Friends are becoming grandparents & it's disconcerting, how did you feel?

[MyMarmite]

I'm in my mid fifties with adult children and some of my contemporaries and friends are starting to have grandchildren. I realise this is normal but it's making me a bit sad.

We've had no children at home for the past few years and it's been great to emerge from years of parenting to have more time for friendships and our own lives again, although we both still work, part time.

I don't think our 3 adult children are likely to have kids any time soon and I'm really grateful for that, I'm not ready (although I realise it's not up to me at all) but there's a part of me thinking oh no, are we all destined to just get through the really hard bits of having small children and young adults (arguably much, much harder than small children) only to lose ourselves all over again to grandchildren?

It feels like a waste of female potential or something. I'm not sure I'm articulating this very well but it feels sad that some friends are about to become grandparents in cases where they've just said goodbye to parents as well, having cared for them in later years. What about them? What about their time? Or is it fine to just never get this?

Does anyone else feel the same? I realise it's not about me when my friends have grandchildren and I'm happy for them if they're happy but I also still feel slightly odd about it.

Yes that is true

Overachiever! 😂

Exactly! 😂 It cracks me up, having never given birth. At one point her family had five generations

I don’t mind about it either way, or see it as a reflection on any choices I’m keen to make.

Average age to have baby in the UK was mid-20s til recently. It's now 30. So becoming grandparents in your mid-50s is perfectly average and in no way early. My baby sis is an early 40s grandma. Presumably you didn't have your children at 16 so you had plenty of childfree adult time before kids? And that can continue as you are under no obligation to provide childcare to your GCs.

Women have babies, those babies grow up and have babies. Most adult life involves caring responsibilities and child-rearing no matter how sophisticated and full of potential and how feminist women are. That's the facts. Is your partner worrying about the waste of his male potential when he's a grandad?

ETA the old quote 'life is what happens while you're making plans' - you have to enjoy life and live out your potential while you're bringing up kids and looking after elders. It does no good to put your life on pause waiting for a magical childfree period of no responsibilities to come along. It's not going to happen.

My dps and mil also love being great grandparents in their 80s so it is fabulous

My mum and dad became grand parents in their late 40s.
Its not stopped them having the best life ever as dad retired at 55 and mum wasnt working. They are in their 80s now, their grandson is 36 and they have such a close bond with each other and nephew drives over from zscoyevery two weeks to see them or he meets up with dad for a football match and so on.

A lot of my friends became grandparents in their mid fifties. Their daughters are still following and doing well with their careers. My friends are mostly working two took retirement from the NHS, and have a great balance of spending time with their grandchildren and having a great life. Nothing is being wasted.

As some friends put it they've got the best of both worlds,spending time with the little ones they love and then doing things they love when they hand them back!
Me, im 60 and no grandchildren in sight and im not bothered either way, although I suspect I'll be obsessed if a child did come along!!! 😆

Someone I know became a GREAT grandmother at 58: think yourself lucky

you make that sound unusual.
Come to my town and you'll see its not uncommon to have great grandparents in their 50s.
Im not saying it's good or bad, just not uncommon!!

A girl I went to school with was 34. She had twins at 17 and one of them had a baby at 17. I think that's the youngest I know of.

Surely you can choose how much time you’d devote to grandchildren. We’ve just become grandparents and we’ve been clear about what we want to do to help and are able to do to help.

I think this very much depends on you and what you want to do.
i see my next door neighbours practically having that 3 Grandchildren all the time. They’ve lost any kind of independent living and seem completely absorbed in them. But they are happy doing so so it’s up to them,
Mysely I wouldn’t want this. I’m looking forward the having GC but again I don’t think it will be anytime soon but I’ve no intention of them taking over my life. I’m enjoying our time together now.
Ill be there to support my DC and help out but not 24/7.

Thanks for all the interesting perspectives on this thread, it’s been great to read.

I think I'd be jealous!
Although it's is a rude awakening to time passing, another stage of your life.
I don't think being a grandparent will be anything like as consuming as being a parent and of course you may still be working full time and not be able to do any childcare apart from weekend babysitting.

I’ll be 50 next year and a colleague is a few months older than me and already has two grandchildren. My cousin has just become a grandmother and her son is younger than my children. It is that step up in our generation status. First we were the children, then we were the parents, now we step up to be grandparents. The younger generations start replacing the generations of our childhood as our grandparents and parents pass on. I’ve been thinking about this quite a lot just recently too. It is a strange realisation but life does keep matching on regardless.

I would say anything from 45 plus is completely normal to become a grandparent

I would love to have grand dcs.Tbh they won't be via ds.
DD is around the age and situation to have one in the next few years.Its not up to me though.

There's lots of people on here saying they don't understand, but I definitely get it.

My closest friend has just become a Grandmother for the 2nd time, and it's honestly like she's the baby's parent the way she speaks. Every conversation is dominated by accounts of the baby, every week I'm inundated with pictures of the baby (and before that, scan photos). I love her, but I have no interest beyond a very fleeting one of these babies, and want to have normal conversations like we used to.

My own child is at uni so hopefully I'm a long way from being a Grandparent...I really don't want to go back to having my life evolve around babies anytime soon.

What are you even on about? How are grandparents losing themselves to grandchildren?? It’s not like they get shared custody of them. A lot don’t even see their grandchildren often, if ever. I can’t imagine not being happy that I’m going to have a grandchild when my children are older (unless they’re too young). I also can’t imagine being so up my own arse that I’d say things like I’m not ready in regards to something that has absolutely nothing to do with me.

I don’t think my parents expected to be grandparents as it was looking like my siblings and I were not going to have children. DH and I decided to go for it later in life and at 40 I had a baby so they are now grandparents. We don’t ask or rely on in laws or my parents for any help (we realise we had a baby late in life and everyone is older with some health problems).

I think about my DD being a mum one day and I hope I am there for it. If she does not want to, I have no problems. DH and I gave her life but that does not mean we control every aspect of it. She makes her life what she wants.

If age or health is a problem if DD decides to have children, my second backup plan is to have the finances to hire a nanny or au pair to help.

I think the experience of adult children with your group is quite extreme. I have four aged late 30s to early 50s. One had a friend with a drug problem, all resolved successful career and marriage now. No deaths, no suicide ideation, no mental health issues, etc. Maybe the next generation will be easier.

I worked till 70 although gradually reduced my hours. Done my share of childcare without any negative impact on my life and I have 8 GC from babies up to university students and all bring fun and laughter into my life. I suppose the negative is what I spend on them but I can afford it and it is a choice.

Exactly and some of us enjoy it.

It's interesting you say that because one of my old friends (same age as me) became a 'surprise' GP about 10 years ago. She went into full extra parent to the baby mode and posted pics every 10 mins on face book. (All fine but not my style.) Was obvious she was doing loads of day care for the child.

Then 3 (!) more unplanned pregnancies happened with her DDs over the course of the next couple of years and the facebook posts ground to a halt, and when i saw her she was grumbling about having no time to herself. The novelty had worn right off i think.

I’m 59 and one of my friends has just become a GP at 60, we all had children in our late thirties and early forties.

We live 250 miles from all family minimum. So GP barely involved.

My sister looked after all her 5 grandchildren a lot and was deeply resentful. She had her first child as a teenager and was a Grandmother at 39 when her DD had a child early twenties. I am not going to do anything like that. She is 15 years older than me and became a great grandmother at 70 and is doing some care but just a little.

I suppose the biggest difference between my sister and I is she has never had much money so was either at work doing her PT job or at home. No long extended holidays or going away much. Maybe it’s harder to say no if you are around a lot. My sister is also the type who wants everyone to think she is nice, I have never had that problem. She called me selfish to my face once when I had a holiday in America without my children, extended after attending a wedding. Never once did she question my DH months overseas with work, he would also extend a few days holiday.

A relatives friend was a grandparent at 33!

50s is nothing.

My life is full. I'm older than you , my children's lives are full too I can't see either of them having children , it's no big issue for any of us.

When I’m 55, dd will be 26, the age I got married, and if she’s at the right stage in her life, married, has a home and good job then I’d encourage her to have dc (if she wants them of course). My friends all had their dc later than me (by at least 4 years) so it is more likely that I will have GC first.