Friends are becoming grandparents & it's disconcerting, how did you feel?

[MyMarmite]

I'm in my mid fifties with adult children and some of my contemporaries and friends are starting to have grandchildren. I realise this is normal but it's making me a bit sad.

We've had no children at home for the past few years and it's been great to emerge from years of parenting to have more time for friendships and our own lives again, although we both still work, part time.

I don't think our 3 adult children are likely to have kids any time soon and I'm really grateful for that, I'm not ready (although I realise it's not up to me at all) but there's a part of me thinking oh no, are we all destined to just get through the really hard bits of having small children and young adults (arguably much, much harder than small children) only to lose ourselves all over again to grandchildren?

It feels like a waste of female potential or something. I'm not sure I'm articulating this very well but it feels sad that some friends are about to become grandparents in cases where they've just said goodbye to parents as well, having cared for them in later years. What about them? What about their time? Or is it fine to just never get this?

Does anyone else feel the same? I realise it's not about me when my friends have grandchildren and I'm happy for them if they're happy but I also still feel slightly odd about it.

Watching with interest. Have a few friends with GC -not v at all interested in the photos they insist on showing.
Am in a new-ish relationship with someone whose very needy son and wife are about to have a baby -and I know the son will expect pretty much daily childcare so resigned to seeing a lot less of my partner.

@TheignT I promise I'm not exaggerating about the things I posted that have happened to young adults I know. And it's not just a handful of adult kids either, the examples I posted are across a lot of different friends and there are plenty I didn't add. I do agree that it's sad.

The people I know in their mid-50s don’t have children old enough to procreate, so it is very unusual where I live!

I didn't suggest you exaggerated but I do think it is unusual, my 4 kids, my uni student GC, friends children, nieces and nephews just have normal lives, careers, partners. I think your view is obviously more negative because of what you see round you but any GC might not have any of those issues.

I'm glad they have normal lives and maybe it is unusual but it doesn't seem to be in my group of 50+ aged friends. Or maybe you don't know about everything that's happened to the young adults you know and there are some terrible things there. I hope not but you never know. My mother for example, doesn't know about some of the dreadful stuff that has happened to my young adults because they've asked me not to share it and I respect their privacy.

I had a friend who became a grandparent at 36 (work that out!). I'm 54 with friends in their late 60s, early 70s who are becoming grandparents for the first time.

My DC are late 20s, I can't see them starting a family any time soon.

Does it really matter?

I feel the same I’m only 41 but the thought of having to bring up grandkids makes me feel blah!! like Iv finally got some freedom then my kids may rely on me to bring up the grandkids a few days a week. A friend of mine was a grandparent at 39 makes me ill ha ha . I cannot fathom how I am at an age where I can be a grandparent when I think of a grandparent I think of a rocking chair and knitting. Times have changed I guess.

Those of you saying your kids will expect you to do a lot of childcare for them, did you have similar help from your parents? If so I guess it’s sort of fair for them to expect you to return the favour…

I cannot fathom how I am at an age where I can be a grandparent when I think of a grandparent I think of a rocking chair and knitting. Times have changed I guess.
Of course times have changed! The ' grandma's in my circle haven't heard of rocking chair! One is learning to code, another does kickboxing and has done so for the last 20 odd years, another does solo wild camps again something she has done since her 30s.They are all great company and lovely women. The grandads are nice interesting men as well.
Two of my friends are actually bringing their grandchildren up as they have a SGO.

I became a grandma at 39 , I have babysat many an evening , I take my granddaughters on days out and we have lots of fun however I have never been relied on for childcare while they work as I work too . Being a grandparent you can choose how involved you want to be , if you don’t want to provide regular unpaid childcare then don’t . It doesn’t have to impact your life if you don’t want it too .

I’m not a grandparent, no prospect of becoming one and honestly very glad of it. I’ve drifted away from friends who have grandchildren, I’m very pleased for them but they’ve become so involved with their families that they’re quite boring company these days. They don’t need me, and I don’t need them. Everybody’s happy.

You don’t sound very nice. You find them boring because they’re close to their families?

I feel the same OP. Two out of my three adult offspring definitely don’t want children … not sure about the third. And I’m totally happy not to be a “granny”. Sure enough if there ever were any grandkids I’d probably love them to bits but definitely wouldn’t be hands on collecting from school etc. But I do object to the slightly pitying views of my friends who have numerous grandchildren. “Oh well I’m sure grandchildren will come along soon” for example from an old school friend recently.

Everyone is different. For me grandchildren have been a wonderful blessing, but some people aren’t that keen on children anyway.

I agree. I'm wondering why op had kids at all to be honest

No of course not. I wish them well. But I don’t share their fascination with their families and it’s what they want to talk about. I have lots of friends who don’t have children or like me have children who’ve chosen to be childless. They are more interesting company.

edited to say I read this post to be aimed at me, but if I’m wrong please ignore!

I know my adult children haven't, they don't have drug problems, are happily married, they have good degrees, they all have post grad qualifications and good jobs. They all own houses. I know their friends well, I know their friends from school days parents. As for my two oldest GC, well I know stuff about their lives that their parents don't know and I can assure you I'd know if they were drug addicts or had attempted suicide.

I wonder why the children jn your friendship group have had such difficult times.

Im a grandparent to a 3 year old and a one year old. I retired last year and spend quite a lot of my time caring for my 93 year old father and babysitting it’s not the retirement I expected.

Not a grandparent but a newish mother. My children are 1 and 4 and I would never expect my mother in law or mam (my family live at the other side of the country) to look after my children. My MIL watches them about once every few months. Honestly I would love it if she did watch them more as I could work more or we could have a night off but it's totally up to her and I won't ask or put pressure on her.

It's completely up to you on how much you want to be in your grandchildrens lives. Growing up both mine and my husband's grandparents watched us loads while our parents worked and it showed as we were both really close with them until they passed a few years ago. I didn't see my dad's dad much growing up as he didn't bother to come and see us and i felt that is why we weren't close when I was an adult.

My parents love being a grandparent because you can hand them back at the end of the day. They never committed to being permanent carers and only did adhoc days over the holidays. They also never gave up having dinners out and holidays with there friends, infact they were always happy to say no if they had plans.
My oldest is 18yrs and my niece is 1yrs, I'm in my late 40s and genuinely love having a new niece but I don't see her all the time due to life being to busy. My mum thinks her childcare is extortionate at £95 a day but she's still not going to do anything more than adhoc days even though she retired. It is possible to choose how much you want to be involved.

I'm not 50 yet and people I was at school with have secondary school aged grandchildren! Some have their youngest children younger than their first grandchildren. Their entire lives will be spent looking after children and they will be great grandmas by mid 50s to 60.

That’s blown my mind!! I don’t know anyone under 60 who is a grandparent! Suddenly all the benefits of having children later in life become clear!!

Can’t really understand your issue, I have friends who were grandparents before 50, others more recently and I have friends of different ages anyway - some are still parenting little ones themselves despite being the same age as me as I had children in my 20’s

All GP are different. Some are very hands off living their own lives, others seem to take on the bulk of childcare. Just cross that bridge when you come to it.

I find it an odd perspective OP. I was a very young grandparent (42) but I didn’t give any thought to how that might affect my friends, so I’m finding it strange that you are somehow impacted by your friends becoming grandparents. In what way do you “feel slightly odd about it”?
Grandparents can be as involved in their DGC’s lives as they want to be.