dgc instead of enjoying life. I've known others who resented being young grandparents instead of focusing on the joy of being in good health rather than first grandchild when in their 70s.
You do have choices in grandparenting.

I was 41 when I became a grandparent. Now 48 with 5, still have teenagers (and two adult dc)

my own teenagers come first and my dgc second.

I put boundaries in and I’m the grandparent I want to be, I still have my time and I still say no. Having said that I have my eldest dgd nearly every weekend for various reasons then I visit the others every week and babysit every few weeks when needed.

if ds had his way I’d be having the kids overnight every weekend then 2 or 3 times a week. Nope.

I don’t bore friends and colleagues with grandchildren talk, I’m quite old compared to them and most are still at the preteen stage of parentinG

you can be the grandparent you want to be. I just choose not to be a babysitter on tap. I still have my own life, job, my own children, a life….

That’s a choice. No one HAS to do free childcare!

It sounds like you haven’t enjoyed motherhood, and now worry about being a grandparent and re-living those days?

You’re not unreasonable to feel how you feel OP, but everyone’s different. I loved all the stages of child rearing, had a very successful career working with children and was thrilled that my retirement coincided with the arrival of my first DGC. Since then I’ve spent at least half my weeks providing childcare for a growing brood, regularly baby sit and often have various combinations of the DGC for sleepovers. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Having grand children are so much different to having your own children
For a start you can have them as much (within reason) or as little as you like
You can spoil them and you dont have to have rules in place like you do with your own small children
Its fun

My parents and ILs became GP in their 40s, one was late thirties! And some of my friends were in their early 40s. So for me mid 50s is late to become a GP 😁

I absolutely love being a grandmother to 3. I was 52 when first Dgc was born. Love seeing them

No, that's not quite right. I did enjoy motherhood - hmm, I'm wondering if I'm lying about that, did I?! OK, I probably wouldn't say I loved it but neither did I hate it and some of it was great. I love all my children dearly and wouldn't change it, not at all.

But I'm really enjoying an empty nest and dh and I having time to ourselves. And I look back on babies and small children and remember it being very hard work as well as joyful and I'm not up for that at all. As many people have pointed out though, it'll be what I make it and I might not ever have grandchildren at all but friends having them has focussed my mind.

The youngest grand parent friend I have was 41. Another has just become one today at 62.

I also have two friends who were widowed in their 40s. We hope and assume things will happen in a certain order and at a certain time but life often has other plans.

My sentiments too, except that I have 3 Gdcs. However the first didn’t arrive until I was 67. I had never been ‘longing’ for Gdcs - the only thing that would have upset or bothered me was if either dd had badly wanted babies, but been unable to have them.

I used to feel so sorry for a friend of a dd whose mother was often wailing that ‘at this rate’ she was never going to have any Gdcs. It wasn’t that the poor girl didn’t want children - she just hadn’t met the right bloke to have them with. But eventually she did. 🙂

Communicate your boundaries, if you don't want to babysit, but instead have an occasional visit, then communicate that.

Both GM s to my children worked full time, one still does at 79. Neither were actively involved. No one expects free childcare, the world has moved on.

You don't have to be granny martyr. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

A work friend of mine has a 6 month old baby. She is struggling even though she has a partner and family. She asked if I could watch the baby every 3 weeks whilst she had a beauty treatment. I said I can’t as I am too busy. I genuinely am too busy with a full time job and a business I run on the side. But I am also thinking I will help with my sons children but no one else’s as I don’t have unlimited energy!
My sons are 16 and 18 now so I have time to do things like Zumba and seeing friends when I want around a very demanding job. They only people I would let compromise that are my 2 sons, which would be when they had children.
Ive just been dumped actually after a 4 year relationship and one of the things that made me think thank god is because I don’t want to help out when his children have children. I know there is a lot of expectation on women and I would have had to fight against it. No longer relevant luckily.

if you have grandchildren you can be as involved as little or as much as you want. My gran visited a couple of times a year and took us to the theatre as we got older. Still good memories.

@MyMarmite I do get what you saying. My kids are adults although don't think I will be a GP any time soon. I would say that now I am starting to do less parenting and have a bit more time to myself, I would not want to give that up yet to help with a grandchild (and I would help). I also fear that being a GP pulls you back into that competitive comparison world where friends just talk and talk about their kids (or GC). I hated that most about parent friends and was relieved when they finally stopped after A-levels 😂I honestly don't care if your son got 98% in a maths test and no I don't need to see the framed certificate again. 😂

That is such a strange response to some of your friends becoming Grandparents.

Several of my friends are Grandparents, and it doesn't impact on me at all.

I am not sure why you are trying to imply that being a Grandparent means you lose 'yourself' or your empty nest or your free time. The beauty of the role is that you can set your own boundaries and spend as much or as little time with the little people as you choose to. You get to do all the nie parts without the daily grind.

I wonder if it makes a difference if you were older parent?
We were together 20 years before having DC in our late 30s. DH is 8 years older as well.
I'm 67 now and not in perfect health and DH is 75, adult DC are now 29 and 27, both have partners but children are a few years off I suspect. That means I'll probably be too old to be an involved grandparent, certainly not have the stamina for childcare.
I have a few friends who were also older parents and none of their DC are near having children, they have just started careers. I have no great urge to be a grandparent, I never was very fond of small children.

I never used my parents for childcare although they were much younger than I am now. I don't like the idea of being a very elderly grandma who gets duty visits but it's my fault for delaying having children myself.

I feel this way, but not WRT GC. My DC are still teens so I think it’s a way off yet. I think by then I’ll be happy to help.

When my eldest went to uni I suddenly had a lot more me time and it is great. However as soon as this happened I seemed to overnight become the ear for elderly relatives gripes and groans.

I’ve had to push back on this massively as I’m not prepared to help anyone except my own parent, and even that I’m not too happy about. That makes me sound awful but between both parents we had a big fat ZERO help and I don’t owe them anything.

10 years of grandparenting under my belt no 6 is a year old and you're not wrong. I remember the years in-between dc and dhc very fondly. BUT OMG you love them so much and I see all the children as an extension of parenting. My dc have worked so hard I'm ok doing my bit. It seems to me that post 12/13 dhc aren't that demanding or interested so it's not that long really.

It definitely changed our friends with gc. They early 60s. They never free to go out now. My friend the same. Just a bit frustrating sometimes) you cant plan anything.

I don't understand the post really. I'm a grandmother and still work full time. I see the GC around once a week or less along with seeing my daughter and her husband. I'm there to babysit occasionally.

I don't care if any of my friends become gp. The only thing I hope for is that they won't want to show pics and videos all the time. It's the dullest thing I know and I have never showed pics or videos of my kids unless asked for it. It's only fun for the parents and gp, for anyone else It's torture.

I'm just over 60 with a uni age only child. Many of my contemporaries became young grandparents in their fifties. I didn't mind the notion of being married while still in my twenties, but parenthood before 30 was something I knew I didn't want since my teens. As it turned out we had a long journey to parenthood and found myself a first time parent in my 40s but in a demographic where most of the mothers were just about to turn 40 when we all met at the school gates.

So I definitely get that some people really wouldn't see themselves as grand parents in their 50s

I was the youngest sibling so my mum and dad were over 30 when I was born. They were wonderful grandparents and did babysitting, sleepovers and some school holiday childcare. I would never have asked them to substitute for nursery care because for me it's not the role of one of my DCs grandparents whatever age they might have been.

My IL were very hostile to being GP in their very early 50s - DH was 30.

I think they were very taken aback at how much they love pfb when here -they got upset when work meant we mover further away - then we've seen them bar covid every months-6 weeks - and they've loved it.

No childcare not least as they only retired when youngest was at secondary - and they do better out and about so - we've done that and they've had a blast.

They now vists DGP at uni - and us - so they get around and do things more than they would otherwise. It's only in last few years ill health started to hit them - so they had active granparenthood on their terms really - though think kids have benefitted.

They've enjoyed being DGP to the full TBH much more than parenthood.

They are getting bit frustated with some of their friends who do childcare often a lot - not around to do things as much and conversation is grandchild related sometimes - - but then the friends did tell them they'd been upset over the years listening to all the fun grandparent adventures they'd had when they thought they'd never be DGP - though also they feel very old in role compared to IL.